Change Your Image
gene_freak
Reviews
Requiem for a Dream (2000)
R-Rated Afterschool Special
Hollywood's gratuitous attempt at an anti-drug message showcases an array of characters (you're bound to relate to one of them) in a this-is-your-brain, this-is-your-brain-on-drugs kind of way.
You watch it and think, hey if I was and so-and-so, my-brain-not-on-drugs was the way to go!
However, if you have any remote sense of logic, then you don't actually have to endure the film to figure that out.
There's a gritty, depersonalizing element to the film which adds style and extreme worst-case-scenario scares, but overall, it's got that afterschool special obviousness - drugs are bad!
When it's over, you expect the guy with the eggs and frying pan to lurch out and say, "Any questions?"
A Walk to Remember (2002)
Manipulative LifeTime Quality
Half generic teen movie, half manipulative wanna-be tear-jerker, this piece of crap and fluff tries to showcase whitebread Mandy Moore's average singing abilities.
As recommended by her image consultant, Moore plays a dull goody-two-shoes character so puritanically over the top that God Himself has to resist the persistent urge to just snatch her up to Heaven at any given time.
To further cement her ridiculously caricaturish nature, she dresses just like your grandmother.
When Shane West needs her help with his lines for the dumb play he's forced to star in, of course she'll help! She spends all her free time helping everybody! "Just don't fall in love with me..." AWWW!
Guess what happens?
(Insert token scene of him blowing her off in the hallway, because all his friends make fun of her)
Her supreme goodness predictably makes him a better person. Awww!
I did cry at the part where the holy prude stayed out late with good-for-nothing Landon (don't worry, she's saving herself for marriage, duh!) and her preacher dad actually says "Your behavior is sinful!" I was laughing THAT hard!
What a joke! At this point, I knew there were only 2 ways the movie could go - either she gets accepted and made-over, or she dies all young and pure.
I was expecting a Vatican conference and canonization ceremony at the end, but had to settle for the lame voice-over about their short time together, etc. Yawn.
But you can always buy Mandy Moore CDs and know just what an angel from the Lord sounds like!
A Killer Among Friends (1992)
Psych lesson from Lifetime
The moonfaced girl from 90210 stars as God-knows-why-she's-supposed to-be-so-popular Jenny Monroe.
In a mall scene, I laughed as every man's head turned to see her bad 80s hair and tree-trunk legs bulging out of yellow short-shorts.
Of course her best friend is a luckless plain-jane teen mom in overalls, who actually is much prettier than the unbelievably beloved Jenny.
Plain Jane was adopted, AND nobody loves her, so she wants to be a substitute daughter to Jenny's mom.
Stupid, right?
She obviously masterminded Jenny's murder.
BUT... she did it all... for love!
I don't know for sure, because I really couldn't stand this pathetic estrogen-fest masquerading for psychological drama. I was just watching it because I ran out of sleeping pills, and it sure did the trick!
Risky Business (1983)
Cardboard
Joel is supposedly the "good son" - straight-laced, dull but an average guy with implied moral values that erode throughout the film.
Initially, you get the impression that he needs to let loose a little, but of course things get out of hand.
The overly-trusting parents are cardboard morons, his wacky friends show more personality in one line than he can muster throughout the movie - no, dancing around in your BVDs does NOT constitute a personality- and Chewbacca De Mornay's hooker character is not quite ugly or crusty enough to be remotely believable.
Yeah, I realize Risky Business is trying to be over-the-top, but watching a really boring Tom Cruise character crumble into moral decay after a long sequence of idiotic events doesn't do much for me.
8MM (1999)
Wasted potential
Disturbing images; but empty of substance. Promising gritty realism, this film delivers visually, but fails colossally to achieve any plot points.
The audience is submerged into a dark detestable world, but this world ultimately becomes simply another angle on the traditional horror formula. But worse: IT NEVER TRIES TO DELVE INTO ITS VILLAINS. SPOILER- Why do these guys do those things? Cuz they're BAD. Literally no time is spent developing the bad guys; they're just scum. I'm not saying I wanted to care about them, but how about casting some light on these important (pseudo)characters? Even remotely?
I expected more.
"Silence of the Lambs," "Seven": these movies bring you into the minds of monsters. That's why they're important and unforgettable.
8mm had the potential to mimic true horror but wasted it by going the easy route of manipulative shock-value drama. What a disappointment.
Jerry Maguire (1996)
Crowe's descent
Man's mid-life crisis with a LifeTime made-for-TV agenda.
Men - don't you realize that football is just an angle to get you to watch this pitiful soap opera, complete with the peskiest most-corny-made-for TV kid ever, a divorced womens' support group (does this tell you ANYTHING?) A hockey player's kid gives him a dirty look, so he promptly abandons his successful life for sensitivity. Realizes he's been living...gasp!...a lie! Duh! You're an agent! Propaganda bothers you NOW? From here on, Jerry's life is like a bad makeover show.
Women - did you actually fall for this "romance?" Renee Zellweger on a plane trying to catch an eyeful of Tom Cruise while (I daresay BECAUSE) she has to get a barfbag for her "scene-stealing" cheeseball version of a son. Yeah, who wouldn't want a way out of THAT LIFE. She pathetically fawns over him, he inexplicably likes the kid, therefore her. By PROXIMITY. You should be offended.
Sadly, I actually like Cameron Crowe; he's a capable filmmaker who unfortunately decided to do what everyone else is doing - go mainstream with big names, clichés, and dumbed-down big-budget fluff.
Detention (2003)
Best dialogue ever
Normally I wouldn't feel qualified to review something I only saw a half hour of, but I'll make an exception for this one.
Let the dialogue speak for itself! Here's some of the bad guy's lines: "I smell...teacher!" "Sorry, teacher! You get an 'F!'"
Bad guy and bad girl ( right after killing 2 cops and stealing a van full of drugs, they're getting hot and heavy):
Him -"So how do you feel about shooting some innocent bystanders?"
Her- (purrs) "You sure know how to show a girl a good time..." One generic kid who ran for his life instead of helping someone, gets to sum up his life and personality in this line -"I AM a CHICKEN-TWIT! (this was the USA network version) My old man was right! No wonder he left us..." Boo-hoo.
(Not actually a spoiler ) Bad guy (on fire) screams "Aargh! Fire!"