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Mat_Hadder
Reviews
Si j'étais toi (2007)
THIS is the movie that will make you WANT a daughter
The Actors!!! David DoucheCauseHeCan plays himself again in film not so unlike the X-files.
The Plot. David has an ugly wife and a HOT HOT daughter, but both end up in a snowy car crash landing them both in the hospital. The wife's soul or something transplants itself conveniently in the daughter.
Is this a comedy? I thought it was until the second act. David looks longingly into his daughters eyes, the windows of the hoe, and see's his ugly wife and then proceeds to send her to teenage parties where she does a drug called Special k that sends her into a K hole and then she becomes her self again, but only for a little bit because she becomes David's wife again and he so wants to have sex with her.
There are Oedipal undertones of which the Great Pervert Sophocles couldn't even surface with his big fat Greek face. For example, David wouldn't even dream of having sex with anyone but his daughter but had to for like.. since he married his ugly wife, have sex with Tea Leoni, his MOM!. Also, the hot daughter, when rejected by David, wandered off to liaise with courtly young suitors but opted to have sex with an older man.. her father.
In the end the movie just ends without anything interesting. Matthew Lillard should have come in and done Scooby Doo or something SLC punk, like kicking his career in the prostate. THEN I would have given this a 10.
FINAL SYNOPSIS: The Secret. Strong enough for a man, have sex with your daughter. 9
Dark Reel (2008)
Pretty good if you like watching a drunk actor destroy himself
The plot: Furlong is a fat drunk that lives on a futon in LA. He apparently has no job and likes watching terrible horror movies. He is also creepy because he followed his girlfriend from Georgia or somewhere that has fake accents. At the beginning Furlong tries, but sounds like he's doing an Australian accent and then just drops it.
Lucky for him, he wins a contest and gets to be an extra in a horror movie (but it's a pirate movie?). When he meets the actors, they're all stuck up bitches except for the most famous one who falls in love with his doughy belly, jaundiced eyes, and puffy black sandbags that float under his eyes on that big chubby cheeked face of his.
At one point they go swimming together, but he won't take of his shirt because he has D-cup man-boobs. They then have sex and are in love. All the while everyone on the film is getting murdered and there are two cops (candyman and apparently a former prostitute) in all of LA that can handle the case.
Eventually nothing makes sense and Furlong is dark and mysterious and sexy and I totally bought the hot chicks interest in him. There's one good actor in the movie. He's an old guy and probably thought this was a serious film. He must be retarded because his dialog was apparently written by Christopher Reeves, after the accident.
I imagine this is how the script went.
Scene: Old man and candyman discuss the depths of man's soul while smoking Kools. Fat drunk actor meanwhile see's a dead women in the dailys. Hot chick loves fat drunk actor because he doesn't believe in showers or sleep. Ghost makes old man shoot himself in the head but the movie just will not end. Fat drunk actor who has sex with hot chick after being cast as an extra is suddenly a famous movies star and at the screening totally pisses of his ex-girlfriend and she makes a face like she farted and got poop got in her mouth. The curtain falls.
Overall I give it a ten.
Titanic II (2010)
Lots of CGI stuff
I somehow caught this trash on cable over the weekend. I have no idea why it aired on TV in Australia before it even got a US release, but at least I didn't have to go out and rent it.
The movie opens with some guy surfing off what appears to be a Canadian ice shelf; when a large chunk of ice falls he rides the wave. Unfortunately for him, a piece of ice the size of Manhattan breaks off and that's the end of his story.
An old coast guard captain gets a call from NOAA and he flies out to the ice shelf. Lot's of mumbling about the evils of global warming and how they need to warn the planet that an epic tsunami is going to destroy the world... but most importantly it will destroy the Titanic II. It turns out the captain's daughter works as a nurse on the ship which has just set off on it's maiden voyage. The captain gets in his super-chopper and decides to fly all the way to the titanic to save his daughter.
His daughter used to date the guy that owns the shipping line and the Titanic II, he of course is on the ship. He has three girlfriends now but begins to regain his old affections for the nurse for some reason. The tsunami hits the ship conveniently wiping out half of the life rafts. I don't think the director was trying to be funny here, but all of the people bouncing back and forth pretending that the ship was falling over made me smile.
The boat continues to sink and the guy and girl run around trying to get out but don't. Fortunately they come across some scuba gear, unfortunately there's only one mouth piece. Rather than try sharing it, the guy just dies and that's pretty much the story.
Terrible acting, crappy CGI, hilarious dialogue The interiors of the Titanic II look like they were filmed in a rundown motel 6. They have a shot of the engine room and it looks like a dump truck backed into a loading bay.
How did this happen??
War of the Worlds (2005)
Like having sex with a turkey
I'm gonna come out and just say. Independence day was a better movie than war of the worlds. SPOILER!!!!!
The aliens get a cold and die. That's it end of story. They are smart enough to wait millions of years, to create tripods that can destroy anything for no reason at all, and yet they all catch cold and die.
I always thought Independence day was the dumbest waste of trash I have ever seen. I now stand corrected. Anyone that likes this movie probably has colon cancer. I can't wait for Dream Works to just call it a day, close up shop, and just end Spielberg's meaningless mind-numbing cancer causing crapola film career.