An absolute dogs dinner of a format.
60 min of your life that I guarantee you'll regret wasting.
Even man of the people Bradley can't save this abomination.
Reviews
14 Reviews
Only an Excuse?
(1995– )
A poor Excuse for humour
9 January 2015
To suggest that this show is past it's sell-by date would be a surefire candidate for understatement of the millennium. When it started in the mid-90s it was sharp, clever satire poking fun at, amongst other things, the latest Old Firm turmoils, Jim White(and his supposed allegiance), Craig Brown, Denis Law and Scottish culture in general with, at times, our obsessive nature with the so-called 'beautiful game'. It might not have been rolling-on-the-carpet-clutching-your-ribs hilarious but Jonathan Watson, Tony Roper et al were usually good value and the spin-off videos (remember this is the 90s) of their live, Xmas and World Cup-related shows tended to prove popular. Before long, however, Mr Roper(amongst others)headed for pastures new and left Jonny to carry proceedings and things went rapidly downhill with the viewing public now being saddled with an offering which constantly veers between being, at best, mediocre late night sketch show fodder and, at worst, something eminently unwatchable. This year's offering saw standards plummet to an all-time low. The clincher (ie where's that remote control?) for me was quite possibly the most predictable and unfunny 'comedy' sketch ever committed to celluloid. Jonny Watson and his cohorts are assembled outside the polling station on Referendum Day fully resplendent in kilts, Saltires and obligatory Mel Gibson-style Braveheart face paint. At this stage of proceedings your average single-cell amoeba could have foreseen the forthcoming punchline. Nevertheless Jonny's character makes his way into the polling booth and, guess what, HE PLACES A CROSS IN THE 'NO' BOX !!!!!!!! Oh my ribs. Wait, there's more. He goes outside to rejoin his pals and, lo and behold, THERE'S A GUILTY AND SHEEPISH LOOK ON HIS FACE !!!!!!! Oh where's that needle and thread ? My sides have practically disintegrated. Granted, the shortage of so-called 'characters' that graced our national game in the 90s and Scotland's constant inability to qualify for the latter stages of major tournaments might be seen as depriving Philip Differ et al of decent source material but it's surely time for BBC Scotland to place something which has twin barrels to the temple of this wretched abomination of a programme and put it, the writers and, most importantly, the viewing public out of their collective misery.
Doesn't pull up any trees but a decent enough start
3 October 2012
There were a number of classic episodes in the opening series of arguably Britain's most popular ever sitcom but although this isn't one of them, things do get off to a fine start with the emphasis here as much on character-fleshing as laugh-out-loud comedy moments. Del Boy is soon established as a fast-talking eternal optimist with a penchant for diving into deals ( one-legged turkeys and reject briefcases ) without, and invariably with subsequent regret, asking too many questions first. No exotic cocktails yet, just halves of lager. Rodney's already doing plenty of whining and moaning and wastes no time in having a big fall-out with Del ( in which they both declared that the other had been an embarrassment to them ) before attempting to leave home ( albeit for 6 days ). Grandad is lazy, work-shy ( a lamplighters waiting for gas to make a comeback ), none-too-bright ( tries to play draughts on a computer chess game ), stubborn ( it's Sidney Potter ) but, most of all, lovable. Trigger's negotiations with Del about the briefcases leaves no-one in any doubt that he's not the sharpest tool in the box and don't blink or you'll miss an uncredited cameo by Tessa-Peake Jones who, of course, went on to play Raquel, though not in this episode.
No classic comedy moments to speak of but the Trotters saga was off and running.
No classic comedy moments to speak of but the Trotters saga was off and running.
Undercovers Hero
(1974)
Shocking stuff
3 October 2012
Peter Sellers' film career was a hit and miss affair to say the least but it surely hit a new low with this wretched, screamingly tedious, jumbled, painfully unfunny 'comedy' set in a French brothel during WW2 that sees Sellers' ego move into overdrive as it has him appearing in no fewer than 6 roles, each as annoying and unfunny as the next. How was this justified ? Oh I forgot, Peter was the star of the show and if Peter wanted the opportunity to wear as many costumes as he wanted whilst dazzling us with his repertoire of 'hilarious' accents then, hey, there's little point in the director, producer etc arguing with The Great One and so they might as well bow to his every whim. I was under the impression that at least 90% of the acting profession was out of work at any one time but it seems no-one told this to Sellers and if they had, he clearly wasn't listening. This abomination really was another nail in the coffin as far as his career was concerned and it came as no surprise that Inspector Clouseau made a re-appearance a year of two after this unwatchable drivel was polluting the handful of movie theatres that the distributors decided to show it in.
One of the better 007 baddies, Curt Jurgens, was clearly desperate for the pay cheque as he makes an appearance alongside the likes of Windsor Davies ( no sign of Lofty though ) and Rula Lenska.
Brutal stuff. Don't say you weren't warned.
One of the better 007 baddies, Curt Jurgens, was clearly desperate for the pay cheque as he makes an appearance alongside the likes of Windsor Davies ( no sign of Lofty though ) and Rula Lenska.
Brutal stuff. Don't say you weren't warned.
Golden Balls
(2007– )
Trust no-one.
23 March 2009
My first impression on seeing this was that it's little more than a braindead children's guessing game along the lines of Deal Or No Deal. However, I decided to persevere and now I find myself hooked. I'm not convinced that watching 5 shows a week would be a fruitful idea as that proved to be the ruination of much of the appeal of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire for me ( and most of the viewers ) so a weekly ration will suffice. Jasper makes for a genial host. He isn't your typical smarmy, cheesy-grinned quiz show host who comes fully-equipped with an endless supply of rehearsed quips ( usually ) at the contestants' expense. He's quite happy to take a back-step and let the contestants have their say and give the viewers the opportunity to decide who, if any, they would trust. The only downside to this show for me is that it reminds us that greed and, especially, hypocrisy are more prevalent in this day and age than ever before.
Man About the House
(1973–1976)
Great fun
21 March 2009
As is nearly always the case, when Britain comes up with an entertaining and/or successful sit-com or quiz show, the Yanks will come along and poach the format and produce their own, grossly inferior, version. Man About The House is, of course, no exception to that rule. The Yanks' version ( Three's Company ) was unwatchable, braindead pap that seem to run forever. A prime example of quantity over ( non-existent ) quality. The original, on the other hand, is a fondly-remembered gem that had the savvy ( like Fawlty Towers ) to pull the plug at precisely the right time ( unlike the 637 episodes of 'hilarity' that Three's Company came up with ). Jo was cute, there was brilliant chemistry between the Ropers, Richard O'Sullivan made it all look so easy, the scripts, whilst not exactly Oscar Wilde-standard, were consistently funny and Chrissy was THE most drop-dead gorgeous woman who has walked the face of this planet since The Dead Sea was merely feeling unwell. 'Nuff said.
Horne & Corden
(2009)
Absolutely pitiful.
14 March 2009
This truly was 30 min of dismal, dreary, pathetic, amateurish, puerile drivel. A series of tedious, unfunny 'comedy' sketches which feel as though they were knocked up on the back of a fag packet by 2 blokes who clearly see themselves as national treasures. It would appear that they were given licence by the producers to do their own thing in this attempt to showcase their 'comedic' talents and this has proved to be a big mistake. The fat one in particular seems to think that the sight of him being semi-naked is hilariously funny as he seldom resists the opportunity to strip off and start wobbling his sumo-sized belly. Oh my ribs. The end result is a miserable failure that's about as funny as a dose of food poisoning. Watch this at your peril.
Starsky & Hutch
(2004)
Yet another Stiller turkey.
8 June 2008
The TV series was classic stuff so there was no way I was going to avoid giving this a look but having been unfortunate enough to have witnessed a number of Ben Stiller 'comedies' (virtually all of which have been unwatchable) in the past, it would be the understatement of the millennium to suggest I tuned into this effort with a fair amount of scepticism. It wasn't misplaced as this is truly awful and makes we wonder even more how Stiller has ever been able to earn a living as a comedy actor (The fact that American audiences have an unerring ability to laugh at absolutely anything might have something to do with it).
To complement Stiller's Starsky, we have the equally dreadful, unfunny and charisma-free Owen Wilson as Hutch, whose smugness, cheesy grin and awful voice has allowed him to take over the mantle from Jim Carrey as Hollywood's most annoying (and unfunny) comedy actor. As if the gruesome twosome weren't enough to contend with, we are also subjected to a smug, self-satisfied non-performance by rap singer Snoop Dogg as Huggy Bear (quite why the words 'rap' and 'singer' belong in the same sentence is another mystery to me).
The biggest mystery of all is, of course, how this puerile pile of tedious dross ever saw the light of day.
To complement Stiller's Starsky, we have the equally dreadful, unfunny and charisma-free Owen Wilson as Hutch, whose smugness, cheesy grin and awful voice has allowed him to take over the mantle from Jim Carrey as Hollywood's most annoying (and unfunny) comedy actor. As if the gruesome twosome weren't enough to contend with, we are also subjected to a smug, self-satisfied non-performance by rap singer Snoop Dogg as Huggy Bear (quite why the words 'rap' and 'singer' belong in the same sentence is another mystery to me).
The biggest mystery of all is, of course, how this puerile pile of tedious dross ever saw the light of day.
Thick as Thieves
(1974)
Truly dreadful
7 June 2008
I hadn't realised until recently that John Thaw had appeared in a sitcom other than 'Home To Roost' so I decided to give this pre-'Sweeney' outing a go. I shortly wished I hadn't bothered. As mediocre as 'Home To Roost' was, it was a comedy masterpiece when compared with this dismal, dated, laughter-free drivel.
We have 2 useless crooks, George (played by professional cockney Bob Hoskins, who chews up the scenery when given half a chance) and his gormless pal, Stan (Thaw). Just to eliminate any lingering doubts from the audience's minds that Thaw's character isn't the sharpest tool in the box, the producers have instructed him to speak in a truly awful, stereotypical, fick-as-two-short-planks accent. As if the accent wasn't 'hilarious' enough, Stan, at every available opportunity, will turn to George and ask him 'Izzat thi right wurd?' after using a word in conversation that he wasn't certain to be appropriate. This was something which wasn't even remotely funny the first time I heard it being said, let alone the 34th. Alongside these pathetic losers we have Annie (George's wife and Stan's live-in lover). She is played by Pat Ashton and proves to be the least annoying character of the bunch although that's hardly saying much.
Once you add in a mountain of clichés regarding cockney villains, a totally ridiculous premise ( even for a sitcom ) and, worst of all, a script that was about as funny as a dose of food poisoning, then you're left with a 'comedy' that's long been forgotten (and deservedly so).
The 1970's was a golden era for sitcoms ? You're having a laugh (and that's more than you'd get from watching this).
We have 2 useless crooks, George (played by professional cockney Bob Hoskins, who chews up the scenery when given half a chance) and his gormless pal, Stan (Thaw). Just to eliminate any lingering doubts from the audience's minds that Thaw's character isn't the sharpest tool in the box, the producers have instructed him to speak in a truly awful, stereotypical, fick-as-two-short-planks accent. As if the accent wasn't 'hilarious' enough, Stan, at every available opportunity, will turn to George and ask him 'Izzat thi right wurd?' after using a word in conversation that he wasn't certain to be appropriate. This was something which wasn't even remotely funny the first time I heard it being said, let alone the 34th. Alongside these pathetic losers we have Annie (George's wife and Stan's live-in lover). She is played by Pat Ashton and proves to be the least annoying character of the bunch although that's hardly saying much.
Once you add in a mountain of clichés regarding cockney villains, a totally ridiculous premise ( even for a sitcom ) and, worst of all, a script that was about as funny as a dose of food poisoning, then you're left with a 'comedy' that's long been forgotten (and deservedly so).
The 1970's was a golden era for sitcoms ? You're having a laugh (and that's more than you'd get from watching this).
Bloomers
(1979– )
Dreary, dated stuff.
23 February 2008
Richard Beckinsale's final (and unfinished) sitcom was this innocuous but forgettable outing which had him cast as a struggling actor who gets a job in a florist's whilst philosophising over the meaning of life and it's various connotations. The clichéd characters ( the neurotic girlfriend, the boss going through a mid-life crisis, the boss's elderly and eccentric assistant, the stuffy traffic warden ) come thick and fast but, sad to say, the laughs don't and whilst Richard Beckinsale is as amiable and watchable as ever ( indeed, some cynics may even suggest that he played pretty much the same character in all his sitcoms ), this was a rather disappointing way of rounding off a colourful but tragically brief comedy career. A real shame.
The World Is Not Enough
(1999)
Zzzzzzzzzz
16 November 2006
Unbearably tedious, muddled, instantly forgettable Bond 'thriller' that tries hard to introduce a deeper, darker, more emotionally flawed hero to the audience but at the expense of narrative cohesion and entertainment value. Right from the start things weren't looking too promising as it's not very often I find myself sensing boredom setting in with a film before the opening credits have appeared but that is certainly the case here thanks to an interminable boat chase sequence that, unusually for a Bond outing, contains a prelude to the subsequent plot but unfortunately very little in the way of entertainment. Plus points ? Coltrane, Marceau (Although her character, similarly to Tiffany Case in 'Diamonds Are Forever', does get progressively sillier) and the fact that this is marginally less awful than the truly ghastly 'Die Another Day'. Negative ? A disjointed, utterly tedious screenplay, a feeble villain who posed about as much threat as The Hooded Claw, mind-numbing 'action' sequences and the less said about Ms Richards, the better. A glossy and vacuous pile of drivel. For masochists only.
From Russia with Love
(1963)
Premium Bond
5 November 2006
Long before the 007 series degenerated into a routine series of endless gadgets, explosions and clichés came this early outing which didn't strictly adhere to the soon-to-be-familiar formula with our hero more prone to using his noddle rather than simply relying on guns & hardware.
Connery is at his best here with a performance far edgier & grittier than seen in Goldfinger before falling into auto-pilot mode from Thunderball onwards. The Rogues Gallery from FRWL is one which I don't think has been surpassed in a Bond outing. Vladek Sheybal as Kronsteen exudes evil as a chess grandmaster-cum-Spectre agent despite being a dead ringer for Buster Keaton. Lotte Lenya is superb as a despicable ogre of a Russian colonel who finds herself being attracted to our heroine Tatiana Romanova ( delightfully played by Daniela Bianchi). However, without any doubt the star of the show is Robert Shaw as Donald 'Red' Grant. This is one mean dude who poses a formidable threat to 007 without having to rely on gimmicks such as a false hand or a razor-brimmed bowler hat. Mention is certainly deserved for Pedro Armendariz who provided more than able support as Kerim Bey, Bond's charismatic ally.
The screenplay is more deliberately paced than in later epics with far fewer stunts and explosions than usual which I'm sure won't go down too well with a lot of today's popcorn-munching audience. Of course the film HAS dated somewhat and the pace does lag on occasions but I still find this infinitely preferable to the juvenile, circus-like antics of Goldfinger.
I remember reading a few years ago that From Russia With Love was apparently the last film John F. Kennedy ever watched, having viewed it the night before heading off to Dallas. Not a bad choice.
Connery is at his best here with a performance far edgier & grittier than seen in Goldfinger before falling into auto-pilot mode from Thunderball onwards. The Rogues Gallery from FRWL is one which I don't think has been surpassed in a Bond outing. Vladek Sheybal as Kronsteen exudes evil as a chess grandmaster-cum-Spectre agent despite being a dead ringer for Buster Keaton. Lotte Lenya is superb as a despicable ogre of a Russian colonel who finds herself being attracted to our heroine Tatiana Romanova ( delightfully played by Daniela Bianchi). However, without any doubt the star of the show is Robert Shaw as Donald 'Red' Grant. This is one mean dude who poses a formidable threat to 007 without having to rely on gimmicks such as a false hand or a razor-brimmed bowler hat. Mention is certainly deserved for Pedro Armendariz who provided more than able support as Kerim Bey, Bond's charismatic ally.
The screenplay is more deliberately paced than in later epics with far fewer stunts and explosions than usual which I'm sure won't go down too well with a lot of today's popcorn-munching audience. Of course the film HAS dated somewhat and the pace does lag on occasions but I still find this infinitely preferable to the juvenile, circus-like antics of Goldfinger.
I remember reading a few years ago that From Russia With Love was apparently the last film John F. Kennedy ever watched, having viewed it the night before heading off to Dallas. Not a bad choice.
Die Another Day
(2002)
If Octopussy was an ' All Time High ', this is an ' All Time Low '.
16 September 2006
Warning: Spoilers
An outing which represents a first for the Bond franchise i.e. one that fails abjectly in virtually every discernible area. The most prominent one being that of a cut'n'paste, dog's dinner of a screenplay that looks as though it was cobbled together by the screenwriters during their dinner break. Previous entries such as 'OHMSS' and 'From Russia With Love' managed to treat their audiences with more than a modicum of intelligence. This is in stark contrast to D.A.D. which seemed to be aiming for an audience predominately populated by XXX-loving, popcorn-munching, baseball capped cretins who will demand the right to see as many things blown up as possible with at least as many people being either shot or wasted whilst being assured that such minor trivialities as 'plot' or 'characterization' are not allowed to spoil their enjoyment of proceedings.
The standard of acting varies from merely perfunctory to downright dreadful. Brosnan simply goes through the motions whilst Halle Berry tries desperately hard to pass what turned out to be an audition for her own character's franchise but ends up being the most irritating leading lady since Tanya Roberts. In her Ursula Andress homage (on second thoughts, make that 'rip-off'), you can almost sense Tamahori saying 'That's right, Halle, swivel your hips. A bit more. A bit more. Keep going and cut !!!' Any chemistry with 007 is all but non-existent with their 'banter' being invariably puerile and tedious.
We have a nemesis who is totally lacking in anything remotely resembling charisma, threat or menace. Indeed Gustav Graves' only real 'gimmick' appears to be a total lack of need for sleep ( watching this drivel would soon change that ). The obligatory henchman, Zao, had mild potential but was under-used.
Much has been said about the risible CGI sequence involving the ice wave ( and deservedly so ) but, for me, the sequence which preceded it was even more ludicrous. Our hero is doing about 300mph in a rocket car and heading for a plunge to his certain death. Don't fret, however, as a trailing anchor digs a few inches into the ice and, over the space of a few yards, brings the car to a complete halt, causing it to flip over the edge and smash into the side of the precipice without so much as a scratch on the vehicle and 007 left not the least bit shaken nor stirred. It was a scene which was more akin to 'The Wacky Races' with Dastardly & Muttley once again receiving their come-uppance.
On the subject of growlers, the living legend (in her own mind) that is Madonna ensured that the title 'song' would, by several light years, be the worst ever. However, Madge's monstrous ego ensured that her contribution to proceedings wouldn't end there and so the unsuspecting viewing audience would then be treated to an equally awful cameo. Did Shirley Bassey, Tom Jones or Carly Simon receive cameos ? Of course not. Many would correctly say that none of them can act. However, based on the evidence of D.A.D. and a clutch of other big-screen stinkers, neither can Madonna.
Pierce Brosnan's outrageous salary demand ( £24 million ) for the next epic appeared to give the producers little option but to announce that it was 'taxi for Brosnan'. Granted, this sage and onion-stuffed extravaganza managed to trouser over 400 mill at the box office so many might say that it's only fair that he's entitled to be angling for a bigger slice of the pie. Never-the-less it sure as hell wouldn't have just been Brosnan's name that sold tickets for a film which I'm sure would still have made a mint even if Graham Norton had been donning the tuxedo. OK, perhaps a slight exaggeration but clearly no individual is bigger than the licenced to kill ( and make money ) Bond franchise.
All-in-all, a charmless, hideous mess that tries, like 'Octopussy', to cram too much in. The introduction of Daniel Craig (and hopefully a decent script) can perhaps inject the series with fresh impetus to help prevent the 007 money-making juggernaut from going the same way as the one from 'Duel'.
The standard of acting varies from merely perfunctory to downright dreadful. Brosnan simply goes through the motions whilst Halle Berry tries desperately hard to pass what turned out to be an audition for her own character's franchise but ends up being the most irritating leading lady since Tanya Roberts. In her Ursula Andress homage (on second thoughts, make that 'rip-off'), you can almost sense Tamahori saying 'That's right, Halle, swivel your hips. A bit more. A bit more. Keep going and cut !!!' Any chemistry with 007 is all but non-existent with their 'banter' being invariably puerile and tedious.
We have a nemesis who is totally lacking in anything remotely resembling charisma, threat or menace. Indeed Gustav Graves' only real 'gimmick' appears to be a total lack of need for sleep ( watching this drivel would soon change that ). The obligatory henchman, Zao, had mild potential but was under-used.
Much has been said about the risible CGI sequence involving the ice wave ( and deservedly so ) but, for me, the sequence which preceded it was even more ludicrous. Our hero is doing about 300mph in a rocket car and heading for a plunge to his certain death. Don't fret, however, as a trailing anchor digs a few inches into the ice and, over the space of a few yards, brings the car to a complete halt, causing it to flip over the edge and smash into the side of the precipice without so much as a scratch on the vehicle and 007 left not the least bit shaken nor stirred. It was a scene which was more akin to 'The Wacky Races' with Dastardly & Muttley once again receiving their come-uppance.
On the subject of growlers, the living legend (in her own mind) that is Madonna ensured that the title 'song' would, by several light years, be the worst ever. However, Madge's monstrous ego ensured that her contribution to proceedings wouldn't end there and so the unsuspecting viewing audience would then be treated to an equally awful cameo. Did Shirley Bassey, Tom Jones or Carly Simon receive cameos ? Of course not. Many would correctly say that none of them can act. However, based on the evidence of D.A.D. and a clutch of other big-screen stinkers, neither can Madonna.
Pierce Brosnan's outrageous salary demand ( £24 million ) for the next epic appeared to give the producers little option but to announce that it was 'taxi for Brosnan'. Granted, this sage and onion-stuffed extravaganza managed to trouser over 400 mill at the box office so many might say that it's only fair that he's entitled to be angling for a bigger slice of the pie. Never-the-less it sure as hell wouldn't have just been Brosnan's name that sold tickets for a film which I'm sure would still have made a mint even if Graham Norton had been donning the tuxedo. OK, perhaps a slight exaggeration but clearly no individual is bigger than the licenced to kill ( and make money ) Bond franchise.
All-in-all, a charmless, hideous mess that tries, like 'Octopussy', to cram too much in. The introduction of Daniel Craig (and hopefully a decent script) can perhaps inject the series with fresh impetus to help prevent the 007 money-making juggernaut from going the same way as the one from 'Duel'.
Perfect for insomniacs.
11 June 2006
I love Columbo and have seen pretty much all of the episodes but this one undoubtedly ranks as the worst of the lot. A mind-bogglingly tedious, pointless, muddled pile of unwatchable drivel that wastes both the time of the viewing audience and of the acting talents of an exceedingly bored-looking Peter Falk. The 'plot', such as it is, just seems to be made up as the film goes along with not even the slightest hint of the ingredients to the formula that made the show such a brilliant success to start with. One part of the proceedings which I found extremely puzzling ( or possibly annoying ) was Peter Falk's character being introduced to the guests at the wedding as 'Lt' Columbo. If the producers insist on keeping Columbo's first name a secret, why couldn't they have omitted this line altogether as it sounds ridiculous? Like I said, this is the pits and all true Columbo fans would do well to avoid it like the plague.
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