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Reviews
Todd Glass: Act Happy (2018)
Genius performance
Todd Glass is a comedian whose name is suspended marginally, and maybe not even on a conscious level, above the wash of total media input experienced over the last 37 years of existence. He's a talent from the early 2000's, maybe even the 90's; a youtube video from the past, or maybe a special you saw that one time late at night on old school comedy central. In short, he's an answer to a trivia question you wouldn't be able to actively recall if your life depended on it.
Well, let me tell you, this special is his magnum opus. Undeniably funny, truly laugh out loud funny to a man who doesn't find too much funny these days. His delivery here is completely transformed; it's like a free thinking exercise. Erratic and constant, coherent narrative peppered with fragmented thoughts on passing interests and observations, all done while simultaneously piloting a backing band like he's Sinatra on the Las Vegas strip. Cool and in control.
It's a masterclass on comedic writing and performance. There are even insightful moments, messages I found truly touching, expressed in such a genuine way to the audience, and then BAM! back to the material, the people are here for the jokes. We got jokes for you ladies and gentlemen! Despite concealment by a very loose and freewheeling delivery, it's still clear that this is meticulously hand-crafted fruit from a lifetime's work as an on-the-road, blood, sweat, and tears, comedian. I wish him all the best luck and look forward to his future work.
Instinct (1999)
Delusional and cringeworthy in its sappiness
This movie is almost unbearable. It is impossible for me to accept Cuba Gooding Jr's character; his lines are so bad. Like he's just completely fallen in love with the good dr (Hopkins) and his gorillas. That mushy goodbye to Hopkins towards the end, His "knowing" smile at the end as he repeats "You'll never find him", like he shares in anyway what Hopkins has done, raising his interlocked wrists in a display of his willingness to be arrested for the gorilla cause (what?), like he's been given the key to some life changing secret; it's all so very pathetic and impotent. This is a Cuba at his most impressionable and feminine; it's almost kind of funny.
That covers sappy, now here's the delusional. The movie says nothing, NOTHING, yet acts like it's so very profound, like uttering the obvious aloud would only cheapen the experience because of it's uniqueness. The secret is, we are not in control; there, now you can go live your lives with renewed purpose, smiling mischievously to fellow passersby who are also in the know. How is this message supposed to help one iota everyone who is forced to live the rat race on a daily basis? Money may not seem very enlightening, but it's what puts food on the table and a roof over our head, and it seems more and more work is becoming necessary just to have the money necessary for humble assurances like these at the end of each day.
Oh Lord; I just finished the last 5 minutes, and I'm sorry I did. Cuba standing in the rain, finally free from his illusions, and Hopkins walking off into the jungle, nevermind how he got there, and WHY we have no resolution with his daughter. Like, why stress about the details man? Life's too short, and there are far too many monkeys out there to love. It seems Hopkins and Cuba bonded more than Hopkins ever did with his daughter, but it's OK because she's loving and she'll understand. The end :)
The Awakening (2011)
So Disappointing
I feel numb after watching this on netflix, and I'm just blown away by reading all the positive reviews afterwards. It seems it's no longer possible to make a good movie, and it's pretty clear the reason why is that the majority of us no longer remember what a good movie is! I'm 35 for Christ sake, not 80.
This movie started out great; everything was going good. It had a certain direction, and I was eager to see where it would lead. Then about midway through everything is flushed down the crapper. This is well before the twist at the end too, which itself was utter crap. I'm incapable of going into anymore detail, because that would require more time than this movie deserves. What little mind I have left just won't allow it.
It Follows (2014)
A little tease of a movie
The premise is actually very refreshing and promising. It invites all sorts of delicious possibilities that a true horror fan, one who doesn't need to be smacked upside the head, can appreciate. A girl has sex with her new boyfriend, who then for no explanation knocks her out and ties her up. My eyes start to roll as I assume I've wandered into a torture-porn horror flick, but NO. He drops the bomb: there's a thing chasing him, but that has now ended because he just passed it on to HER. He explains he had a fling a few weeks ago and ever since this entity has been stalking him; It can take the form of any person, strangers and loved ones alike. Its most distinguishing feature in all its forms is that it walks slowly, deliberately, and directly towards you at all times, never taking its eyes off you.
The only way to get rid of it, he tells her, is to have sex with another in order to pass it on. It walks, slowly, so it's easily outran, but the thing is that it never stops ... NEVER. THAT is the core of true horror, the torturously slow inevitability of death.
Unimaginative minds could see this as a shallow plot, but no - as the pieces fall into place you realize that this is really one hell of an idea. First, a few key pieces: 1) the thing cannot be seen by those who have not at one time had it, 2) Once you've had it, you can always see it, regardless if you're the one it's after or not, and 3) if it succeeds in killing its target, then it kills the person that had it prior, then the one prior to that, and so on and so forth.
You must have sex with another in order to escape it, but at the same time you know that you're basically handing over a death sentence to whoever you sleep with. Kind of heavy for anyone with a conscience. This explains so much of what can be taken as bad acting in the beginning: mainly why the boyfriend didn't seem very enthusiastic during the act with our protagonist. Dude looked like he was being inconvenienced by having that beauty love him.
Secondly, you realize that whoever you have sex with needs to pass it on. If they don't then it's back to you. SO you can't pick just anybody out of desperation, whomever you pass it onto needs to be attractive, easily able to bang somebody else down the road. This also means that you're forced to have that awkward "Hey btw some monster will be stalking you from now on, best to have sex with someone else as soon as possible" after-sex talk.
With these pieces in play, we're all set to learn more about this thing! Can it be killed? If so, how - bullets? Drowning? Fire? Electricity? Or perhaps logic: What would happen if the current target has sex with a past target, and the past target is killed before they can pass it on? As the IT circles back on its past targets it will inevitably come to a gap caused by already killing the repeat target. What does it do then? Does that end the curse, or does it simply hop the gap and go to the next closest in line? Where did it come from, HOW FAR BACK DOES THIS THING GO?! I mean its origin story could've been EPIC.
These possibilities, along with the usual enticing possibilities that come into play once it's known the thing can take the form of people you know and love, are never truly explored. The closest we get to fulfilling any of this potential is a son humped to death by his bare-chested, alcoholic mother (The thing of course) - which I got to say was pretty effectively chilling.
Only one imaginative idea was tried in killing it; they set up a trap at the local high school (college?) swimming pool, encircling it with all sorts of plugged in appliances. I thought that was brilliant, and was on the edge of my seat to see how it would play out. I mean, could this thing swim? Is it possible to electrocute something in an Olympic sized swimming pool? Well, we're never shown because the thing starts walking around the pool kicking in all the appliances. Our protagonist doesn't fry, but it looked like all of them might've became unplugged when they were thrown, but who the hell knows.
It was underwhelming. The thing had never showed intelligence (or really any will for that matter) before; it mindlessly stalks its prey regardless of the surroundings. Here all of a sudden it knows of electrocution and foils the plan by throwing all appliances into the pool. It's nonsensical on another level too, because if the protagonist dies by electrocution, then it surely would no longer be possible to hump the life out of her, now would it? This felt about halfway through the movie, but it abruptly ends soon afterwards. An awkward sex scene with her platonic male friend; they're walking down the street holding hands; could that be it far behind them?; credits roll. Lots of unfulfilled potential. We never know what happened between her and those guys at the beach. Seems she had sex with one, but if she did IT must've killed him pretty quickly afterwards. A Bullet has no effect earlier in the movie, but there by the pool we're expected to believe there's a chance it's dead? And if there's no chance it's dead, then the ending isn't open-ended, it's simply nonexistent.
Not a keeper, but it exercised my imagination, and there were a number of scenes I found really lol funny. ("Be back for dinner dad!" to the naked guy standing on her roof). I suggest you see it.
MasterChef Junior (2013)
Awkward, Artificial, Adorable
Being a fan of Masterchef, I felt compelled to share my thoughts after watching episode 1 of Junior Masterchef:
The first thing that hit me was how obnoxious all 3 judges have become! I mean GOOD GOD, why are they trying to be so playful and cute here? It's like this show is the tinytoons of MasterChef. And when they're not acting ridiculously cartoonish, they're coming off just plain awkward, or even intimidating in some cases! Ramsey playing with the Asian girl's stupid bow, or him playing cupid - inquiring a 12 year old about her love life (wth was that about?), or Graham's stone-faced "WHY ARE YOU CRYING?".
The commentary is smack you in the face pandering (their repeated murmurings of disbelief about how challenging the task is for kids so young, or how "this is CRAZY", or asking "So you've never worked in ITALY?" or "Do you wear that shirt when you're gambling?"). The notion that these are normal kids picked out from a street campaign is also ridiculous. Of course I'm just assuming this is how they were selected because the who, where, and how part of this abortion was skipped altogether. One thing is clear though, these are NOT normal kids.
It was like they were conditioned from birth to perform - all of them. One girl said how she really didn't like cooking with organs, another said that she started working with homemade pasta at 4! In what kind of a privileged, silver-spooned world do 4 year olds dabble in homemade pasta? Are these kids Brad n Angelina's - are they a Trump?? Even with a privileged upbringing assumed, their skill is still too unrealistically high. We have 7-12 year olds here; each one of them finished the challenge with a respectable dish, one I'd feel lucky to eat ... it's clear they've had, and ARE currently receiving, plenty of guidance from JMC personnel.
So senseless. This is a high-pressured environment, a cooking contest, where even professionals can get sloppy and make mistakes, yet we have 7-12 year olds handling knives and full-blown boiling water, and there's large equipment tucked away on high shelves with no stepping stools anywhere in sight (except at the cooking stations). All the while, the parents gawk on from above like jack-assed, pastel wearing goons.
It's commendable how much importance the judges place on protecting the kids' feelings, too bad it's done with no grace. They give the slightest hint of a suggestion of a critique, making the viewer and kid think there's nothing to be alarmed of, then they immediately counter it with a very unconvincing, almost sarcastically upbeat "great job :)!!" - making it clear just how dissatisfying they actually find the dish to be. It was soon clear that this was the judges' "tell" whenever they dropped the axe on an innocent.
Yes, after all this clumsy care for the kid's emotional welfare, they throw it all out the window by inexplicably and somewhat arbitrarily sending half of them home. 12/24 little lambs were slaughtered in a blink of Ramsay's eye! And for what Ramsay .. FOR WHAT??! Well, for the trophy of course, that hunk of plastic that's designed to bring these bright-eyed children to each other's throats.
A couple of observations: 1) Alexander is the ringer, a 30 year old executive chef planted within JMC. 2) Jack is the coolest, that kid says what he feels. 3) You have the BALLS to send Nathan home Ramsay? Dude's 7 years old, he could barely pick up the food processor he was required to use, and STILL put out a dish that was restaurant quality. 4) I hope there are elimination rounds coming up ... (shrug).
Dèmoni 2... l'incubo ritorna (1986)
Pretty Bad .. Not in a Good Way Either
Based on some positive reviews listed here, I decided to download Demons 2. The reviewers in favor of this movie say that the demon series can never be listed alongside truly great movies, and its the cheese, the gore, and the little spurts of magic that only Argento can provide that makes the series so good. Well, I agree. The first was definitely something special in that regard. The start of Demons 2 looked really promising, but everything from about 30 minutes on was just plain awful. From the acid blood scene on. I mean this movie felt like it was about 3 hours long. All of a sudden, all of the precious 80's cheese was gone, and what remained was just bland filler.
There were a lot of bad parts, but I MUST speak about two of them. First, the 30 minutes devoted to that squealing demon baby was mind numbingly lame. I don't even understand why they had the little demon kid transform in the first place. That kid looked freaky as hell! But just when he's about to do away with the pregnant girl, he drops onto the kitchen floor and transforms into the LAMEST demon doll you're ever seen. Maybe if the damn thing did more than just squeal and smile it wouldn't have been so bad ... it couldn't even walk/run for Christ sake. It's main move was flying through the air in a standing position ... ala old school Godzilla films. About 15 minutes in I found myself desperately rooting for the girl to finish the thing off. It just kept coming back! Lol I guess somebody loved it.
The second thing I have to point out is the ending ... jeez Louise. Lol I am completely numb by this point, far past caring what happens ... and to who, let alone WHY. The hero decides to repel down the building with his pregnant girlfriend in tow. Just when he hits the bottom the birthday girl comes swimming down the line after them. He stabs her with a pole and she dies. They then wander into a nearby TV station to seek shelter. Surprise! 2 minutes after he poles the demon chick, she revives herself and comes stumbling into the TV station. A super lame turn of events, but what's lamer? The fact that she did absolutely nothing but show us she was blind (?), and then lay down and die. The end. The whole TV station scene seems weird and misplaced, it's like it would make a nice middle for another movie all together.
ANYONE who is saying this movie is even half-way comparable to the first Demons is either an idiot, or someone who has never seen the first movie! No where close people!