Change Your Image
psionchronicles
Ratings
Most Recently Rated
Reviews
Wonder Woman (1974)
Hmmmmm...
It was 1974. I was 7. It was a time of Kolchak and Steve Austin. So when they advertised on TV that Wonder Woman was coming to live action, I just had to be there. After all, the only comic book superheroes I'd seen in live action up to that point were Batman and Robin (the George Reeves "Superman" reruns had never showed in my area). I guess in a way that a 7-year-old boy COULD be, I was ga-ga over Cathy Lee Crosby briefly, even if I got bored and didn't watch half of this movie (I came back at the end just in time to see her in-costume). Even at that age it was immediately evident that this had little to do with the comic character, but hey, maybe I could hope for them to put other superheroes on TV. In retrospect, I wish they hadn't, because the treatments they gave Captain America, Doctor Strange, Spider-Man, and the Hulk weren't much of an improvement on this.
I decided to give this another look today, and... yeah. This had some of the most terrible dialogue I've ever watched, even by old comic book standards. The story writing as a whole is full of gaffes that other reviewers have talked about, so I won't bother here. The fight sequences had to have straight-up embarrassed the Women's Libbers of the time; I mean, c'mon, this was the era of Bruce Lee and they couldn't do at least a little better than THIS? As near as I can tell, this was designed to keep the men out there focused on the actresses as long as possible in a desperate hope for ratings.
Not the worst film I've ever seen, but still a hard pass.
The Menu (2022)
Seems Ironic To Write a Review
To critique this movie in any authoritative or nit-picky way would be to have missed its entire point. As a musician, I seldom work with other musicians because they have a tendency to mistake personal preference for artistic merit. This seems to be artists in general, though. At the end of the day, details don't matter: the audience either clapped or they didn't, and if they clapped at even one song I performed, I win. It doesn't matter to me how many records I sold or how many critics I flabbergasted. The artist has to decide at the outset what he considers success, and all other measures are irrelevant.
For "The Menu" and its monolithic commentary on the arts, I clap.
The Omen (1976)
A Film About the Antichrist By People Who Knew Nothing About the Antichrist
This movie is okay as a supernatural thriller, but it can't be taken as anything more than that. Its writers evidently either never read scriptural prophecy or were utterly bewildered by it, because regardless of any Christian's understandings, this does not jive with any of it and is a loose metaphor at best. From a storytelling perspective, it's a mess and requires more suspension of disbelief than even a supernatural horror flick should.
Reviewing "The Omen" for IMDB is difficult as virtually any comment I'd make would fall under "spoilers". I'd call it "Brian DePalma Does The Bible". The music is creepy enough to carry some scenes. The casting is top-notch, but asking a little kid to convincingly emulate the son of evil incarnate is a bit unrealistic and fails sometimes laughably here.
Worth a look as long as your hopes aren't high.
Jennifer (1978)
Hastily-Conceived Knockoff
In retrospect, Lisa Pelikan was actually good-looking back in the day. That's about the only thing I can give this movie. It lies somewhere below "Willard" in this genre.
The name Bert Convy on the poster should have kept me upwind of this one, but morbid curiosity lured me in. He belongs in a horror movie like Drew Carey belongs in a sword-and-sorcery epic. The dialogue is so badly-written as to be cartoonish, with the Sandra character not even believable as a bully; it didn't help that she didn't know how to act. A person with as little empathy as that would not just burst into tears (unconvincingly at that) after seeing all of her cohorts punked, but I guess that's more the director's fault. Real bullies don't care.
This can't truly be compared to "Carrie" because Carrie at least had actual psi powers; most of what Jennifer does is cause hallucinations, and that only requires the power to slip peyote into peoples' drinks. I guess she did physically create a couple of the snakes, but they used mostly constrictors which typically aren't even dangerous. The shots of her "psyching" in the nightgown are seriously hokey, on par with the Power Rangers morphing. Jennifer survives and lives happily ever after, which is different from all other movies of this kind. If I was 14 again, the nudity in this movie might have given me a thrill.
The music... yeah. Pretty bad. It starts with the ridiculous opening theme, continues in the cheese-ball disco scene, then reaches its low point with a trumpet doing scales while she does her snake revenge.
An hour and a half I wish I had back.
Futureworld (1976)
Terrible Ending
This movie premise had some potential, as it was a fresh take on the idea of the first movie. What ruined it for me was the ending; they could have done several twist endings, but opted for it to simply fizzle out. It was as if they ran out of money for film and just decided to run the credits as soon as possible. It would have been great if the projector had broken about 60 seconds from the end.
It seemed like humanoid androids with circuit boards for faces was a popular cliché in 70s sci-fi. Anyone with any understanding of modern circuitry or computers will find the special effects laughable, as this was made prior to the era of microprocessors and, as in "The Six Million Dollar Man", they expect you to accept that a human being can be effectively emulated using parts from a transistor radio or a toaster. Still, for its time, it worked. It introduced the concept of computer viruses well before they existed in reality, and Crichton was pretty imaginative as to what machinery was capable of. Clark the robot was seemingly written in to pad the running time, as he was irrelevant to the plot; I'd hoped he would have some later significance but I was disappointed.
The casting was negligible. I never considered Peter Fonda an actor--an action star chosen for his appearance at best, but his character in this didn't really require acting. Blythe Danner was pretty vanilla here as well.
It remains a good concept, and this movie actually deserves a remake with modern special effects and a better ending.
Skatetown USA (1979)
Wretched
"Let's film a skate contest at an impressive rink and find some way to work a movie around it." As a kid, I was big into disco but never got around to seeing this movie until today. After looking at the cast, my expectations weren't high, but... wow. The sole good point was that the soundtrack was better than "Roller Boogie", but why did they have to use "Boogie Wonderland" AGAIN in a roller disco movie? Dave Mason wasn't even a disco artist and somehow wound up in this movie.
The script is LAUGHABLY bad and the dialogue seems to be written by a 12-year-old, made somehow worse by all-around lousy acting and directing. The cast is comprised of TV comedy actors who couldn't get hired for anything else that year. Even Maureen McCormick's hotness was negated by the part they wrote for her. Most of the women spend their time giving flirty looks when they aren't behaving stupidly (like how an 8-year-old IMAGINES grown women act and speak in a club). As far as the "skater gang" idea: how tough can you really be in disco uniforms on roller skates? For a disco movie to work at all, you need at least one actor/actress with extreme sex appeal to take your mind off the fad saturation, and Swayze wasn't quite there yet.
It's not funny. It's not romantic. I'd have been better off watching somebody fart for an hour and a half. Kudos to Patrick Swayze's career for surviving this.
Ugh.
Stripes (1981)
An Utter Farce
And anyone who's ever been in any branch of the military during wartime OR peacetime will KNOW it's a farce. This is an okay bit of comedy writing but nothing I could find in it was a realistic representation of Army practices, culture, or personalities (the haircuts alone were the first tipoff). If their intent was to create a recruitment piece, they may have conned the most uninformed kids at the time, but this was as much the U. S. Army as Gomer Pyle was the U. S. Marines. "Stripes" asks us to swallow the possibility that ANY of the characters could last in the Army, let alone advance to captain. It also expects us to accept that recruits can just waltz off the base in the middle of basic in street clothes to hit a strip club. Also, that at the height of the Cold War you could just drive into Warsaw Pact territory in an RV and their border guards were harmless buffoons. Also, that female MPs are easily-wooed bunnies who are actually impressed by irreverent clowns. In these respects, some servicemen will actually be insulted by this movie's inaccuracies and depictions.
Still, it's a fair vehicle for Bill Murray and John Candy and their comedy styles. I suppose in the end, that's what our military is for: fighting for the right of Americans to poke fun at anything.
Weird Science (1985)
Saved by Bill Paxton
Take Joe Piscopo's ego and arrogance and put it into an ugly, scrawny adolescent body and you get Gary, one of the most annoying and unlikeable characters in the history of cinema. Anthony Michael Hall works in other movies but kept me from rating this one higher than a 7. I don't know if they let him improvise his own dialogue in this movie but it certainly seemed like it... the scene where he's drunk in the bar almost made me walk out.
Like many fantasy comedies, you have to roll with whatever this movie throws at you, which is a grab bag of goofy tidbits. The premise may be outlandish, but most teen boys dream of such a scenario (magically having adult privileges) at one time or another and that's what it plays on. Bill Paxton is at his funniest as Chet and makes the movie worth seeing. Kelly LeBrock was quite a looker back in the day and fit her role AND her leotards nicely.
It was funnier when I was in high school but it's lost a bit over time.
Thank God It's Friday (1978)
Nostalgic
I had to think about this one for a while to decide what to make of it. As a movie or a story, it's a complete zero. The soundtrack is pretty lackluster given the genre and could have benefited hugely from some bigger hits.
What I did like about it was the realism. If you were around for the disco scene in the late 70s, or even school dances or roller rinks, you most likely encountered the kinds of people depicted here. It seemed like everyone in the place was trying to get lucky and/or trade up while dancing to disco tunes under gaudy and gimmicky lighting. There WERE lots of married couples who broke up amidst the temptations of the culture (depicted similarly in "Urban Cowboy"). There WERE a lot of social misfits who saw themselves as chic and tried to get others to see them that way. There WERE a lot of people who showed up only to complain and act disgusted at the whole environment which made you wonder what they were doing there in the first place. Like most of the characters in this movie, it was like the whole world was trying to be something it wasn't. Still, there was always that one guy who was having so much fun and fit in so well with the club atmosphere that his energy was contagious and he kept the evening from being a total loss.. sometimes, he could even dance.
Up the Academy (1980)
"Porky's" Meets "Stripes" In A Middle School
I can't understand Mad Magazine disowning this movie when it's such a good representation of the humor in their magazine at the time (which I stopped reading about 7th grade). From its conception, this was never going to win any Oscars, but to be honest, I've seen worse movies in this genre. I was 13 when this came out, and at the time I considered it watchable (admittedly, I almost walked out in the middle of the military ball singers scene). Even then, it required a lot of suspended disbelief on my part to accept its depiction of a military school (starting with the haircuts). The production values are pretty low all around, but they most likely didn't have much of a budget to begin with.
How in the world did they get Barbara Bach to star in this?
13 Going on 30 (2004)
Made me think
If you've ever wondered how you ended up where you are, how it all went so horribly sideways, and you can trace it back to mistakes you made in middle school, you'll relate to this movie. Garner is convincing as an adolescent thrust into an adult body and world; I consider this her best acting and it was helped by decent screenwriting. My grandson watched it with me and his comment was, "I wish I could do that." I assured him that no, he doesn't, that he might not want to know how things turn out in the long run, that adulthood is not what it looks like when you're a kid.
A great film that I can recommend to anyone.
The Crossing (2000)
Grossly Overlooked Film
Like many American schoolkids, I was snoozing fifteen minutes into American History class, especially the Revolutionary War. I could have learned more from watching this single movie about George Washington and his situation than I ever did in semesters of history class because it's far more engaging than woodcut pictures or paintings. It really brings the time and events to life and actually gives Washington a personality the textbooks can't. Jeff Daniels is perfectly cast and the script is realistic. It's not as grandiose as "The Patriot" but that was fiction anyway. I highly recommend this movie for middle schoolers and up.
Carrie (1976)
So yeah...
If you are a teenage witch with a Puritan on PCP for a mom and a critter for a principal and you're being savaged by the whole school every day of your life, there are options now! We have social services now... they weren't a thing in 1976. You don't have to burn the place up and kill everyone, as gratifying as that might be. They can relocate you to a foster home miles away where the abuse CAN'T be any worse than Margaret White.
I saw this at the drive-in the year it came out... I was 7. It FREAKED me out and I slept with my head under the covers for weeks.
It remains the scariest movie I've ever seen. All of the casting and acting was top-notch, the direction style, the visual aesthetics, the music. I gave the novel a look, and I have to say this screenplay was a big improvement. In some ways it was reminiscent of "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane". Brian DePalma just "knew" how to make things creepy and he never topped this. Big emphasis on the casting: Spacek is totally believable in this role. Another imitator used a fashion-model-type in a similar role and it didn't work because she was too good-looking for the abuse she suffered to make any sense.
All that said, if you've ever been bullied by a large number of people, you'll want to steer clear of this one or it may trigger you.
Fire and Ice (1983)
Yawn
If I was 12 years old again and didn't have access to straight-on porn (yeah, right), this movie might give me a thrill. It spends a LOT of time showing a next-to-naked woman running around in the jungle lingering in various poses to try to turn you on. There wasn't much animated gore to speak of, so it really wouldn't satisfy sword-and-sorcery fans. The storyline is cliché and has a LOT of padding.
The animation wasn't bad, it just wasn't revolutionary. If you're really into Frank Frazetta's or Boris Vallejo's artwork, this may be worth checking out. I recommend Bakshi's earlier work, especially American Pop, to anyone who finds this one watchable.
Orgazmo (1997)
25 Years Later and I'm Still Giggling
This movie lampoons Mormonism but it's in such an over-the-top way that even my Mormon co-worker thought it was hilarious. Anyone who actually knows Mormons will know this is a joke and meant to be a friendly ribbing. Some of the funniest moments I've seen in comedies were written by non-Christians saying "bible-sounding stuff" who obviously had no knowledge of it. It's like watching British actors try to do an American accent and failing badly.
I'd say it also makes fun of 1966 Batman, except that no one older than 3 didn't consider THAT show a comedy.
As far as how it parodies the porn industry, hmmm... I don't know if porn producers/actresses in the real world take themselves as seriously as depicted here (thinking they produce serious cinema), but it would be pretty funny if they did.
I still lose it when he knocks on the door with the dog humping his leg.
Captain America (1990)
Still Evolving
Marvel has struggled ever since the end of WWII to make Captain America relevant, and even the.2011 update missed some marks. This 1990 attempt had both pluses and minuses.
Concerning the Red Skull's backstory. Here, it's presented that he is an Italian and the result of Italian fascism. This is grossly irreverent to the generation that saw him as an American icon in opposition to the NAZI regime in Germany, and for reasons unknown they decided to omit that it was Hitler himself who took the Red Skull under his wing (the 2011 rendering failed here as well). This can be considered a goof anyway because for the Red Skull to be a master of espionage during WWII he would have needed to be at least 25 in the mid 1930s, so for him to have been a young boy at the time he began his indoctrination would have meant it started well before the Nazis even came into being; even the comics never explained this.
Captain America's cowl and costume didn't look that great in this one; it seemed rubbery and as though it would tear under the slightest stress. That said, it could have been worse (see the TV movies from the 70s).
All that said, the story itself in this one wasn't awful. They just made some changes from the source material that didn't need to be made considering "political correctness" hadn't even happened yet. The casting worked. Given where Cap '90 was for its time, we can expect them to finally get it right about 2035... maybe.
Kids (1995)
Brutal reality
My younger cousin was a teen in the early 90s and I watched the kids he hung out with at the time. I have to say that although this movie depicts an extreme case, it was not a complete flight of fantasy. There have always been places and pockets of the country where people live little better than rats and roaches, and in such places you'll find Lord of the Flies in action. Even today, there are places in inner cities where a 10-year-old pimp will walk up and offer you his 8-year-old sister for a buck and they haven't even seen their parents for days. When kids are left to their own devices, ANYTHING is possible. "Kids" is what the finish line looks like in the teen race to the bottom. Some of them cease to be persons early on and become mere masses of flesh without hope or purpose. Kudos to the filmmaker for accurately depicting a worst-case scenario, but for now, that's what it remains: a portrait of a bad place and time.
Jackass: The Movie (2002)
LOLOLOLOLOL
If you went into this one hoping for an Oscar-winner or any sort of plot, you either completely missed the title, know nothing about Jackass or are more brain-damaged than the Jackasses. It's not a story of any kind but a collection of stunts and pranks.
If you're like me and grew up around Ozark hillbillies, you actually know people like these and will find at least some of the segments hilarious and relatable. It was like watching my stepdad's family at every Thanksgiving and Christmas but without the gunfire. I also encountered a few at college parties. If you've ever had an itch to hook up a friend's nuts to electrodes and see what happens, this one's for you.
I could have done without the gross-out and scatological parts, but it is what it is. Bring a strong stomach. See it while drinking if you can.
Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
Praise the Lord... I'M CURED!!!
Statutomania: (n.) 1. A compulsion for collecting complete sets. My mother had it too. She never completely kicked her need to own every Beatles album and single, buying every EX-Beatle recording as well... she just skipped over the Yoko Ono stuff. For my part, I've struggled with this all my life. If I lack even one piece of a complete set of anything, it drives me clinically . So it was with Star Wars. Episodes IV to VI were near-perfection to me (I'd have been fine without C-3PO/R2-D2 and the Ewoks), so I bought the DVDs. Then Episode I Featuring He Who Must Not Be Named came out; in spite of the resulting odor coming from my DVD shelf, I picked it up anyway. After all, the packaging was still uniform so I still had the whole set, and I might still watch the Darth Maul scenes from time to time. Episodes II and III came out, and they were slightly more watchable. I was content, having the existing six. Rogue One was an okay addition thereafter. Then, Episodes VII to IX and Solo happened. I'd found MY Yoko Ono! But on a much grander scale, enough that I never want to see another Star Wars creation as long as I live. Even if you don't hate Kathleen Kennedy's woke feminist agenda, the latest trilogy was a complete wreck of storytelling from every angle, making the "midichlorians" thing seem legit by comparison. The sole redeeming feature I was able to find in the whole thing was that they finally gave Chewbacca some emotional depth. I suppose it was also nice to see the robots given minimal exposure and used for something more than Laurel-and-Hardy appeal to 3-year-olds. My Star Wars DVD collection sits at seven, and there it will remain. Never say it can't get worse.
Joker (2019)
Not bad, but doesn't live up to the considerable hype
High marks for the acting all around, and the story is believable. That said, I can't appreciate it as a comic book adaptation. It's not a BATMAN story and not really a Joker story either. The Joker has always been a chemicals expert and an over-the-top manic; this movie doesn't even touch on the science background and Phoenix's portrayal of Joker's personality is the most subdued I can remember seeing. I consider this a better-than-average re-imagining. If at some point after the movie events the Joker does morph into a cackling, narcissistic showman, we aren't shown any clues of how he arrives there.
I remember the movie trailer saying it was rated R for "strong, bloody violence"; I have to say I've seen FAR worse in that respect. As far as the FBI's concern of it spawning violence, I'm not seeing any greater danger of that from this movie than any other crime drama.
Breezy (1973)
Hidden Diamond
If you're part of the current "PC culture" or a feminist, this movie will probably be unwatchable. Most of today's youth are being conditioned that an older man with a younger woman equals human trafficking and is automatically sordid and sick.
What makes this movie a work of pure genius is its realism, driven by excellent direction and casting. Until I saw this, the only role I saw Kay Lenz in was "The Initiation of Sarah", which was in retrospect a terrible representation of her acting abilities. If you're a middle-aged man like myself and you've been thoroughly burned out on life by a bad marriage or career, you can relate to Holden's Frank. He's not looking for a relationship, doesn't believe in them anymore; he's become the walking dead. Enter Breezy, an upbeat hippie drifter who meets him in a chance encounter. The contrast between these two is that Frank makes assumptions about everyone--including himself--where Breezy makes none. She senses that somewhere beneath his hardened shell is a decent seed of a man, and she's determined to water it. This is not about a girl with "daddy issues"; it's about two people who, for whatever reason, are ultimately drawn to each other and need each other and--most importantly--are happy with each other. If you can identify with Frank, you dream of such a person dropping into your world even if you've long since given up on it.
The dialogue is top-notch. This movie explores the challenges and realities of such a relationship in an accurate way. Their mutual love for each other becomes more important in the end than what their peers think or the logistics of his advancing age. Neither of them maintains inflated expectations of how it will all end; all they know is that, for today, they make each other's life worth living without regard for if there's a tomorrow or not.
The Initiation of Sarah (1978)
Watchable, as far as 70s TV horror flicks go...
As others have noted, this is seemingly little more than a re-packaging of the "Carrie"/"Jennifer" concept with hotter-looking actresses. And also as others have noted, Kay Lenz is miscast here; she's too gorgeous to be believable in this role. What I will give her is that in the shots where it shows her face when she's "psyching" she does seem genuinely spooky (I contrast that with how Lisa Pelikan looked in "Jennifer" in her nightgown... I expected her at any second to say, "MA MA!")
The plot is supposed to be centered around Sarah's telekinetic powers, but they don't manifest much in the movie. When they do, they aren't exactly terror-inspiring. Given, it was 1970s prime time and they could only get away with so much. Today's kids would consider this a snoozer because they can't easily juxtapose it with what else was being done for TV at the time (kind of like how "Star Wars" isn't as impressive unless the only space movie you've ever seen was "2001").
This is a throwback to the days when drama was the most important thing, not realism or believability.
Sharknado (2013)
100% Product of Wisconsin
So my wife and I have this running gag that every time we see a ridiculously bad movie, we imagine these two guys doing a bong rip in a room somewhere writing screenplays and giggling. Last time it happened was after "Weiner Dog". I have to say that before I'd ever be stoned enough to write the script for "Sharknado", I'd pass out. The thing I kept trying to determine while watching it--and I did manage to sit through the entire thing, amazingly--is who it was for. Even a three-year-old wouldn't have been conned by the "special" effects, so it wasn't for the action film buffs. It wasn't scary in the least, so it wasn't for the horror film crowd. It was too loaded with production gaffes (e.g. the weather changing completely in a split second) to be of interest to film students. Tara Reid is showing some serious wrinkles and no skin in this, so it's not for Tara Reid lovers. I concluded that "Sharknado" is a movie by idiots about idiots for idiots. If you could sit through "Monsturd", this movie will probably work for you.
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (2014)
A good movie, but stretched too thin
The Hobbit trilogy of movies had the opposite problem of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. In LOTR, the problem was condensing what could easily have been 20 hours of film into 9, so much was skipped or altered. In this trilogy, what should have been 4 hours of film got stretched into 9, and it left me feeling like the studio was milking the cow as much as they could. Nevertheless, if you loved LOTR, you'll want to see these too.
Apocalypse Now (1979)
My Favorite Movie of All Time
My stepdad was an MP in Vietnam, and his comment after watching this was, "This wasn't Vietnam... it was somebody's nightmare." My mother's take was that it was "the most satanic movie ever made". The problem with most movie reviewers and critics is that they evaluate every movie based on the same criteria, which only benefits cinema majors. My stepdad's evaluation was based on how closely it portrayed his experience in Vietnam, and that wasn't really the premise of this movie. Vietnam is only used as a setting here for a re-telling of "Heart of Darkness" to make it relatable to modern audiences; anyone with no familiarity with the Conrad novel will completely miss that and dismiss this as a psychotic maligning of the Vietnam War.
This movie was a personal turning point for me. What it excelled at was making me question much of what I'd been taught and shown in my life and my perspectives on things. Willard's line sums it up: "The more I saw of lies, the more I hated them." I came to admire how he abandons any notions of being any more or better than what he is. The real grit of this narrative is how you may not agree with his or Kurtz's methods or understandings or morality, but you can clearly understand how they could arrive at them. So based on the criteria of "movies that made me think", I give it 10 stars. If I were to rate it based on historical accuracy, I'd have to bump that down to 3; at least it depicts the Vietnam leadership as buffoons, which by all accounts they were. If I were to rate it on memorable scenes and quotable lines, again a 10. Casting and acting I'd give a 10. It did a fantastic job of taking a war movie beyond mere battle scenes and into the larger issues of morality and judgment.