AliasPseudonym's Reviews

Fire Down Below (1997)

2/10

26 March 2017

This film can be looked at in one of two ways:

1. Sober, or in the unfortunate position of having paid money to watch it.

This is indisputably one of the worst films the 90s ever produced (and it had plenty of competition). The acting is beyond wooden, the plot is laughable, and it's no wonder it was nominated for 4 Razzies.

2. Very drunk, with equally drunk friends.

This is quite possibly the best film in the world. Seagal can do anything - play guitar, fly a plane, save the world, build a porch - but all you will be able to do is stare in fixated disbelief at his hair. Is it real? How does he make it blacker than the 2001 monolith? Is that a ponytail, or a real tail? Do they form some kind of symbiotic crime-fighting partnership that gifts Steven his amazing powers?

Overall, 2 stars for making "you can fix my porch" one of my favourite movie euphemisms of all time.

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Threads (1984 TV Movie)

9/10

Unnerving realism

7 October 2015

Possibly a contender for bleakest film ever made, Threads follows a young expectant couple and their families in the suburbs of northern UK city Sheffield, in the days leading up to and aftermath of a nuclear strike on the city.

With a screenplay written by Barry Hines (best known for his novel and award-winning film adaptation "Kes") Threads is a made-for-TV film, shot with mostly unknown actors, and which forgoes flashy effects for a low-budget, gritty documentary style interspersed with stock footage.

All of this however merely adds to the overwhelming sense of realism depicted in the unfolding events, and has the added bonus of allowing the film to perhaps age better than some of its apocalyptic contemporaries. As has been pointed out by a number of other reviewers, more than one scene in this film still have the impact to stay with you for a very long time after watching.

Despite tailing off a little towards the end, Threads is both utterly depressing and thoroughly compelling in equal measure, and is probably one of the strongest indictments of the folly of nuclear war ever committed to celluloid and absolutely worth a watch.

Although probably only once.

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Thunder Island (1963)

4/10

Stick to the acting, Jack.

2 October 2015

Notable mainly for being Jack Nicholson's maiden attempt at writing screenplays, Thunder Island tells the tale of clean-cut American day-tripper captain Vincent Dodge (Brian Kelly), blackmailed into helping hired killer Billy Poole (Gene Nelson) assassinate a South American ex-dictator now settled on an anonymous Caribbean island.

Token wife and annoyingly upbeat child are provided by Faye Spain (who went on in later years to play a bit-part in The Godfather: Part II) and Evelyn Kaufman (who went on to do precisely nothing else, which was probably wise).

Unfortunately, wooden acting throughout and a rather predictable "Boy's Own" adventure comic storyline make this something of a plodding and instantly forgettable affair, and the 65 minutes running time is mercifully short. Not much to see here.

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Spellbound (2002)

4/10

Mediocre at best, cynically formulaic at worst.

1 December 2014

As a tedious patchwork of one-dimensional caricatures, wrapped in an overly twee soundtrack and outstaying its welcome by a good 30 minutes, the only meaningful question this documentary manages to raise is whether this end result was cynically crafted by its director or unintentionally spawned through a desire to create something out of nothing.

It bewilders me that this received any kind of nominations at all, at times it felt as though it had descended into daytime telly-like levels of editing, most notably with the interviews with the respective parents.

I can only assume this documentary gains some kind of greater resonance in the US where spelling bees are more familiar, however for me here in the UK, it falls very flat.

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Gyo: Tokyo Fish Attack (2012 Video)

3/10

Incoherence in Anime form

28 September 2013

Warning: Spoilers

Giant fish on mechanical legs invade land and... well, that's more or less about it really. Apart from the farting green multi-corpse cyborgs, of course. And intelligent gas. And zombie circus clown musicians. And...

I've not seen the source manga that this is based on (if indeed there is any such thing), but i'd hazard a guess a lot of it has been lost in the translation to anime.

With a name like "Gyo: Tokyo Fish Attack" i didn't sit down to watch expecting a highbrow classic, but still felt distinctly underwhelmed after the 70-odd minutes were up.

The animation was in places pretty good, more often somewhat average, and somewhat let down by some cheap-looking CGI, and the story was decidedly offbeat, to say the least - which is normally a good thing with me. However, it's all just a bit too random and tenuous, even for a film i'd expect to have all the depth of a puddle to start with.

If you are hoping for a coherent plot, or the occasional credible explanation as to what the hell is going on, then i would say this maybe isn't the film for you. On the other hand, if just watching a man fight a giant mechanical spider-squid that just unexpectedly fell out of a tree on him is your thing, then fire in.

Pros: This is the only film i've ever seen have a leading character savaged by an angry mob containing zombies, a cow and a shark at the same time.

Cons: The rest of the film makes as much sense as the above.

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