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Foodfight! (2012)
Oh. It's bad!
But, when it comes to movies this bad, the important question is: Is it so bad it's good? Well, not really. Most of the laughs come from how terrible the thing looks, and that wears off after the first few minutes. Then there's the absurdity of all the lame, nonsensical puns and innuendos. I swear, when you think they can't get lamer, they will prove you wrong every time! And lastly, this movie is weirdly and disturbingly fetishist. I mean the love interest is a furry, the villain has both a school girl and a dominatrix outfit and that's just scratching the surface. But most of the time it's just an incredibly ugly and boring movie.
So while it's nowhere near the "so bad it's good"-quality of the Room or Troll 2, it may give you a few laughs. But seriously, you're better of watching something else. And if you still insist on watching it, don't do it sober. This is beyond any doubt one of the worst movies ever! It's incredibly bad in every way possible. The movie is ugly, the animation is terrible, the script is beyond stupid and the whole thing just reeks of laziness, racism, sexism and cynicism. And thus it should be treated accordingly, with a large amount of alcohol. You'll need it.
The Daniel Project (2012)
Complete insanity!
Oh dear, where to begin? First of all, if you are looking for an objective analysis of biblical scripture, you need to go elsewhere. This is the vanity project of a self proclaimed bible expert who has this insane theory about how we all live in the end days and he is going to explain why that is. But the problem is that they only discuss the pros and not cons of his arguments. There are no naysayers allowed in the documentary. They make Zeitgeist seem objective and reasonable in comparison.
And the arguments! Some are truly beyond stupid. "We live in the end days because there is war and turmoil in the world today!" Well, that's true for the entirety of human history, the only difference is the weapons and the media coverage. "We live in the end days because people are mean to each other and are greedy!" Weren't they always?
But my absolute favorite part (where I had to pause and collect myself from laughing) was when they insinuated that Obama is the anti-Christ. Are there any reasonable, sane people who actually think that? Sure, you can criticize Obama, you don't have to like him or his politics, but the guy is clearly not the devil. And as I said before, there is not a single person in the film allowed to speak up against these stupid "facts".
And the whole film is framed by a "skeptic" bloke who narrate the documentary, while telling you exactly what to think at each moment.
All in all, I came for a laugh and it delivered. Wonderfully stupid!
Dragon Age: Dawn of the Seeker (2012)
Better than expected
I went in to this film expecting it to be pretty bad. I love DA:O and really like DAII despite it's flaws, but an anime based on a character that I personally don't really care about, felt doomed to fail. And yes, the plot is very predictable and clichéd but at the same time entertaining. I liked getting to know more about the seekers and Cassandra was pretty badass. But! Some story elements were just so wrong.
First of all, the evil blood mage thing is kind off overused after DAII. And what's with the sudden army of ogres and golems that the blood mages just pulls out of nowhere only to never use them again. And Cassandra is kicking their asses despite them being really tough opponents in the games.
Then there's the problem with the story being set in between the events in Kirkwall and Varric's interrogation. The circle mages just felt wrong. They shouldn't be that loyal to the chantry. After all, Varric says that the circles are rising up, and yet all the circle mages in this film are good loyal mages while every apostate is an evil blood mage. And why would mages fight with scythes/swords instead of magic?
But the animation is nice and it's entertaining enough to sit through. If you like Dragon Age and want more back story, then by all means watch it. If you don't, well you're not missing anything.
Pledge This! (2006)
My brain hurts!
WTF did I just watch? The only reason why I saw this monstrosity was because I wanted to see if it was as bad as it seemed. But I was wrong. So very wrong. It's so bad it makes Birdemic seem like shaw shank redemption.
The "plot" is about Paris Hilton wanting to get on the cover of FHM magazine. Why? Because who the needs talent, intelligence or education, that's just something poor people need. Rich stupid whores knows that the only thing that matters is to act like a wannabe porn star and get a stupid reality show. And that's pretty much the morale of the story. I'M NOT KIDDING. SERIOUSLY.
I honestly don't know who might actually like this abomination of a film. It's the most stereotypical, racist and sexist film I've ever seen. There's no redeeming quality at all. The sheer stupidity of this movie makes your brain hurt. I feel like I've become stupider because of it. Do yourself a favor and avoid this hell spawn like the plague.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to youtube Paris Hiltons death scene from house of wax.
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)
Exceeds expectations
As a huge Tolkien fan, it was with mixed fear and excitement that I went to see the Hobbit: an unexpected journey, last night. I was really worried about how Jackson was going to extend the Hobbit into three films. But in retrospect, there was no reason to worry at all! There is not a dull moment in the entire film.
The story is not as dark as the Lord of the Rings trilogy, but it still have the same feel to it. You do feel like you're back in the same Middle-earth as before, but things are not yet as grim and desperate as in the old films. Some people might complain about there being too much comedy and slapstick but you need to remember that the Hobbit was written as a children's book. I like the fact that they expand upon some story lines that does not have the same weight in the book, such as the white council and some of the issues between dwarfs and elves, but it still remain true to the original story. Obviously the film is visually stunning and the 3d and 48 fps work really well.
I enjoyed it a lot and look forward to the next part!
Dungeons & Dragons (2000)
Jeremy Irons, oh my!
This film is incredibly stupid, camp and just plain bad. It is also very, very entertaining, just pure comedy gold! I laughed out loud so many times while watching this. There is so much wrong with it! From the medieval lame version of Han Solo as the lead to the black buddy-cop friend and the sheer stupidity of the plot there are so many hilarious moments. But there is one performance that really stood out: Jeremy Irons as the evil mage was one of the funniest, over the top performances I have seen! He is doing the whole "OOOH look at me, I'm so evil! Seriously I'm evil, here watch me wave my arms and stare at the camera just to show how evil I am" routine. He is like the medieval wizard equivalent of Dr Evil from Austin Powers. Sadly, there aren't enough scenes with him, instead we have to endure the stupid "hero" with his idiotic band of useless sidekicks. The film would have been so much better if it were more Jeremy Irons because he is just so incredibly camp and funny.
The New World (2005)
Beautiful but deeply flawed
I had been warned that this film was a snoozefest, but I just thought that's because people nowadays are so used to loud action movies from directors like Michael Bay that they have a problem with any slow paced narrative. But this movie is not slow, because that would require some movement. It is just standing still most of the time, which is a shame because it could have been so good!
Don't get me wrong, there are some great aspects to the film, visually it's a stunner! The cinematography is really really good, there are so many beautiful shots and scenes. But when it comes to plot and narrative something is deeply wrong. I think you could have cut out at least an hour without disturbing the plot at all. It is too long! And just because you have nice nature shots with a voice-over that says something like "mother, you are everywhere" once every minute doesn't make it deep. It just make the film boring. Also I would have preferred less focus on the relationship between Pocahontas and Smith (which consists of them staring at each other with "deep" voice overs), and instead have more focus on the relationship between the settlers and natives.
However, I think that the part with Christian Bale is a lot better and far more interesting. Sadly most viewers won't see it because they are probably sleeping by then. I think they could have shown more of Pocahontas in London, the clash of cultures is an interesting subject.
Lastly, I saw the extended cut, avoid it like plague. It doesn't add anything interesting, it just make the film even longer.
Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009)
Incredibly bad
After watching the trailer and reading some reviews of this film, I just had to watch it. I wanted to find out for myself if it was as bad as people seemed to think. Well, it was even worse. The plot is stupid, the characters are not even one dimensional, the "acting" sucks and the cgi effects are at best poorly done. There are no redeeming qualities to this film, it's just bad! And for a title that says "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus" there is not much fighting between the two creatures. Instead we are stuck with a lot of uninteresting scenes with the scientists.
Do yourself a favor, if you want a so-bad-it's-good experience, watch the room instead. At least it's entertaining.