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pincake
Reviews
Avia Vampire Hunter (2005)
Was this meant to be a comedy??
I have no idea how this movie has a professional looking cover, because it looks like it was made by high school students with mom's camcorder. The crappyness started with the beginning credits which consisted of canned music playing for about 20 minutes in front of a bunch of blurry halloween props and basically naming everyone who even stood near the movie. The movie starts with detectives or something in suits examining a body when Avia comes along and cops an attitude. Then she's in their car and has no idea what's going on. They walk into some nerdy goth kid's house and pull some of the worst stunts and cop etiquette i've ever seen in a movie. And then avia kills some ugly 80's metal guy with fangs (an artistic scene showing her lunging her sword into nothing from 10 different angles). Then all of sudden Rodney "jamal" jackson moves in with Avia and they have sex with their clothes on. Avia has a bunch of weird scenes where she runs around with a sword and a dumb look on her face. Then there's a dramatic, heartfelt scene where Jamal finds out Avia used to be in a mental institution and she's wanted for murder, even though he boasted about doing a background check on her before. Some weird stuff happens, Avia takes drugs. I'm not even going to spoil the ending for you.......because I don't even really get what happened. The entire movie makes no sense and there's no plot. It's not a horror or a thriller, it's complete cheese. How anyone decided this was good enough to put in a professional DVD is beyond me. The soundtrack was really generic and nothing even comparable to Danny Elfman. The acting was abysmal (with the exception of jamal, who wasn't THAT bad), not that the characters had a script to work with. Even walking around and silent scenes were murdered by these "actors". The funniest scene was one where Avia walks outside dressed in full out Ninja garb (sword included) in the middle of suburbia.....and hails a cab! Only get this movie if you want to laugh at it.
The Bone Snatcher (2003)
the worst WORST movie i've ever seen.
I wasted 5 dollars renting this complete piece of crap. Dr. Zack is the most unlovable lead character i have ever seen. The movie was full of EVERY cliche you could ever think of and contained not a single OUNCE of originality. There was the typical sexism portrayed by rugged foreigners, all the guys had those 'too-proud to take advice' attitudes that are as stale as grandma's christmas fruitcake. The concept and deaths were really cool, but they lose all novelty once the monster is revealed. (read the SPOILER at the end) Nothing else is really revealed though, the ending is the biggest cop-out you've ever seen. I predicted everything before it happened, including who would die and how. The dialogue is lacking, and that's an understatement by far. There's mostly just random yelling, thoughtful staring, and chunky sentences. The actors are just GOD AWFUL! I don't want to talk about this movie anymore, it's making me angry. I just wonder if the director even watched it when it was done.
(SPOILER ALERT!!!! SAVE 5 DOLLARS!) the monster is just a bunch of ants that "evolved" so now they need bones so they can move around, (nevermind the fact that this serves no evolutionary advantage whatsoever, and that the ants just killed whoever was available, though the movie acts like they kill out of necessity. This movie made me dumber.) The end consists of the lead idiot killing the mother ant (a big blob thing) which destroys all the other ants. Pretty cliche eh? He almost wusses out at the end because of a sudden emotional attachment to the mother-thing that overcomes him. Give me a break.