Reviews

This is wholly a spoiler, because as far as this kind of movie goes, the acting and dialogue was fine. I give the 2 stars for that. And what has been said about the sets, effects and fights has already been said. So here is my gripe, and the spoiler:

The tag line is: "Marek and her company must go on a journey and prevent Szorlok from obtaining all the shards of the Darkspore, or all will be lost."

So what happened? The 'heroes' give the Darkspore to Szorlock, and therefore, surely, all is lost?

But no - they head off on another adventure.

Wait - you haven't finished this one yet! Come back! The evil wizard has the most powerful artefact in the world and doom will befall all, and you've already forgotten what an utter balls-up you've made of everything...

Actually, on second thoughts - don't come back.

Hmm, this was a tricky one. For the first 80% of the movie, I thought it was rather good. It looked pretty, the suspense was good, and the action fun and bloody - what you want form this sort of film.

As long as you could ignore: The mythology. The representation of gods, demi-gods and titans. The story. Most of the acting. You would be well satisfied with this. However the last 15 minutes or so were a complete nonsense. First, all the crap about prophecy that had been running most of the suspense up to then were just ignored. Theseus rejects Hyperion - so we are meant to believe he would have embraced him if it had not been for his burial of his mother? Er, okay... The bow, key to everything, lost and then Theseus' mate gets it, and Zeus destroys it - well that's done then. Literally, a Deus in Machina... So they are all fighting in the wall, and rather than have to fight all the way through the unbelievably strong defences of the city, Hyperion just slips up an unguarded stairway and is suddenly in the deepest sanctum? Pathetic! And then it is suddenly all over and everyone just goes home. Are Apollo, Athena and Poseidon dead? Who knows? And so like the film, this review ends abruptly, with, if you care, a lot of unanswered questions... but it is much more likely you won't. Move on, there is nothing to see here...

I like Jason Monoa, and I feel for him, swamped by a piece of utterly tripe storytelling. The dialogue was passable, fairly good action without it being epic in any way at all. There are some nice looking props and scenes, and a few of the cast display some reasonable acting talent, when they are given the chance to. But clichéd as hell. Okay, I know this is Conan, the template for all other sword and sorcery, and thus the inventor of the cliché, but this was done in such a ham-fisted and myopic way. The plot was ridiculously contrived and each scene just jumped to the next - "Conan go here." "Okay." "Oh look, we're there." He's trailing the girl and what does he find? One of witch-girl's finger spikes. Like she'd accidentally leave one behind! And a convenient horse just waiting there for him! Actually, the more I think, the more stupid so many things become. Like, when some sort of Kraken is about to eat them, but the guards rush in to fight him anyway, and more are killed by the Kraken in their castle than Conan kills... All of which strips the plotting of any meaning, the film of any atmosphere, and the experience of any worth. As for the true nature of what the film *should* be, the director has as much feel for the exotic nature or the romantic savagery it is intended to portray as a 7-year old. I am saying that specifically, because as a 10-year old I used to choreograph better adventures. I was just an average child, and claim no special skills in this area, but seriously, Nispel, this is pathetic. No loving hand crafted this, and… did I mention the story was complete guff? Almost non-existent, actually. I blame the writers, but the director most of all. The man is a complete idiot. He has the pacing and vision of a blind tortoise... with 3 legs, and he has destroyed what should have been a masterpiece. I initially gave the 4 stars, but after writing this, it has dropped to 2. Don't watch it. The 1982 Arnie one is 100 times better.

... I would go back two hours and not watch this film.

--------------------------------- CONTAINS QUITE A FEW SPOILERS - And may put you off if you thought seeing this film was a good idea. ---------------------------------

I love time travel - books and movies. I've even written a few short stories using the theme myself. And also because an SF movie with CGI is always a good way to spend a couple of hours. Sorry, I should amend that - is ALMOST always a good way.

Therefore I so wanted this film to be good. I pleaded and begged it, but to no avail. I've reread this story several times since I first read it as a teenager, and the Ray Bradbury Theatre version is OK, although filmed in that weird American style of the early eighties, as if the sound's been stuck on later and with an odd colour shift.

But it was so bad it was laughable. I couldn't give a rat's arse for the CGI - if a film is good it doesn't matter - but the insane contrivances drove me mad. I overlooked the whole way the team was worked, and only mildly cringed at Ben Kingsley taking yet another nonsense film role like Species. The tripe he came out with was pathetic and actually beyond clichéd - not a phrase I thought I would ever use, and although admittedly he tried to inject humour into his ridiculous lines, ultimately it was a pained delivery. But then all the characters were cardboard, and I mean no disrespect to the actors in anything except their choice of employer.

But in memory of the great Mr B, I was still willing to give it a further go. So I also let pass the blatant contradiction at the very foundation of the film - the bit not written by Ray - they never quite seemed to understand the different scenarios of Time Travel at all - can you change the past (Terminator) or not? (Time Machine)

But added to this the time waves (although Zemeckis used a variation of them in Back to the Future - he made it seem convincing in Christopher Lloyd's able hands) were just silly, knocking people flying, having huge trees appear (sometimes simultaneously with the waves, sometimes not), without destroying any buildings or chucking any animals around: what was all that about, except special effects?

And the combat was so sad (the big eel-thing. I don't, I think, need to say more). And the way they were continually chased by steroid-ridden mandrills, and stupid giant bats (just shoot it!) And almost all the dialogue. And was there supposed to be some chemistry there? Missed that one. And the turning a university particle accelerator into a time warp device accurate to 1 minute in 150 million years and didn't they appear right there but back in time, so how did trooping across the city put him back at the T Rex?....

The more I think about this film, the more I am coming to the conclusion that I have probably seen a worse film, but I can't think what it is at the moment. For these reasons and more, I had to come here and rant about it.

Sorry about that.