Reviews

I'll get to the point: I have never watched a film where the villain has been so sympathetic and the protagonists have been so despicable.

The storyline is this: Depression era America. Jumped-up college drop out Jakob runs away and joins the circus. He is taken under the wing of August, the circus owner who gives him a job, food and board. Jakob repays this kindness by embarking on an affair with August's wife Reece (Witherspoon, I cant remember her characters name right now).

But what is so terrible about August? What makes him worthy of this betrayal?

He pokes an elephant.

Yes, there is a scene where August is training their newest star, Rosie the Elephant and he prods her a few times with a metal poker. Now the act does look violent to the soft-headed viewer, but this is a bloody elephant we are talking about! Their hide is several inches thick. Trust me, compared to the savagery of the jungle in which her kind evolved, these pokes would barely register.

In another scene, August beats the elephant to its knees and we are supposed to believe this makes him the villain. But this has to be the weakest fanny of an elephant in existence, being floored by a mere man. Frankly, Rosie is an embarrassment to her species.

And to Rosie I say this: I'm sorry you were born in depression America and not the forests of India, but born into the depression you were and there is only one law of this human jungle: make money or starve. So I'm sorry that you were born a circus elephant, but this wasnt any fault of August's. He is the only thing stopping you from starving, because in a country where people struggle to feed their own livestock, an elephant would be soon for slaughter.

Then there's Reece, August's wife. Rescued by August from presumably a life on the game and turned into a star, Reece actually has a very comfortable life. If she is being abused mentally or physically by August, the director does a crappy job of showing this. If August is cheating on her, it is never implied. He seems to love and care for her well enough. He does beat her when he finds out she's having an affair with Jakob but by this point in the movie I'm on his side to be honest.

Poor August. Here he is with the stress of a traveling circus on his shoulders. He is employing hundreds of unskilled labourers during a time where work is thin on the ground. And their thanks to him is to talk bad about him behind his back, slander him just because he wants his animals trained enough to not attack the crowds. They say no good deed goes unpunished and in August's case that couldn't be more true.

The story is told in a Notebook-style flashback - an old man recollecting his youth. At the beginning of the movie Jakob laments that he has five children and none of them care enough about him to let him live with them. Well, Jakob, maybe that's because you're a really selfish jerk.

This review is brought to you by that oh-so potent drug,

Don't be fooled by its nona-centric release date, this is very much an 80's Film. 'Slander!' I hear you cry. 'How dare you make such accusations!... PROOF!' You demand.

Much like the jury of a dearly-loved Australian,wobble-board playing artist and television presenter who stands accused of a misdemeanour which would ruin childhoods everywhere should said allegation be true, you want hardcore evidence before you go and condemn this innocent dear of such a horrific crime.

Well, it's called Timecop. It's about time travel. There's a character whose credited name is 'Rollerblades'. It stars Jean Claude van Damme. GUILTY!

Ah, Jean Claude van Damme. With his Germanic looks and Dutchy-Frenchy name, he is somewhat of an enigma wrapped in a riddle. He's good looking, but not sexy. He's an actor, but he cannot. He's trained in martial arts. Yet he is neither a marshal nor an artist. Though on this final point we must rest.

As our protagonist of the hour, JCvD uses this movie to bust a few martial arts moves. Karate chops, splits, roundhouse kicks - you name it, he did it. No doubt the execs at MGM were holding their portly bellies and laughing heartily when they found out JCvD was willing to throw in all his best Kung-fu moves for his role. 'Just think of the female viewership!' they must have laughed. 'They'll be flocking for miles to see this action; we'll be raking it in!' Well, this action may appeal to some, but it isn't really my cup of tea. I've always thought there was something a bit gay about a man doing the splits. Call me a sexist homophobe (or splitophobe?), but a split man just looks wrong.

Timecop has given us one of the greatest lines ever to be uttered in a time-travel movie: 'Obviously we can't go to the future, because it hasn't happened yet.'

Obviously, Low-budget Morgan Freeman. Obviously.

The worst thing is, the bloke's got a point.

But if the logical observances of Discount Mo-Free aren't selling it to you, know this: The entire movie is worth watching just to see 1994's idea of a future car. Like every single Hollywood prediction of the to-come, it is ridiculous. One theory I have is that the set designers were a dry-humoured bunch of rascals who, upon being asked to design a 'futuristic car', decided to see just how stupid they could make it before the studio drew the line. No line was drawn.

I say this because it's hard to believe that people of the nineties actually envisioned the automobile industry entering style de-evolution, where boxy, unnecessarily large, unshapely monstrosities of vehicles were actually all the rage. Then again, if you've seen the latest mini-cooper model, it wasn't actually a discreditable prediction.

I watched this movie circa six months ago, and I was unsure whether to do a review after so much time has passed. Would I still recall the plot? Would my review be impeded by the details I'd have surely forgotten? Then I realised I had no idea what was going on even when I was watching the damn movie, so time will have been no impeder on the quality of my review. For it was never going to be good.

Look, I don't know what this film is about. I never have done and I never will do. It's an 80's throwback for goodness sake! Or perhapsjust perhapsI was wrong. Maybe this movie is not an 80's film, but a tribute to them. It was created two years after the explosive, game-changing release of Reservoir Dogs - a movie which signalled the dawn of a new era in filmmaking. The nineties had arrived, bringing story lines which were both complex but also completely plausible, and characters with depth and personality. Whilst most revelled in this evolution, it's easy to sympathise with those who harked back for the simple bygone days of Goody v Baddie feuds, car chases, renegade cops and extreme vigilantism. It is all so clear now: Timecop is a love letter to that wonderful, ridiculous decade.

And if Timecop is an homage to the 80's, this review, in turn, is a concomitant salute.

1980-1989: You made us laugh, you made us sigh. It's been a blast. Thanks for the memories.

This universe is full of mind boggling questions - Is there a higher force controlling our destiny, or are we at the mercy of nothing but science? Is there Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence out there in this vast universe, or is Life on Earth nothing but a glitch, an accidental heartbeat in the otherwise dead vacuum of space? How has Alec Baldwin made a career as an actor?

Let it never be said that I dislike Alec Baldwin - Au Contraire, I have the highest respect and admiration for a man who, with a deficit of both looks and talent, has forged a living in the most vacuous and saturated industry in the world.

Alec Baldwin wakes up from an accident and cant remember anything. The plot then dallies around a bit, before coming to an ending so ridiculous, you wonder if the screenwriters had a dare to see how absurd they could make the movie before the execs said 'NO'. Al dresses in a tux and fires a gun at one point, but that scene doesn't really fit with the movie. I have a sneaking suspicion that he forced a clause into his contract that went something like. 'During one scene, Alec Baldwin gets to dress sharp and fire a gun and do some cool action moves like jumping from a window or Kung Fu the baddie'. I imagine he wrote the clause with James Bond, Bourne or Scarface in mind - Cool, suave, Deadly. Well, whatever the clause was, it didn't work. Alec Baldwin plays a James Bond character so awkwardly, you actually think he is English. I mean really awkward. At one point I genuinely thought he was going to apologise to the baddie for shooting at him.

This is a bad version of Unknown, which in turn is a bad version of The Bourne Identity. In fact, In the hierarchy of Amnesia movies, Second Nature is a Lowly Peasant, Living hand-to-mouth in a windowless cellar apartment located behind a noisy train station . The best that can be said in this analogy is that at least it hasn't hit rock bottom. It has a short fall to go before it is the homeless tramp, hanging out in public toilets and offering sexual favours in return for a swig of scrumpy. Oh yes, this memory-loss movie is not '50 first Dates'.

After the movie, I reeled off a number of questions that the movie raised and never answered. I would repeat the list here but I only have 1000 words. The amount of questions this movie creates are only outnumbered only by the amount of clichés that it crams in. From the scene at a high society ball, where the villain looks down from a balcony at the carefree guests, to the Rocky Balboa Training montage, where Baldwin bulks up over one night. Then again, If you're looking for ground-breaking originality, you wouldn't have bought a film from the Bargain bin, where this movie was undoubtedly resting before it was picked up by your spendthrift fingers and brought home to watch. But not before checking out the reviews, just in case it really is awful. Still, If Alec Baldwin, A flimsy storyline and a 5.8 star review on IMDb isn't going to stop you, I certainly won't. So, to summarise: Second Nature: The lowlight of action movies, the highlight of Baldwin's Career.

Just when you think you've seen every vigilante theme covered, Hollywood pulls this out of the bag. The baddie from Rocky IV (who I'm sorry to say has NOT aged well) writes, shoots, directs, casts, produces, finances, edits, set designs, gaffers and stars in this unique story David v Goliath.

When MM (missionary man) rolls up on his Vespa to the quiet town of *insert town name*, all the locals know about him is that he drinks tequila. straight. All he knows about them is that the native Indians of the town (dressed in costumes so offensively stereotypical, they go past the point of being offensively stereotypical and return to full authenticity) are being asked kindly but firmly to move site by the local government committee, in order to make way for a casino, which would bring wealth, jobs and tourism to the area.

MM soon makes friends with one native Indian family who have just lost their patriarchal figure in a freak drowning accident. 'Our father didn't drown, he was killed' says child native Indian, which confused me a bit. I mean, she was getting at the fact her dad was murdered, but even if someone was holding his head underwater, thus starving his body of oxygen, he still technically drowned. I think what she meant to say was 'Our father's death was the result of actions taken by a third party who possessed malice aforethought'

Anyway, back to the story and the casino planning. MM is having non of this so-called economic progress, and sets off downing shots and kicking-ass.

Now, I'm not gonna spoil the ending by telling you who won, but all I will say is that there will be no Craps for the small town of *insert town name* tonight, or any other night!

There's also some weird sexual tension between Mother Native Indian and MM, but the less said about that the better. It seems like Rocky IV baddie wrote in some sex scenes, but got cold feet at the last minute and scribbled them out. anyway, you just get this sense they are sleeping together off-camera.

The film is beautifully shot, but I found out later it was just colour distortion due to trouble converting the film reel, so I don't really think he can get points for that, hence the 9/10 score.