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2/10
Random sketches stitched together to make this dreadful Carry On for the 2020s
6 May 2024
There were some funny moments. Some with genuinely funny results but when these jokes landed, they were beaten to death, repeated over and over, just in case we didn't get it the first time round.

I am a great fan of "the silly" and count the likes of airplane and Police Squad as perfect examples of this medium. But looking back they had really good writers and above all it wasn't what you said but what you left out and ultimately.... timing.

The first episode of this series showed none of that. The assembled a bunch of character actors to just act like themselves in the hope that some magic happens. They tried to land joke after joke but it ended up looking like a tribute to the Carry On series of films replete with penis double entendres, I mean why not, it's in his name after all, why waste material. In fact now that I recall many of the jokes in this episode were ridiculed and derided in an episode of Blackadder the Third, Amy and Amiability, for being too dated and predictable. I gave it 2 stars, because I did laugh at points, mainly out of pity and embarrassment.
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1/10
The worst thing to pass before my eyes in years... and not only in TV or film
25 December 2023
A lot of people are citing influences like The Seven Samurai and the Star War franchise as main inspirations for this unfortunate dreck, and this may be true, but I see other influences, more obvious than the above such as Road Runner & Wile E Coyote or Tom & Jerry throughout the many fight/dance sequences haphazardly strewn about like so many broken teeth.

Like them the characters (and I'm being very generous calling them characters) could beat the pulp out of each other resulting in bits intermittently flying off them yet when the dust settles there's not a scratch on them, not a dent in the fender, not even the slightest sign of exertion or fatigue throughout any of the exchanges. It was just like a cast of emotionless marionettes being pranced through various landscapes where, and this is where it diverges from the source material of Wile E Coyote or Tom & Jerry, none of them actually learn anything throughout their escapades, they are just as vacuous at the end of the tale as they were at the beginning.

The actors, like many of the reviewers searching vainly for something to say about the greatness of Zack Snyder, had absolutely nothing to work with although they tried valiantly to justify their time and money. In the end the viewer is left as crestfallen and utterly bereft of hope as the expressions all the actors exhibited at the end, even though the characters they played supposedly won the day and sent the bad guys packing. I seen it, I just didn't feel it.

So to wrap up, some questions about the crazy universe in which I was briefly dipped...

1. What kind of wonder crop were they growing that apparently takes nine weeks to mature, one moment scattering seeds by hand, the next heaving a scythe about with harvest approaching?

2. What was so great about the murdered king, sounds like he was as bad if not worse than the folks who killed him and deserved no pity nor honour?

3. Just how many teeth does Atticus really have? He clearly loses at least seven permanent ones in the final fight scene and yet regains them all when his comrades plugs him into a recharge socket? Are they like the Mr. Conehead's teeth comprised of multiple layers, or like a shark, constantly replenishing themselves?
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The Umbrella Academy (2019–2024)
1/10
Season 3 just entered oblivion
28 July 2022
Warning: Spoilers
Not sure how to express my disappointment in season 3 more than has been pointed out already.

The plot was so full of holes it was like a sieve.

The acting was mediocre at best and Victor was an empty sullen space where an actor should have been.

Netflix tried to make it all things to all people and failed miserably.

It seemed at times they were depending on the actors to dictate the plot.

So about those plot holes...

If the universe is reset and everyone returned to their own timelines, how did (sparrow) Ben return with the Umbrellas?

How is Number 5 still a boy when the very thing that caused it no longer exists? Shouldn't he be the same age as his siblings?

But perhaps we shouldn't pull at these threads... or everything unravels.
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The Bubble (2022)
2/10
Oh boy this sucked!
2 April 2022
Started out weak but still funny in parts, but in many ways the film suffered the same fate as Cliff Beasts 6, poor direction, no actual story to speak of and lots of drugs to fill in the gaps. Dance sequences were brainless fillers to appeal to the Tiktok generation, which would've been humourous if it was ironic which I have a feeling it wasn't.

For me, it was 2 hours too long, would've just worked as a sketch on a comedy show but this, this was really, really bad.
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A Discovery of Witches (2018–2022)
4/10
Complicated plot editing, way too many characters
22 January 2022
So, half way through the 3rd season and the story is moving quite slowly but the characters are many, in some instances played by two different actors, which makes it a tad confusing.

Baldwin is played by a different actor in season 3 due to other commitments of the original actor.... or is he.

At the final scene at the baptism, gathered around the family table the original Baldwin is standing there bold as billy befrigged in his tank top with his chubby smile, yet in a scene just seconds before Baldwin- the new incarnation- heads back to a meeting in Venice, now I know vampires, at least in this story, are fast but can they shape shift too?

My head buzzes...
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Debris (2021)
7/10
3/4 way through the series and I am impressed
14 April 2021
We are currently 3/4 way through the series now and so far the episodes have kept up the tension and intrigue not only about the mysterious debris but the shady organisations hoping to profit from it. Back stories are believable, so far, but now comes the interesting part. Can they wrap up the season, give closure to the viewers and still keep a little in reserve to hint at another season. I won't preempt any conclusions.

Later that series...

I never thought that the series would emulate the debris that was the subject of the show but it left a crater, and given they would've known about it in advance you'd think they would've amended the series ending to wrap it up, but no, disappointment all round. It tailspinned at episode 7 and never recovered.

Well bummer!
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Thunder Force (2021)
2/10
Look on the bright side
11 April 2021
Ok so a Zack Snyder superhero flick it ain't and for acting quality and depth of feeling it probably doesn't go much higher than Dr. Dolittle 2.

I'm sure the actors involved would have preferred something meatier than the cinematic raw chicken they had to work through here but we're in the midst of a pandemic so my standards have taken a hit.

It provided the occasional titter in some spots if indeed it laid it on with a not so subtle trowel. I mean the suit stank was old the second time it was mentioned but hammering at it for five or so times throughout the flick I mean come on!

With films like these one can moan about having an hour and 45 minutes taken out of your life, and never getting it back again and if one cannot squeeze the occasional giggle out of them...

look on the bright side, the next movie you see may well be a steaming pile but having watched this it won't seem so bad.
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1/10
If convenient turn this tripe off, if inconvenient turn it off all the same.
30 March 2021
I gave this series two episodes, probably not enough to gauge the series but I really couldn't make it past the lousy acting, modern slang and terrible soundtrack.

Something was quite odd about how all the characters seemed to assume the plot better than the viewers, they raced to the end of the mystery in double quick time because Dr. John Watson was afraid to get his hands dirty...whaaaaaaaaat?

Ok, I know this is based on a graphic novel, but newsflash, there are really bad graphic novels out there too, however, on occasion they can craft an exceptional silk purse out of a genuinely rotten sow's ear. This isn't one of those times.

The best thing Netflix can do is put this puppy to sleep before it ruins it for other graphic novel adaptations.

The real problem here is they tried to do too many things at once and when you do that.... get real actors to help.
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Servant (2019–2023)
1/10
Shades of a theatrical farce
28 February 2021
S02E07 Doors opening, slamming shut,, self flagellation, almost comical interactions with the police and the catatonic uncle George. I swear, put in a character trying to hide an extramarital affair and you you would have Run For Your Wife or any number of other British comedy farces, which for anyone who didn't see Run For Your Wife, spoiler alert, it isn't the least bit funny, and count your lucky stars too.

Jump back three episodes and you have Sean asking his Wife, "are we crossing a line here?", this after kidnapping their former nanny, drugging her and imprisoning her in the attic bludgeoning her unconscious and trying to bury her alive in the basement.

It was right after this segment that I wondered at what slim thread of vague reality are we supposed to cling to here. I imagine MNS is laughing all the way to the bank with this one. I mean he took a real dive with Signs but this... a whole new word has to be invented to describe this nonsensical garbage.
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The Third Day (2020)
4/10
What a disappointing ending
20 October 2020
Warning: Spoilers
This is another of those series of two halves. The first , we'll say 4 episodes kept the suspense and creepiness at a high, then the last two, well what can I say, drowned in its own pretentiousness, leaving lots of unanswered questions, like what becomes of the island, who was the boy, why were there so many disemboweled people and animals, who were these mysterious island Celts, why is the island the center of the world, how did such crimes go unnoticed for such a long time and why do they have such a bug problem, but no answers were forthcoming in the last episode just lots of gruesome killings and gratuitous uses of the C word.

Quite a disappointing ending all round.
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4/10
It could've been better!
8 August 2020
Went into this not expecting greatness, possibly mildly entertained, and it did that but that's it. Characters are all flat and cliched including the letch Kiwi Professor. I really didn't feel any connection or empathy for any of the characters, everyone seemed so wooden. The trailer was good though, but unfortunately it had all the best bits, like the book of the main character, it could've been better.
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Dark (2017–2020)
5/10
Dark, and very little light
12 July 2020
Warning: Spoilers
A series that started like so many others, with great promise. Season one did a great job building suspense and characters, really got you right into that small town.

But then season two came about and suddenly the mysterious Adam/ Jonas shows up like the contrite Dearth Vader close to death, perpetually lying to young Jonas and misleading him into maintaining the infinite loop of weird time for reasons only known to Adam. Meanwhile the rest of the Winden's inhabitants reeling from the disappearances set about to find out the meaning of the time portals, while initially successful, succumb to failure and often brutal ends which as any time traveller knows is completely unnecessary to eliminate someone from a timeline but all, especially the Nielsens are woefully bad at following through. Season two is just a mire of lies, flashbacks forwards and sideways until you haven't a clue who did what to whom and by the last episode, you care even less.

Season Three, takes most of the carefully crafted characters and through various follow up stories turns them into vain, self serving psychopaths without a single redeeming feature so that you despise everyone, even the central character Jonas, who by the miracle of time and the magic of the series writers script lives again and again, joined this time by an alternative version of Martha whose known as Eva for some reason, and she proceeds to lie her ass off to her younger self in much the same fashion as Adam did to Jonas. The story finally comes full circle when the incredibly difficult task of setting the timeline right, which none of the travellers could do over eons of repeated de Ja Vus over the course of centuries and multiple copies is achieved by telling a couple, a son of a watchmaker and inventor of the time travelling device not to drive over a bridge but go back home... Boy what an anti climax that was.

The inclusion of a third world only in the closing stages provides clues that this was to be the premise of season 4 but the show's creators must have got bad news from Netflix so no more seasons and wrap the whole doodad in a rushed patch job that frankly made no sense, in as far as any of it made sense. But like other teen series the viewer was rewarded in moments of retrospect and thought gathering by gratuitous horny teens getting their end away in as many shapes as they could, even an especially creepy one between two minors in season three, again it served no purpose to the overall story or outcome down the line. Great initial concept ruined by greed and not knowing when to just... STOP!
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8/10
Never liked the Eurovision but this was very entertaining.
1 July 2020
Even if you don't get all the cameos and jokes related to the Eurovision, this still makes for a very original comedy and keeps you on the edge of your seat the whole way.

Granted the Icelanders may take a different view but for me the depiction of small town life, especially a coastal one, is oddly spot on. It seems the actors really got into their parts here.

absurdly entertaining!
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1/10
Series created more of crater than the pod
30 June 2020
Only got 3 episodes into this tripe before giving up on it. It veered off the book so much and the characters had, well no character. Finally I love Timothy Spall's acting talent as much as the next guy but his son proves it cannot be passed on in the genes, my god Raphe is lousy in this. but to be fair the others may as well be cardboard cut outs rather that actors. Will go down as an embarrassment for the BBC this, I'm sure.
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The Witcher (2019– )
7/10
Wind's Howling!
15 June 2020
Took two runs of this series to finally understand the timelines but being an avid player of the Witcher 3 I had a broad idea of the outline pieced together by historical snippits.

The Witcher is in no way boring, zipping along at a pace and all cast seemed to have committed to the moment as they say. Needs to get deep down and personal with the next season to really flesh out the characters as they attempt to rip the flesh from their foes.

Lots of material to work with so don't let Kenneth Branagh direct a single episode or you'll end up with Farty Owlimas all over again.
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Star Trek: Picard (2020–2023)
3/10
Where a lot of series have gone before
15 June 2020
Like many others I did so want to enjoy Picard- the second coming, but there were so many obstacles in the way.

Why did we go so far into the darkness. Why was every returning character and new one beset by such misfortune, sure the odds are that one of the former crew had a happy life. It's like the makers went out and out to depress all the loyal followers out of sheer malice. 7 of 9 a disillusioned vengeful bounty hunter JL on the brink of death and feeling the icy hand of death on his shoulder Rafi a recovering alcoholic, causing the break up of her family Will and Deanna hiding the grief of losing their son.

I mean I like a bit of realism as much as the next guy but from being held as the hero of starfleet, defeating the Borg and a Romulan uprising to being a geriatric pariah of the galaxy... I mean come on. Give me something to work with.

Looking forward to Guinan making an appearance in season 2, that is unless she is dying from some terminal disease or goes rogue. I really miss the episodic nature of TNG where everything is wrapped up at the end of each episode and it doesn't take 8 long winded parts to come to an unsatisfactory conclusion. Happy endings, wasn't that what Star Trek was all about, but who needs optimism these days.
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Artemis Fowl (2020)
1/10
Persistant Up voting to raise the grade
14 June 2020
I left a review on the first day of release and gave it a 1.

This movie failed in acting, directing, CGI music and pretty much anything else I could think of but thought in the cold light of day to leave an update now that the dust has settled.

In my original appraisal I may have given it more stars then it deserved, but there is no lower level than 1 so that limits things a bit.

There is quite a bit of activity by misguided individuals who seek to raise the movie's grade to absurd levels of 10 stars simply because they want to raise it to 10 stars. This makes a mockery of the grading system in truth.

Granted I am not the target age group for a Movie of this type but having so little respect for younger viewers causes its own problems down the line.

Quite simple IMHO it was the worst pile that has ever come out of Disney in quite a time and signifies the deeply cynical nature of young adult entertainment today. It bore no relation to the trailers that preceded it and appeared to be glued together in a rush.

Finally to those who are trying to raise the grade of this movie for whatever reason, possible inspired by money or the Disney corporation , just stop, it won't work. This movie was judged and found wanting by a huge number of people, we can't all be wrong now come on.
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Artemis Fowl (2020)
1/10
Bleurghhhh!!! this movie wasn't released it was wretched up
12 June 2020
Absolutely, positively the worst thing I've seen and not only limited to films, but anywhere.

No atmosphere, tension and the acting... hello, I can practically hear the Gaiety Acting school getting ready to offer a whole lot of refunds.

Once I heard the line, "the most magical place there is... Oireland" I knew there was no redemption. It's hard to fathom that garbage like this can still get so far in production before being redirected to the nearest recycle centre. It comes as no surprise that Kenneth (wooden)Branagh was attached to this given the hatched job he did on the Shackleton Biopic but this, this film should be a criminal offence.

From about ten minutes in I wanted to scoop out both eyes with a melon baller and swirl it about in the sockets. I actually felt nauseated after that but persisted in the vain hope that either the film would magically turn about or an asteroid would hit. I often heard that a story has plot holes but this plot hole had no story, at all. With any other title one would be wary of spoilers in reviews but here to say there was anything to spoil would be a monstrous lie.

In short (and not that dreadfully aggravating fairy of the same name) anyone who can read and loved those books, please avoid this at all cost, what with Covid19 and recession, this will send you right over the edge. There was so much more I wanted to say about this film but I won't sully my brain dredging up images from this cinematic acid reflux... suffice it to say...

It's very, very bad!
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Young Sheldon (2017–2024)
7/10
Not the greatest but I enjoyed the seasons so far
8 May 2020
It took a while to warm up and it does pay the odd homage to TBBT when it can, or even when it shouldn't (I'm thinking of Sheldon's visit to Caltech and the remarkably preserved cafeteria which remained untouched for 25 years).

But we all knew this tale has its sad points and of course the future demise of George Cooper is one probably everyone expects (only another 2 seasons before that btw) but there is a darker side to the Sheldon story which, given the relative pacificity of the current portrayal of George and Mary Cooper I cannot equate with the stories shared by Sheldon when Leonard and Penny were fighting, such as George's mysterious affair, his drinking problem, his misogynistic attitude toward women (Women are like an egg salad sandwich...) and his violent tendencies such as skeet shooting Mary's Franklin Mint collectable plates from the roof, and Mary's contemplation if Jesus would forgive her for putting ground glass in the meatloaf while Sheldon listens to a Richard Feynman lecture at full volume and counts the days before leaving for college... To quote Leonard, "all that story does is make me feel sorry for your mother".

If they can bring all this into the next two seasons and still call it a comedy I definitely would both love to see the result and commend the writers, but it's a hugely tall order given that Mary and George were played far too unflawed from the get go. I won't even go into the alternative Memaw portrayal.
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1/10
OMG words fail me
17 February 2019
Having seen this all I wanted to do was scoop out my eyes and place them in a blender. I put this movie in the category of "it cannot get any worse than this". I went with low expectations and even they were pounded into the ground... much like everything else in this movie. I remember a scene from The Science of Sleep where Stephane dreamed of a cardboard city, well this was the same except the actors were cardboard too, I had to fight the urge to put it in a recycle bin.

The showing I went to had two people who were coming down from a high and I found them in the bathroom afterwards crying into the mirror this, I have to say, is not a good sign. I cared for none of the characters at the end and neither did the actors by the looks of it. It was a vacuous shell of a movie with a tenuous plot and a kind of on the nose homage to the gladiators of Rome, where instead of the thrill of the Colosseum you had a huge pile of mechanical and cgi crap and instead of a production team that actually gave a damn what they were producing was a huge pile of mechanical and cgi crap. 5 people actually walked out wincing, now this is also not a good sign. I gave 1 star for the end titles, as I was never so glad to see them and for the fact it was short. I have a working title for the sequel..Alita: Benchmark of everything that's wrong with movies today.. probably needs shortening.... beyond that... oh boy!
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