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Reviews
Frankenhooker (1990)
A love story...with re-animated hooker body parts
Frankenhooker is a very funny B movie 80's horror/comedy classic. James Lorinz is great as the lead. He is a med school dropout trying to bring his girlfriend back to life. He does this by using his method of attaching her severed head onto the body parts of dead hookers. How he goes about collecting the body parts is great. Along the way we meet B-movie characters like Zorro the Pimp. Spike the Bartender. and Frankenhooker's trick. Lorinz's monologue of how he rationalizes (with the help of a well placed drill!) killing to bring his girlfriend back to life is hilarious.
This is movie for people who like B-movies and also have a darker sense of humour.
South Beach (1993)
A horrible movie
I saw this for Gary Busey and Fred Williamson thinking they were buddy cops. They are but Busey is in the opening scene then doesn't show up again until like 40 minutes into the movie. Though every scene he's in is awesome. Especially when he disguises himself as a blind hobo.
What's incredible about this movie is the plot. In the movie Fred Williamson is trying to find out who stalking and killing phone sex operators. At one point I think thats its Busey. But it turns out I'm only partly right. Busey is not the killer, but he is calling up and harassing the women over the phone. Why? I don't know. In no way is he connected to the killer, he just does it for kicks I guess.
Forced Vengeance (1982)
Go ahead, take the mustache ride
Being a Chuck fan for the past month I caught this on cable and wasn't disappointed. Chuck plays Josh Randall, a Hong Kong casino bouncer. I like to look at this as a unofficial prequel to Road House with Patrick Swayze. Mainly because total strangers know him because he's the greatest bouncer ever. Only in this movie he's a loyal casino bouncer, not some sellout to the highest bidder like Dalton in Road House. Plus Chuck isn't afraid to use a gun.
Here are some memorable things to watch out for in Forced Vengeance:
1. Chuck lives on a boat way out in the harbor. This is because Chuck refuses to sleep on anything but American soil.
2. There is a flashback scene where Chuck has no mustache. He of course gets beaten to a pulp in this scene to demonstrate the power of facial hair.
3. Chuck wears many cowboy hats in this movie. People like to step on them to make him angry.
4. About 90% of the tough guys who Chuck beats the crap out of have mustaches. Almost all of these mustaches are noticeably unkempt and some are obvious fakes. This just goes to show if you don't follow proper mustache growing and grooming steps Chuck Norris will destroy you.
5. Chuck fights a sea boat captain, and eventually is forced to shoot him because he's going to miss his ferry boat ride.
6. Chuck catches a homosexual male prostitute in a bed sheet a douses him in lighter fluid and threatens to burn him if his lover doesn't talk and tell Chuck what he needs to know. Chuck then says the smartest man he ever met was a homosexual.
7. Chuck is the only person who thinks it's mean to fire somebody, then force them to leave the premises without any pants.
8. We, the viewers, are treated to the inner monologue of Chucks character. Either that or Chuck was using his telepathic powers to better educate me on what was going on at times during the film. Thanks Chuck!
No need to thank me. So enjoy people!
Steel Dawn (1987)
Good News...Cheese survives the apocalypse!
To be a great Cheese movie in my eyes a movie needs 3 things that all great cheesy movies must have.
-A Montage set to a bad power ballad
-A Misguided, awkward impassioned "get it together" speech by the protagonist
-A star who has a big ego and has since seen his career tank
Luckily the 3rd one's a check.
The plot is basic and simple (as are all cheesy movies). Lone wolf protagonist stands up to powerful bad guy to protect innocent people and do the right thing. With Steel Dawn Swayze's Nomad character roams the dessert, standing on his post apocalyptic head and meditating, and of course fighting post apocalyptic sand people. And then more crap unfolds that doesn't really matter.
What you need to pay attention to in this movie to enjoy its cheesiness are the following:
1. Post apocalyptic 80's hair: Our way of life may have fallen back centuries, but rat-tail mullets and teased hair came out OK
2. Post apocalyptic low budget action: Nothing spells chaos and destruction more so than one flaming garbage can getting kicked over!
3. Post apocalyptic Swayze fight scenes: Genius is the new name of the person who came up with the idea of hiring Swayze's dance instructor to teach him how to fight. Sassy High Kicks
Hooray!
4. Post apocalyptic bad child acting: The kid in this movie is terrible. After seeing this I found out on IMDb he shares the same last name as the director and producer. So now I know why he's in the movie. But bad child acting just means you now have a reason to root for the bad guys.
5. Post apocalyptic snide comments: I found while watching this with friends its really funny to say 'post apocalyptic' when making a bad comment about something in the movie.
In summary, I'm proud to own Steel Dawn. Its earned a spot on the Cheese shelve of my DVD section alongside great like Over the Top, Road House, Eye of the Tiger and Viva Knievel! Beside, this movie is so awful it could provide a much needed boost to the Nuclear disarmament movement.
Cybermutt (2003)
Whoa oh oh oh Cybermutt! He's Dawg-Gone Mangy!
While rummaging thru the old VHS tapes at my local video store I needed one more movie to get the discount along with the 2 others I'd picked. So in my defense Cybermutt only cost me 2 bucks and due to the ongoing heat wave I thought I'd picked a truly great piece of film to spend my Sunday evening. A bionic dog with superpowers! How could I lose? My prediction couldn't have been more off. In my mind I had pictured a dog that could shoot laser beams out of his eyes, pee sulfuric acid and hopefully throw down a mean rap when not out saving the day. Instead Cybermutt can only really run in slow motion and smell jellybeans. Oh yeah and he jumps thru glass windows and chain link fences but only if techno music and jet engine noises are playing in the background.
But at least the makers of this film sparred no expense when it came to the sets and special effects. It really shows when wacky bio-scientist Alex Branson (a self-made gazillionaire as we find out) saves Cybermutt's life with his high tech gadgets. I guess Ikea is the place to shop for cutting edge biotechnology after all.
The acting is wonderful too. I'm Canadian so when a movie is shot in Canada I almost always recognize some actor from Canadian TV or commercials, but for the life of me I didn't recognize anyone but Judd Nelson. The actor who is the restaurant owner is so bad that me and my friend thought he was trying to be Chinese, then Russian, then Italian, then Chinese again, then Mongolian, until finally he starts yelling about Cybermutt eating all of his burritos while standing beside a piñata so we knew now he was supposed to be Mexican.
Anyway Cybermutt was mildly entertaining but only because I found it hit new lows in animal-based hijinks movies (which to be honest I why I got it anyway). But if you under the age of 5 or still wear Velcro shoes I can assure you that Cybermutt won't disappoint you.