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SammySpazmo
Reviews
Shortbus (2006)
Rubbish
This was a load of rubbish. I had to watch it for work because I was asked to interview one of the people in it. I decided not to! I've seen more cerebral Carry On films. I don't call some bloke sucking his own willy and some frigid Chinese woman wanking for an hour and a half "art". I call it a tedious mess of clichéd "arthouse" crap. If this was supposed to be genuinely "artistic" and not a load of old crap they would have cast fat ugly people instead of these gym going goons. They were all crap and can't act. Justin Bond was the worst but at least he never got his dick out. Thank Christ. What was the point of this? Can anyone tell me? And like what was up with that stalker? I mean what sort of weirdo shags their own stalker? I guess it was OK though seeing as he was "cute." What a tedious load of superficial crap.
Cry Wolf (2005)
Avoid this movie! It sucks!
I got this movie out because it looked like it was a teen horror/slasher film and I'm a devotee of the genre (I even sat through that awful film where Paris Hilton dies in the first 8 minutes). I've seen some bad films but this one SUCKED! First, you see the murders right at the start of the film, like about 15 minutes in so when you see the same things happen towards the end of the film it lacks any tension - it's just amazingly devoid of any suspense. The actual toing and froing about who is lying to who and how and why is so convoluted the only option was to glaze over and stare into space. By the time it got to the end I couldn't take anymore. It was way too long and took itself way too seriously (with way too little entertainment in it)
A Home at the End of the World (2004)
A huge mess
The first half of the film is OK - the "flashback" bits work fine and it's generally not bad. But when the plot starts moving the holes start showing. I guess a lot was cut out of the film or great big chunks of script got ditched while shooting.
We're told a couple of times that Clare is/was in love with Jonothan but we're never really shown it - so that whole aspect of the "love triangle" is missing. Then suddenly towards the end she takes off - with no explanation given. We guess she's away for the weekend then two scenes later Bobby remarks she'll be back "someday." WTF?!?! And then - last but by no mean least - Jonothan starts sprouting sores all over his face! Seriously, the final scenes are supposed to be on the same afternoon but I'd say he's got got sores over his face at the end of the scene than the start.
It looks like they ran out of money or something as we need a lot more script here for this film to make sense/have any emotional impact. As it is it's quite worthy, mildly diverting but that's about it.
Oh - and Colin Farrelll carries on like some sort of savant. Beware!
Enduring Love (2004)
Wot ho! A middle class couple get in a right old pickle
I got this film free and didn't know what it was about - I guessed from the box cover it was some sort of romantic comedy (what other sort of film has hot air balloons?). How wrong I was! Daniel Craig gives a really excellent performance as the stalked university lecturer and Rhys Ifans manages to keep his trademark pantomime acting style under control enough to be convincingly creepy. Poor old Samantha Morton is left without much to do - and her character comes across as quite callous. Why the Daniel Craig character would want to marry her after she's so unsympathetic about his mental problems caused by the hot air balloon mayhem at the start of the film is a mystery. I found certain aspects of this film irritating - ie the endless dinner parties, the middle class media circles the characters inhabit (from this film you'd guess every person in the UK gets their picture in The Guardian) and the Samantha Morton character - but over all I was pleasantly surprised! It works well both as a creepy-stalker thriller and an examination of how easy it is to end up hating your loved ones.
I'll Sleep When I'm Dead (2003)
Dreadful - even by British gangster films usual poor standards
Where to begin with how crap this film is? For starters it's needlessly over long. There are loads of scenes of people walking up and down streets, sitting around, staring at the scenery - none of which adds anything to the film or furthers the plot. Secondly, this is set in London but could have been filmed in Hull - there are no landmarks and all the locations look crap.
Onto the actual plot - its ridiculous. There's loads of vague backstory about how everyone knows each other, which isn't explained and - worst of all - there's no proper ending. The director/writer presumably thought they'd created enough tension for them to successfully end on a cliffhanger - how wrong they were. After 2 hours of Clive Owen fannying about dressed as a tramp the viewer has long since lost interest.
If you're thinking about watching this film please don't bother. IT really is a total waste of time. Oh! And Clive Owen only wears his James Bond-esquire clobber for about 2 and a half minutes. Crap!
Mambo Italiano (2003)
Entertaining bit of fluff
This film isn't a must-see movie, some of the performances are a bit weak (ie Nino - a shame seeing as he's one of the main characters in the film) and there are only a few good jokes in it, but it's pacey, doesn't take itself too seriously and is quite enjoyable nevertheless. I appreciated that it was brave enough not to go for the obvious 'happy ending' and dealt with gay relationships in quite a mature way. It was great to see that for once a film showed that 'coming out' isn't all its cracked up to be without being melodramatic and artsy about it. It was particularly good that the script didn't get too preachy and go down the usual route of this type of gay film by making the central character some unbelievable kind of paragon of moral virtue.
Tarnation (2003)
Mentally handicapped gay drama queen plays his home videos
What a load of pretentious rubbish! Sure, who wouldn't feel sorry for his Mum? After all getting electric shock therapy for 2 years just because she fell off the roof was a bit on the harsh side. And spending some years in care probably didn't help the writer/star/director either but sheesh - does he have to make such a song and dance about it? His crappy looking student films gave the game away - just because he took loads of footage of his life he mistakenly thinks it will be of some interest to someone. But it just comes over as self indulgent rubbish. Do we really need to see him sitting on the toilet crying into the camera? No we don't.
In summary then - don't bother unless you're a masochist or like watching people humiliate stroke victims.
Nine Lives (2002)
Save you cash! Rent something else!
I've seen LOADS of slasher films in my time. I've also seen loads of low budget British films. This is the worst example of either that I've ever seen! First off, there was a HUGE picture of Paris Hilton on the cover. It said it was a horror film on the back of the box. "Wow! This could perhaps be a kitsch laugh" I thought as I went to the video store counter. How wrong I was.
Paris is only in the film for 10 minutes - she's the first to die. Which leaves it to 8 really really terrible British actors to end up getting chopped up. To give you an idea how bad this is I have never seen any of these actors before or since - they haven't even been on the likes of The Bill of Hollyoaks. Oh! And they're all very posh! They're probably pals of the writer/director! The plot is so tedious that I had to fast forward through the majority if this film - even though it was only 80 minutes - because it was so flaming tedious! Steer clear viewers! It's not worth it!