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Reviews
Evil Dead Rise (2023)
Not Evil Dead anything
This what you get when a franchise is handed to a film company that has never watched the Evil Dead films but knows of their existence. Complete crap mixed with every modern possession film mixed in with two scenes from The Shining. Seriously, by the end they stopped trying entirely and practically made John Carpenter's The Thing. I saw this for free and I want a refund on the life I expended watching this.
Now, since I won't waste your time here's 118 characters of lorem ipsum. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore e dolore magna.
The Oak Room (2020)
Boring and bad.
Alright, this isn't worth anyone's time. What should have been an easy premise turns into a long dull film of literal time wasting stories. You'd think it's be an anthology of thrillers based on the trailer. Nope not even close. Instead you get treated to stories within stories that you won't care about.
And you know what no one has ever said? "A stories is worth a thousand words." That's not a saying. But this film thinks it is. This mix and match crap needs to stop and so do the writers.
This is what happens when someone takes a short story and makes it into a film not realizing it's only 30 minutes worth of story. And it's not even worth 30 minutes of your time to figure that out.
Diabolical (2022)
Pointless
Watched this with a group of fans of the show snd a comics and no one walked away happy. Unless the 8th episode actually ties to the series this was completely pointless. An anthology of different "What If" fan fiction stories set in The Boys universe with different animation styles. Some entertaining things happen here and there which can make you think, "ok, maybe the next one will be good." Unfortunately you're more likely to ask, "what did I just watch and can I get a refund on my life I just wasted watching this dribble?" If you're going to watch it, do yourself a favor and only watch episodes 3 and 8. That's the most entertainment you're going to get out of this.
Come Play (2020)
Better version of Z
Unlike other imaginary friend type films, such as Z, this was actually a fun movie with a cool creature. Some missed opportunities here and there. Nothing that takes away from the experience too much. It doesn't drag on or waste your time. Just shut your brain off and have fun. There's not much else here but if you're just looking for a fun creature feature you could easily do worse.
Better Watch Out (2016)
Oversold the Home Alone
While I don't want to spoil the movie I will say that they completely oversold the Home Alone "inspiration." In fact, the movie would have benefited by being more like Home Alone rather than the amount of American Psycho it actually is. Plus the ending is not what you hope for. There is no real Final Girl moment and the film is filled with infuriating characters easily manipulated by a psychopath.
Road to Red (2018)
1 hour of nothing
Seriously, an hour before anything actually happens? What movie were these a-holes out to make? There was a full hour of skateboarding, weed smoking, too old to be doing this nonsense before anything remotely plot moving happens. Tell you what. You wanna watch a good surfing/skateboarding film and horror movie? Watch Dogtown and Z-Boys then immediately watch any decent horror movie that actually knows what the hell it's supposed to be. Or go watch the original Point Break if you're looking for philosophy, surfing and action.
The Nun (2018)
Same problem as Annabelle Creation
While I found this film slightly more entertaining than Annabelle Creation. The problem with the prequels is that the Conjuring films exist and establish rules which these prequels completely break. I discussed this in my Annabelle Creation review as well, but when you create a universe and rules for your villains and heroes to exist by then you should follow them. This is pretty basic to all story telling, but especially true for horror films. However, the biggest issue these prequels have is that the demons are disproportionately overpowered compared to their later selves when they face the Warrens. For example, The Nun wipes out an entire convent without a problem and lives on consecrated ground like it's Spring Break in Tijuana. It has no problem screwing with a Priest and Nun for kicks and giggles, but when it meets the Warrens it somehow meets its match. Then it's defeated by NOT an ordained person, but by Elizabeth Warren because she knew its name? -___- Really? Come on. Do you see what I mean? The Conjuring clearly establishes that the faithful and pure of heart hold more power and ability than these demons, but in these prequels they're juiced on spiritual steroids with the ability to defeat nearly anyone and the endings to these prequels have to end with the demons escaping so that we have the Conjuring connection. This is why prequels don't work for this series if the writers and studios aren't going to follow the rules why bother? And if they did follow the rules they'd have to be a lot more clever about how these demons persist to encounter the Warrens later on. Anyways, this was at least a little more entertaining than Annabelle Creation in my opinion, but not by much.
Annabelle: Creation (2017)
Breaks all the rules of the Conjuring universe
The problem with this film is that the Conjuring, Annebelle and the Conjuring 2 exist. Those films establish rules that are broken in every way during the course of this film. For example, a demon has to have permission to take a soul yet in this it takes one by force. Then there's the fact that in the Conjuring films, specifically, these demons (Annabelle and The Nun) meet their match in the form of the Warrens who by comparison easily best these demons, yet we're supposed to believe these same demons prior to meeting the Warrens were able to defeat nuns, priests and other faithful believers without pause or issue. I mean one literally lived in a convent for heaven's sake. This is where my mind won't stop thinking about the faulty plot and logic of the prequels. Because this means that in the prequels the demons from this and The Nun are disproportionately overpowered compared to their later selves, which kind of breaks the continuity of the Conjuring universe. However the upside is that the actors, particularly the children, in this film are very good. It's very hard to find good child actors and these ladies hold their own throughout. So while this isn't a terrible film it is the weakest and I tend to skip it upon reviewing the franchise.
Back to the Future Part III (1990)
Anticipation was worth the wait.
A lot people put down 3 and I sort of get it. 2 took us to the future, alt present and past in one go, but 3 was a complete change of pace and some viewers didn't like it. Understandable, but for a kid in 1990, who's waited a year to see the continuation and finale to his favorite films, the payoff was so worth the wait. I definitely see this franchise through rose colored glasses and I'm very willing to admit that but you'll never convince me that there is a better trilogy in existence than these three films.
Back to the Future Part II (1989)
Weakest of the trilogy
This is the weakest of the back to the future trilogy, but that doesn't mean it's bad. I'd give it a 7.5-8 depending on how I'm feeling at the time I watch it. I still remember seeing this in theaters and getting to that ending and being completely taken aback by "to be continued." As a kid my mind exploded with "what?!" and I couldn't wait for 3 to come out."
Back to the Future (1985)
The start to the greatest trilogy ever created
This is my favorite in this trilogy. Else in my top ten of all time and possibly one of the best examples of the quality of film making from the 80s. When I was a child Back to the future captivated my imagination and is one if the earliest examples of why I love film so much. This film has a crazy history too and if you wanna see an example of lightning in a bottle this is it.
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
I still cry every time
I've loved this movie since I was little and to this day it makes me cry every time I watch it. But if any movie has proven that an ending can be both sad and hopeful it's E.T. This is something Hollywood has completely forgotten. It's almost like they think the only thing that makes for a good story is if your heroes suffer and end on a bleak note. Look at the movies that critics praise and tell me I'm wrong. There's no room for happiness anymore and that's sad. Thankfully there are the great films of our past we can always go back to and remember that not everything has to be tragic.
Jaws (1975)
I love sharks
Jaws is often cited as the film that made viewers, even landlocked ones, fear going into the water. I can't lie that it even made me apprehensive, but it also made me fall in love with sharks. Ever since I first saw Jaws as a child I've been fascinated with sharks and I'm so grateful for this film's existence because of it. Aside from that, this film's difficulties with animatronics forced Steven Spielberg to completely rethink how to shoot this movie and upped his game so high that other directors wanted to be like him. It truly is a landmark film.
Little Women (1994)
Easily sits in my top 10
There have been a lot of adaptations of Little Women over this years, but this is by far my favorite. Its direction, cinematography, and acting are some of the finest examples of what Hollywood can produce. However, its true star is the score. The music is simply beautiful and garners praise for elevating an already captivating story to new heights. Trust me, you'll understand what I mean from the very beginning of the film.
Sonic the Hedgehog (2020)
Redesign was the right thing to do.
I actually got to see this in theaters. I was one of the many upset fans who gated the design of Sonic rom the original trailer for this film. I decided to see the film solely on the fact that the studio was willing to fix the design to please the fans. So I went in with quelled expectations, it being based on a video game and all. But I walked out with a smile. It was fun and a complete treat to see Jim Carrey in top form again. I didn't realize how much I missed that about him. I enjoyed the easter eggs for the fans and I'm looking forward to more. Hopefully Paramount won't go all Transformers on itself with this franchise.
Tales from the Loop (2020)
Read this and save yourself 7 hours of watching a bleak and depressing journey with no plot
I'm massive fan of Simon Stålenhag's work. No joke, it's some of the most fascinating sci-fi artwork I've seen in years. So you can imagine how excited I was for this show. Then I watched it. And every episode I was looking forward to a hopeful payoff that never came. This show was promoted to be an anti-Black Mirror. It's not. It was completely depressing and pointless (no plot) with characters that lack all semblance of logic. For example, a kid learns that his brother is a robot and he decides he needs to tell his mother who's probably the one person who would believe and understand what's happened. So he goes to see her at work only to learn she's in the city for the day. No big deal, right? He can just talk to her when she gets back. Nope, what does he do instead? He goes to get his robot brother and travel to the city to get mom. This wouldn't be so bad if they could move super fast or the city was close by, but that's not the case. No. The journey takes them TWO DAYS to get there. Let's do the math. Mom is gone for 1 day, so he goes to see her when it's going to take him 2 days to get there. While mom be in the city when he arrives? If he had made the full journey he still wouldn't have seen her. This is basic math and the kid is written into the story like a complete idiot. That or the writers can only do common core math. So instead of just going home and waiting there for his mother he causes more grief (due to plot devices that are never explained) for his family and the viewers by going through with this nonsense. This moment is in the last episode of the season and the entire season is filled with this kind of BS. The worst part is the entire season surrounds people getting completely screwed over. One family (mostly mom) in particular. With no real driving plot and absolutely the most depressing payoff I've seen in years. Save yourself roughly 7 hours of grief and heartbreak and just bypass this crap. Instead go watch Eureka. A show that actually has a plot and hope for the future.
Side note: I gave it 3 stars because the acting and cinematography are stellar. But the story made me hate life so that instantly made me want to give it a 1.
Clinton Road (2019)
So many fake reviews
Either the reviews are fake or these people have zero standards. First off the cover art is a freaking lie. It implies there's a creature. Nope, not even one. Then there's the terrible soundtrack and score. It sounds like a failed DJ put this together after listening to his nieces dubstep and rap mixes. And the pacing is so slow that it makes the 78 minutes runtime feel like 2 hours. Oh, and the club scene makes me I honestly believe they started out making a completely separate film. There's about 20 minutes of footage taken inside of a club with the worst music known to mankind where we're exposed to nonsensical subplots that hold no relevance whatsoever to the main story. Additionally the actual plot makes zero sense. Nothing is explained and nothing about the events in the woods are scary. The film's pace hobbles along like the main protagonist to the point that it actually enacts how we've felt watching this crapfest from the start when we see one character helping another limp up a dirt road in real-time. The director and producers should have burned the negative and collected the insurance on this one cause this was a dumpster fire from start to finish.
Chop Shop (2018)
The movie is self-aware of how bad it is.
Was this created as an example of how not to make an anthology film? Cause you nailed it. Absolutely one of the worst anthology films ever. A movie about watching a kid who's watching an Elvira ripoff who in turn is watching an anthology of BS. You'll be fast forwarding before the characters start to, but you're better off not watching at all.
Winterskin (2018)
The boring, the terrible and the misleading.
Hateful eight, this is not. Wow. Just hatefully terrible. Where to begin? The hero is a joke. This guy couldn't stop a squirrel let alone a human being. He spends half the movie making stupid decision after stupid decision all while whining like a baby. He couldn't even overpower an old woman. Being crazy doesn't give anyone supernatural strength so why couldn't he stop "old Agnes?" This movie is only 1:24 in length but it felt like 2:30. Then there's the triple-shot double barreled shotgun. O__o No joke. And a repeater that had to be reloaded after each shot which was absolutely baffling. Oh, plus there's the cover art on Amazon Prime. Showing a person holding an assault shotgun, with a sidearm strapped to their leg, while creatures not even close to resembling the skinned people in the film break in through the window. Absolutely egregious false advertising.
Range 15 (2016)
What did I just watch?
Watched this at a friend's recommendation, claiming "it's Team America with real people." It's not and I now question our friendship. I went in knowing this was not a serious movie, but holy crap this isn't funny on any level.
Ice Sharks (2016)
They didn't even...
It's so bad they didn't even finish a lot of the cgi. There are youtube shorts with better graphics than this film and those have no budget and are created on home computers. Good for laugh if you riff it with friends. Beyond that don't put yourself through this.
Call of the Wolf (2017)
Terrible
This is so bad it's laughable. By the end I was rooting for "Wolf" because the one person that was actually likable died.