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richcr4
Reviews
Zombie Town (2023)
Weak in all aspects.
A horror comedy with no horror and no comedy. Not one scare. Not one joke that lands. Poor writing, poor acting. Just rubbish throughout.
Chevy getting a main credit is a joke and Dan phones this one in. Its basically like a much worse The World's End but inferior in every possible way.
And The World's End wasn't even good!
There are a lot of bad zombie movies but this is one of the worst. They should have called it something else because the zombie factor is barely a thing here.
It's not the worst film ever but it is definitely a bad way to spend ninety minutes. Also, it's odd that they did so much self congratulatory back patting in the credits. This film is an embarrassment to all involved.
Skinamarink (2022)
The worst film ever made.
WOW!
I've always considered Alien Vs Predator: Requiem to be the worst film ever made. I've seen all of the other Alien films multiple times (even Covenant which is also terrible) but AvP:R was so bad that I've never watched it again. Not even when it was on TV and I happened to turn the channel over just as it started.
Well, by some margin, Skinamarink is now the worst film ever made.
After 10-15 minutes you'll be wondering if things will get better as, up to that point, all that has happened is that the camera has been pointed at the ceiling or in various empty corners of uninteresting rooms.
There's no sense of plot. The characters are meaningless. You're aware that there's a mother and father and maybe a couple of kids. None of them have anything to say or do.
Instead you just see static cameras cut from one to another, never showing anything of interest. Why? Because nothing ever happens of interest. Barely anything ever happens at all. It's like the director saw Blair Witch and wondered how he could make something infinitely worse.
The basic blurb of the film describes it as two children waking up in a house with no windows or doors and their parents have disappeared. But even that represents far more content than the film ever offers up.
For a film to even really qualify as a film, something needs to happen. And if it does happen (which is arguably not the case here) then the film has really three jobs. It needs to show you it. You need to be able to hear it (at least if you can't see it). And the film then needs to reference or acknowledge it.
But instead when anything does happen, the film just cuts to something else. Not that anything did happen as really you were probably either looking at a ceiling or at the corner of a TV playing an old cartoon. Those two things take up probably half this film's astonishingly empty hundred minute runtime.
Honestly, this is pure awfulness. But like in the worst way. It's time wasting awfulness. It's not even clever or accomplished enough to be pretentious. After 30 minutes of it, you just know that nothing is going to happen or be resolved.
And if it wasn't for me turning on actual subtitles (the film has some hard subs in there), I wouldn't have a clue as to what most of the noises or voices were in this film.
It's a film that has no point, no characters, no content, no meaning worth exploring, no sense of time (apart from when the film tells you the story is over 500 days in but that's as throwaway as saying that outside this sealed house they're in Kansas or Croydon or wherever).
The ending, which is basically nothing, isn't even all that annoying because there's nothing to actually sum up. It can't be a cliffhanger if there's no cliff or hanging or even a world where nouns like 'cliff' or verbs like 'hang' even really need to exist. In this film there's just Lego, old cartoons and ceilings. Just ceilings all the way down. Rubbish ceilings.
Halloween Ends (2022)
Genuinely awful
Halloween Kills was a truly stupid film with very little going for it but somehow Halloween Ends is worse.
Firstly, even if you're inexplicably a fan of this series, this film basically has very little Michael Myers action in it.
Instead the film is about some loser kid (trope!) with an overbearing, protective mum (trope!) who gets bullied by four kids in a convertible (trope!).
That's 95% of the movie.
The last 5% is Jamie Lee Curtis and Michael having a fight.
Michael goes from basically disabled to super strong. Laurie switches from fake Sarah Connor (2018 film) and 'woman in bed' (Halloween Kills) to basically being a cheerful narrator in this.
The only other notable character is her granddaughter who is utterly dislikeable throughout.
This film is almost as bad as Alien vs. Predator: Requiem.
The Gringo Papi (2022)
Genuinely impartial review.
Right. I've always felt that it'd only be fair to give this thing a fair crack. The first special was terrible but it's been a few years since and there's not been much out there on the internet so right now, going in blind, I'm wondering if I might actually be surprised.
I knew it'd start with terrible hip-hop and that the crowd would be fat white people making stupid hand signals like they're waiting for the mic in a Wu Tang video. As Luke would say 'I can't believe they're white.'
Bit 1. Knowing that he's going to have five different crowds, it's going to be pretty evident given that the first crowd shot features a huge female walrus up front. Talks about his usual crowd. Talks about vaccinations. Talks about Texas being anti-vax. The 'Mr. Whole Foods' line was low hanging fruit but I'll give him half a point for it. Oh.... he turns that into a fat people/vax/donut bit. Not great. Turns into a thing about some meth head guy being the face of J&J vaccinations. My face has never been this still.
Four minutes in. One minor joke, a load of padding. Audio is weird, like it keeps doubling up. Listen to it on headphones, something isn't right. I'm assuming Chin produced this. It's poor. A bit more 'great being in Texas' shit.
Bit 2. Texas vs. LA. More vax stuff. Okay, he's starting on the family. "Those fucking demons" isn't super funny but it was unexpected. I'll give him a fraction of a point for that too. Oh this has turned into g*y material for a bit. Fake laughing at his own joke.
"One thing I'm brateful for" - huh?
Bit 3. Small businesses/wife/kid at school. Hmmm. Roasting his missus. The same one he's cheating on. Okay. She must have very thick (thiccc) skin. He tells a story about sending her a photo of kids. It's so clearly made up but some guy in the crowd is like 'ohhh shit!' so I think he bought it fully.
Bit 4. I married a Mexican. He's been working on his Xs. Outs her for being illegal (I'm assuming this is bollocks). Everytime he puts on a voice he sounds camp. Even when talking as a heterosexual friend recommending BBLs. Calls his missus an 'asshole.' He mentions a load of foods and sticks his tongue out each time. I think it's psychosomatic maybe? Talks about bland food. I don't think he's told a joke now for a while. I'm not sure what people are laughing at. I'll give him a fraction of a point for the not wanting to shit his pants line. It's not funny but you could say it's sort of a joke, if you're being charitable. And I'm not here trying to be 'spicy' about it.
Bit 5. Being fat. Someone pops for the "thiccc with three Cs" line. I don't hate that guy but I do pity the fool. Bill Burr does the whole food routine a lot better. He did a routine about Philadelphia that was good. Mentioned piss a lot though. He's going on about keto now. Remember when that was a thing. The "she doesn't though" line is the best line of this thing so far. I nearly smiled. I've got a foreign mum though so that was relatable. Throws in some stuff about Theo Von and drug addiction. Seems unnecessary. Bit ends with a shitty joke about tacquito and Keto sounding the same. I doubt his mother in law calls him 'Cabron' but she might definitely think it.
Bit 6. Flaming hot Cheetos. "catnip for Mexicans" might be a joke. Can't score that though.
Bit 7. Not speaking Spanish. "I thought puto meant dude" again this might be a joke of sorts but it's not funny. I'm not sure why the guy in the crowd is laughing loudly at that one. I'm wondering if he's also hidden behind plants serving drinks. Made up story about saying 'puto' at his kid's school. Not funny.
Bit 8. Mexican culture/celebrations. He seems to think he's actually in Mexico now. "The thing I love about YOUR culture." Okay. He's having CTE related flashbacks. Some shit about 15th birthdays. A party at his house with Mariachi bands, pinatas and Cheetos everywhere. The Havard line might be a joke but the next line sort of kills it. There's a pity 'haha' or two from the crowd. Momentum is dying here.
Bit 9. Mexican loyalty. Peter and Debbie? Oh his parents. Okay. Not funny. "My family, I mean all 15 of them." This isn't funny and is kind of racist to be honest. Some made up shit about them not fitting in a car. Really shit material this. Oh, he acknowledges that the bit is a bit much.
Bit 10. Couples therapy. "Away game for your boy" - it's sort of a joke that one. He overplays it for a few lines though.
Bit 11. Ring app. I've lost interest in this bit immediately. The set backdrop looks like it was made by kids for a school play or something. It's pretty shit. He's going on about mountain lions. I feel like this is directly stolen from Rogan. He's talking about guns. This feels false and really forced. Again Burr did the gun store bit a lot better. The night vision bit is total shit. Shit joke about Uggs. Why is he playing this whole special so camp? He's really being quite cunty about his wife on this. He keeps making a visual gag about the night vision. I don't know why. "Joe Rogan's trash" what a shit line. This whole bit is complete shit.
Oh. That's it. The music is embarrassing.
Well, if I had to score You'd Be Surprised, I always thought that 1.7 was a bit generous and would give it a 1 myself. This was better but that might just be because it was shorter. YBS didn't have any punchlines and this had one or two and a couple of, what I can most generously call, turns of phrase that sort of resembled comedy. So I'd say that 1.5 might be as high as I can go. But honestly that's me really trying my best not be Bill Hader.