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Colombiana (2011)
Paper thin characters, cookie cutter plot, mediocre action.
I so wanted to like this film after watching the brilliantly satisfying Hanna. I thought, "Yes! Another assassin movie with a strong female lead." I was sadly disappointed.
The movie feels like a reflection dancing across a dark exciting sea. The plot never penetrates deeper than a few microns so we're left dry when what we really wanted was to be immersed in the story. We want to drown in the lead character's misery and anger but instead we merely skip across her surface without once getting wet.
If you've seen all the other movies at the theater and you're itching to see something, anything, go for it. There are some good scenes and it's not a horrible movie, it's just not super good. It's especially disappointing if you've just seen Hanna and were expecting an equally well done movie.
Mad Dogs (2011)
Get to the Point
Mad Dogs commits the cardinal sin of not getting to the point. It starts immediately with the promise that something interesting is going to happen but it never does.
The way I if I'm going to buy a book is by reading the first paragraph. If it's interesting I know the author at least has a clue about what they want to say and respects the reader enough to try to engage them in the story.
With this show I fast forwarded and fast forwarded but nothing ever happens.
Men are not like women. We do not care about "relationships" and "drama" we don't care about conversations where people ramble on and on without saying anything interesting. We want to be entertained by a good story. That's it. There's no magic. No nonsense. Just give us some story.
This show lacks any thing you might consider to be a plot or even anything you might consider to be even remotely interesting. It's like a machine regurgitated some words and some fairly talented actors spoke those words.
Oh, and then something happens. At the end. After you're too bored to care. I know I won't be watching the second episode because they couldn't be bothered to interest me in the first one.
Rogues Gallery (2010)
This movie hurt my feeling.
If you read the title of this review you read the funniest joke in this movie.
It really should be noted that this is NOT a comedy. You might be confused by this statement because the cast is clearly stacked with some of the best comics out there but it's true, this isn't a comedy. At best it's a mediocre spy movie with amateurish writing at worst it's a comedy without any humor.
As much as it pains me to say this you should avoid this movie. It isn't horrible but it's a lot like watching Michael Jordan play baseball, you'll waste your evening waiting for a slam dunk that never comes.
Sunshine (2007)
Cure for Insomnia
If you are easily excitable and have trouble getting to sleep just pop this snoozer in to your DVD and you'll be asleep in no time.
There's no plot. The dialog is almost as interesting as listening to rust form. The "story" seems to have happened in a previous episode. There's no explanation of why anything is happening so you don't really care. The characters are less than one dimensional, they're just little dots you don't care about nor do you want to listen to them speak because you know they won't say anything interesting.
I think the writer of this film must be a vampire because he sucked the life out of what could have been a really interesting story. If you're thinking about watching this don't; kill a kitten instead. It'll be more humane.
Day of the Dead (2008)
Good Movie, Bad Reviews
I also thought this film had something to do with the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead but was quickly disabused of that misconception.
You can bemoan that confusion all you want, in no small part due to the casting of Ving Rhames in both movies, or you can watch the film on its own merits. Doing so leaves you with the enjoyment of watching a well made zombie movie that has an entertaining story, is competently directed, has good pacing, is well acted, and has just enough good old fashioned gore to satisfy your zombie blood lust.
Is it as clever and funny as Zombieland? Not by a long shot. Does it satisfy your desire to see a remake of a Romero classic as does Dawn of the Dead (2004)? Not even close. But it's still well worth watching if you're in the mood for a newer zombie flick that isn't a plot deprived gore-fest that exemplify 70's and 80's zombie movies.
In closing the casting of Mena Suvari as the corporal was fairly accurate. There are a fair number of moderately pretty, uneducated women in the military. It's a simple way out of a dead end life and they truly have it quite easy. Or as we who have actually served would say, "It's a skate job."
Sit Down, Shut Up (2009)
Horrible Hack Writing
It's like this show were written by a mildly retarded Jacky the Joke Man.
The "jokes" are hackneyed and stolen or so old your grandmother will ask you why you're watching the Jack Bennie show.
It's just terrible writing no one with any self respect would even try to foster this garbage off on the public.
In addition forcing 10 lines is idiotic.
So you don't care about the quality of the post.
You just care about the number of lines.
This site must be run by the same idiots that wrote this stupid show. Morons.
The Man from Earth (2007)
Great Movie - Not the Greatest Ever, but Very Good.
As you may have surmised from other reviews the story is the star in this movie and you can't talk about it without giving it away. It's best to just watch it knowing nothing about it except a lot of hardcore sci-fi fans recommend it as a must see.
It must however be stated that the acting is a bit off in some parts; someone else described it as wooden and that's apt. It's a bit stiff in spots but it's not so bad that it ruins the movie but it is a bit distracting. I don't want to harp on the acting too much, it's mostly good, but it keeps this from being the 10 out of 10 some people seem obsessed with bestowing.
I'd love to see either a remake with better acting or even better a prequel that expands on the story.
American Cannibal: The Road to Reality (2006)
Aren't Mockumentaries Supposed to be Funny?
I really don't think it's a spoiler to tell you this is a fake documentary; it's painfully obvious in the very first lines of the horribly acted script.
This movie reminds me of people like Kim Wayans, people who can't sing but thinks they can so they do parodies of actual artists. These people are unable to create original content themselves so attempt to do satirical humor but they just aren't funny. That perfectly describes the creators of this abysmal mess.
Skip this and go watch a good mockumentary like 'Best of Show' or the hilarious classic 'Waiting for Guffman.'
Primer (2004)
Looks Like it was Filmed in Your Garage
If you want to see a movie that looks like it was filmed in a garage (because it was) by your neighbor's 16 year old kid, then this is the movie for you. If you want to see really bad, I can't even call it cinematography, really bad hand-held-video-camera-usage, then this movie is for you. If you have accidentally stapled your eyelids open, taped your entire body up in duct tape, accidentally turned on the DVD player with this movie in it and then tripped and fallen on to your sofa, then this movie is for you.
Otherwise? Avoid it like the pneumonic plague; it'll make you even sicker.
Critics might love this movie because they see the potential of the writer/director but don't be fooled into thinking you will enjoy it. It's really, really poorly done and you will be turning it off in the first few minutes wondering to yourself, "What was I thinking? I should have know better than to buy a movie out of the $5 box at Jumbo Movie Rental Place. Oh, looks like my eyes are bleeding..."