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Reviews
Stan Helsing (2009)
I didn't think it could be this bad
Okay, I thought "Disaster Movie" and "Superhero Movie" were terrible. However, they did have several mild laughable moments throughout that somehow made it manageable to watch on TV.
This movie has no laughs. I think I smirked twice, and that was about it. It's a really disappointing movie. I didn't expect much of a plot or character development, I expected dumb, usually lacking laughs akin to those you would find in Scary Movie 3-4.
This movie honestly had none of it. I can't believe anyone could mock horror's greatest legends so poorly.
Honestly, please watch something better. Try "Airplane!" or its sequel, "Scary Movie" 1 and 2 -- anything but this.
Flow: For Love of Water (2008)
A simple yet effective look at the woes stemming from our 'right'
I watched this at Bloor Cinema yesterday, luckily missing the TTC strike might I add, with my high school.
The movie is obviously biased and it shows -- and that's not a bad thing. It takes a gritty, firsthand look into the atrocities many parts of the world face day in and day out, eventually juxtaposing our overconsumption.
Maybe it was due to the director being there (in the theatre) and letting us know it took her four years to make, but the movie had heart. It faces the problems and also takes a look at solutions, finally ending with what people are doing on our own continent.
It's a mixture of life over there and life on North America. It's real.
I had a few problems with the pace and editing, along with a shot of a girl being pushed down (it was shown on screen twice, to my calculations) that felt taken out of context. The movie also felt slightly lacking, like the information wasn't totally delivered.
It makes you want to feel like an expert without truly paying it's part of the bargain. But that's a minor gripe.
This is definitely one of those movies that everyone should see.
Grindhouse (2007)
An innovative touch on how we see movies...
I am so happy. It's been a long, long time since I've seen a good movie. GrindHouse, to put it simply, was amazing.
The first movie is one of the (if not THEE) best zombie movies ever. It packs an actual story line (hey remember those?), tonnes of action, gore and an odd ending to boot. It was fantastic.
However, not the same could be said for the latter movie. Death Proof was pretty bad, not 'good' bad. It starts off with several characters and develops them for a good 20 minutes. Then, the said characters abandon the screen. Poof... OK? Soon later, another group of girls arrive. They are much more fleshed out but still don't seem to have a purpose. All the while, we are also tracking Kurt Russel's character. He too doesn't seem to have a point.
There was no back story, no real 'kick ass' scene (aside from maybe two), nada. Fact, he seemed more like a deus ex machina for the most part.
The girls then ensue in a very long car chase (amazingly done BTW). I had a problem with this one. I won't spoil anything, but why didn't they just brake!? Argh, I just cannot buy this "can't think straight during a crisis" BS anymore.
Anywho, as long as you don't really pay attention to the first half of the second movie, you'll enjoy it.
Also, the faux trailers rocked. Some of them -- most notably "Thanksgiving" -- should get made. Though, one trailer I had a problem with was Rob Zombie's take. It was just a huge blur of scenes.
So despite a poorly done second half, GrindHouse is a fantastic movie. Just make sure you have the right attitude going into this -- it's supposed to be cheesy, mmk? 8.5 useless talent number 32s out of a possible 10.
Next (2005)
Addictive...
I hate this friggin' show. It's incredibly stupid and just plain mean... However, I'm addicted. Damn you MTV Canada!
The show repeats its formula constantly with 5 guys/girls waiting to date 1 guy/girl. Some of the stuff they say seems staged but does provide sufficient entertainment.
The only thing that truly bothers me is how they elongate everything. Like, "hey... I like mushrooms" and etc. doesn't always need to be shown.
You know, it's OK to watch mindless TV sometimes.
6/10
Saw III (2006)
Didn't live up to expectations...
I know all you hardcore Saw fans are going to kill me (or click that 'no I don't agree with you' button) when you read this but well... Saw III wasn't really that good.
Firstly, it's hard to do these films. You need a good premise (which Saw had) and an even more elaborate plan for any sequels, which Saw II did very well in that respect, no matter how cheap the ending was. Saw III on the other hand, did nothing to liven it up.
The story is predictable (I figured it out pretty clearly by the second last quarter), the characters do so-so in terms of acting (no creepy intellectual conversation like in Saw II... aww), and the movie, on a whole, didn't live up to its expectations.
Sure there was some mild suspense and the occasional jump-out-of-your seat moment (which I'll admit, there were a few) but frankly that's about it. The traps, which is why people essentially watch these movies, were pretty lame and not powerful enough -- nothing to truly make you cringe. However, there's gore galore! The plot had a few rare good points and the ending rocked. I really hope this is the last Saw for at least these characters because it ended so fittingly.
All in all, any horror fans (or Saw fans) will definitely appreciate this movie, no matter how many faults it carries. Personally however, there's nothing much here. It's more of a rental.
Pros: Gore, Gore, Gore! Cons: Iffy script (notable in the Saw franchise), weak story but fitting ending.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)
Great beginning, not for the faint at heart...
I've always been of fan of these types of movies, as bad as it sounds. However, I've also been a fan of the 'good stuff' (story, characters development, etc). And in this case, TCM: TB delivers on both counts.
You don't need any previous knowledge of the films to understand this one -- actually, it's be better if you see this one first ('03 remake later). The story of the killer is clearly explained throughout the course of the movie.
The characters are above average for the movie. You somewhat sympathizer for them except for maybe the blond one (I totally didn't remember her name). Also, oddly enough you begin to sympathizer for the actual killer, Leatherface.
Now to the good stuff. TB totally ups the ante with gore. I'm not going to even try to list it all here, however, believe me that you'll be satisfied.
There's also a tonne of suspense. Like, we are all accustomed to the 'OMG he's going to pop up right there!!!' scenario but if you just play into it, you'll be entertained.
The movie itself has a very distinct picture. Some scenes are a bit too dark to understand at full speed what's going on but it's rare. The rest is eye candy, as disturbing as this 'eye candy' is.
The only thing I didn't like was the ending. It was a bit cheap, clever, but cheap. However, it *is* supposed to be more of an introduction of the character so it does it's job and even more.
I actually found myself tired after watching the movie, it is a workout for the mind. This movie was made for horror fans.
6.7/10 -- rounded up to 7/10
Pros: Gore, Gore and *more* Gore! Cons: Leatherface needs more screen time!
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
An overall eXcellent addition to the X-Men franchise
It's inevitable for fans of a book, show, etc. that's getting made in film to rebel.
I too was disappointed with how they used some characters. Phoenix in particular since I got all giddy when seeing the flame-like bird in the water during the last few seconds of the previous movie.
However, the translation from something to the screen can never be 100% accurate. A movie has to sell and that means that some things will have to be adjusted (a la Phoenix and her flames) which I'm perfectly fine with. They made their own representation of the characters which should please most.
The worst part of this movie is the time. Everything is rushed. I mean everything. It's a shame not to see certain characters more, but considering all the eye-candy characters we do see, I, again, am alright with it.
Now to the good.
The effects and action will blow you away. They did the finale battle really well and many others. I also like the little things they did, like the boy flying his paper planes with his powers, and etc.
The story is a bit shaky. At some points I feel like it's about a person who is resurrected... then a cure... then that person again... then - oh yeah - the cure... But it touches upon some very insightful things that I really thought about after...
Fans will be turned off at some points with the lack of character time and they way they are portrayed but if you turn that 'OMG, that character isn't like it was in comic book #37,' you'll be in for a real treat.
Here's hoping to another sequel.
Pros: Great effects and action, interesting points. Cons: Lack of time for certain characters, a bit rushed.
P.S. There's a special, but short, scene at the very end of the credits that informs us of a character not being as dead as we thought they were.
Poseidon (2006)
Edge-of-your-seat fun!
I know what you are thinking - WTF? Well hear me out first.
I know this movie isn't going to put your mind at work, however, in my book, it's entertainment.
The special effects were fantastic, expect maybe the outside shots of the ship, and the story stayed consistent throughout the whole movie.
Essentially it goes like this: 15 minute back-story of all the characters and ship, what's happening on the ship... and then randomly a wave hits it: Action non-stop.
The acting is OK, the suspense occasionally drags a bit and the characters aren't evenly developed.
If you are looking for a thought provoking, smart film, skip this one.
If you are looking for a action packed movie with great special effects, you found it.
7/10 -- Mostly on entertainment.
Final Destination 3 (2006)
What can you expect?
This is not intelligent at all. They try to turn it into something it's not.
However, I know most people are going to watch this to have a fun time. It delivers on that level.
The gore is well done, the suspense grows on you and it's got a good beat. I'd just wish they had more characters (Ala more deaths) however, more characters would make it cheesy.
It's fantastic if you don't pay attention to it that much. It runs under 2 hours, I believe.
8/10
Also, the roller coaster incident is very well done. The ending is awkward but ends the way these movies do end.
Hostel (2005)
Did not live up to it's expectations, bad in general...
*This does not contain a spoiler but will let you know what you are in for* I've seen previews of this movie for a long time and was very eager to watch it. They made it seem real scary, didn't they? Well, unless you can't handle true horror like Halloween and a few nasty scenes (Which to me aren't all that nasty thanks to quick camera shots) -- you'll be fine.
The movie spends about 45 min. (Which feels like the entire movie) in a crappy version of Eurotrip. Then comes a 'nasty and scary' bit in the middle and then for the, what it seemed like, last 10 min. of the movie, a "scary" thriller.
I will admit this movie had potential with the set and suspense but still, it failed as a movie. Also, the humour and cameo by Rick Hoffman ruined the tone of the movie.
Hope I save you 8 bucks.
4/10
The Fog (2005)
Realistic Review - Above Average
I know there are many haters of this movie but it's not that bad. I am no way affiliated with the movie, aside from loving the original ;), or anything else relating to it before you suggest it Anyone who has seen the original will scrutinize this movie (Even I did). Yes, the original IS better but the remake does what it's here to do.
I barely thought of this as a remake since they added this intrigue that changes the feel and movie in general. There's more stress on the back story which is nice but not for a horror movie.
Another thing that really ruined the movie in my eyes was the deaths. There were more than the original, which was much appreciated, but they were not at all creative. Half of the deaths aren't even shown on screen, =( Bottom line, this movie serves it's purpose and is worth the money to have a bit of fun and a few scares.
However, I am still deeply disappointed that it seem just thrown together. I know they were limited with the PG 13 Rule (Enforced by the company) to give it a broader audience, but just seeing the things they mildly did made me wish they had gone with it. I didn't like the romance they attempted to add in the remake; horror should be just horror. The ghosts IN the fog need a bit of help too. I LOVED how we saw their rotting flesh and bones but they shouldn't have been transparent. Yes, they ARE ghosts but it made them feel weak. The 'Ghosts' in the original were ghosts but appeared opaque which creeped me out.
8/10
Video & Arcade Top 10 (1991)
I won XD
I was on this show 3 years ago. It was a lot of fun. If you ever get the chance to be on - take it! You have nothing to lose.
When I got there at 7 A, they ask for a signature from a parent (If you are under 18) then you get seated in the audience. They film 3 show at a time so be prepared to be sitting for a while. I went on the last show, just my luck, so I had to put up with 4-5 hours of plain old 'sitting' and smiley when they violently move the camera in your face.
Then, they finally called on me! They got around 4-5 kids and we settled in a 'Preview room.' Here they told us what game we are playing and let us test it out for 2 minutes each. I was: Wrestle Mania 18. I hate wrestling games. Anyways, we were supposed to try to get the most 'Pins' (Holding a opponent down for 3 seconds) The other kiddies got like 7 pins, I got one, XD.
After a while they finally got us on the stage and we began to play. I doubted that I'd win so I just fooled around, I think I almost crashed the game once. Then after about 20 minutes of the cast screwing up their lines they announced the winners. Now I was really about to swear, I won. They called upon me and I had to go to the bonus round. The camera went off! They told me they had to redo that sequence and told me to act surprised when they called upon me, the second time. I felt like an idiot but somehow managed a smile.
The guy then told me to put my hand in a bag, with something covering my eyes, and I got . . . #4! =o - I won about 7 sets of fake Beyblades, =(. I'm not 8. Jeez.
But since I end winning, I won the game, which is busy collecting dust, a watch, 7 sets of fake bey blades (XD), a rental coupon, also collecting dust, some pizza this lady who worked there helped us sneak out and some other things. It was great until some parents were jealously commenting on what I won, no my fault your kids suck.
Anyways, it was a great time. I may do it again someday if they allow young adults. I give it a 8.9/10.
ReBoot: The Ride (1997)
Very fun for everyone.
I got to ride this at Playdium, in Ontario, and I loved it. It wasn't complicated or boring at all. I'm a very big fan of the show so it wouldn't have bothered me nonetheless but everyone who went on it loved it. It goes straight to the action and the visuals combined with the violently moving platform (All the chairs and floor move together) were splendid. Although it breaks down a lot now it's worth a shot.
Also, I'm sure you don't need to pay for it anymore. When I went on it, it was free but then to make money, and inevitably ruin all of Playdium, they made you pay $3 not so bad but still.
Anyways, hope you get to ride it! Steve