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Stowaway (2021)
Artistically stupid.
So they have three scientists on board but absolutely nobody thinks of the sanctity of the mission having a priority over afternoon soaplike drama. Why did the main CO2 Scrubber panel not have even a single backup? Why so little algae? Why weren't they saving power and oxygen throughout if those were that tightly cut? How did the mission even get greenlit if the third member was added as an afterthought and to balance their weight even the primary backup to the essential life support system couldn't be accomodated? If they knew of everything above and they should, why would they wait till the last second to save that additional passenger unnecessarily jeopardising the crew's life and the entire mission, what magical solution could miraculously appear one fine day? Why didn't she(forgot her name) secure the cannister to herself while climbing the tether? Are these people even scientists because none of them behaved like one?!
And the most important question, how did the stowaway screw in the hatch after himself while still being cozy inside it? By god, what a mess! It's a space themed episode of Coronation Street!
Synchronic (2019)
Delightfully curt but awfully stupid
Started off good, I was liking the no nonsense sort of self aware meta dialogues between the two leads and then...one of them made a whole deal of testing and calibrating the time travelling pills with only 7 of them left in the planet AND NOT EFFING PLANNING OUT ANYTHING AT ALL! The first three journeys made sense but then he 1) took his own dog and not a spider or an ant in a jar to test if living things can be brought back 2) didn't hold on to his dog 3) ventured away from the tree he fell from on his 5th pill needlessly and how did he even find the exact branch he fell from again? 4) moved away from the rock again on his 6th pill, also how exactly did he find the girl since she didn't even write the message they apparently used to locate her 5) fed her the last pill too early, could've waited till they reached the rock before holding on to each other jeez 6) again moved away from her, no physical contact whatsoever whike squabbling with thd gun toting redneck or whatever when all they had to do was keep him busy talking while holding on to each other for just 35 seconds!
It's like they wanted to make this a heroic tearjerker so much that they threw away every bit of common sense and goodwill the basic idea garnered. Sad.
And don't even get me started on the battlefield corpses squinting their eyes and moving their arms to protect their crotch as the main character stomped on them. Worth 5 stars minus two for treating the poor dog like a used pair of socks.
Dismissed (2017)
A high school drama written by a middle schooler
Who have zero idea about the subjects they are writing about. The science teacher says gibberish non science, the english teacher is a jittery tiny minded non entity and even the school bully is a wimp. It was hilarious.
The Irregulars: Chapter One: An Unkindness in London (2021)
You've seen this before and possibly haven't liked it
The show takes itself too seriously and thus you can't. That godawful backscore is like a bum in sparkly jacket twadding their head and snapping fingers in your face while you try watching the show. The victorian setup and the iconic names are just eyewash and has as much to do with this show as my grandma. And thankfully that's naught.
Onisciente (2020)
"Future" from probably the eyes of 1960's
"Nano"boards the size of an encyclopedia, personal drones with old school firewalls stored in a closet, coders overseeing the actual 3D printing of a drone, the founding fathers' fingerprints being the overriding passkeys for virtually the entire security system of the city(? Country? The whole world?) that can be scooped up by a trainee with two months in the company all the while sweating and hyperventilating under the watchful eyes of her drone...all in a day's work.
It'd be a masterpiece had it been from a ten year old living in the '60s but is quite pathetic at a time when food delivery drones are technologically more advanced than these termites shown here. Stupid.
Hungerford (2014)
Sit comfortable with a strip of aspirin
If you're bored and want to acquire some brand new glasses for your eyes, go mess them up watching this first. I got a headache from the incessant camera shaking all the while trying to count the lead's nose hair because that was all that was visible, all in the first seven minutes of watching this crup.
I'll go lie down now. Someone snatch this bloke's phone before he shoots another movie.
The Drowning (2016)
This *has* to be a joke
It's a disjointed array of video clips with random characters doing inconsequential chores. Seriously, that description sounds way more interesting than this absolute waste of time. I wonder if the writer was on something while penning this and if they're willing to share. It must've been the good stuff.
Verónica (2017)
This is just bad.
They stumbled upon an idea that has been done to death in so many movies that it has subgenres for itself and they took themselves way too seriously. The psychoanalysis were shallow and boring, you'd see the twists from the other end of the planet and the pace just kills you with boredom. Then they "unravel" the mystery by painstakingly showing everything at 0.001x.
Frankly, just rather watch the grass grow in your backyard.
Criminal: France: Caroline (2019)
A steaming pile
The Leticia character makes the episodes almost unbearable to watch. How any of these can be the protocol anywhere and why none of these investigations would get poisoned due to the absolute crass handling of the detectives is beyond me.
Requiem (2018)
Should've been named "Fringes and Baby Blue Coat"
This series brought so many questions in my life that I never knew existed and will never find an answer to. Like: who conjures up a pagan ritual to summon an abrahamic archangel? What are these random people summoning angels and demons and everything in between getting out of these? What's the point of Sean and how can he survive off the grid in such a tiny remote village? How many sheep does that farmer own that he can afford to have dozens massacred every other day? What's the purpose of subplots like the weed factory and Rose's infidelity? Who cares what happens to that selfish prick of a platinum mannequin?
The true horrors of this story were the super dated music, the lead's staccato acting and her dubious haircut. That fringe. Gods.
Selfie from Hell (2018)
Tropey grot
Okay I had to log in just to write this review and write it I shall. This is without a doubt the worst movie I've sat through in my 189 years of existence. The lead character 1) leaves her comatose cousin in bed minus food/water/medicines/medical help for days before the poor soul has to hover above her bed and die 2) receives a real time video from cuz's phone of cuz sleeping in bed and chalks it up to her sleepwalking 3) hears an intruder at night, finds main door wide open, shuts it back up and wanders around the house without turning any light switches on while yelling "I have a knife" 4)finds several news online of her cousin being dead, checks it on cousin's laptop as well as if it has some personalised search engine on, doesn't go to cops/try to verify with other relatives because of course who hasn't had a couple of fake death news to their name huh? 5) doesn't mention any of these to her only ally who's an online friend she's meeting for the first time because she has zero real ones since 6) she's apparently "seeing some strange things recently that are impossible to explain" like window curtains bellowing. Dude. WIND. 7) has zero internet safety awareness in spite of "having done a lot of online work", which frankly I'm not surprised at seeing all she did was type A LOT on her laptop. 8) gives away her name, email, phone number the first time she was asked by a random stranger on the dark web despite being warned several times. She even answers the call from the unknown dude right after. At least tape your camera? Nope. It's like a lamb with a sparkly jacket on is doing a slow salsa in a roomful of wolves. You just can't watch.
At this point in this murk you start cheering for the baddie to cut her up already. Well, they made the villain just as inane as this airhead. He's a dark web anarchist and he knows her name, phone number, email...but has to ask for her address because he's so good at Tor he's forgot google. And the pseudo computer science in this movie is insane. The random techie bypasses a laptop password by typing what appears to be a love ballad to the computer, triangulates and intercepts cellphone signals left and right with a beeping counter, the evil badman who's foddered countless for thrill sets up red pulsating lights and a couple of laptops for God knows what but gets so wordy that a noob tazes him before he can arrive at the punchline. All he does is snap a couple of selfies to invoke the spook but the laptops are a cool background I guess.
How does a film like this get made today? The only legible answer to that is probably the director secretly wants to lure more idiots in the dark web and send a few lambs to the real wolves out there. Kids, I say this earnestly, DON'T watch this movie. You'll lose quite a few brain cells you're never getting back.
The Babadook (2014)
a forever-disheveled looking mother and her tantrum-loving kid face a suited-up spook
Being an ardent horror-cult fan,I invite any new movie in the block with the most open-minded enthusiasm possible and the silly sounding name of the movie prepped me up for a deliciously twisted movie experience, fingers crossed. But those very fingers curled up into a fist a few minutes into the film rolling. While,according to my layman's eyes, subtle trinkets of moments were captured surprisingly, the story itself was a bore. Frankly, I like to be spooked in spooky movies and not a single time did I feel scared. Or trapped. Or helpless as the characters were suggesting. It felt contrived, as if the characters could just step out of the house into the sunshine and stop playing this silly game of getting scared. I must admit,the theatre- full of laughing audience did not help setting the mood. One horror movie I wish I hadn't wasted my money on.