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savagebadger
Reviews
Boa (2001)
Somebody actually made this.
It is incredibly disturbing to think that some people somewhere felt this was a movie worth making. They may even have been pleased with the finished product. They should be ashamed. Be VERY ashamed.
The "plot" revolves around an internationally sanctioned top secret prison built, it would appear, to house those guilty of crimes against acting, with a special wing for bad accents (the "oirish" accent on display here makes Dennis Hopper's attempt in "Ticker" look good). The inmates promptly get together to explain their expertise. To counter the poor acting of the inmates, the prison staff are frighteningly bad actors to a man. Anyway, after some exposition, clumsily plonked in the middle of some dialogue, it is revealed that some drilling has hit a chamber full of pure nitrogen that can apparently support life for over 10,000,000 years or some such guff. This chamber is home to an 80ft snake (not sure what it has been feeding on all that time.) which promptly goes on a rampage, wiping out appalling actors roughly in order of how much they stink.
A quick word about the script, a tip for budding writers, if you don't have enough material, pad it out by having the characters repeat their lines ALL THE TIME.
Anyway, into the mix come the most ineffective, badly organised and generally incompetent special forces team in celluloid history who, for no discernible reason, drag along Dean Cain and his wife, who, we are led to believe, are palaeontologists (suspension of disbelief is required here.) This provides more fodder for the dreadfully cheap CGI snake, which appears to have been knocked up on someone's Commodore 64.
**POSSIBLE SPOILERS, BUT IF THIS RUINS THE FILM FOR YOU, YOU NEED HELP!**
More people die, stuff happens, none of the prisoners use any of their expertise, there are no shocks or surprises, amazingly (and criminally), the worst actor in the film survives. And, as the credits roll, it dawns on you... you have actually wasted 90 minutes of your life watching with the sort of morbid compulsion that greets a serious accident. Once it is over you may feel somehow cheapened and dirty and racked with guilt, and rightly so, consider what you have done, you have given these people an audience, you are encouraging them to churn out more films like this. Be ashamed. Be VERY VERY ashamed.