slackline70's Reviews

Space: 1999 (1975–1977)

7/10

Never meet your heroes, and never re-watch TV shows from your childhood - unless they're from the first season of Space: 1999

28 January 2024

Like a lot of kids, I never knew that Batman and Lost in Space were actually self-aware parodies. And I never noticed how many times The Six Million Dollar Man violated the laws of physics, or that the Dukes of Hazzard was just plain bad.

But boy, did I notice all this re-watching just a few episodes of these shows years later as an adult. In some ways I wish I had just left my memories alone.

The one exception being the first season of Space: 1999. 40+ years after viewing the original series I streamed a few episodes - and wow. Not only were a lot of things about the show as good as I remember - in some ways the show was even better. I always liked spaceships as a kid - but I never appreciated how much effort went into the intricate details of the spaceships and the moonbase itself. And unlike Battlestar Galactica and the original Star Trek, Space: 1999 did NOT extensively re-use stock footage over and over again. Pretty much every episode had new and different effects. And the sets and production values were off the charts - much better than most movies of the day.

Now on to the stories and characters. Okay, I do admit I understand why Space: 1999 was not everyone's cup of tea in this regard. In an era when we wanted our heroes to be ridiculously good, our villains to be ridiculously bad, and our plots to be ridiculously straight-forward; Space: 1999 gave us flawed heroes, multi-layered villains, and plots that were sometimes more than a bit difficult to follow. And I'll just say it - both the plots and the characters could be just a bit strange. Barbara Bain's character in particular sometimes made you wonder if SHE was an alien.

But still, it just makes me admire the show all the more for not taking the safe 70s TV route of giving us ridiculously simple-minded plots with ridiculously perfect heroes and ridiculously evil villains.

Whether it inspires you to re-watch the entire first season, if you watched any of Space: 1999 at all as a kid, I say do yourself a favor and stream a few episodes. You'll at least be impressed with the effort.

Oh, and don't even bother with the Fred Freiberger-helmed second season. THAT season is just plain terrible.

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Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (2010)

6/10

Call the Exterminator!

25 July 2023

I actually thought that there was a fair amount to like with this movie. In particular Bailee Madison as the young girl. Instead of just being ridiculously adorable like most child actors, she's believable and determined - and you really want to root for her as she literally faces her demons with nothing more than a Polaroid camera with a flash bulb (as to where she got ahold of such a camera in 2010 who knows - but ya gotta give the kid points for grit).

And it was kind of a nice touch making the step-mom (Katie Holmes) as the one person who believes her rather than falling back on the same old ancient wicked stepmother caricature.

What sinks the film, however, is the design of the CGI-rendered creatures. The CGI itself is fine, but creatures evoke more of an ewww-gross response than actual terror.

Without giving away too much - let's just say you never feel like the danger isn't anything that couldn't be fixed with a good old-fashioned extermination fumigation.

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Unbelievable (2019)

7/10

Most of this is quite good

16 April 2023

Unbelievable is in many ways a very, very good series.

It presents the true-life story of a young woman who was raped - and was then charged with a crime herself for reporting it.

It's gut-wrenching to watch - even more so because it actually happened. Furthermore, it presents it in such an (ironically) believable way. Even if you've never been raped, everyone has been 'there' at some point - where no one will believe you to the point you start to question your own sanity. And you were so sure you were doing the right thing in telling the truth - so why does everyone keep kicking you when you're already down and telling you that you better stop this, you know, telling the truth crap.

In my opinion the most heart-rendering scene of the entire series is actually a rather minor one where a counsellor she didn't even want to go to actually believes her. I mean - it's that unusual for a random stranger to treat her the way she should have been treated all along?

My one criticism of the series is the way the two lead female detectives - who are supposed to be the heroes - treat everyone the same way the young rape victim was treated. It gets particularly tiresome watching them talk to every single male who does or even doesn't have anything to do with any sort of sexual assault case with the exact same condescending, sarcastic 'Yeah right' expression that everyone gave the young rape victim. I get it - they're strong women driven to protect victims of sexual assault, and they're not afraid to ruffle some feathers along the way. But are we really supposed to root for them when they're spending time harassing and lecturing guys who have nothing to do with the crime while the actual rapist is still out there?

Otherwise a great series.

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Alice, Darling (2022)

7/10

NOT a thriller or a mystery - but a pretty decent study of narcistic control

21 February 2023

First off, I do understand why not everyone appreciates this movie.

It's more than a little slow in places, and it really doesn't qualify as a thriller or a mystery. Frankly it's not that thrilling, and it's never much of a mystery.

Honestly I watched it because I like Anna Kendrick, and also because I like thrillers in which there's some sort of clever twist and/or the bad guy really gets his/her comeuppance at the end.

Without giving away too much, I'll just say that I was a bit disappointed in that area.

However I also admit I was surprised to see one of the more realistic portrayals of the phenomenon known as the narcistic relationship. This is where someone - a boss, a family member, a boyfriend/girlfriend, etc keeps you under their control by quietly, politely, every-so-helpfully telling you that you just can't do anything right. And the worse they get, the more you believe you're the one with the problem.

And while this movie isn't exactly action-packed or even particularly suspenseful, anyone who has ever been in one of that situation will undoubtedly say that they got it right. The worst bosses typically aren't the ones that yell and scream. The worst family members aren't the ones who call you names. And many, many abusive relationships never involve either participant laying a hand on the other. In each case, the worst offenders are the ones who quietly make you hate yourself.

As far as the ending, again I won't give away too much except to say that once again, anyone who has ever been in that situation will say ya - they got it right.

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Valley of the Dinosaurs (1974–1976)

9/10

Hidden Gem

21 January 2023

In addition to never meet your heroes, in general, I think it's best to not re-watch TV shows you thought were awesome when you were 6 years old.

Still, I loved Valley of the Dinosaurs so much when I was six I decided to break the second rule and streamed some episodes from Amazon.

And I was more than pleasantly surprised. For Saturday morning kiddie fare, this wasn't half-bad. Hellz I'd stack it up against prime-time 'adult' TV shows of the same era such as 'The Brady Bunch Hour' any day.

Despite the title, the heart of the show was actually the dynamic between two families - one from modern times, and one from the stone age. If you can get past the convenience of the stone age family speaking English - it works quite well without being preachy as an example of how different groups can come together to become stronger as a whole. The modern-day Butlers brought very helpful scientific knowledge to Gorak's family; while Gorak and his family taught the Butlers how to survive in a prehistoric jungle. One episode the Butlers would save Gorak's family with some sort of improvised stone-age fire engine, submarine, drilling rig or what not; the next episode Gorak and crew would save the Butlers with their ancient knowledge of Pterodactyl egg medicine.

And the characters were quite likable and engaging - and much more believable than typical Saturday morning characters. Teenage daughter Katie in particular was just snarky enough to be believable; but still caring and sympathetic enough to be endearing. And each Butler family character was paired up perfectly with a Gorak family member. Father John with patriarch Gorak; mother Kim with Gorak's wife Gana; young Greg with Gorak and Gana's young daughter Tana; and of course teenage Katie with Gorak and Gana's strapping teenage son Lok - who gets in one of the best completely-over-the-heads-of-children lines ever when he brags to Katie of a 'giant snake' that he's had to tame.

That line alone makes VOTD one of the best Saturday morning cartoons ever.

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St. Elmo's Fire (1985)

7/10

I think a lot of us missed the point...

27 November 2022

The most common criticism of this movie is that the characters are self-absorbed and unlikeable.

I really don't think they were supposed to be, though, and there's a key quote from Joel Schumacher to support this...

"We also wanted to make a point about self-created drama: When most of us look back on our twenties, we see that a lot of the incredible drama we went through was self-created."

In other words, while the filmmakers may have intended for us to identify with the young, shallow, self-absorbed recent college grads in the movie, they never intended for us to ROOT for them.

Rather, their intention was to take us on a journey of self-discovery to realize that most if not all of us went through a period of insufferable self-absorption in our early 20s that we can now at least redeem ourselves from by recognizing that period for what it was.

Most cite the Emilio Estevez character as the biggest flaw in the film. Kirby was, after all, a stalker - were we really supposed to LIKE this creepy weirdo? In my view, no - we were never supposed to like him. Rather, we were supposed to IDENTIFY with him as the embodiment of our own self-absorption during our own young adult years as someone who just could not come to terms with not being able to have everything he wanted.

Furthermore, I would say Kirby's story is the most honest and complete in that he did some truly creepy things, but eventually came to terms with the realization that Dale was never going to marry him.

I often think of the scene where Kirby drives away from Dale and her boyfriend with a smile on his face as a metaphor for my departure from my own self-absorbed years as a young adult. Those years were not my proudest, and were at times outright cringe-worthy. But you know what - while I don't always like myself during that period, I made it through just fine. And was eventually able to put it into perspective as an example of how not to be for the rest of my life.

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Prey (I) (2022)

9/10

I liked this - and I didn't even really like the original with Arnold!

22 October 2022

It's pretty rare that a sequel improves on earlier installments in a franchise.

It's even more rare that this happens after the franchise really starts going downhill.

And it's extremely rare that a sequel improves on earlier installments after the franchise starts going downhill - when (IMHO) even the original wasn't all that great to begin with.

Well friends, I would say the Predator franchise has done the near-impossible and risen from the ashes of a seemingly dead and buried series to put out a really solid, fast-paced action/adventure/sci-fi offering in Prey that knocks all three genres out of the park.

And as I said, I wasn't even all that crazy about the original Arnold vehicle. I didn't hate it (I can't say that about some of the earlier sequels), but I just found it underwhelming and a bit anti-climactic, and I didn't really care that much about the characters. And I just never thought the original predator looked much like anything other than a guy in suit.

However, I found Prey to have a nearly perfect slow-burn pace, incredibly well-done action scenes, and characters I really cared for. Hell I thought the dog in Prey was a more memorable character than anyone in all of the previous Predator movies combined. And I really liked the way they portrayed the Native American protagonists. It's like someone finally said, "You know what, instead of portraying Native Americans as savages or impossibly noble super-beings - why not just portray them as normal, flawed-but-likable individuals who happen to be Native American?"

Do yourself a favor (as long as you don't have a problem with scenes where people lose arms and legs) and give this one a chance. And give it a chance even if you've pretty much written off the Predator franchise, and even if you didn't even think the original was all that great.

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Orphan: First Kill (2022)

6/10

A decent follow-up - except for the obvious problem...

14 October 2022

I'll just say it - THE ACTRESS IS NOW IN HER MID 20s!! NO ONE WOULD MISTAKE HER FOR A KID!!

Considering what they can do with CGI these days I'm really surprised no one thought to de-age her a bit.

And it's kind of a shame.

It's not a great movie - not nearly as good as the original even aside from that obvious problem. But it's still a pretty good follow-up to the 2009 original takes the original concept of the first movie and adds another interesting twist.

Whoever came up with the idea to have Esther adopted by Jon-Benet Ramsey's family deserves a raise. Best who-do-I root-against movie I've seen since Alien vs. Predator.

Whoever came up with the idea that camera angles and a few obvious body doubles could transform the now very lovely, now very adult-looking Isabelle Fuhrman into someone anyone would believe is still a kid should be tarred and feathered.

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Courage (1984)

2/10

Only a runner could take this movie seriously

25 July 2022

I'll get it out of the way - runners annoy me.

It's not that I have no personal interest in running unless I'm playing a sport such as basketball. I'm also not personally interested in soccer or tennis, but I've never been annoyed by soccer or tennis players.

However, I've also never had a doctor who not only recommended exercise - but insisted the exercise be soccer or tennis. Nor have I ever witnessed a soccer or tennis player position a flag man in the middle of the street to stop traffic so that soccer or tennis players can do their thing while cars patiently wait for them. As a kid, I never had a soccer or tennis player scream at me and my friends in a park because our nerf football game got too close to their self-designated path.

I have, however, experienced all of the above with runners.

In my experience, runners (and possibly bicyclists) are the only sport enthusiasts on the planet with the pretense that what they are doing is so noble and important that everyone should be doing it - and if you're not gonna do it, you damn well at least better stay out of their way.

So on to the movie. It's a rather low-budget, amateurish, ridiculous effort in which the only thing that is consistent is its portrayal of runners as heroic individuals who are inexplicably attacked and heroically prevail over and over again. Never mind that most runners weigh about 125 lbs. And would last about 10 seconds in a fist-fight or any other sort of conflict other than a verbal debate about how wonderful running is - these runners can also defeat armed militia.

If you are a runner, you will probably enjoy this movie as a serious portrayal of how wonderful and noble runners are.

The rest of us can laugh at it as a parody of how runners actually see themselves.

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Where Time Began (1977)

8/10

A memorable film from my childhood

25 February 2022

Mom took me to see this when I was 8 or 9 - out of love because she knew I loved anything with dinosaurs. At the time I loved it. I love you Mom.

40+ years later I watched it again on YouTube - and was expecting to be sorely disappointed that it was not the movie I remembered as a kid.

And I was not disappointed at all. This was one of those rare movies that was almost exactly as I remembered it. Okay, so my 9-year-old brain didn't entirely register that most of it was dubbed or that most of the special effects weren't so special - but the things that made it memorable for me were exactly as I remembered them all those years ago.

I remembered a fight between two sea-going dinosaurs that was much more gory than anything I'd seen before. Re-watching it now - yup, those were real animal intestines and other animal parts they used when the sea dinos start eating each other. Not anything like the wimpy smears of red paint I'd always seen before in this sort of movie.

However, I also remembered that no one died in this movie, and that the characters really seemed to care about each other. I was so used to Captain Kirk losing two or three red shirts an episode in the original Star Trek, and wondering - gee, does he really even care? In contrast, no one in this movie leaves anyone behind or to fend for themselves, and there are some genuinely sweet moments. I vividly remembered how at the end when the volcano was exploding everyone went back to look for Hans - a rather minor character - and not only rescued Hans but even the baby lamb Hans himself was rescuing. If Hans had been in an episode of Star Trek - sorry but Kirk would have sent him to 'investigate' the exploding volcano and wouldn't have spent two seconds trying to save him or the baby lamb. Hans would have just been another red shirt who bit the dust.

40+ years later, just as I remembered they didn't leave Hans or the lamb behind.

Yes I'm reviewing this movie through a sentimental haze - but I'm giving it an 8.

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The Unforgivable (2021)

8/10

Sandy can act

14 January 2022

The Unforgivable is a classic audiences-love-it-critics-hate-it movie.

Without giving too much away, there's a major plot point that critics will argue is a bit contrived. And it is, but the movie still packs a serious emotional punch - in no small part due to Sandra Bullock's phenomenal acting.

Bullock plays a woman who has just been released from prison after 20 years. Many actresses take on this sort of role to try and prove how 'real' they are. Many try - very few succeed. Sorry, but I've never been able to buy Julia Roberts as anyone other than a very well-to-do Hollywood actress who lives a life of wealth and privilege no matter what role she takes.

Bullock, however, is a raw force of believability from start to finish. You feel everything she does. By the end of the movie you not only believe she's a recent parolee trying desperately to cope with life on the outside - you feel like you've been through the whole thing with her.

Do yourself a favor - don't worry about what the critics say. Just watch and feel.

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Fantasy Island (1977–1984)

9/10

A just about perfect childhood memory

7 December 2021

I often wonder if I'm one of the few who remembers that there was never any such thing as The Good Old Days - or if I'm just one of the few who admits it. Sorry, but the 70s and 80s were not all that great, or at least not much better than things are today.

Still, every imperfect era has its own perfect memories.

In the late 70s and early 80s, Saturday night was Fantasy Island night at our house. My siblings and our best friends would gather in front of the TV and scarf pizza and root beer - and we would all simultaneously announce 'Da Plane! Da Plane!' along with Tattoo to officially begin the start of Fantasy Island.

Pizza, root beer, siblings and friends - and a TV show whose only purpose was to entertain a group of siblings and friends.

Life wasn't perfect then - but it sure felt like it for a few hours every Saturday night.

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An American Crime (2007)

9/10

Why you should watch this movie

24 September 2021

An American Crime is not a fun movie. Nor is it a guilty pleasure. Frankly it's not even one of those movies where you can at least feel good about yourself afterwards because you did a good thing by sitting through it.

It's true story about a teenage girl who was tortured to death by a person who was supposed to be taking care of her. And it's a downer from start to finish.

So why see it? It's not like there aren't plenty of movies to remind us of how horrible people can be to each other. Schindler's List, Judgement at Nuremburg, In Cold Blood, etc.

In my opinion, what sets An American Crime apart from pretty much every other film is that it forces us to confront not only how awful people can be to each other - but how awful ANY ONE OF US CAN BE to another human being given the right circumstances.

By all accounts, Gertrude Baniszewski was a fairly average woman who just didn't like Sylvia Likens very much. And what started out as simple dislike grew into one of the most horrific crimes ever committed by one human being against another.

Think Gertrude was that far removed from the rest of us?

Remember the kid at school who never bothered anyone, but got picked on relentlessly - maybe even by you? Remember that person at work you left all alone to fend for themselves when everyone knew they were getting thrown under the bus? Remember the last person who never did a single thing to you, but you nonetheless 'just didn't like?'

Personally, I admit to all of the above at one time or another.

I didn't 'enjoy' An American Crime per se - but I'm grateful to have seen it. And I'm even more grateful to have seen it whenever I see someone who isn't in a position to defend themselves get treated that way. No one ever gets away with that again on my watch - not be me; not by anyone else.

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The Bradys (1990)

3/10

How much did they pay TV executives before 2000? If it was more than $1.95 a year...

13 August 2021

I know it's easy to arm-chair quarterback decisions after the fact - but seriously, what was wrong with TV executives in the 70s, 80s, and 90s?

Hey guys, now that we've got this runaway hit - Mork and Mindy... I've got a great idea - let's keep switching the day and time until no one knows when it's on anymore!

Congratulations - Miami Vice has been a smash for two seasons now. I think the episodes of two vice cops fighting drug cartels and crime bosses isn't very realistic though. Let's have them go up against UFOs that look like James Brown and cryogenically frozen Reggae singers. Oh - and why don't we have Crockett marry Sheena Easton?

And I've got a can't miss - you know how well every single spin-off of The Brady Bunch has done? Remember how well the variety show and did??? Remember how the Brady Brides went a whole 7 episodes? Well let's bring 'em back as a serious drama - people will go nuts!

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The Rescuers (1977)

9/10

Forget Bambi - THIS is the saddest Disney movie ever

14 July 2021

I remember I saw this movie when I was about 7 or 8.

And it really, really stuck with me - in fact it kind of traumatized me. I'd never felt so sad for a character as I did for the young protagonist of this movie - orphan and kidnap victim Penny.

Although I didn't know why at the time, the symbolic object that really made me feel for Penny was her 'Teddy' - her stuffed animal and only possession in the world that allowed her to be a kid.

Something about that stuffed animal (actually a rendering of Piglet from Winnie the Pooh rather than a teddy bear) just yanked at my heartstrings. It was simultaneously comforting that she had that one toy but still heartbreaking that that was all she had.

I watched it again recently. It still does it for me.

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Coward of the County (1981 TV Movie)

8/10

You can't dislike it

15 May 2021

This is a somewhat low-budget, predictable made-for-TV movie made in 1981 starring Kenny Rogers - who sang the song the movie was based on a few years earlier.

Still, some movies are just so relatable that no one can dislike them.

Is there anyone who can't relate to being harassed and belittled by bullies who just wouldn't leave you alone?

Is there anyone who can't relate the feelings that accompany the bullying? Anger, shame... and guilt? That maybe you're more responsible than the bullies for your predicament?

Is there anyone who can't relate to the scene in which the bullies finally get pulverized as the same one you played in your head over and over again at one time or another in middle or high school - even if it never actually happened in real life?

A lot of people say they like Shakespeare - even though I suspect many of them just don't want to admit Shakespeare doesn't really grab them on a personal level.

Anyone who says they don't like Coward of the Country - well I suspect they just don't want to admit how gratifying it was to see what Tommy Spencer finally did - after he stopped and locked the door.

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The Babadook (2014)

8/10

This movie did more for me than thousands of dollars of therapy

15 April 2021

I won't give away exactly what kind of a monster the titular Babadook turns out to be.

Partly because I don't want to give away any spoilers, and partly because - like a lot of people who have seen the movie - to this day I really have no idea myself.

The Babadook is a horror movie - and a pretty decent one at that.

For me personally, however, this movie did more for me in less than two hours than thousands of dollars of therapy ever did. Specifically, it provided a coping mechanism for how to deal with misplaced anger and self-doubt. And although the movie is rather dark at times to say the least, it leaves you with a powerful sense that you really can take control of your demons - whether they are trying to get in or trying to get out.

If you like well-crafted horror movies - stream The Babadook.

And if you have issues letting go of grief or anger - and aren't especially excited about paying a therapist thousands of dollars to repeatedly ask you if you 'really want help' - well, rent The Babdook.

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Nesting Dolls (2019)

7/10

The true nature of those who refer to themselves as 'brothers' and 'sisters'

10 February 2021

As someone who spent nearly four years in a fraternity in my late teens/early 20s, I can definitively say that this is one of the few movies to capture the true nature of the relationships between the members of Greek organizations Organizations whose members refer to each other as 'brothers' and 'sisters.'

On the surface, you call yourselves brothers and sisters under the pretense that you're more than friends, and that you share a bond that comes close to being family. You spend an inordinate amount of time telling everyone how close you are, and how you would practically die for each other. And you relentlessly promote your organization as a positive bastion of friendship and unity.

Below the surface, however, you realize the reality is somewhat different. For starters, you enter the organization in a ritual called 'rush' - which amounts to the most fleetingly superficial experience of goodwill and friendship you could possibly imagine. Rush is immediately followed by a much longer ritual called 'pledgeship' - which amounts to being abused and exploited for months on end.

Fortunately pledgeship doesn't last forever, and most pledges make it through to become active members. However, you never really feel like you know these people - and you certainly don't entirely trust them. You go through the motions of being a group of friends, but the question is always there right beneath the surface - if it really came down to it, would these people that you are supposedly so close to sell you out or even kill you in a heartbeat if it served their agenda - and would they do it in the name of brotherhood/sisterhood?

Nesting Dolls isn't the most realistic movie in the sense that many of us - even those who have belonged to a fraternity/sorority - can say we've actually been though the exact scenario presented in the movie. However, just about anyone who has been in an organization in which you call yourselves 'brothers' or 'sisters' will most likely agree - that's exactly what you thought it was, just below the surface.

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Cobra Kai (2018–2025)

9/10

The greatest trash ever produced!

15 January 2021

First off, as a strictly amateur martial artist who has nonetheless seen quite a few real and tournament fights - the fight scenes in Cobra Kai are about as unrealistic as they could possibly be.

But that doesn't mean they aren't an absolute blast to watch.

Likewise, this series is chock-full of teenagers who don't look or talk like real teenagers, parents who don't look or talk like real parents, martial arts instructors who do not look or talk like real martial arts instructors, and a melodramatic, often cartoonishly violent and over-the-top rivalry between dojos the likes of which has never, ever existed in real life.

But that doesn't mean you don't love (and hate) the characters, or that you don't become enthralled with the compulsively watchable, hysterically absurd plot lines.

And as an added bonus, amidst the wonderful chaos of one of the most deliciously unrealistic series ever made - you even get an unexpectedly touching, surprisingly realistic presentation of one aspect of real life - that no one is completely good or completely bad.

Do yourself a favor and subscribe to this wonderfully bad, wonderfully trashy series. Just don't start watching the first episode on a weeknight when you have work or school the next morning. You'll be up all night until you've watched every last episode.

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The Last Dinosaur (1977)

5/10

The stupidest and yet possibly the most brilliant bad movie ever

3 December 2020

Warning: Spoilers

How can a movie - make that an incontrovertibly bad movie - be both inconceivably stupid and brilliant at the same time?

If you have trouble answering that - dig up The Last Dinosaur on YouTube or somewhere else; it will either be free or very, very cheap.

And whether you love it or hate it - you will almost be certainly transfixed from beginning to end. Why? Because you're going to keep asking yourself - is its ridiculousness due to the most incompetent filmmakers in history - or the most brilliant? Is this a movie that just doesn't know how bad it is - or absolutely knows how bad it is and goes for broke by striving to be the most memorably bad movie ever made?

Pay attention to the three most ridiculous scenes of the whole movie - and ask yourself if they are the worst scenes in the entire movie - or the best.

In the classic (and perhaps intentional) tradition of a three-part story - the first scene is the second most ridiculous - and also the second-most memorable. The titular dinosaur - a T-Rex that looks something like a cross between Godzilla and the Grimace from the old McDonald's commercials - is minding his own business burying a rocket that travels through the ground instead of the air (don't ask); when he's attacked by a triceratops that explodes out of the side of a mountain. Yes - you heard that right. No setup, no explanation - just your average triceratops buried into the side of a mountain who decides to burst free and go after a passing T-Rex. What is so wonderfully perplexing is - unlike the God-awful special effects and shoddy editing - this scene really, really tries to be... something. Not sure what - but good Lord, it's trying.

The second scene is least ridiculous of of the Ridiculous Scene Triad - but it is nonetheless still epic in its ridiculousness. Again the titular T-Rex is minding its own business - save for chasing Joan Van Ark into a cave after she runs between its legs (don't ask) when Joan's posse sneaks up behind it, ties a vine/rope/not really sure to its tail and the other end to a boulder, and the T-Rex gets whisked off its feet and onto its arse when the boys call out the T-Rex and the boulder rolls past him and down a hill. While this isn't quite as ridiculous as the first in that it is kinda, sorta theoretically possible - but it nonetheless provides one of the most hilarious sight gags in history when we see the 20 ton dinosaur soaring through the air onto its caboose. Can such a scene be possible without the writer, director, and producer trying to give us the most hysterically funny scene in any movie anywhere - or is it just bad movie-making? You will ask yourself that question again and again, and you will never, ever forget that wonderfully ridiculous scene.

Finishing in the classic (and again possibly intentional?) presentation of a three-part story - they save the most hilariously awful, hilariously wonderful scene in all of monster cinema (and that includes the roaring shark at the end of Jaws: The Revenge) for the end. Once again the T-Rex is minding its own business - save for sneaking up on The World's Greatest Tracker and, I don't know... maybe eating, maybe stepping on, maybe simply stealing his beaded necklace...? when our heroes take him on with a three-story catapult they somehow built with stone-age tools in a few days (don't ask). The boulder hits the T-Rex perfectly in the noggin - and its noggin gets crushed like an egg-shell and then snaps back into place for the dinosaur to recover completely. Once again, the wonderfulness of this scene is in the question - was the dented head intentional or not? Were the filmmakers too stupid to just put some cheap plywood inside the dinosaur's noggin and re-film - or too smart to realize leaving it in would create one of the most ridiculously memorable scenes in B-movie history?

Whether you guys did all this on purpose or not - I salute you. You made one hell of a really memorable, really bad movie.

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The Magnificent Seven (1960)

7/10

Hammy and melodramatic with often poor production values - but still fun

15 August 2020

The observation that "They don't make 'em like they used to" isn't always a bad thing.

In many ways, The Mag Seven is very dated.

The characters, while memorable, are also rather melodramatic - as is the acting. The action scenes are not the most realistic - and at times are just plain laughable. The image of a dummy with its arms and legs bending and flailing in every direction they're not supposed to in what is supposed to be desperado whose been shot off his horse and dragged is a good example. So is James Coburn with a smear of strawberry jelly on his shirt in what is supposed to be a mortal wound.

Still, it's wonderful fun to escape into a movie from a different era - a time when movies just wanted to entertain you rather than shove a political message down your throat or shame you for not appreciating its boring art house pretentiousness.

Dated, sure - but I'll take it over anything Robert Redford thinks it's our obligation to sit through. This movie works for you - not the other way around.

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Radio Flyer (1992)

7/10

Trust me - the ending does NOT mean what you think it does

2 July 2020

Warning: Spoilers

I didn't get it either - until my own brother died two years ago.

He died in a scuba diving accident. We told his older nephews and nieces what actually happened. We told his youngest nephew and niece - the 'Littles' - that 'Uncle Steve was swimming the ocean - and he swam up to Heaven.'

Whether or not you're crazy about this movie, I promise it isn't trying to suggest that hurling yourself off a cliff in a little red wagon is a viable alternative to child abuse.

In fact, it's not even trying to suggest that anything remotely like that actually happened in the movie.

Here's what happened: Bobby died at the hands of the King. Years later, his brother Mike didn't want to tell his kids the full story - so he made up a story about Bobby flying away in a Radio Flyer wagon.

The movie isn't advocating suicide or anything like that. It's just a story about how a father chose to tell his kids why they never met their Uncle Bobby.

Right or wrong, it's also what we decided to do - because we loved my brother and the Littles.

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The Assistant (III) (2019)

7/10

What to expect from this movie

9 May 2020

First off, this movie does make a number of thinly veiled references to Harvey Weinstein.

However, do not expect to see much of Harvey in this movie.

Do not expect a sort of 'Harvey Dearest' exploitation piece with wall-to-wall scenes of a movie executive who is obviously supposed to be Harvey Weinstein abusing and raping employees left and right.

Additionally, do not expect something along the lines of 'All the President's Men' or 'Erin Brockovich' in which a plucky young heroine brings down a powerful but very corrupt individual.

What you can expect is to see a very accurate depiction of a typical day of a typical employee amidst the silent chaos of someone like Harvey Weinstein's reign of terror.

Finally, you can expect a very competent answer to the question of exactly how individuals such as Weinstein and Bill Cosby got away with what they did for as long as they did.

I mean - didn't anyone know?

Well, The Assistant answers this question - with relentless presentation over exposition: they didn't get away with it because no one knew; they got away with it because EVERYONE knew. And anyone who has been witness to this sort of thing knows that's exactly how it happens. The behavior simply becomes part of every day life in the organization, and from thereon no one will say anything because the entire organization becomes an extension of the boss's behavior.

It's not a fun movie - but it is an honest one.

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The Hunt (II) (2020)

10/10

Ironically, the most 'offensive' movie is the one that doesn't take sides

4 April 2020

First off, I HAVE actually seen the movie.

Second, I fully expected it to be another of those annoying, one-sided films where the Hollywood establishment attempts to divide the entire world into good guys and bad guys based on which of the two idiots everyone voted for in 2016. Never mind that Hollywood elites are the worst personal offenders of the socioeconomic and environmental causes they constantly lecture us on. They're also woke, so it's cool.

So I watched The Hunt out of curiosity. Exactly what about this movie is so much more offensive than so many of the other movies born out of the Hollywood Hypocrisy genre we've seen of late?

Twenty minutes in, however, I realized this wasn't your typical movie to come out of Hollywood in which the filmmakers' personal political views are on full display in sledgehammer-to-the-face obviousness.

Halfway through, I couldn't even tell which side the movie was on.

For starters, it seemed chock-full of caricatures from both sides. Specifically, what both sides like to believe everyone on the other side is. Lots of stupid, bible-thumping gun enthusiasts with beer bellies and racist attitudes; and just as many pretentious, judgmental hypocrites who are obsessed with their own self-righteousness to the point of violating the very principles they claim to champion a thousand times over.

It wasn't until the last fifteen minutes that I finally got which side this movie is on - and exactly why some who have actually seen it find it so offensive.

The answer - to both the question of what side the movie is on, and to why this movie is so 'offensive' - is that IT'S NOT ON ANY SIDE, OTHER THAN BOTH SIDES HAVE BECOME JUST PLAIN NUTS!!!!

I mean, at least 'offensive' movies like Fahrenheit 9/11 had the courtesy to allow both sides to feel vindicated. If you're on Michael Moore's side, you can simply believe every word, and revel in your own sense of self-righteousness. If you're on George W. Bush's side, you can view it as a hack job typical of the other side, and revel in your own sense of moral superiority.

The Hunt, on the other hand, has the audacity not to take a spoon-fed approach to who is right and who is wrong, and tell it in a way neither side wants to hear - you're all a bunch of nut jobs who need to get a life, and you're only going to get worse if things keep going the way they are going.

First time I've ever given a movie a 10 out of 10.

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Bless the Beasts & Children (1971)

5/10

To this day, I just don't know

13 March 2020

I remember seeing this movie in high school as part of a freshman English class.

And it was by far the most memorable movie I saw as part of my high school curriculum. To this day I still don't know if it was particularly good, but wow was it memorable.

First of all, I don't think I've ever seen so many young boys in their underwear in any movie - much less one that was part of a high school curriculum. It almost struck me as something akin to child pornography - only with just enough of the bodies clothed for the filmmakers to avoid jail time. I've heard some say it was to convey vulnerability rather than to be exploitative - but I couldn't help but notice the director devoted almost as much screen time to parading the bullies around in their skivvies as he did the victims. Was it on artistic grounds - or just exploitation? I still just don't know.

Second of all, you would be hard pressed to find a movie that presents its heroes in such an unflattering light. Self-absorbed, and often obnoxious and just plain weird, these boys really got on your nerves. I would feel sorry for them one moment, and then want to beat them up myself the next - and I'm saying that as someone who got bullied himself in high school. They did of course have a noble mission - to save a herd of buffalo - but even that seemed a little strange and hard to accept given their penchant for being losers with essentially no redeeming qualities. Again, I don't think I'll ever know if the true purpose of this in-your-face presentation of protagonists you would really rather never meet in real life was done to challenge us - or simply to make us feel uncomfortable?

I will always remember this movie. Just don't particularly ever want to see it again.

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