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The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power (2022)
Falls flat on its face
Rings of Power is a terrible show - Too boring for children, too inauthentic for Tolkien fans, too corny and poorly made for mainstream audiences. The pretty CGI cannot save it from its terrible acting, abysmal writing, uninspired direction, and poor editing. Instead of crafting a compelling series which would have appealed to Lord of the Rings fans of all ages and backgrounds, Amazon decided to make something else instead, which is full of eye-rolling dialogue, unlikable and irritating characters, and a yawn-inducing plot which unfolds at a glacial pace. Plot-twists can be seen coming from miles away, and character reveals are clumsily signposted. Rings of Power resembles The Lord of The Rings in only the most superficial possible ways. Even as a generic fantasy series, it misses all the beats which make such shows and movies fun and exciting. Avoid.
Everything's Gonna Be All White (2022)
How did it come to this?
That a major TV network spent money on this is an utter disgrace. Everyone involved needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask themselves what on Earth possessed them to participate in one of the worst conceived pieces of "entertainment" ever made. I think most people are getting very sick and tired of race-grifting and the constant stoking division by ridiculous people with nothing better to do, I certainly am. Trash like this isn't making the world a better place, it's making it insufferable.
Star Trek: Discovery: The Vulcan Hello (2017)
Talentless Hacks making Unwatchable Garbage
There is a cabal of producers who seem to be in some kind of symbiotic relationship with the Hollywood press, churning out objectively bad content over and over again to unwavering fawning praise and positive coverage. When it comes to the bizarre all-too-cozy monopoly of repurposing and destroying beloved IPs, the name Alex Kurtzman is at the top of the list.
So here we are with Star Trek: Discovery. It's unwatchable sludge from beginning to end. Terrible characters, awful dialog, ludicrous nonsensical plot, everything we have come to expect from the people involved. Star Trek Discovery is a show with no heart and no soul.
It is clear from the get-go that nobody knows what they are doing or the kind of show they want to make. They are reacting on the fly to the fact that nobody likes their show and that they are doing irreparable harm to a brand worth billions of dollars. But it's too late.
Between Discovery and Picard, they've made it clear that Star Trek is no longer being made for the fans of the series. Who their target demographic is exactly is anyone's guess.
Star Trek: Discovery (2017)
Unwatchable Grey Sludge
The usual talentless hacks are back with their repurposing of the Star Trek IP, bringing you another big pile of unwatchable grey sludge.
A diverse roster of questionably cast actors, unlikable characters, hammy and often nonsensical dialog, over-the-top special effects, a dumb as dishwater plot and a lack of any kind of heart or soul add Star Trek: Discovery to the endless list of garbage with the name Alex Kurtzman attached to it.
Of course, all those involved in the production of this show are very cozy with the Hollywood media, which is why all their movies and shows consistently receive favorable coverage despite being objectively bad. This symbiotic relationship ensures that the same players have an effective monopoly on many of the most lucrative and beloved IPs, churning out the same turgid trash over and over again.
Fans of Star Trek need to understand that the Star Trek brand is gone, and that it is now in the hands of people who have no affection for it and no understanding of why it used to be so beloved. Fortunately, there is Seth MacFarlane's The Orville, which is the true spiritual successor to the Star Trek we love, filled with great characters and heart.
Avoid Star Trek at all costs, watch The Orville.
Star Trek: Picard (2020)
Unwatchable Garbage: A Betrayal
Picard is a turgid, clumsy, contrived and malicious subversion of a beloved character, made by the usual roster of talentless hacks who seem to have their fingers in every pie in Hollywood these days. It is stacked with unlikeable characters, terrible acting, over-the-top special effects, graphic violence, and questionable dialog. In short, it's unwatchable grey sludge that should be condemned and protested against.
Not only have Hollywood media conspired to promote this abomination with favorable coverage, but they and the networks have also worked tirelessly to make sure as few people as possible get to see the fantastic The Orville show, branding it as just a silly Star Trek parody and making sure it doesn't get the audience it deserves.
The Orville is NOT a parody, it is the true successor to the Star Trek we love; an optimistic Star Trek with great likeable characters, fantastic music, genuine humor and heart. Something that the soulless Picard has none of. Support The Orville and give Star Trek: Picard a wide berth.
The Orville: Old Wounds (2017)
The Antidote to Discovery and Picard
I'm late to the party, watching this for the first time in 2020 and I had tears rolling down my cheeks by the end of the first episode. This is so much better than the grey unwatchable sludge of Discovery and Picard. It looks like real Star Trek, is definitely sounds like real Star Trek with a fantastic evocative score, and the episodic format is like real Star Trek. The humor is great... It's Seth MacFarlane after all. But this is absolutely NOT a parody of Star Trek... it's Star Trek with likeable, funny characters acting in relatable ways. It's so well written, so well made.
It's a genuine crime that so few people have been able to see it, and that critics and networks have unfairly ganged up against it in favor of promoting the abysmal Discovery and Picard. Much love to Seth MacFarlane. Thank you so much for making this. It's one of my favorite shows of all time.
Doctor Sleep (2019)
An unexpected sequel
I never thought I would ever see a sequel to one of my favorite movies of all time, The Shining, but here it is and it's fantastic. The Director's cut clocks in at over 3 hours and is a beautiful slow burn horror epic that fans of both Stephen King and Stanley Kubrick will applaud.
Be warned... There are some pretty harrowing scenes in this movie, so it might be everyone's cup of tea.
That said, the acting is fantastic, especially from Ewan McGregor, and the production and attention to detail is top notch. It's not perfect, there are a few scenes that are less impactful than others, and perhaps some editing issues here and there. The ending is not quite as satisfying as I would have liked it to be.
It isn't a Stanley Kubrick movie by any stretch, but it does succeed in evoking the essence of The Shining without pandering too much. The fan service is all here, but it doesn't detract from the wholly new elements that have been introduced. Highly recommended!
Overlord (2018)
Not scary, not exciting, just dumb.
A horror movie set in Nazi occupied France... the premise had me excited about the possibilities.
Unfortunately, the movie suffers from nonsensical casting and a lack of realism or authenticity of any kind. You get absolutely no sense of who these characters are, their backgrounds or their personalities. As far as the WWII aspects of the movie are concerned, it's as far from Band of Brothers as you could possibly get.
The horror aspects are really no better. There seem to be no rules or world-building here to create any kind of tension or stakes. There's some limited gore and body horror, but nothing that will shock or scare its audience. The action soon becomes farcical and almost slapstick.
All in all, I couldn't help wondering how great a movie with a premise like this could have been with a better director, better cast, better plot and more realistic characters. As it is, it's just a very dumb and poorly made action movie for a teen audience. The protagonists actions make no sense and the antagonists are nothing more than cartoon characters. It's incredibly lame.
The Girl with All the Gifts (2016)
I don't want to be a hungry
If you are familiar with the seminal Playstation game "The Last of Us", then you will find many similarities between it and this little gem of a film. Both have a very similar premise and share many of the same ideas. That said, there are also very significant differences in story and perspective.
Made on a shoestring budget, yet able to command the performances of famous faces such as Glenn Close, this is is a film that is as thought provoking as it is entertaining.
The big spoiler is this... what if the zombie outbreak were the next step in our evolution and a war that humanity should lose? That's the question that this film poses so brilliantly.
With excellent performances throughout, this is a must-see for fans of science fiction and dystopian dramas such as Children of Men. A typical popcorn horror movie it most definitely isn't.
47 Meters Down (2017)
Jump Scares
This movie should be terrible... there are so many things wrong with it. The CGI sharks, the kind of expensive scuba equipment being used which doesn't gel with the rusty old boat and cage, the lighting which aims to make things darker than they would be, Matthew Modine caught laughing in a tense scene...
But if you can suspend your disbelief, the two female leads do a great job. There are jump scares aplenty and there is real tension.
The ending will leave you scratching your head about who, if anyone, survived... and I appreciate that.
It could have been a lot better, though. There's too much deus ex machina going on here. Obviously, we need the protagonists to have some state of the art scuba gear with radio mikes so that they can talk to each other and communicate with the boat... otherwise it's going to be a silent movie. But this kind of equipment is unheard of with your average rusty-boat dive operator. The 40 meter range on the radio is rather arbitrary. They should have gotten some real footage of great whites instead of all CGI. It would have been good to see a bit of the drama on board the boat as they decide what to do about things.
All in all, it's just a fun jump scare movie.
Dunkirk (2017)
Edge of your seat cinema
Dunkirk is the kind of movie that comes along quite rarely these days. The thinking man's action movie. There's no pandering here. You either find your own emotional connection to the events on screen, or you don't.
The protagonists in Dunkirk are mostly anonymous, dialog is sparse. But for me that's what makes it so remarkable and satisfying. I don't like my exposition spoon fed to me. A look, a gesture, a grunt can impart all that is really needed if it's done right.
That isn't to say there aren't some extraordinary performances here. Tom Hardy, as always, really shines as the totally badass Spitfire pilot who pulls out all the stops to help save the day.
I've watched Dunkirk a number of times now, and each viewing has been as thrilling as the first. Plenty of emotion as far as I'm concerned.
War for the Planet of the Apes (2017)
Far better than I expected
So I thought I'd check War For The Planet of the Apes out. Frankly, it's been a long time since I've seen a movie as good as this. I was pretty stunned at how different this was to my expectations. It's definitely not your average popcorn formula Hollywood blockbuster. This is on a whole other level. It doesn't pander to the lowest common denominator. This is high art, and it surprises me not in the least that a lot of people have negative opinions about it.
Quite simply, I have never seen anything like it before. The visuals are beyond anything ever put on screen. Incredible. How did they do this?
But what surprised me most was the story and direction. This has far more in common with the epic films of the golden age of cinema than modern movies. Lawrence of Arabia, The Bridge on the River Kwai, and Apocalypse Now are all evoked in this absolute masterpiece of film making.
It's an amazing movie. A must see if you enjoy a thought provoking, fascinating story that is a far cry from the cookie cutter blockbusters of recent times.
But if you're looking for dumb explosions and gung ho dialog then you'll hate this.
The Road (2009)
I want to like it but I don't
There's something about this movie that I dislike. Maybe it's the science. The science is wrong. If humans can survive this long, then there are lots of other animals that could survive longer... predators and scavengers with lots of dead people to eat. But it just doesn't ring true. Any of it. There are basically two types of people in "The Road"... cannibals and cannibal food.
I simply don't buy it. Also, the protagonists are constantly heading South... but it all looks the same. A desolate forest wasteland... where are the cities? Or towns or villages? It's just dead trees.
And when they meet Robert Duval's character it just seems totally improbable that such a person could still be alive. That anyone could be alive.
I just find this movie annoying. I know what it is trying to say... but it doesn't really say it. Maybe the performances are good... but it's difficult to say. Everything seems wrong. This is not how I would imagine things to be after an apocalypse. I would expect something better than this or worse than this... but not this.
I think the video game "The Last of Us" is a much better example of the genre than "The Road". There's a lot more science... there's a lot more motivation... and a lot more understanding of the human condition.
This is a mediocre stab at it. I give it 4 out of 10 for the special effects and some interesting scenes. But don't expect to learn anything or be particularly entertained.
Donnie Darko (2001)
Love will tear us apart
It came as no surprise to hear that Richard Kelly's biggest influence as a film maker is Terry Gilliam's Brazil. This movie, made on such a modest budget, has an amazing cast, truly fantastic script, and one of the best soundtracks of all time.
The dream-like quality of the story as it unfolds, the concepts of spirituality, morality, and destiny make this a though-provoking and uplifting experience. At its center is the relationship between Donnie and his family, his teachers and the pretty but troubled new girl Gretchen. But it isn't really about that at all. Multiple viewings will eventually help you see beyond the drama and understand what, when and where. That's when your mind gets well and truly blown.
2 Broke Girls (2011)
Absolutely Awful
Watching 2 Broke Girls or having your brain eaten by zombies... as I sit here forced to watch it, I am wondering which would be worse. There is no dialog as such, just a series of lame punchlines that come every 5 to 10 seconds. All that's missing is a cheesy drumroll, but that would tirn the entire program into a drum solo. The delivery and acting is so bad that your average elementary school nativity play has more talent on offer. The canned laughter punctuates the mindless rhythm of the inane witterings as it drones on and on and on and on and on... It's simply the worst thing I have ever witnessed ever at any time in any country in my life. That anyone could like this in any way is mind boggling.
Prometheus (2012)
In space no one can hear you groan
Having watched Prometheus several times now, hoping that it would get better with repeated viewing, I can say that were it not for the excellent Michael Fassbender, this movie would have no redeeming features of any kind.
It's ironic that the only character in the entire movie that isn't completely one dimensional happens to be an android. Noomi Rapace who plays the only other reasonably fleshed-out character, Doctor Elizabeth Shaw, manages to make her character so whiny and unlikeable that I think the movie would have benefited by her being killed off along with everyone else.
Every single other character is simply a non-entity, with nothing of interest to say (or worse). The script really is awful. The concept, that scientists journey to an alien planet to find the answers to the ultimate questions of mankind's existence (and it all going wrong), is an interesting one. But the finished product is more like a parody of that concept than a serious attempt to realize it. What would happen if a bunch of hopeless morons went to meet their makers, and their makers turned out to be genocidal maniacs who kill on sight? That's Prometheus in a nutshell. It might be fine if it were supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek comedy. But it's not. Not intentionally anyway.
In addition to that, basically, what we have here is a clumsy attempt by Ridley Scott to shoehorn a backstory into the appearance of the "spacejockey" creature which was shown in the first "Alien" film and possibly an explanation of the genesis of the xenomorph creature itself. And it simply doesn't work. This is to "Alien" what "The Phantom Menace" was to "Star Wars"... it completely undermines the mythology and contradicts itself.
The admittedly beautiful visuals are not enough to save this movie from the contrived plot, awful acting, disposable characters, and just plain silliness. In fact, it's only Michael Fassbender who single-handedly saves Prometheus from being completely unwatchable garbage. His character, David, is so apart from the other characters in the movie and the only one you have any sympathy for. Was this some genius masterstroke by Ridley Scott? Some kind of sub-text? Considering the clumsiness of everything else in the movie, I seriously doubt that this was the original intention. I think that it is simply Fassbender himself managing to pull something meaningful out of this awful mess of a movie. Any kind of perceived depth in the plot is just wishful thinking on the part of the viewer. After a few viewings, you'll notice the continuity errors that prove it once and for all. The people making this movie either had no idea what they were doing or didn't care.
This is a movie that does not know what it is trying to be, and it ends up being nothing except something to ridicule. The big questions it leaves you with are not "where did we come from?" but "how much did people get paid to make this?" and "why didn't people notice how bad the script was?"