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Real Scary Stories (2000)
The show that time & everyone forgot
While its impact on popular culture is insignificant, Real Scary Stories had a profound impact on me. The show terrified me as a child & still gives me the chills as of now. To an 8-11 year old, the show has an unparalleled way of getting under one's skin. Never mind its ability to set a rather macabre ambiance for the forthcoming stories it's going to tell. The most noteworthy element is that of the show's opening & commercial bumpers. Which is that of a smoky, black-drop background narrated by dual disembodied voices: one male, one female. The show's format followed a rather simple pattern. Our ghoulish narrators would introduce the story. We would then be acquainted to a group of teens interested in the supernatural tale, who are going to investigate it. The group of teens, in said haunted locale, proceed to go hunting for the "ghoul of the hour." The segments usually included the teens seeing something that spooks them. Then "ghoul of the hour" usually makes an appearance, or is at least hinted to be present, thanks to clever editing. Said fiend immediately "retreats into the netherworld" it appeared from, & the teens recap the events that occurred
or at least recap what they want us to think what happened.
In retrospect, the seams of the show are quite evident. Much of the scares are created in post-production. That's not to say everything presented was staged. It's just abundantly clear the events that transpire are being manipulated. Whether it be through certain shots being placed in a certain order and/or particular sound effects inserted in order to convey a much more sinister presence. Ultimately, it's not as fully convincing to an adult as it is to an adolescent viewer. Certain camera angles and placements give away much of the "impromptu" ambiance the show is trying to sell. That's not to say the show isn't effective. The show is by no means campy or tongue-in- cheek. Real Scary Stories is whole-heartily trying to scare you out of the room. The show's true "ace in the hole" is that of its sound design. Many shots which would be plain boring, never mind far from scary, are brought to near "jumping out of your seat" spooky levels thanks to the clever mood music playing lowly in the background over much of the episodes.
This show has been an enigma to me ever since I first watched it in the early 2000's. It has baffled me for multiple, evolving reasons over the years. First, for the obvious "terrified child" reasons of my youth. Then because it seemed I was the only one who remembered it. For years through middle school, to high school, all the way through college. I would reminisce about this show to friends who had never heard of it. It was as if this program was my own personal demon, that only I could recollect. Over the course of time, I discovered a Facebook fan group that was eerily deserted & quiet. No communication amongst fans, just an empty discussion page with little to no information. The IMDb page while insightful, is still severely lacking compared to most, other pages on the site. Outside of air dates for the episodes, and a detailed cast/crew list, there's not much relevant information to be gleaned from it. Rumors abound that the show was unceremoniously cancelled once FOX Family was purchased by The Walt Disney Company, due to the show being too edgy for what Disney was going for under the network's new direction as ABC Family. An argument which does not hold up, once you consider that Scariest Places on Earthcontinued to air on the network until 2006.
While I watched Real Scary Stories over the initial years it ran, I never paid that much mind to it, beyond the uneasy nature the show put me in. That would all change come August 2001. I wrote a letter to the address that is featured in the last minutes of the show. Being that I was only 8 years old at the time, the letter was rather "unpolished" or about "par" for an 8 year old. Compared to most letters someone would send a show to get their attention, mine was as plain & patronizing as one could imagine. Mostly me recounting which segments were my (7 year old) nephew & I's favorites. Yet my letter would never be read. A few weeks after I had mailed it, it was returned to me stating, "The address didn't exist." This only added to the lore the show had created for me within my headspace.
Back during ABC Family's 13 Nights of Halloween in October 2002, ten year old me, had the foresight-like wherewithal to tape the four episodes that were airing in this seasonally themed block of programs. Good thing I did, because those four, full episodes on YouTube are the ones I recorded in 2002. Which I then uploaded in August 2011, in order to share with the few people, besides me, that still remember the show. Which has become the bane of Real Scary Stories' existence online.
Ever since I uploaded those four episodes almost 5 years ago, I figured I'd get some sort of new information about Real Scary Stories because of it. Nope! No revelations were brought to the surface. While there have been some people who were involved with the show who have commented on some of the videos, offering a brief word or two regarding their experiences, it's nothing I would call substantial. Mostly behind-the-scenes details that could easily be shared from working on any other project of this ilk. That's not to say I'm not elated each time I see a response from someone who claims to have worked on it, or was featured on the show. I genuinely am! Ultimately though, it just adds to the ever growing mystification of Real Scary Stories.
Jurassic World (2015)
Jurassic World "Rant-View:" Or How "Blue the Velociraptor" is the love interest Christ Pratt deserves
When talking to friends and family about this film I always referred to it as Jurassic Park, because it always looked like a facsimile of the 1993 film. It seemed like they took every touch point from the 1993 film & copied it over to Jurassic World. One of the first shots in JW is that of a complete flyover of the park from the famous Jurassic Park gates, accompanied by the legendary John Williams' theme swelling in the background. In the 1993 film, this was a stirring moment, we were entering the park for the first time, we had no clue as to what was behind those gates, or the chaos those gates were holding back. The gates symbolizing the latch on Pandora's Box. In JW, we get the EXACT SHOT with identical musical cues. Yet the scene has no more than 1/10 of the impact it did in 1993. We know what's going to happen in JW, the awe is gone.
The only facet of JW that improves on JP is the special effects. The visual effects and sets are impressive. The dinosaurs & the actual Jurassic World park look spectacular! At this point, you're probably wondering "What else matters?!" Well
a lot actually. Especially when all of your human characters are less fleshed out than the dinosaurs. One of the many elements that made JP such a classic was its human characters. Each character was developed & felt like a three dimensional person. Even side characters, Samuel Jackson's technician & Wayne Knight's two-bit villain all have character motivations that make their character choices understandable.
In JW not one human character is developed in any meaningful way. Our main hero, Pratt's Owen, is a former Navy Seal & a now dinosaur trainer (these scenes would be "side-splitting" hilarious if it weren't for the dialogue), period. That's it. We know nothing else about him. Other than him & our heroine, Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard), went on an ill-fated first date. When all hell breaks loose in Jurassic World, Claire goes to Owen to save her nephews solely because he's been designated "hero man" by the film's script.
Let's now segue into JW's child characters, Zach & Gray. Zach & Gray are Claire's nephews. Zach is generic teenager #3 & Grey is generic kid who loves dinosaurs. These two serve no purpose other than being a reason for Owen and Claire to venture into Jurassic World. Every scene these two characters share makes absolutely no sense. They're there to be our virgin eyes into Jurassic World, showing us the park for the first time. Except
we've been here before. Jurassic Park already explored the splendors of the dinosaur theme park. It's the equivalent of a friend telling you about the first season of your favorite TV show, which you've watched all 10 seasons of and know the dialogue inside & out. You're essentially being forced to consume something you've already digested.
To say the script is garbage would be generous. The most worthy belongs to Vincent D'Onofrio's Vic wanting to use the Velociraptors as modern infantry. Claiming Velociraptors can't be bartered, hacked, or deterred in their pursuit of their prey. Hence, they are the perfect soldier. Pratt's Owen argues with Vic numerous times over this until the story calls for the (in)famous "Pratt riding a motorcycle with a pack of Velociraptors" shot, then Pratt's character does a complete 180° on the issue, which ultimately fails. I'd go into more detail, but that's spoiler territory.
The best characters of JW are the dinosaurs. Not only because you have empathy for them, but because they are the only characters that are fun. Pratt's four Velociraptors are fun because they each have a name & distinct character traits. "Blue," the leader, & the others follow her lead. Blue plays a critical role in the whole film, especially the climax. Pratt & Blue have more chemistry than any other two character in the film. It can be argued Blue is Pratt's true love interest, in lieu of Claire.
But what are our heroes, unless they have a worthy foe? The "big bad" of JW is Indominus Rex, the first intentionally homicidal animal in a modern blockbuster. You could look at Indominus as the dinosaur version of Jason Voorhees. Indominus kills anything in its path simply because it's "bad." Another baffling decision made by the script. Indominus is eventually taken down by Pratt & his gang of misfits. The climax (one of the few bright spots of the film) is so over-the-top, it will be nearly impossible for the inevitable sequel to top.
To call this film flawed is kind. I love cheesy movies. I love bad movies. There's a charm to something that goes so hilariously "off-the-rails." Yet Jurassic World is not an example of this. Halfway through Jurassic World's 124 minute runtime, I was pretty sure I lost my mind. At numerous points, I could not believe what I was watching was actually greenlit by a multi-billion dollar corporation. Never mind the record breaking box office and audience acclaim it's garnering. If you're still reading this (bless you!) I implore you not to see this movie. I don't even mean at the movie theater, but in general. Go watch Jurassic Park if you're inclined to see Jurassic World. Seen Jurassic Park already? Watch it again! There's nothing Jurassic World can give you that an umpteenth viewing of Jurassic Park can't.
Hell and Back (2015)
Hell & Back "Rant-View:" Or How Susan Sarandon will be in any movie nowadays
Prelude:
My exposure to this film was extremely limited, which is not saying much considering the advertising budget on this film was non- existent. I only saw one commercial, an ad placed on the Adult Swim block of Cartoon Network. The second being a guest appearance of Rob Riggle on E!'s The Soup promoting the film. I was (morbidly) sold on Hell & Back from the moment I saw that ad on Adult Swim. Any Stop Motion film being advertised at 1AM on a Tuesday night definitely has my attention! When I further researched the film, I had a difficult time finding any concrete information on a release platform for the film. The only info available was the October 2ndrelease date. I was convinced this would get an ultra-limited theatrical release, with a VOD release on the immediate horizon in time for Halloween. So when I checked my local movie times last week to see, by any chance, if it would be playing. I was shocked to see it had 4 showings each day. I did not have the opportunity to see it opening weekend, but went the first chance I could, a Monday afternoon. I would have been shocked if I was not the only person in the theater. Boy
Was I spot on!
Plot:
Hell & Back follows the adventures of Remy, Augie, and Curt. Our trio works at a dilapidated amusement park. Augie, the park's handyman, is tasked with fixing the park with no money and even further dwindling attendance. Remy "helps" his friend by talking to the park's fortune teller and taking her "Devil Book." Remy soon discovers the book has a crying Devil page and concocts a scheme to draw people to the amusement park, akin to "Jesus Toast." Soon enough, Remy and Curt make a "blood oath" on the book, over Remy loaning Curt "1 breath mint" (I'm not making this up), and Curt pledging an oath to repay the mint loan, "on the pages of the devil's book." Curt quickly makes it known he has no intention of repaying the mint loan, which leads to him being drawn into a vortex leading straight to the gates of, you guessed it, HELL. Remy and Augie quickly enter the portal to rescue their friend. It is here we are introduced to the realm of Hades. We are introduced to the Devil himself and his Demon-minions who spend eternity torturing the Lost Souls that inhabit this realm. We learn that the devil is really a metrosexual (he even listens to a trendy boy band while in the shower!), who only uses the "giant red horn physique" in order to "motivate the troops (the demons)." It is not long before Remy and Augie's presence is sensed and "Barb the Angel" (an oversexualized angel, voiced by the most marquee worthy actor in the film, Susan Sarandon) is dispatched to return them to the world of the living. Remy and Augie go searching for Orpheus, the Greek Mythological figure, who can save their friend. In the process of searching for Orpheus, Deema appears, a purple-horned, demon-human hybrid, who has her own motives in locating Orpheus. The story goes on from there and you could guess the twists and turns.
Review:
Hell & Back is not anything to get "riled up" over. Is it so awful that the distributing studio (Freestyle Releasing) felt it was such a "lost cause," it dumped the film into theaters without any sort of marketing push? No. Is it a great movie? Also,no. This film would have been heralded as a classic, if it was not for South Park. The film made me laugh once, yet I genuinely enjoyed it. The art design is a cross between MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch and HBO's Crashbox. Nothing groundbreaking, but there are a couple of pieces which are eye-catching. The most notable being the "Devil's Gondola," which has multiple cogs and gears aided by skeleton hands pulling its way across the cables that transverse its home and destination ports. The only stand out characters are the Demons and the Lost Souls they perpetually torture. These scenes are the stand outs of the film and are the few that illicit laughter. One particular scene (which can be found in the trailer), involves a Demon operating a Pizza Hut- Taco Bell dual restaurant, goading a Lost Soul into ordering a pizza, only to inform him, "we don't carry pizza" even though the sign says they do. Scenes like this occur throughout the film (and even over the end credits), yet are few and far in between. Ultimately, the film's detriment lies with its human characters and Deema. One scene involves Remy and Augie ogling Deema, as she disrobes in order to restore proper ballast in a submarine they need to transverse Hell (who knew Hell has water?). I honestly do not know who this scene was meant for? It is an R-rated film, yet wants me to be amused by an animated purple, devil-esque woman parading around in a skimpy cotton outfit. Hell & Back's largest issue is its bipolar tonal shifts. One half of the film is juvenile and tries ever so hard to appeal at a sophomoric audience. The Robot Chicken audience would roll their eyes at a lot of the jokes here. Yet there is subtle, dry humor present, that if you mentally check out long enough, you will miss a good one-liner or two! I am pressed to believe much of the latter stems from ad-libbed lines from the voice cast, which is chocked full of under-appreciated comedians (except Nick Swardson). Hell & Back is the definition of a mixed bag. There is much to dislike about the film, yet there are enough small gems in it, that to the right person will be appreciated. Recommended to stop-motion animation enthusiasts who have a strong sense of patience.
Terminator Genisys (2015)
Terminator Genisys "Rant-View:" Or How Adolescence Destroyed a Franchise
To say I'm a huge fan of the Terminator Franchise would be an understatement. I've been enthralled with this series and its characters since my first exposure to the property in October 2000 on T2:3D at Universal Orlando. I have saved my movie stubs for both Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (the 3rd film) and Terminator Salvation (the 4th film). I have found myself defending these maligned sequels more times than you would think. There are delightfully fun moments in these films that are pure imagination candy to viewers who are not expecting the heir to the Terminator 2: Judgement Day throne. So when I walked into Terminator Genisys this afternoon, I was positively "high" on the concept of having another film to add to the Terminator mythos. Especially one that has the master returning to his throne, Arnold Schwarzenegger was back! Boy
was I in for a shock.
As I mentioned earlier, I am an incredible Terminator fan, so being objective will be difficult. The film is a narrative mess. As someone who has been a "student" of the Terminator mythology, I consider myself an expert on all things Terminator (what a shameful title). While watching TG, I was scratching my head (both figuratively & literally) countless times trying to discover what the characters were trying to do. Eventually, I came to the conclusion the film is trying to emulate T2: JD and when it is not doing that its "spinning its wheels." Most of the plot is lifted directly from T2: JD. The only plot point that is somewhat original is the villain. I will not disclose that, but if you have seen one morsel of marketing material from TG, then you already know the plot twist. Other than that, it is essentially a remake with new actors playing characters that are indelibly etched into our minds by those who portrayed them in the first two films. Our new leads, Emilia Clarke and Jai Courtney, are perfectly serviceable, yet cannot match the intensity of their predecessors. Although these two are not the film's biggest problem it does not help. In addition, the film's largest fault, is its greatest strength: Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Schwarzenegger is phenomenal! Each time his Terminator appeared on screen, I grinned from ear-to-ear. Schwarzenegger's giving this his all and doing everything you would want from him reprising his most iconic role. Yet he is sidelined to 3rd wheel by Clarke's Sarah Connor & Courtney's Kyle Reese. These two are our leads, which is shocking, considering Schwarzenegger was the star of T2 and T3, and his absence from Terminator Salvation is blamed partially on that film's lukewarm reception. This circles back to the film's main issue, its script. For a film that is catering to the Terminator fans, it spends an egregious amount of time harping on plot points we are already aware of as Terminator fans. For the record, I could not fathom seeing this movie as a non-Terminator fan. Its plot is convoluted for no particular reason, especially when you consider this film's driving point is to renew the series, in order to entice new viewers. In my screening, I saw 2 13-year old boys and girls with mom, who was clearly the fan. Unless they were "die-hards" like their mother, I cannot imagine them appreciating anything in the film besides, "Wow, explosions! Can't get that anywhere else this summer."
You are probably figuring I dislike this movie. Absolutely not! I enjoyed Terminator Genisys, albeit I was a little disappointed when I walked out. Yet that is not entirely the film's fault. Being a Terminator fan for almost 15 years, I had envisioned a film in my head that could never come to fruition. As it was solely my vision as to how the story-line should progress. There is quite a lot to appreciate in this film if you are a Terminator fan. As I mentioned, all the Schwarzenegger scenes are stellar, even if they are few and far in between. The highlight scene of Terminator Genisys, a helicopter chase through downtown San Francisco (ironically spoiled in the marketing), contains all the grandiosity it warrants. There is even more Terminator "eye-candy" for die-hards of the franchise that necessitates a theater viewing. Specifically within the first ~30 minutes of the film, where our heroes have to dispatch two terminators. This scene is easily a highlight not only for the film, but for the franchise as a whole.
At the end of the day, Terminator Genisys's largest hurdle is its own fan-base. Most Terminator fans saw The Terminator or T2: JD while in adolescence. Seeing any movie at this age puts it on a pedestal few films, seen in adulthood, could ever reach. Most reviews of Terminator Genisys chide it for not being awful, but also not being a worthy follow up to T2: JD. If you looked at the majority of film critics, you would notice most fall within the aforementioned demographic of "they were introduced to this series between ages 7-15." I can only hope the film-bloggers and critics see the folly in their mindset for this franchise. Once you exit the prism of childhood affinity, you will appreciate much more in life, especially Terminator Genisys!