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The Adventures of Huck Finn (1993)
Benjo's Bad Zone just got a liiiitle bit interesting!
Thank you to Big Dog Diggle for donating 2 dig dogs to our Big Diggle dog Patron charity account for child and sons, for that he gets 1 free dig doggles sent straight to the nasty nebula of child sadness for almost free on wednesdays of my choosing. NO REFUNDS!
The film casts mostly goblin sharks, which is quite out of place in this age of gremlins and goblin gnomes.
This must be an early Swomp Roberts because his Huck Bulge was showing for almost the whole filmograph. It's well-known that the Christian Tuggers were trying to indoctrination kid particles and the rest of them meats in the big meats and the meats in the middle.
We munch on the tubby marvin twins more than we used to because it's the Old Film.
I couldn't tell what the bloody hell the characters were saying because it's in South Kenswestern dietician and I was watching Babestation while my other knee was digging tax legislation in the homeycomb home.
The film is mostly about me, Richson Richardson, and how I stole my family. Piece by piece. Until I had enough to afford a wife with a couple of knees short of a sandwich pickle syndrome?
They had to get the sweet corn children out down the river before the pickle syndrome robot stuck a mustard seed up the birthday boy. The sweet corn children rode down the river with their giggle finger trays until Old Swarm Belly, the youngest of the 10,000 billion corn children on the boat, had his belly swell to the size of three football nebulas. Honest Stephens, it happened, I saw it with my other eye before it rolled on the floor and Tom Sawer pick it up eat it with his very own eyes before corn child 3's belly exploded. He should have known it was coming, after consulting the gibbling stump in act 3 of the hobblefilm movie filmtacular. Corn child 5's belly, now dangerously large, no longer appearences in the film after this point - coincidence?!
Lennie's Bovril song displeased the tickle dragon, causing the deaths of 7 billion corn children but bringing to life the lives of 8 trillion wasabi babes, so it's all coming up cartridges. Trust a boy to hide an astrolabe for a cotton sandwich special, up tripe mountain and all!
The vegetable-laying egg matron, should have known the rules of the jungle! Hold onto your Tilly Farthings, young Partidgewise Pennywhistle - powerful stuff, makes you feel powerful fun! Utter garbage.
The main sailsman on the island, sells more bags of shrugs than he bargained for, and can never repay the tightrope man for his tightrope made of language barriers or fortified souls, whatever you like. And it was all going so well until the Diahhorea Babes come to town next Tuesday if they make it that swell. And they could NOT be negotiated with. Is a cow says beep in the humble forest? I don't think so! And then the no-good MacDonald's nugget ferry came and killed everyone and gave everyone a free happy meals for life, and not a moment too soon.
Not a moment passes after the single children pass their family stones before Hucklebean and Margaret are at it again arguing over who performs the inaugural touch of the turkey flies: "I'M the turkey toucher in this here parts!", "No I'M the turkey deputy I!", and it really doesn't get any best. Not one!
Sad dig doggles was dies, sadly, before he got chance to receive his dog digs before Doggle Wednesdays. You know how it is. See you next week for your weekly review of This Film daily gestribe and delike on socky mediflux.
Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1995)
Putting the family wheel before the family cartridge pouch, AGAIN!
Hi I'm Richson Richardson and I'm your number 1 lawnmower man 2 review monster. You may my soil sample controversies that my son todgered. If you are from the first and fifth nebulas and both, parcelwise(!) or this will be complete gibberdash?
Jobe dipped his finger into the rumple pouch. Jobe shouldn't have dipped his finger into the rumple pouch.
Jobe, in an effort to redeem himself, tried his luck at the Betrand pouch. That proved an even bigger mistake.
Jobe was vindicated when he finally found thee Pigmalian Pouch.
Jobe made little noodle piles on his mother's garden step!
Jobe's son, the Olbas Man, leads the fight of the crime of the custard factory scale model exhibit competition monster factory.
The custard monster and the gravy granule monster and Jobe and the Gorgeous Boys have no truck with Jobe and the custard monster, or so you're made to believe!
Jobe has no custard parts because he's too busy stuffing dolphin eggs into his face...booooring.
At least half of the filmograph focuses around Edna Bottomhalf, who runs the only fake rubber wheel factory in the parish (and she's about to get the sack), untangles the human baby version of the rat king...booooring! I've seen that one before....booooring! I could've seen that one in my sleep! And old Barry Boats down pack swears he wrote that for the old Labour wheel cartoon segment before he lost his hair. And he never lies our Barry I've never seen him lie
The film comes to a hip-swoddling climax with the classic extendible fiddlerod scene, with Agent F and the fight with the Bertrand Pouch non-extendible fiddlerod party sequence. Filmogrophic dynamite! Ha ha giggle giggle chuckle chuckle fun for the kids ha ha giggle monster! Sector 4 secured.
And all this death and distraction about a simple Bovril pill misplacement factory custard monster pile driving accident fulfilment center. To be fair, for the time, I didn't see that one coming.
Color Out of Space (2019)
Just a handkerchief shy of a cold meat platter
This momentumentally brave film redefines the brave film genre into something altogether more audacious. Perhaps most notably the film cannot be paused or ever fully heard. What makes this all the more challenging is the brave decision to keep the film entirely in the Tupperware dialect, unless of course you forked out for the Tupperware to gravy translation module, of which only three remain after the great gravy granulation event in Newcastle-under-Lyme.
The film follows the exploits of astranout and all around pear man Nicholas Cage after he is colourblinded by a sausage meat surprise, though the specific type of sausage meat surprise bravely is never disclosed. The first half of the film languishes bravely in Nicholas's struggles with rehabilitation, before a stunning twist in which the moon men (as a nod to the chronicles) give Nicholas back his groovy colours. This is disrupted bravely by the actions of the antagonist seamstress teamster, Mrs Nesbitt. I can empathize with the frustrations of Mrs Nesbitt who tries postnatally to convince everyone that the toenail probability exponent is too low, but they just keep giggling and kissing their kidney trays.
The film invites you into its world with a host of fully fleshed-out characters, such as the beautiful Pregnant Pals Clang and Spang and their relation to Mrs Nesbitt; the bowl of dandelion syrup which is bravely played by several tubes; Hannah; Mrs Nesbitt and the Nesbitt Housewives; the ordnance survey team; and who could forget the good old squalid muffled bean muffler, Mrs Nesbitt, and the rest. Taken together, their lives weave such an intricate web of intrigue and depraved splendour that even the most hardened of viewers will be left in full leakage.
In summary: since the diagnosis, my wife has been trying to live life to the fullest, my children have started having children and not only in their nightmares, my parent has become an uncle to my only wetborn child, my grand-uncle once removed has finally started exploring his body before he succumbs to it, and I, Richson Richardson, have seen this film 15 times. Thank you for believing in me and this artistic brave breadcrumb perfume of a review.
End of a Gun (2016)
Spanish made easy
And let me finish by saying that the film centres around a mall blob (like myself, and you if I'm honest) researching the pension legends of the seventh son and the moon man chronicles. Very cliché if I'm honest, which I am, as you saw in the previous sentence.
I was surprised to see Steven bonjour Seagal imbibing thousands of traditional parisian onion prison crystals, a subtle nod to his Serbian roots. This initiates the almost imperceptibly subtle subtext of the rest of his life.
Marky Zuk, a frequent collaborator in the glue-gun skump travelator stories, is once again found stealing the president's carpal tunnel strategies, a subtle nod to the Facebroom's infamous tomato sauce heist scandal delivery monster, from which much of Seagal's life revolves around. Even to this day!
Our boy the Gazz Toblerone puts in a great performance as curator of the most controversial museum in the parish, that's right::: you heard me correct this time. OUDOUR OF AVOCADOS MUSEUM. Really thrilling.
Some people say the 5 hour dog kicking scene was too long, lasting a record 16 hours, the second longest in the parish. A bit too short I think but you can see what they were trying to do, very tricky to squeeze such art into a 20 parsec filmograph generator.
And didn't I see Steven Seacreature's 30 hour year old daughter give birth to the bipedal eye monster machine?! Yes, I did see that, it was good (not the best though if I'm honest). This was a subtle nod to Steven Seagoblin's daughter collection, which is currently on loan to the Louvre in South South East Hull-on-WildThornberries.
But let me be sincere for a moment. The film has one of the most realistic redigestive phlebotomy sequences ever disseminated by a subtle nod monster official.
Mr. Vargas and the Asian cowboy patrol were airlifted in to perform the lifesaving biscuit surgery to save Steven Seasection's life in real life! A subtle nod to his large Asian cowboy son, who was just big enough to feed all of his daughters at the end of the film. A subtle subtle nod indeed. Perhaps the subtlest, but I'll leave you to agree with me on that.
I would write more about this but the bus driver is threatening to lick my possessions. But to summarise:
Pros:
- Condiments
- Daughter to daughter cleaning service (on wheels)
- Mr. Vargas head Baker
- Kick dog not his dog
- Pros and cons
Cons:
- OUDOUR OF AVOCADO'S MUSEUM (too realistic for me thank you)
- Biped eye creature (not quite enough eyes)
- Daughter 30 hours old (chicken nugget syndrome)
The Asian Connection (2016)
A masterclass in dairy farm documentary-making
An up-and-coming delivery monster aspires to become the world #1 toenail delivery gangster.
In an unconventional move first popularised in the nose-harvesters quadrilogy but since fading into obscurity, the film begins at the start of the film. The graphic portrayal of mild toenail addiction may be too close to the home bone for many, it certainly was for me so I had to immediately stop directing the film and burn all traces of it. But yes, I agree with you, this is something parallel in importance to the creation of the universe or the invention of sausage skin, so people do need to know about it, especially children of the stones.
The toenail delivery monster teams up with an angry British salamander whose name isn't important. Saint Tim Martin of the luncheon meat earwig crew makes a rare cameo in the 51st nanosecond of the film. His racist mumblings are not for everyone, granted, but you can't deny that they they are integral to the first 20nanoseconds of the plot - this is a subtle nod towards Seagal's previous life as the Drink Up Please man in Wetherspoons. It was a brave move for Seagal to star only as the nose flaps in his iconic trotting heritage glasses. But it really did pay off! You did it again, Spielberg!!
Contract to Kill (2016)
A bit too much Tumble-Dryer lint but otherwise okay
Ex-CIA mattress salesman is awoken from a decade-long slumber from which he never recovers. He is assigned (or 'corrigated', hence the name of the film) to repopulate the city of Istanbul with his thousands of daughters. Wait. I need to describe him. His skin is made up of melted haribo and sausage meat and his demeanor is made from paper mæçhe. His hair is composed of several dead hedgehogs which Howard Carter found in his beard chambers. And he is allergic to his own soul, hence his absence for 100% film.
Anyway, let me describe each of his unique daughters. The firstborn is quasi-realistic, subsiding mainly on tumble-dryer lint, which is, incidentally, one of the major themes of the film, derived from one of the many ancient Siamese gravy philosophies. She has 27 ears, 25 of which had to be removed by CGI (which used up at least 10% of the ear-removal budget; the rest was donated to local ear-removal charities). The rest of his daughters are basically the same to be honest.
Thanks to Steven Spielberg's 50,000 identical twins, the director was able to make it seem like Steven was asleep for 99% of the film, thanks to his magic sunglasses. The film is divisive due to its unprecedented subtelty in it's portrayal of the Custard Sleep Scale phenomenon - some argue that the film has no intrinsic meaning the critics who understood it's secrets were hunted to extinction because of their delicious non-Newtonian flesh.
The main character, whose arms and legs were replaced with propellers in a horrific but cheerful salad-mixing accident. The true arc story, which is missed by many, really revolves around the love triangle between the drone, Henry (the hoover) "the hoover" Godzilla, and his estranged but omnipresent flesh cube wife who devotes her whole life to the increasingly popular Drone-Denail Theory (DDT), funded by the Children's Ear-Removal Cigar and Smoking Corporation (god bless America). It's this humanitarian disaster that really sets the backdrop for the climactic pie-eating scene at the start of the film. Incredible.
P.s. Gary Glitter makes a heartwarming cameo in the film as a lovable toaster, making the film accessible to children of 30 and over without needing painful adapters. Really innovative stuff.
Interstellar (2014)
A fantastic film which everyone needs to watch, never!
The film revolves around Matt McConauhauey's character, Cooper, a regular Astronaught-Farmer, struggling to make End's Meat. Not long after World War 3, frequent cosmic dust storms regularly decimate the worlds remaining crops, having already extinctified many staple crops, such as okra, and it also caused the MWF (Mortifying Watermelon Famine). Cooper and his daughter Murf (short for Murphy's Law). They found some dust or something on the floor didn't they? Yeah they did, and they discovered that it was some sort of Gravity jerking, which I was personally impressed with, since they adhered to Heinstin's Law of Gravitational bouncing.
The physical accuracy of the film is a controversial topic of debate, particularly the black hole sections. As a keen Physician, I can tell you that the 'Bookshelves in Black hole effect' is still an area of intense research among Theoretical Physicians. Another important phenomena in physics which the film attempted to portrait, is time dilution: This is where regular time packets densely filled with timeons are inflated full of vacuum by the gravitational field, thus diluting the time packets. The effect of this is that when we travel through the enlarged packets (although you don't actually see or feel them!), we perceive time to be slower than for people going through empty uninflated time packets. This is why when cooper and The Woman arrive back at the ship, everyone was oldened.
In conclusions, the film was extremely good, better than anything I've ever seen - BY FAR. Making me weep tears of joy and sadness. Yet the film was absolutely dripping with extremely boring, mundane, emotionless, boring, pedestrian, suburban, It made me weep tiers of excruciating, disagreeable, disappointment, depression, regret, mortification.
It's for these reasons I will definitely never see this disgusting, harrowing experience again. But when I do, It will be just as incredible as beautiful as watching a thousand consecutive child births.