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Rebel Moon - Part One: A Child of Fire (2023)
Looks pretty...nothing else going for it
This is a horrible movie, filled with so many Sci-Fi tropes it becomes laughable. Seriously, don't bother with it. It isn't worth your time.
Exiled warrior: check
Questionable space rogue: check
Grain farmer(?): check
Light-sword wielding fighter: check
British robot: check
Father of main character is bad guy: check
Space cantina with live music and strange aliens: check
Magical space princess: check
Bad guys that are over the top (complete with Nazi-like uniforms: check
The list goes on.
This is essentially Star Wars without the charm and fun. Horrible, horrible movie that looks pretty but has little else going for it.
How I Met Your Mother: Last Forever: Part Two (2014)
Disappointing beyond belief
It's taken me 8 years to finally look at this finale without so much anger that it would skew any review.
From the revelation that nothing in the first 207 episodes mattered in the least to the destruction of at least one character's story arc from episode 1, this series finale was a sad disappointment. The way they just threw away the Mother with only about 45s of screen time, should tell you how little the showrunners cared about the audience and how the show evolved.
Of course, I am still angry. Everyone who watched this show should be, This final episode, in fact, the final season, has provided no incentive to ever watch this series again.
I dumped my DVDs. Didn't even re-sell them. Just threw them away.
Eternals (2021)
So dull and desperately in need of better editing/scriptwriting
This movie was incredibly dull, filled with useless backstory that did not help us get invested in the characters at all.
The accents were all over the place, which was moderately disconcerting. The little humour in the movie fell flat and felt forced.
The character's powers were underwhelming, Leaving us with less Eternals, and more a b-list of superheroes.
The acting was okay, but slow and methodical. The movie felt more like some indi-emo flick than something from the MCU. There was no zip, no real substance we expect from a Marvel film.
This is probably the worst Marvel film ever, and I am counting Howard the Duck in that list.
Locke & Key (2020)
Middling YA series
Wasn't bad. Won't watch Season 2, if there's one. Interesting premise ruined by coincidence and bad decisions that are used to move the plot forward without any sort of logic. While the acting was fine, with some notable standouts, the overall tone of the show kept shifting between a gothic horror and a young adult (YA) soap opera.
But the tonal shifts can be forgiven. The constant deus-ex-machina that is used so heavy-handedly to advance the plot can not.
One standout, as an example? Ellie goes back...alone with her son Rufus...to get the crown. With the key that activates it. To the house where the demon is staying. Why does she take the key? Well, the writers' room must have been in a tizzy trying to figure out how to get the key and the crown into the hands of the bad guy/gal/demon. They must have thought and thought, until someone suggested that Ellie goes back to the house WITH THE KEY. Now, I assume a writer or two spoke up at that point and said "Wait, why would she take the key?" but was told not to worry about it. The target audience will hardly will pay close enough attention to question it.
We finished it only out of a pathetic desire to see if it started to make any logical sense. Unfortunately, the scene described above happens in the last episode.
Yeah. Nice try, big fail.
Game of Thrones: The Iron Throne (2019)
Game of Walking
Kinda spoilers...but not really...
This is a quick summary of the entire episode:
So, a person walks, pensively and slowly. Then another person walks pensively and slowly. Then another person does it too. Then there's pensive talking, one big scene with fire and melting, then some pensive walking. Then some talking - Bran's there...he can't pensively walk...slowly or otherwise, 'cause, you know - wheelchair and all. Then there's some talking. Then a decision based on some pensive talking, which overall comes out the blue and makes no sense whatsoever. Then some pensive getting ready, more pensive walking. Finally, it ends with pensive sitting down wearing a crown, pensive boat walking, and some more pensive walking...but there are horses too.
That must have been some mighty fine direction....
"Okay, *insert actor's name here*, walk more slowly and pensively. There! Perfect!"
If you cut out all the walking, the episode would have been 30 minutes long. You could fast forward through it until speaking scenes and absolutely not miss a thing.
Bird Box (2018)
Suspenseful and well acted
Forget the naysays who claim this is not complete, or that it leaves too many plot holes...that's the point. The issue is simply one of survival against the unknowable and the unseen. It's a taut, tense film that draws you in from the beginning and doesn't let go until the very end - at which point you can finally breath.
Sandra Bullock is fantastic as a seeming fatalist who has to fight, and do anything, to survive.
The poor babies who find little substance have no clue what that means. This is a character study, not a creature-feature.
Phoenix Wilder and the Great Elephant Adventure (2017)
Something different
This is not a blockbuster. It's not a massive epic with explosions and CGI. It's a wonderful story, independently made, about a boy's experience in Africa and the elephant he encounters. The cinematography is excellent and the lead, Sam Ashe Arnold, puts in a moving performance. The story itself could be tighter, as well as the editing, but in spite of that, the story is engaging. The children in the audience seemed to enjoy the film very much.
Note: At our screening, there was an interview for the first 10 minutes with a gentleman who runs an elephant reserve in South Africa. Anyone who left might have missed the actual film entirely, so read the first review accordingly.
This is a great movie to introduce the plight of elephants in the wild and the dangers of poaching.
Lost in Space (2018)
Good acting, great effects...bad writing
This reboot of an old TV show looked promising. Four episodes in, and I can honestly say it can, at times, be entertaining. For me, Mina Sundwall is the standout as Penny. Her performance, occasionally wise-cracking, is wonderful. In fact, all of the actors are doing well with the odd choices their characters have been given. Except, there's little to no chemistry - not the fault of the actors, but of the writers.
This is where the show, to me, starts to fall apart. The contrived plot devices and poorly written events.
Judy stuck in rapidly freezing water - which froze like nothing I've ever heard of. Water that froze from all sides at once, not top down like, you know, all water freezes. She simply gets stuck in the ice. Not crushed as she should have been.
Will falls down a hole. But the hole is nice and smooth and he slides down without injury...and just happens to meet the robot nearby..
The Swiss-army knife of robots that can do things, not because it makes sense that it can do these things from a technical perspective, but because the plot demands it. Looks scary, the robot will just morph into something vaguely human-shaped. From an alien civilization, no problem, it will start to understand English and human emotions lickety-split. Need to pull someone out of the ice - wow, it has magical heat beams that can quickly melt the ice. Need to keep warm - hey, the robot can also act like an infrared space heater.
Two instances of eye-rolling contrivances standout. First, in a scene that ended an episode Parker Posey's "Dr. Smith" just happens to be hovering around Will's room and witnesses him hide something under his bed. Wow, seconds later and she would have missed it. Great timing! This is what I consider to be lazy writing: an extremely weak plot device.
Another example, again with Parker Posey, this time in a flashback, has her fighting on the ship once she is discovered as a stowaway and the wrist of the guy with whom she is struggling just happens to hit a wall plate that opens the door to a timed airlock, into which she pushes him. Of course, there's no way to open the door from the inside, Really? What idiot designed this ship - a ship with magical airlock doors that just happen to be right where a character needs at the perfect time?
When I roll my eyes twice in a one episode, it makes me less apt to continue watching.
Black Panther (2018)
Meh
I was really hyped for this movie. The trailers looked amazing. Unfortunately, the action scenes in the trailer are, pretty much, the action scenes in the movie. For more than 2 hours, I sat through a live action Lion King without the humor or the cheery songs. The movie is certainly beautiful to look at - the graphics are stunning - except for the last fight scene that doesn't even look as good as many current video games.The actors are...fine. Their performance run the gamut from okay to good. That's it. Everyone seems to be angry or sad all the time. The humor in the movie comes from the leader of the outcast tribe and, of course, the great Andy Serkis, who seemed to be the only one enjoying his role.
Frankly, the critics astound me. This movie was derivative and far too self-conscious. Unbelievable as it may seem, of the few negative reviews from professional critics I have read, the best is from Armond White. Do yourself a favor and read it.
Ultimately, the measure of a good movie, for me at least, is how likely I would be to watch it again. Like Iron Man 2 and 3, I probably will never watch this movie again. Ever.
In short, bland and derivative.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)
This is one terrible movie
Omigod...just sat through almost 2 hours of the worst crap I have had the misfortune of viewing since, well, Battlefield Earth, I suppose.
I wasn't too concerned about the changes to the book, as reported on PlanetMagrathea.com. So I went into this with an open mind. Unfortunately, it was such terrible garbage, I almost feel violated.
If you know ANYTHING about movies, you can't possibly like this piece o' crap. From the lame jokes thrown about for no reason, to the stupid plot device of having Zaphod's other "head" removed for no other reason than to have his head removed. To making Saphod cruel and stupid, rather than cool and stupid, to the omnipresence of the Vogons (okay, they were cool, I will give you that, but c'mon...way to change EVERYTHING about the book).
Crap is crap, no matter what title it is given, or what great literary work it is derived from.