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ian-bell92
Reviews
Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994)
Shop dummies have more life in them
Before Downton Abbey came along on Tv and showed the rest of the world that the English aristocracy has a severe cast of rigor mortis, this film ably demonstrated the utter tediousness of the phenomenon known as the Stuffed Shirt. It was billed back in 1994 as the US box office #1, and that is the only reason it made any money here in the UK.
As a minor note of interest, I did hear that Amber Rudd, the one-time Home Secretary in the British Government, was involved as an Aristocracy Consultant on the film.
Utter, utter cr#p.
Ghost Stories (2017)
Taking horror back to its chilling roots
I've been a fan of Andy Nyman ever since seeing him as a sleazy TV producer on the horror drama Dead Set. In drama that he was obnoxious and hilarious, but in Ghost Stories he is an altogether more sympathetic character.
Professor Philip Goodman has made his career his life. He spends his days trying to expose fake mediums through his TV show Psychic Cheats, while trying to bury memories of an unhappy adolescence with an overbearing and abusive father, who ended up destroying the whole family through religious intolerance.
So when Goodman gets a call from Charles Cameron, long believed to be dead, he sets off in pursuit of the man who he credits with inspiring him to be the respected, yet lonely, academic he is today. But Cameron berates Goodman as a weak-willed coward. Yet amid the insults, he has a challenge for the professor: three case-studies that he, Cameron has been unable to prove as fake. Cameron has learnt to accept the supernatural is all true, and he challenges Goodman to prove him wrong.
That is the set-up of the film and in quick succession Goodman calls on three different people, the mean-spirited Tony Matthews, a night-watchman who is haunted by his last job, Simon Rifkind, a highly-strung teenager who believes he may have encountered the devil himself, and an obnoxious financier who is deeply troubled by the imminent arrival of his first child.
Ghost Stories is tautly written, very well acted, and the middle story of Simon Rifkind and his Satanic woes is a hoot. The film was directed by Nyman and Jeremy Dyson, and on this evidence I hope they direct together again, and soon.
The Ghoul (2016)
A policeman feigns mental illness to track down a double-killer
Gareth Tunley draws top-notch performances from a distinguished cast, while spinning a story about mental illness into the hunt for a double-killer. How he managed it on what is obviously a small budget I have no idea. The word here is quality, from everyone involved.
Tom Meeton is a crumpled detective landed with trying to find a double-murderer. A couple have been shot in their own home, but appear to have run towards their assailant, even when shot several times? Why would they do that? Meeton's flawed detective Chris goes undercover to try and find the chief suspect. But as Chris gives a psychiatrist a cover story, only to secretly sift files in her office as he looks for leads, he starts to question his own role in the case. He professes to be an unemployed man who has no life, and when we see him marooned in a poky flat, being brought bottles of vodka by his partner/best friend it seems his cover story is being played by the book.
But as his search for the killer takes him to a second doctor, it appears there may be more than one murderer in this beguiling journey into our troubled anti-hero's psyche. This is a low-budget film, but one with considerable talent behind it. The haunting soundtrack by Waen Shepherd is almost a character in its own right, and as Chris struggles to keep his own sanity he appears to be becoming the cover story he has created for the purpose of trapping the killer. Or as an inquisitive party-goer suggests, maybe he is just an ordinary lost man, and the shrinks have made him think he really is a policeman.
As he draws closer to his main suspect called Coulson, his quarry turns the tables by suggesting the two shrinks, Drs Fisher and Morland are in fact the guilty parties here, and they are out to steal the mind of an unsuspecting patient as an exercise in psychological body-snatching? Is Coulson mad, or has he in fact stumbled upon the real culprit/s? There are no easy answers to this haunting mystery, but the performance by Meeton in the lead role is one that will stay with you long after the credits, while the rest of the cast never strike a false note.
It would be good for once, just once, if the UK's so-called marketeers would pull their fingers out of their backsides and put some muscle into promoting a minor gem like this instead of throwing their weight behind yet another James Bond blockbuster made for $200m. Just a thought, people, just a thought. Go see it. It's well worth the effort.
Knucklebones (2016)
Fast-paced horror with a satisfying final twist
What would you do if you died for six minutes and then came back to life? Check out eternity, or maybe see if heaven and hell really do exist? Knucklebones starts with a girl trying to get over a suicide attempt. Neesa (Julin Jean) is taken with her friends to an abandoned warehouse out in the backwoods of Texas, where they chill out, play games and then ask her why she tried to kill herself. I didn't try to kill myself responds Neesa, I did kill myself - for six minutes.
That spooky revelation will come back to haunt some of them as this down-and-dirty horror movie kicks into gear. The five friends start playing a game of Knucklebones having heard of the warehouse's past as a place where munitions were prepared for the war effort against the Nazis. But when their game is interrupted by a horrific incident amongst one of their number they quickly realise they have unleashed Knucklebones himself.
This is a horror film, not a sobering meditation on Nazism, hence the gore, sex scenes and nudity. As for Knucklebones the monster I found him a good deal more convincing than Halloween's endlessly tedious Michael Myers. The leads are okay, apart perhaps from Kate Bosacki, who has a striking resemblance to the equally tedious Paris Hilton.
But as the teens go on the run in the warehouse trying to find an escape route from Knucklebones, more people arrive at this impromptu riot, namely a bunch of thirty year-old's on the lookout for things to steal from the warehouse. This particular scene leads nowhere and seems merely an excuse for Erin Marie Garrett to get her clothes off before riding naked on her boyfriend as you-know-who creeps up on them. It does not end well.
Cutting back to our less-than-resourceful teens, who are being picked off one-by-one, the gore count rises considerably when Neesa takes extreme action to try and get rid of Knucklebones. The more squeamish might want to look away at this point. As the monster heads out of the warehouse looking for family members of our not-so-fearless teens, a desperate Neesa concocts a new board to play with in an effort to save her little sister from the demon's clutches.
There are more twists to come, and it's worth sticking around for a memorable scene involving Kate Bosacki. The blonde one might not be much of an actress but she shows plenty of leg when leaping over a sofa to escape Knucklebones, only for the monster to take a sharp spear and ram it straight up her very shapely bottom. It's what she would have wanted, I'm sure. Enjoy.
The Cabin in the Woods (2011)
A deliberately annoying film, but a great ending.
The title sort of gives what you expect. But it then delivers a whopping surprise which is revealed a bit at a time, cutting between our five leads to two deeply smug middle-aged men, about whom there will be more in a minute. Anyway, our five American teenagers (who all look about twenty eight, by the way) set off in a camper van and arrive at a filling station where a creepy man with extremely bad hygiene tells them they can get to the cabin in the woods, but they will never leave it. At this point we are perhaps supposed to be scared. Problem is I wondered if this was the same creepy man who popped up in the enjoyable Wrong Turn. He may also have been one of the creepy men who popped up in the genuinely menacing Deliverance, way back in 1972. There was also a creepy man who popped up in a filling station in the more generic Urban Legend. You get the idea . . we've been here before. Many times.
But of course that's the point. The title is deliberately generic, five teens in peril, off to enjoy some sex and drugs in the wood, just like they did in Evil Dead and a hundred other films. But these teens are being watched . . . every step of the way.
The parallel story-line of our five lead actors ( I use that term loosely given the acting ability on show here) is balanced by the antics of two even more annoying people in some underground facility that might be in the US Pentagon, or perhaps even next to the Cabin In The Woods. They whizz about on swivel chairs, make crass jokes at other people's expense and are far more obnoxious than our five lead actors. There is something not quite right about middle-aged men trying to act hip and talk like teenagers. Get down with the kids. I don't think so. It's just wrong, and these two people are smug to the point of being moronic. Grow up, people. They were so crass I almost began to warm to the five lead actors. Almost . . . but not quite.
But eventually, at last, the film arrives at its final act and the grand expose is finally revealed. All I will say is the protracted climax is an arresting sight. It's a bit like watching the utterly boring Titanic (1997) and waiting an absolute age for anything to happen, only for the iceberg to hit and finally the film comes to life. How's that for irony, the film comes to life when everyone starts to die. Bad idea, I know, I'm starting to sound like the film's writers, too clever by half.
The Dark Knight (2008)
I'm like a dog chasing cars - I wouldn't know what to do even if I caught one!
Hands up if you're a Batman fan. I'm not for a start, and nor have I ever been, but after watching this film recently I had to put a quick few words in simply to praise a high-concept blockbuster which contains one of the most riveting performances in recent film history.
I know one or two people have taken issue with the late Heath Ledger, claiming he had a good script, good director, good producer and so on. It's true, he did, but he still delivers a performance worthy of anything you will have seen lately at your local multiplex, or even not so lately come to that. Trust me, he really is that good.
Cast your mind back to the late 80s when that man from The Shining played the Joker full of intricate make-up and long sideways glances. I'm not knocking Jack Nicholson, he's a great actor, but think for a moment about the psychology of his joker. He was a middle-aged man wearing make-up. Lots of make-up. Yet he wandered about the film sounding rather like the chief executive of a listed company. I mean talk about anti-climactic.
By contrast Ledger radiates a raw energy as the nemesis of The Dark Knight. He is the punk rock upstart in this film, a malign presence who appears at first behind a mask at the opening of the movie and slowly but surely gets under your skin, while taking the entire film with him. There is a menacing scene about halfway through the picture when he appears at the hospital bedside of one of his victims, a man whose face has been half burnt off from an acid fire. Nasty, very nasty. But with an emphatic plea to his unfortunate victim the Joker makes a case for some sort of empathy with the man: 'I am an agent of chaos, I'm not a villain. I just AM. Look at me! I'm like a dog chasing cars - I wouldn't know what to do even if I caught one! And the great thing about chaos . . . It doesn't take sides, it's fair.'
Words alone can hardly do justice to this portrait of malevolent charm, frailty and menace by the late Heath Ledger. I won't even try anymore, except to say just watch this film the first chance you get, if you haven't done already.
Trust me, this actor is worth it. RIP Mr Ledger.
The X Files (1993)
Eugene Victor Tooms - scariest screen villain ever.
Once in a while a character comes along who knocks away the cobwebs and compels you to keep the lights on when you go to bed at night. If you've never seen the episodes of The X-Files which feature a certain Eugene Tooms, all I can do is promise you you're in for a treat.
The actor in the role is Doug Hutchison and he plays an absolute blinder. To call him scary would be rather like saying Groucho Marx was good at telling jokes - it states the obvious.
He pops up in two episodes that I know of, and in each one he lingers long in the memory. It may be the eyes, or the rather understated way he has of speaking, but Hutchison fills his portrayal with an unnerving authenticity. As I watched the second episode I got to thinking about Tooms and his past; what made him so sinister; what was his upbringing; what sleights did he suffer to make him so thoroughly malevolent. Then you realise you're asking all this about a fictional character, and you start to realise just how good the actor is to suck you into a world which doesn't in fact exist.
Or doesn't it? We are, after all, talking about The X-Files.
Halloween (1978)
This was not the re-invention of horror - but it's a good movie nonetheless.
I have never quite understood the hysteria which surrounds this film. Though it is a good film, and the soundtrack by director John Carpenter must rank as one of the most memorable ever composed, to suggest it is a movie which reinvented the horror genre rather begs the question as to exactly what people had been watching for horror prior to 1978.
The opening ten minutes are well-staged and the child's-eye view of a house at dusk and a girl changing upstairs is both eerie and full of anticipation. Fact is I can't fault the opening, and when Donald Pleasance enters the frame as Dr Loomis, desperately trying to find his most infamous patient before the madman strikes again then you sense you're in for something rather creepy.
But while the film certainly starts creepy, my suspension of disbelief started to evaporated as Michael Myers slowly took centre stage. For those who think this film is terrifying - and some reviewers really should look up the meaning of that word - I suggest you check out Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or the second half of Wolf Creek.
There are some genuine scares in Halloween, and Donald Pleasance is suitably sinister as Dr Loomis, insisting to the police of Haddonfield that they are looking for an incarnation of evil. The police don't seem all that convinced by his insistence, and neither was I in the end, but I did enjoy the film.
It reportedly cost less than $1million to produce, yet when re-released in the autumn of 1978 ended up raking in more than eighty million dollars. A staggering return, and perhaps one reason for its iconic standing today.