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Reviews
Chona, la puerca asesina (1990)
A Comedy Gem from Puerto Rico
Sunshine Logrono and the cast/crew from his legendary late-80s Puerto Rican comedy TV show "Sunshine's Cafe" came up with this short black and white movie which was first shown one night on the TV show's time slot. It was a friggin' hoot. There's really no way to describe this. It's definitely not meant to be good cinema and its general crappiness adds to its aura of weird goofiness. Logrono, Yasmin Mejias (who later became a politician) and the rest of the Sunshine's Cafe cast make this tale of a murderous giant pig one of the standouts in Puerto Rican comedic history. I only wish I'd taped it when it aired all those years ago.
Santa Cristal (2001)
Great satire, aspiring Puerto Rican filmmakers should take note
Considering this is an indie film from Puerto Rico and made on almost no budget, Santa Cristal is the best Puerto Rican film I've seen so far...it will probably not be nominated for an Oscar (as was the dull-as-hell Lo Que Le Paso A Santiago, which earned a Best Foreign Film nomination in 1980-something) but it will go down as at least a cult classic due to its cleverly written and often hilariously heavy-handed satire of Puerto Rican society. Some people won't get the joke, and those will usually be the people the film takes aim at. Modesto Lacen turns out a credible performance as soap-opera actor turned prophet Tomas Cruseiro, and Sara Jarque does a great job of portraying the frustrated muckraking radio talk-show host Laura Setti. Be on the lookout for renowned PR comic actors like Adrian Garcia, Raquel Montero and the legendary Sunshine Logrono in small roles. Also of note is local actor William Piedra, who displays a good grasp of parody and comic timing as moronic disc jockey Sex Machine. Bear in mind the film is in Spanish and some familiarity with Puerto Rican society will help you grasp the movie better...hopefully a version with English subtitles is in the works.
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)
Jesus Christ, help me
My son loves sharks and shark-themed movies. We were at Blockbuster when he unfortunately laid eyes on this monstrosity and said he wanted to rent it. It looked like it sucked just from the packaging, and I was 100% right, although nothing could prepare me for the intensely painful ordeal I was about to experience upon watching this abomination. The acting is horrendous, the so-called special effects were funny, if anything (certainly not scary), and everything about the movie had a real odd feel to it: the actors with Russian names, the puzzling sex scenes, when the male lead uses as a pick-up line "Why don't I take you home and eat your p***y" (truly one of the most bizarre moments in non-porno movie history), the moronic plot that would've been rejected by a comic book publisher...just horrible. Not even funny in its badness, just plain bad. If you're going to make a shark movie and don't have enough money to do it right (with real actors, CGI, screenwriters, etc.), DON'T DO IT!