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The Poisoning (2013)
What did I just watch? No, seriously?
**This review contains spoilers!** "The Poisoning"? Yeah...the poisoning of good cinema, is more like it. The synopsis sounded promising enough, it's why I watched every painful minute of it, in the vain hopes that it would get better. Needless to say, it didn't.
First of all, this movie is PAINFULLY slow. The first hour or more reminded me of 'The Blair Witch Project', except this takes place on the highway/hotel rooms/wherever they happened to be at the time. All the three guys did was bicker, p*ss, and moan, moan, bicker, and p*ss, p*ss, moan, and bicker. And when the guys finally ran across the hitchhiker, he had a grand total of about 10 minutes of screen time. Yup.
Now, I don't need everything spoon-fed to me, but at least give me some scraps, for Christ sake! This goes out to whoever wrote the 'script' for this: I am not a freaking mind reader, OK? Neither are any of the other viewers, I'll wager. At least give us SOMETHING that we can kinda/sorta/maybe/probably/perhaps piece together, fill in the blanks ourselves, to at least...at least take a good GUESS at what was going on! Absolutely NOTHING was explained in this movie. Zip. Zilch. Nada. None. Was the hitchhiker The Devil or a demon? Why (if it was, indeed, him) did he drive just the main protagonist crazy? For what reason, other than the fact he initially refused to pick him up from the side of the road? And, given what happened later, who could blame him? The dude was a hundred different kinds of creepy.
Then, are you ready for it, be prepared for shaky, SHAKY camera-work during chase sequences, you know, the kind that will make you feel dizzy and sick to your stomach? Audiences can't get enough of that, right? Right! Things happening at night that you have absolutely NO IDEA what is going on, because it looks like the scenes were shot by the lighting from a Zippo cigarette lighter. Who was the mysterious woman at the gas station that the main character attacked? And why? As I already mentioned, nothing is ever explained, it's just another example of extremely lazy writing. The movie climaxes with 'driven crazy for no apparent reason and I can't even figure out how the bad guy did it' dude chasing his last friend into the desert, where he then murders the crap out of him. Then...the credits roll.
Don't waste your time like I did.
Z Nation (2014)
Don't let the one-star reviews fool you
**This review may contain spoilers**
First, let me preface this review by saying that in actuality, I would rate Z Nation a solid 7 or 8 out of 10 stars, but, like a couple of other people have mentioned, I'm giving it a 10, because I too believe that a lot of people have been unfairly comparing this show to TWD, which unjustly brings down this show's overall rating. I have no gripes with the people who rated it a 5, 4, or even 3, because we're all entitled to our own opinions, but for people to give it ONE star? That is just plain mind boggling, and a flat-out lie.
It is NOT that bad! I don't care who gets mad at me for saying this, but:If you rated this show 1 out of 10, you are either
A: an irrationally rabid fan boy of TWD, or
B: a person who, in real life, is virtually IMPOSSIBLE to please. There's no third possibility.
This show isn't perfect, but then again, what show is? Even Seinfeld, my favorite show of all time, had a dud episode here and there. This show is no different, but, the thing is, there are far more good episodes than bad! I'm honestly shocked that The Asylum had this kind of talent on board all this time, unless they hired all new writers, producers, etc. They've done so much with so little, when it comes to Z Nation.
Far too many comparisons have been made between this show and TWD, and you know what, I'm GLAD it's not like TWD! Believe me, my wife and I are both big fans of TWD, but even we agree that they have FAR too many 'filler' episodes. You know, where they hem-haw around, pontificating the meaning of life and the universe, or hem-hawing around while Glenn and Maggie play *kissy kissy smoochie smoochie* face, or hem-hawing around about who built the most rugged pickup truck, Ford, Chevy, or Dodge, or just plain, old fashioned hem-hawing around, wandering around aimlessly while we're subjected to crappy, angsty emo music being played in the background. Frankly, I'm quite worried with the direction TWD seems to be headed, it's getting far too soap opera-ish for our tastes.
Z Nation hits the ground running, and never lets up. And that's no exaggeration. Quite literally, according to storyline canon, they CANNOT let up from episode to episode, because they're trying to get some guy across the country, literally the entire country, to a lab or clinic where he can be studied, because the guy is kinda/sorta/maybe/probably/perhaps immune to zombie bites, and he's getting unhealthier by the day. So every episode is a different location with unique challenges that they have to tackle and resolve, quick, fast, and in a hurry. There is no farming, or 'holing up' in prisons or a shopping mall in Z Nation. I also love the witticisms and snarky one-liners the characters come up with a lot of times. You can tell that their writers are having FUN with this show, and it shows! We love their sense of humor.
I'm so glad that Z Nation got 'the green light' for a Season 2. Give this show a try. 'Even-money' says you'll probably end up liking it.
Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption (2011)
Oh man...you have to see it to believe it.
This movie most definitely has entertainment value, but I don't believe it's the type of entertainment they had in mind when they made it. This movie is so atrociously bad, the acting, the script, everything, that you'll be laughing out loud, face palming yourself, and rolling your eyes continuously. I mean, the main villain in this film walked around the entire time with a look on his face like he was enraged, constipated 24/7, and had just drank half a jug of sour milk. That alone was hilarious to watch. The acting was unbelievably wooden, unbelievably unconvincing, and phoned in from 50 miles away. This is one of those rare movies that REALLY IS so bad it's good. Do yourself a favor and check it out.
Don't Go in the Woods (2010)
"Don't Go In The Field Of Making Horror Movies" would be a more appropriate movie title.
This is directed at whoever put together this terrible excuse for a horror movie: You do know the difference between a radio and a television, right? Right....? If I want to listen to music, I'll turn on the, you know....RADIO. If I still want to listen to more music, I'll catch me some iTunes. If I'm still in the mood for even more music, I'll take up guitar lessons and maybe do some strumming myself. A horror movie is NOT a setting to be listening to crappy, angsty emo music. The two do not mix. Ever. And even if you try to force it to work, at least make the movie scary. Radio, television, radio, television, one is for listening to music, one is for watching, one is for music, one is for watching. Repeat after me, one is for music, one is for watching. Now go home, write that down one thousand times, and, you're grounded, with no supper, for making God knows how many people waste 83 minutes of their life that they'll never get back. That is all. This is directed at any potential viewers: Don't waste your time with this one. Negative ten thousand stars if I could....
100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck (2012)
Nothing you haven't seen 500 times before
**Spoilers below**
'Found footage' films...isn't anyone getting sick and tired of seeing them yet? Yes. Yes, we are. Take note film makers. It's old. It's tired. It's been done to DEATH, if you'll pardon the pun.
I can sum up the entire movie thusly: Stupid, irritating crew shows up on site and is locked in. "What was that, did you hear that?" someone yells. Someone gets killed. Everybody runs amok screaming the "F" word. "What was that??" someone else yells. Someone else gets killed. Cameraman switches to infrared vision. Everybody runs amok screaming the "F" word. Someone else gets killed. Ghost rape. Everybody runs amok screaming the "F" word. They turn on each other. Someone else gets killed. "Oh my God...there's NO WAY OUT OF HERE!" someone screams, conveniently forgetting that they ASKED to be locked in. Someone else gets killed, and everybody runs amok yet again, screaming the "F" word. No one makes it out alive, and we never get to see but about a one second shot of the 'bad guy'. The end. SNORE!