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jbarker71
Reviews
Alone in the Dark (2005)
Two Words: Stay Away
Not being a fan of the two other Boll films I've seen- House of the Dead and Blackwoods. I decided to see this film to see if it deserved any of the criticism. And that was a mistake. It was laughably bad from start to finish. Then i started to feel bad that I wasted my time there. THEN i started feeling bad for Christian Slater, who NEEDS a good movie. And Tara Reid, who I feel sorry for because her public image has spiraled down (I was a huge fan of her Bunny Lebowski character in 'The Big Lebowski', even though that wasn't a huge stretch. She's so unbelievably bad. And Stephen Dorff didn't want to be there, it seemed. Why Boll... Why? Why zombies again?! Did you want to fix the HotD mistake? That was a throw-away storyline that didn't serve any point and was BOR-ING. And the Dorff goes down at the end to put the explosive, to blow up some/all of the creatures? and the door that god closed was different than the door opened? No logic here. And the ending- the town is deserted? What? Huh? Who cares.
And the sex scene? It's beyond bad, and beyond out of place. Earlier in the day i had the song 'Seven Seconds' by Youssou Ndour running through my head. THEN i heard it during that sex scene. I knew i was in for trouble. It was some kind of bad omen. If anyone reads this and wants to see how to do a sex scene that is not interesting, out of place, and HURTS the movie, check this out. But if you blink you'll miss it.
Everyone involved in this cinematic mess should apologize. Boll should be put in a room, forced to watch this movie over and over until he pees his pants and promises never to do it again.
Corpses Are Forever (2004)
this movie takes forever
I'm always one to give a zombie movie a chance. This was more of a thriller that had zombies in it. Some zombies. The movie tried to impress upon you that the world had been overrun by zombies (why?), but there was never any tangible sense of fear or terror. This was a total vanity project.
As a newly minted Debbie Rochon fan, I had wanted to see her performance. The homicidal character she portrayed didn't serve much, if any, purpose. It was as though she was there to prop up the main character as a hottie girlfriend, but that was stretching the truth too far. The lead, in the B/W sequences, looked like a high schooler in a home movie. And it seemed like in every scene he was checking his clip for bullets. And the kungfu scenes... woah boy. And dude, keep your shirt on, that Bacardi bat tattoo was too skimpy looking (not bad ass, but ass-bad).
I did like Richard Lynch's over-the-top acting. And, there is something nice about seeing Brinke Stevens and Linnea in another horror film. In fact, I would have enjoyed more seeing Brinke, Linnea, Debbie, and Richard talking about horror films. That would have been interesting. However, this film is truly marred by the deus-ex-machina at the end with Linnea showing up saying "You owe me one (two... three...). In any sequel she would probably show up whenever the heroes were in trouble and bail them out. How unimaginative! Speaking of deus-ex-machina, let's have a serum that induces a flashback and amnesia that has little to do with the story! And let's have a bright white room with no segue to the other scenes.
Why, WHY, does one actor bring up John Carpenter's "They Live"? All of a sudden I was thinking about that film, and how much better it was than Corpses. It took all I had not to turn off the movie then and there. I'm a big fan of indie cinema and horror films, but this film simply falls short in so many ways. Total vanity project- it's as if the writer/director shelled out bucks for some talent and couldn't deliver on the script. The positives? Rochon, Quigley, Lynch, some of the lighting, and the car. The zombies sucked. But I'm sure the cast and crew had a fun old making it.
Hunting Humans (2002)
hunting humans review
I found myself enjoying this. I understand what goes in to an indie production. I know what it's like to work on a low-budget feature. There were some decent twists in the end. AND a good story from start to finish. The low-budget aspects came through quite often, and some of the acting was spotty, but I really respect what the filmmakers were trying to accomplish. I enjoyed Ganz's acting.
The bad- for the most part was the sound mix. It sucked, you could pick out where sound tracks were added- not much was seamless. I don't know if this was shot on 16mm or super -16, but you could often hear the camera sound. Until I heard the camera sound i thought iit was shot on a cheap miniDV cmaera. i don't know why the footage looks below average, but it wasn't too distracting.
But i'd have to say that the orchestral score ROCKED. it was great. don't know where you got it, but it was really good.
Ultimately I respect what the filmmakers were doing, and I say keep rockin'. There was a good story here. Just get better actors and a better camera next time. Rick and Kevin rock, though.
Blackwoods (2001)
take me to your Blackwoods
I picked this out because it was a thriller set in the woods. Then i found out it was by Uwe Boll. I had seen 'HofD' sometime previous. 'Blackwoods' to me was a lot of style but with substance that fell short. technically it was pretty good. though, after the umpteenth flash forward and flash back... it got to be a chore. they were flogging a dead horse at that point.
i found myself thinking about michael pare- i hadn't seen anything since 'streets of fire'. he was very solid here. muldoon, on the other hand, has been slumming since 'starship troopers'. i always enjoy clint howard, though.
It's any wonder Boll went on to 'house of the dead' after this. There is some promise here. but ultimately the ending caused a shrug, and made me think of 'sixth sense'.
Bleed (2002)
Ain't got time for 'Bleed'
Another case of a decent DVD case betraying the shot-on-video quality of the film.
It wasn't that bad. Rochon does a serviceable job and Damn! The cast is good looking. I've never seen that many musclebound guys hang out together on a regular basis. This movie really wanted to make you think Rochon was the killer, but it was not to be. My biggest problem with the film was that by the end, I didn't much care who was the killer, and the real killer made little sense, since it was out of the blue and the filmmakers were thinking 'ha, betcha didn't see that one coming, sucker!'. Yeah, there were continuity errors about (mainly with ms. Rochon's ever-changing wardrobe), but for an indie slasher it's not that bad. I was pretty sure at the beginning it was just a thinly veiled excuse for girls to go topless, but that was just a gimmick. The dialog was overly think and painful at times.
Just don't have high expectations going into this, and it won't be that bad. And Lloyd Kaufman's cameo is wonderfully understated.
In the Woods (1999)
Who let the monster dog out?
This movie's plotting, pacing, dialog, action, and acting were so bizarrely strange, i don't know what to think. Any dialog snippet from any 5 minute segment has its own howlers. To with: "I'm gonna take leave of the fire station. And I can come help you at the pet store. and you can show me the difference between the gerbils and hamsters". Woah!
The cop had the best line "I'll tell ya what we got- s**t is what we got". This could be a cult film. You just cannot watch this sober. You need as many friends along to cheer the action along. I thought the cinematography was decent, with the traveling shots. Production design was less than inspired. The dialog was so inept it hurt. The sound mixing was okay, though it felt like everything was ADR'd and foleyed. This film CANNOT be compared to Blair Witch. BWP was much better done, and was a completely different kind of movie. Very little of this film took place in the woods. Maybe 'In the Woods' was a reference to the style of acting (wooden). Something i noticed with the short running time is that certain shots and scenes held out a little longer than needed. I'm wondering if that was to pad out the run time. If so, it hurt the pacing of the film. See at your peril. You have been warned.
Dead Above Ground (2002)
what did i just watch?!
Stephen Cannell?! The man behind the A-Team? And my favorites "Rip Tide" and "Wiseguy"? This... TURKEY... is an example of what the poorest written low-budget horror film would look like. I mean, a team of monkeys could do better than this.
I've seen many, many horror flicks, and this rates so far down there. It's completely unwatchable. I mean, there's no payoff anywhere. It's an insult to view. Even worse that George Lucas was drawn into this for no reason. Worse, the acting, characters, story, dialog, plot, and everything else just suck, suck, suck.
On the positive side, if you're looking to make a horror film yourself, view this film to see how NOT to do it. If you have an idea that's even a little better than this one, you can be one- up on Cannell himself. Speaking of which, WHY was he even in this film? He looked like this old dude in a film that presents a plot SO implausible... it's an insult. To whit: the coach gets fired, yet hangs around the parking lot to harass a teacher (Cannell), and he doesn't do anything about it. The best part of the film is Sabato, Jr, though you have to wonder why he had anything to do with this piece of detritus.
The original title was "Director's Cut", and according to Cannell's website the movie would allow them to "experiment with new narrative ideas, visual styles and different approaches to editing". Also on the website "We were really stepping out," said Bowman. "So we needed to keep absolute creative control." Uh, yeah. Just promise me never, EVER do it again.
Pep Squad (1998)
nicely done.
Chanced across this indie gem and it was pretty good. The 'thing' i liked the most was the cinematography and the style of the action. There's definitely a vision here. And a lot was done with the found locations and the normal locations used for good effect (the laundromat). The acting was somewhat stilted in places, but I liked that people looked like real people. I had rented 'mean girls' at the same time, and i have to say i liked this one better. Darker and with more bite. And the 'pool' performance art scene- priceless!
The characters were waayyy to over the top and melodramatic in places. But they had their own styles, and was really nicely done. Scriptwise this was good in parts, but the broader themes of having something to say, and trying to be heard and understood by adults in high school- and the title of prom queen being really hotly contested? This was more effective than a parody. I really like 'Jawbreaker', but this was considerably better.
Great use of Kansas locations- where the people correctly say 'Pop', not 'Soda'.
This film wasn't perfect, but the vision behind, the direction, and the shooting style raises it above normal.
The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra (2001)
I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats
This was a fun, fun sci-fi movie. Solid story and solid camp acting. I loved, loved, loved the dialog! The cast and crew really cared about this project, and it showed. They looked like they had a great time putting this together and were fun to watch.
The skeleton rocked! "I go to sleep". This was sublimely absurd, and it worked well. I'm a big fan of MST3K, and this film is a result of wanting to do a serious 50s style alien sci-fi film- which of course comes off as a total fun camp film.
The Hazing (2004)
not half bad
Have always been a fan of Brad Dourif. He's used well here, even though he's not in much of the film. tiffany shepis puts in a good performance, adding to her rep as a nouveau scream queen. the director made a nice entry into the horror canon, even with the demonic mumbo-jumbo. shepis and nectar rose are well used and an fine form. The combination of space suite and bunny outfit stole every scene they were in. The cunnilingus scene was handled fairly well, too. Some of the effects were hit and miss- the cheap effects looked like cheap FX. However, the acting, shot selection, and lighting were really well done- helped elevate the film to the level of a decent horror film. A nice effort all around. This is nothing we haven't seen before- but was very well done and not a total waste of time, which says a lot. Good job to everyone involved.
Near Death (2004)
Is this Ghostbusters III?
"I loved you, now I'm going to kill you"
This movie has so many priceless moments like that, it's hard to know where to begin. I don't think the ghosts are so much Ghosts, as people who've eaten too much black cherry jello brand gelatin who sneer and make noises like growling dogs. Check out the dime-store novelty cobwebs. And at the end, when the woman's face is torn off- check out the mouse in the mouth! Funny! And the exorcism? Woah... someone call William Friedkin! Also enjoy the exterior establishing shot obviously manipulated to be day and night, to poor effect. And whoops- the priest died... oh well. My other favorite was the golden-foil wallpaper them: brilliant art direction. The cheap digital effects made you feel like you were watching cheap digital effects (the Death of Heinrich scene). I spent most of the film trying to figure out how the actors were talked into doing this piece. 'Billy' had the best approach and neither over or underacted.
I'll give these guys an A for effort, but I don't plan on watching another Castro effort, nor could I recommend this to anyone. It's as though the filmmakers said "let's marry our favorite films- 'Sunset Boulevard', 'Evil Dead', and 'Scooby Doo', but without a dog". The lighting was absolutely horrible- felt like you were watching a poorly lit home vido.
Serial Killing 4 Dummys (2004)
Some nice stuff here, but...
It's nice to see Thomas Haden Church doing some work, as his performances are always good. On top of everything- this film was well made, I thought. Cinematography, acting, and the editing. The music wasn't my favorite, in places (check out the White Zomby rip-offs).
I spent most of the movie wondering why Lisa Loeb was there, and wondering why she was in a high school flick, when she'd be in her 30s. She and the Casey character acted quite well, I thought.
Favorite line was was the coach talking about how someone couldn't hide up a rope in a large gymnasium. Not that that's really a cliché (hiding up a rope), but this movie didn't really deconstruct serial killers (sure, it profiled them), as it was a comedy first and foremost and a gore flick somewhere later.
Oh, so THAT'S why they were throwing frisbees...
Cabin Fever (2002)
Almost, but not quite
I really wanted to like this. But it turned out to be too much of a wink-wink homage to some of the greats. If it's goal was to re-invent the genre, it didn't quite measure up. No wonder it took Roth so long to get this made. While I'm impressed that he did manage to get it completed and distributed, it's fairly easy to see where he went wrong. Roth seems to know the genre quite well, but he's not able to advance the genre. This was more of a gore film than a scary thriller.
It's too bad Roth couldn't come up with an explanation of where the flesh-eating virus came from. And Paul having sex with Marcy? No... The wonderful Avie Verveen was very underused (though there wasn't much he could actually do). Any 'cabin in the woods' needs a plot device to disable the car. Here it was... WEAK! And a way to explain the gun. Here it was... WEAK! None of the characters were likable. Was happy when all of them died. Jordan Ladd was some nice eye candy, as was Cerina Vincent. DeBello's character was a one-note overdone awful character. Kern was simply there.
And the 'nigger' joke at the end? Didn't add anything to the film. Other than that, i thought the technical aspects of the film were nicely done, but the film does nothing new for the horror genre, cause we've seen it elsewhere, done better.
And a specially thanks to Eli Roth for not discussing the film-making proceess of 'Cabin Fever'.
House of the Dead (2003)
Island of the dead
This has never happened, but i found myself forwarding through the action scene to see them finally get to the house. That NEVER happens because I LOVE ACTION and GUNS and SHOOTING. It just kept going on and on. It was nice to see Jurgen Prochnow doing something... anything, even in this pointless exercise. Y'know, it looked like there were a lot of smart, talented people working on this, an sort-of established director with a 'vision', a decent FX house, a producer who cared about the project, a modest budget, some decent locations, and some good art direction. What went wrong? Oh, there was zero plot, too much video game violence, zero character development, a paper-thin excuse for a historical backstory, and stupid video game images spliced in. Why? As if to say "look, it looks like the game!". So now we delve into the well-known depths of unrealistic video game violence that cribs too much from the style of 'the matrix'. Why? what's the point here? None, no point, and no reason to see the film, other than Ona Grauer's slo-mo jiggling at the end of the film. Other than that- waste 'o time.
Briar Patch (2002)
Take a shower, for the love of god!
Really liked the acting and the cinematography of this film. Some real standout performances by Arie Verveen, Henry Thomas, and Dominique Swain. This movie portrayed the grim, gritty and DIRTY lives of these southerners quite realistically. The art direction was quite nice- and i really liked Henry Thomas' shirts- his character had a great sense of fashion, incidentally. I wasn't quite able to really, really get into the story, the pacing was a little slow. It was nice to see the development of the Flowers character by the end, again beautifully acted by Verveen as subtle and low key. I kept waiting for Swain's character to wash her hair and change her bandage but... it worked well for the denouement in the rain. The most striking thing about the film is the cinematography. Some really nice work here.
S.I.C.K. Serial Insane Clown Killer (2003)
but no clowns were killed
this was about what i expected- a low/no budget slasher flick that was serviceable. The best thing i liked was the story. I liked the use of flashback, and editing for the most part worked. Some of the acting was stiff. And there were only a few kills throughout. In the end after thinking about it, it didn't make much sense, but during the time it was somewhat fun. The biggest problem i had was that it's completely derivitive. We've seen it all before,
Looks like it was shot on video, so it really looks like your watching a video. The filmmakers hearts were in the right place, and it looks like they know something about distribution. This could have been a lot worse than it was, and I'm quite curious why the hot chick in the bar was there, other than just for show. A few too many plot and logic holes made it difficult to suspend disbelief, but there were some nice things with this film.
Blood Reaper (2004)
an exercise in horror
The film is just that- an exercise in horror. Poorly executed, sure, but this is technically a film. I commend the filmmakers that they got a crew and cast together and finished this, but, it's just of the worst quality. We've seen it all before. And it's like it was shot with a $300 consumer miniDV camera. What I did enjoy, I really enjoyed- the creepy horror music and the DVD case- they both get A's. The campfire scene with the country singer was strange. The 'waking up and the killer is sitting outside' was weird. So was the scene with the director as sheriff walking through the forest with the reaper creeping around. The sped up footage of the woman getting in the boat (verged on Benny Hill territory there). And the creeper's shack... I could go on and on. This film is an inspiration to would-be horror auteur's because you too can pull off something like this.
No doubt this gave the cast/crew a couple weekends of fun to pull off, but it needs to be better all around.
The Limit (2004)
good performances
An interesting story here, with some standout performances by Claire Forlani, Pete Postlewaite, and Henry Czerny. It's always fun to see Lauren Bacall, and she still has style and finesse. I rented this because I am a big fan of Forlani, and this was a great roll that was different than a supporting 'hot babe' type. She also pulls off a NY accent pretty well, for a brit.
Ah, the ending... the ending didn't quite work for me. The flashbacks weren't confusing, just demanding to keep you on your toes. Monica should have shot her way out at the end, and her fate was unfortunate.
This film had some elements (key word- some) of 'trainspotting' and 'donnie brasco' but doesn't pull those heroin addict and undercover cop elements off as well.
Bottom line- great performances, but story could have been better. Direction was pretty good and the film 'looked' good, the DP was worth his salt.
The Dogwalker (2002)
great indie flick
I saw this at the Santa Fe Film Festival while volunteering, and I'm really glad I stayed and watched it! I really like the idea of dark, tarnished characters and Diane Gaidry's portrayal of a women trying to leave her past behind and start fresh was very compelling. She does find redemption in a very non-trivial way