Reviews

Now that I'm a Netflix subscriber, I can view 3 available films nominated for the 2018 Oscar for Best Documentary Feature. This is one of 'em; I also saw "Strong Island" & "Last Men In Aleppo." Not on Netflix are "Faces Places" &, uh, "Abacus." I was already impressed by "Last Men In Aleppo" assuming it'll win or just hoping it'll win (although not caring enough to bet money on it). But there's something unique about "Icarus," something that sounds positive enough for me to think in this film's favor regarding that Oscar. It started out as something traced on the "Super Size Me" template, the difference being Bryan Fogel tries to get fit, not fat. After Fogel biked his race in Europe, I was expecting him to display on the film any effects of "roiding up." That never came about, not even when the film ended or in the epilogue--no footnotes. "Icarus" had completely focused on Grigory Rodchenkov, the Russian that Fogel recruited to cheat in his bike race. Once Bryan learned that Grigory had connections to a Russian doping agency whose involvement reaches as high as Vladimir Putin, Grigory (& Bryan as well) were both screwed once Russia began investigating & Grigory had to flee to the U.S. What compelled me about "Icarus" was that this film, likely in Fogel's mindset was supposed to be about doping, but he got in gigantic trouble by hiring a Russian to give him the dope, and this film he was making almost got a whole damn nation screwed out of the Rio De Janeiro Olympics. (Incidentally Russia recently did participate in the Pyeongchang Olympics, but the fact they couldn't fly their flag implies they're still doping.) And I was fascinated to see how the film turned out as Fogel & Rodchenkov tried to protect themselves while talking to both a newspaper, the U.S. government, and Olympic officials & representatives about doping in Russia and what Grigory knows. Incidentally, Grigory remains in the U.S. in the witness protection program. I was annoyed there wasn't stuff about what happened to Fogel after he was taking steroids like if he has shorter tempers or smaller privates. Clearly he's not gonna win a lot of bike races, or even compete. Can he win an Oscar? I think so; it could take those in the Academy who've finished watching the Winter Olympics voting in his favor.

I discovered this on Get TV, a terrestrial channel which aired this movie when it first aired. Back then, its programming was old movies from Columbia Pictures or Sony; it currently airs old TV shows & movies on weekends. I also saw this on YouTube a few times before the user or the website removed it. I am currently watching it as a DVD courtesy of Netflix, & I learned it's the sequel to "Twist Around the Clock." OK, here's the main review: it's a poor to so-so musical comedy. If you're a fan of such movies or of oldies music this is up your alley. But whenever the music stops, there's the faint sense of a plot. & I'm alerting of spoilers because I did manage to watch the film more seriously to recognize one character has to create conflict by conjuring up controversy with something about Salome & the dance of the seven veils (which sounds iffy way back then but couldn't be a big deal in 2018). And to inform you how inactively involved I am as a viewer, the DVD plays while I type this & procrastinate on working on home finances. I only plan to watch this 2-4x on the DVD before mailing it back, ready for my next DVD on the queue. (Incidentally "Twist Around the Clock" is on the queue; I expect to also give it a 4/10 stars.) In conclusion, this Chubby Checker motion picture is mindless entertainment. If you're a Baby Boomer or a young fan of oldies, enjoy the music. As for the story-line & any jokes or funny dialogue? Well, this only identifies it as an official comedy but I didn't LOL the whole film through.

I discovered this on the revived "Mystery Science Theater 3000"; it's screened in the second episode from Netflix. Chances are, most viewers have found it through the comedy series. Its rating's low enough to qualify for the Bottom Rated List but it has too few votes to be eligible. I recognized nobody in the cast & there were numerous animals & yet only a couple of actresses. This film can be classified in the sub-genre of Bigfoot & Sasquatch movies. But so far, the monster (I forget its name) only makes a few appearances and really served as a mere MacGuffin, a term used in the website TV Tropes as something to get the plot moving. It moved, but only at a speed slower than slugs or glaciers. The cast did consist of the typical characters: the little boy who knows & believes in the monster's existence, his single ranger father who protects him yet is skeptical of the beast, the ranger's minority pal, Jim (a Native American specifically) - one annoying feature is when Jim laughs (a lot), the whole cast LOLs, & for no damn discernible reason usually. & one more character: the villainous bounty hunter who do believes in the beast but seeks to claim it as a prize. Again, "Cry Wilderness" bored me, which is why I watch that MST3K episode fewer times than others. & while some movies that were MST'd are notorious enough to make IMDb.com's Bottom Rated List, others, such as this motion picture, are either dull but worth at least 4/10 stars or bad but not crappy enough to prompt the minimum 1500 votes. I ain't sure how else you can watch "Cry Wilderness," but the likeliest option is to watch it on "Mystery Science Theater 3000" on Netflix.

I was fortunate to view this on the terrestrial station Grit & have viewed this crappy Shaquille O'Neal film a few times to actually listen to the atrocious dialogue & learn the cookie-cutter plot, such as Steel's crusade to keep kids away from gangs, which looks similar to that from "The Meteor Man." I had to check the spoiler because those who did see the end oughta remember the "oh brother" moment when Annabeth Gish's wheelchair becoming a deus ex machine-a. Regarding the cast, O'Neal did better in "Blue Chips" even though he was naturally cast as a basketball player. Gish, I think at the time, was better well-known in her recurring role in "The X-Files" but she was also in the good but underrated film "Shag." Richard Roundtree, a.k.a. the baddest mother Shaft, I think is the gadgeteer or Q or something. & Judd Nelson, who was on "Suddenly Susan" that decade, plays the villain. Some factors that's worth recognizing & maybe even admiring are the fact that the Steel costume had to be custom-made for the 7'1" O'Neal & only he had to do his own stunts as there weren't any stunt-men around who were that tall. & I did like the train-yard scene; I admit that of the run-of-the-mill action scenes I see on many movies on TV (Why would I waste much money & time in a noisy cineplex to see these films?), moving those train cars around does take dedication & cooperation from the railroads pre-production. Now since I typed I'm a "Mystery Science Theater 3000" fan in the summary, know that I rank films that were on the show 1 (that damn bad & deserving to be in IMDb's Bottom Rated list) or 2 (merely boring, e.g. the Oscar- winning "Marooned" (or "Space Travelers" on the show)). & regarding all those films I see on TV I rank 'em 3 (bad) or 4 (boring). "Steel" gets 3 stars, but for B-movie fans like me, this is worth watching while doing other activities such as having your phone or electronic device on in your own home unlike a theater. In conclusion, "Steel" is as deplorable as a rusty vehicle (assuming some steel rusts or oxidizes; I never aced high school chemistry), but it's worth viewing a view times for a good MST3K riffs. Here's to RiffTrax or the returning "Mystery Science Theater 3000" getting permission from "Steel" to lampoon Shaquille's film.

I actually took the time to watch yet another disaster flick on the Spanish language channel UniMás. While I did do some live-tweeting which contains a few "MST3K"-inspired quips, the re-viewing experience was torturous, especially when I learned this was a three-hour show. This TV movie followed the blueprint for your typical average disaster flick. But while the plot was nothing new & detestable, the characters were even worse, particularly w/ that one guy, um, Secretary of Defense or something, acting as evil as a villain in a Jean-Claude Van Damme film (also aired often on UniMás), & that's quite too evil when it comes to a "disasterpiece." Maxim Roy as Dr. Jane spends the first half looking like she's got indigestion from eating at Wienerschnitzel. & after she's escaped the devious Beltway, she becomes an acceptable love interest for Matthew Modine. I'm sure that the climax of the film, which was when Modine & Co. fought off certain apocalypse, actually took place in the middle, because afterwards, "CAT.8" transforms into a conspiracy thriller, w/ some occasional CGI disasters, such as the never-realistic & cartoonish instant canyon. & I knew the science of this movie was noticeably screwy when the government could shoot a laser at the sun, reach it in a manner of picoseconds, & solar flares could actually pose a genocidal threat. If I must say something positive, at least the SFX looked, um somewhat professional. But in conclusion, "CAT.8" is just a big, prolonged hot mess in many ways.

I'm watching the film on DVD a 2nd time so I can stay focused & motivated when writing this review. Many reviews of "Bride Wars" were negative although I don't think this comedy is as offensive to critics as such a movie starring Adam Sandler. I had some interest in this movie because I find Anne Hathaway & Kate Hudson 2 b attractive, & the idea of them sharing a movie also sounded attractive. The problem was that the other rudimentary elements of the movie (e.g. writing & directing) fell flat. Honestly, I watched the entire movie w/ Spanish subtitles & French dubbing because I heeded those bad reviews. I did notice the hackneyed tropes such as Motown music in the score, the sitcomish pranks like the blue hair & the "broken Aesop" of Emma & Liv walkin' down the aisle proudly in spite of one of the brides becoming a ex-fiancée in front of many silent witnesses. (Why the hell was the place that quiet?) & the notion of the protagonists sharing a do d8 4 their children was an obvious sequel bait that nobody chose to byte. Notable actors include many who were in sitcoms, starting w/ 5x-Emmy winner Candice Bergen of "Murphy Brown," Kristen Johnston of "3rd Rock from the Sun," John Pankow of "Mad About You," Casey Wilson of "Happy Endings," & a pre-famous Chris Pratt from "Parks & Recreation"; he plays one of the grooms, but his role as the groom seems to be a plot placeholder. I think when he did become well-known, what should've been in this movie would be equal to Chris' appearance in "The Five-Year Engagement." Oh yes; "Bride Wars" is rated PG. I think that also seriously hurt audiences by depriving the movie of its bite by lessening any S-words & partial nudity. In conclusion, I rate "Bride Wars" 6 outta 10. I normally rate worse A-movie comedies at 4 or 5, but for just looking at the two stars Kate and Anne, I allow a 6th star. If I genuinely liked this film, I'd rate it 7; 8 would be ludicrous.

I came across this film while watching UniMás, a Spanish-language channel available over the airwaves. This B-movie followed the "A-movie" "Mission Impossible III"; I cannot tell if the network aired that in memory of Philip Seymour Hoffman given that he died months ago. But I could tell I was looking at some hideous piece of work (if not a piece of something else) as there were no promos leading up to it & no, um, "banner spots" (or what I'd call "'Ghost Shark' will be right back after these messages.") Already the storyline was looking ludicrous as in the cold open, the living shark gets killed in a medieval way w/ a harpoon, a gun, & even a grenade. Yet it swims to some cave & now its fluorescent blue ghost version kills its aggressors (& of course the raucous rampage doesn't stop from there). Notice that the movie presents the cast in alphabetical order, which I'd assume is because "Ghost Shark" has no "stars." & to me, the only 2 recognizable actors were Richard Moll (whose goofball role of Bull Shannon in "Night Court" now looks more dignified), & Mackenzie Rosman of "7th Heaven." Keep in mind she was just a kid alongside the stunning Jessica Biel. But Rosman certainly matured into quite the lady herself in Maxim Magazine. But I can't help but think that's how she got the major role in "Ghost Shark" while Biel was in better films, or just merely married Justin Timberlake. If you watch enough monster films, you'd recognize the tropes, which means trends, such as the large cast (including many girls in bikinis) whose minimal purpose is to be a visual feast for the eyes & then an actual feast for the eponymous monster. There's also the usual stock characters such as the determined teens set to stop the monster conflicting against the skeptical sheriff & his equally obstructive bureaucrat fellow (or foe). Before I end, I must point out a scene where one person dies as the ghost shark splits him into left & right halves. The witnesses should have looked either shocked or prone to vomit at such graphic gore but only appeared, um, miffed, like a newscaster reporting about the latest homicide. That's what I call "dull surprise," something I learned from "Mystery Science Theater 3000," which has helped my tolerance for bad cinema. In conclusion, "Ghost Shark" tried to imitate the hype of Syfy's "Sharknado." But instead, such imitation proved to be offensively repetitive to its audience. That's probably why a movie that was on Syfy just last year reappeared in UniMás on May 2014. "Sharknado" was trashy but cool. "Ghost Shark" is just trash.

Remember when on rabbi-ear TV it showed TV movies? I think "10.5: Apocalypse" was the last ones to show on network TV & there's a good reason why. (Only those Hallmark-type TV movies seem to appear these days.) 1st of all, where do I start w/ what sucks about "10.5: Apocalypse"? Is it having a trombonist as a cameraman? Has-been actors Kim Delaney or Dean Cain being the most recognizable in the cast? ("NYPD Blue" & "Lois & Clark" seem to be the zeniths in their respective careers.) Is it the fact that an earthquake moves like Bugs Bunny stopping & making a left turn around the nuclear power plant & is depicted as an actual lava chasm that gets more powerful as the Richter scale increases? Or is it the tiresome depiction of disaster film characters, from the determined band of survivors who get picked off 1-by-1 when necessary w/ the tiresome backstories & subplots that are meant for you 2 give a damn about 'em or the government officials, from the fearless leaders like Delaney or the guy who plays her dad, Frank Langella, while the others, including the President himself, are in DC fretting & arguing about how to stop the calamity? "Dammit, that's impossible! We don't got the time!" If I may, I assume they got the money to deploy government or military personnel to stop said calamity since in reality nobody has such a budget, bull or bear market. Let's see. I must start w/ the cinematography, & then special effects, than characters & plot. 1st off, the back-&-forth filming of "10.5: Apocalypse" is just godawful, plane & simple. I actually was getting nauseous watching every damn scene zoomed in & out, even during scenes of heavy dialogue like among the government workers. This may be okay for a 8-year-old excited to play w/ a camcorder or an 18-year-old making a silly monster movie w/ a 18-year-old's budget & properties. But it's grossly unprofessional to do so in a TV movie, notably w/ multiple cameras. I'm a fan of bad movies, but I don't remember any other movie I've seen in Spanish or any film on "Mystery Science Theater 3000" that had such a sickening feature like the gratuitous zoomin'. If Razzies could be awarded for other categories, I'd give 1 to "Girl In Gold Boots" for Editing, "Hamlet" (the MSTied one) for Art Direction, & "10.5: Apocalypse" for Cinematography. "Manos: the Hands of Fate" should be lucky to be nominated; overzooming is much much worse than having just a 16mm Bell & Howell that films only 32 seconds. What's next? CGI. The special effects were the best, or I should say the most tolerable part of the movie. For a film made in the '00s, CGI's the way to go. But it is a TV movie, so it's nothing like "Lord of the Rings." The plot, lackluster as it is, is quite familiar when it comes to disaster flicks. Some natural disaster or a combination of 'em, like earthquakes in Vegas & the Great Plains or volcanoes in the northwest, threaten to extinguish humanity or something like that, w/ great disregard for basic science. (People dying quickly in a volcanic eruption is a proved fact, though; been like that from Pompeii to Indonesia.) I don't see the big deal out of this. Regardless of deaths on a genocidal scale, seeing new straits & channels carve up California & North America's kinda cool. New maps, yay! I'm a map geek. I'd be interested to see how the newly changed geography changes transportation, economics & politics. Just look at the lighter side of things, a la "This Is the End". Why so serious? Thus bringing me to the characters. While I still know about 5 years worth of Spanish, the acting was rather identical to the over-acting on telenovelas to tell me that these guys were playing it straight like the director's basic instructions was "Think of 9/11! Action!" My apologies, but seeing the President & his crew act like they're learning about New Orleans, Haiti or the 2 tsunamis over the past decade while watching a new map of the US be made is just freakin' ludicrous (although the trombone-cam wasn't just crazier but very distracting). & I may not be keen on politics, but why must we also believe that the President & other government agencies such as FEMA got the whole thing covered? (Take note this was made around the time Katrina did New Orleans; either the producers weren't aware or ignored FEMA's bad publicity.) & when we're not watching President Beau Bridges look sad or frustrated regularly, we must watch the determined band of survivors in Las Vegas. This was pretty much "The Poseidon Adventure" stage of "10.5: Apocalypse." When Vegas sinks, we should have learned enough about these guys to cheer them on as they seek out safety (or cheer after one dies after making bets as to who'd be killed 1st). In conclusion, "10.5: Apocalypse," compared to "The Poseidon Adventure" or "Independence Day" before, or "2012" or "Pacific Rim" afterwards, is very amateurish & is the archetype of TV-movies about disasters that's only seen on Syfy or Unimas. & again, boo to the trombonist director.

As usual, I have the TV on to Telefutura 'cause I'm waiting for "NCIS" on CBS & I'm playing the Wii. I coulda just said this is another run-of-the-mill TV-movie about some killer space turd heading to Earth set to kill millions. Governments & top management have their fears but use their authority to slow down progress to stop the menacing meteors. But some renegade blue-collar worker who's grieving over someone steps in & defies the naysayers into leading the mission to stop the deadly asteroids & save the world in a visually epic fashion. Hero gets the girl (& maybe a medal). The end. Such a film would've made me rate it 2 stars. But that was b4 I began asking questions as I watched the crucial part of "Earthstorm." "Why the hell is the space shuttle launching on a rainy day?" "Why the hell is Stephen Baldwin standing on his own 2 feet in the shuttle in outer space?" "Why the hell is the space shuttle moving like the Millennium Falcon?" You might assume that the writers were high upon writing this, but I think they might've been sober but w/ just a deadline in their rectums. "C'mon, damn you! You got till 3 o'clock!" "Umm, the space shuttle uses a magnetic bomb to fill in the lunar chasm?" "Hmmm. Good enough." I actually was making some tasteless riffs while watching this shuttle scene like, "Well, if Perseus didn't end up like the Challenger maybe it'll suffer Colombia's fate." (one spoiler: The Perseus' return to Earth was so successful that it needed not be shown in the film. How convenient!) Damn, now I got a deadline up my keister so I better state my major points. Yes, the characters appeared to be typical of such disaster films that it deprived "Earthstorm" of chemistry. In fact I watched the film so casually that when the hero kissed the redhead in the end I didn't know (nor care) that there was a spark between the two & joked, "I thought they were brother & sister!" or "I thought one of 'em was gay!" I might understand why space shuttle Perseus got souped up as in reality, many of the space shuttle missions had been mundane, such as visits to the International Space Station & just doing research on astronomy or astrophysics & using shuttle-loads of math. Stephen Baldwin now has another movie alongside "The Flintstones" to be ashamed of. All the while brother Alec is hotter than ever as he wins Emmys, opens his liberal pie-hole, & does Capital One ads. & at least Adam did a film w/ Cindy Crawford despite the negative notoriety for "Fair Game." That reminds me. Considering how atrocious "Earthstorm" was, I only wish this attracted enough votes to vie for the IMDb Bottom 100 but it's only a TV movie & the list is full of films from MST3K (it's cool; I'm a MSTie fan), Paris Hilton movies, & Razzie winners & nominees. To summarize, if possible, rent or download "Earthstorm" but make it a social event, invite friends, & riff your butts off like Joel, Mike, Crow, & Tom Servo used to over the flaws of "Earthstorm," especially on the TOTALLY AWESOME scene where, like, the space shuttle, like, flies through the asteroid field & stuff & like, takes off at Warp Speed? Like, completely epic!!! Incidentally I tweeted to Rifftrax, something done by 3 guys from MST3K, if they'd view "Earthstorm" & riff it; I hope they respond although I think many fans make suggestions to riff many movies. Oh yeah. It's not NASA (who musta LOL'ed upon being asked for permission for using their name) but ASI...I think. It coulda been SNASA for all I care (as in something used in Barney's mating calls on "How I Met Your Mother.") "Earthstorm" sucks! I'm done.

I've noticed that a lot of the ridiculous adventure/action films on Telefutura were original TV-movies from what is now Syfy, & that made me wonder if Telefutura & Syfy have some sorta partnership in airing such crap. But nevertheless, "The Fallen Ones" had such numerous errors that it had me riffing, MST3K style. Someday I hope to record this on DVR or perhaps get it on Netflix so I can make my own "iRiffs" & show my work on Rifftrax.com. One particular riff was on how you notice a Native American, policeman, guy in a cowboy hat, guy in hard hat, & even a biker at some point during the movie. Had all five shown up in one scene, they might've been singing "Macho Man." Of course the cast was pretty embarrassing. Remember Casper Van Dien? He was on "Starship Troopers" & "Tarzan & the Lost City." I almost thought he restored his career by dating J. Lo till I learned it's a different Casper. (& I don't mean (Caspar) Weinberger) Yes, Kristen Miller is pretty. That's showbiz, dude! She has to be! Granite, because I didn't recognize this throwaway actress right away, I mistook her for Naomi Watts, Traylor Howard, or Helen Slater; guess which actress sounds the most familiar. & don't forget Robert Wagner. He at least earned some respect from me in his recurring role on "Two & a Half Men" around the time "The Fallen Ones" was made. & finally the late Tom Bosley. As I said, I saw it on Telefutura, so I couldn't hear the bad Hebrew accent other reviewers have mentioned. But if there are other works I want to remember Bosley by, I'd prefer "Father Dowling Mysteries," "The World of David the Gnome," or those SMC commercials on late-night or unpopular TV stations than "The Fallen Ones." Incidentally, Miller plays Angela, the engineer who meets cute w/ Matt & looks hot in that purple outfit while on the slab. I don't wanna sound sexiest, but there ain't too many women who work as engineers so I assume that was just a disposable job description. I was more convinced Denise Richards could be a nuclear scientist in that 007 film. Before I talk about how bad the mummies were, I also gotta bring up the "action." There was one scene where Matt Fletcher (Van Dien) & his sidekick, Mickey, fought the Ammon's thugs, & those thugs were some wussy fighters. & what pestered me was that Mickey's fighting technique was biting his opponents, including him spitting dirt out from biting a mummy, u'no, so it'll make u LOL. I thought he had overdone it when he bit his 2nd opponent, but by the time he bit all of his enemies he was as absurd as someone in a Sat. morning cartoon or a sitcom in Spanish. (& the actor might have been a Brazilian jujitsu champion, but I could be wrong.) & now, the mummies. Why don't I start w/ the "mecha-mummy"? Hey, Angela's an engineer; maybe she built that! By golly! Who else was thinking about "Wild Wild West" (which Telefutura shows occasionally)? The engineering behind the animal-powered gadgets in "The Flintstones" was more practical than that mummy! & I ain't just saying that; the man-powered beast appears for only a few minutes & moseys around until it falls down a ravine. Then there's the ginormous mummy (& the smaller, life-size mummies that spring 4th later on). If the makeup artists appeared in the realty show "Face-Off," I might have some respect. One scene that stuck w/ me was when the monster crushed one (just one!) helicopter. Geez, VanHook, even worse directors managed to fill up screen time w/ stock footage of jet fighters & bombers! Unless, this is his subtle editorial of how slow FEMA is to scary stuff like storms or bigass mummies. Afterward, the mummy throws away the chopper & when it explodes, it apparently had the Fat Man bomb on board as the explosion was noticeably big. & also notice that when he throws boulders @ the heroes, they fall like objects in a video game. I'm not even sure if the ground shook or if there were impact clouds. To summarize, "The Fallen Ones" demonstrates how some directors & writers can concentrate too much on showing a useless variety of mummies that they fail to include not just useful stuff like plot & character development but even stuff typical of B-movies like stock footage of planes. Enjoy for a good laugh. But if you want better SFX, watch a "Lord of the Rings" film (or "The Hobbit" in the near future.)

This movie came out in the same year of "East of Eden," "The Seven Year Itch," & "Marty." But there are good reasons why "King Dinosaur" cannot be remembered fondly as those other films. Not only were there no stars, but the sexist depictions & on-screen animal cruelty are quite disconcerting for any modern-day audience. Even if you understand that that was the norm back then, such political incorrectness is only a part of what makes "King Dinosaur" unappealing alongside numerous stock footage & "lazy science." From that specifically, planet Nova is so similar to Earth that it has a breathable atmosphere. If you were to tune in late and see the cast walk around no longer dressed like astronauts, you'd think you're watching a different film. Also to be specific on the sexism, notice that the male scientists must act brave & fire their weapons while the females scream & cling to their mates. One particular scene that stuck w/ me is when the lady scientist tears up a photo of the iguana known as King Dinosaur just 'cause she's too emotional (& I say that ironically). & the kinds of stock footage consist of military, government, or scientific clips, nature clips, or even clips from other movies, like that "woolly mammoth" one. I saw this horrendous movie only by buying the DVD set of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" it came in, & w/ the peanut gallery of Joel, Crow, & Tom Servo, it's the best way to watch it.

As a fan of "Mystery Science Theater 3000," I have quite the tolerance of crappy cinema. Telefutura & THIS channel show 'em every night. But hard to believe, I stumbled upon "Beneath Loch Ness" on CW12 on a Saturday night. I didn't watch all of the film, but I did learn enough to say that this movie depicts Scotland as accurately as Sam Bacile depicted Islam in "Innocence of Muslims." But this ain't no movie worth dying for (literally) or sparking a worldwide protest. Just type a few reviews somewhere online outside IMDb.com w/ numerous obscenities (e.g. "'Beneath Loch Ness' %&~?ing sucks!!") as you would any other bad movie. But the fact that I discovered "Beneath Loch Ness" on The CW proves that it didn't get enough negative notoriety for audiences to hate it like some Razzie-winning films or anything from The IMDb Bottom 100. I did have the somewhat misfortune to watch it in English unlike most movies on Telefutura to learn that the Scots sounded a little too American. "Beneath Loch Ness" has stars (in name only) like Patrick Bergin, the villain in the Julia Roberts film "Sleeping with the Enemy" & Brian Wimmer, who I only recall in the TV series remake of "Flipper," also featuring a pre-famous Jessica Alba. The underwater depiction was flawed in the sense that the movement of objects was as swift as it would be on land, as in the scene where the divers find the pink eggs or something like that. Not only that, the explosion of the depth charges looked like explosions in the air. I've seen better underwater explosions on "Gorgo" (as seen on MST3K). But I can't finish this review w/o the most egregious flaw of location scouting. If you're gonna make a movie set in Scotland but can't actually be in Scotland, choose a similar location w/ mild, temperate climate. & there are many of 'em, like New Zealand or Nova Scotia ("New Scotland" in Latin). Or the other side of N. America - BC or WA; everybody makes movies there! But this Loch Ness was actually Castaic Lake in California. As a Californian who's traveled many times between Bakersfield & the L.A. metro area, I recognized the Mediterranean landscape w/o Googling it! Castaic Lake is the first exit on the I-5 south after passing through the mountains that leads to fast food restaurants & gas stations! Needles 2 say, "Beneath Loch Ness" is typical crappy movie-making from its bombastic CGI monster to cookie-cutter characters & plot. Watch only while channel surfing & if you have a high tolerance of stupid cinema.

When you ain't subscribed to cable or satellite like I am, your choice of movies are limited to Telefutura, Telemundo, or the digital-only channel THIS. I discovered "Cyborg Soldier" on Telefutura. The channel that boasts films starring Arnold, Jean-Claude, or Steven didn't list any stars for the movie's promo (not even Tiffani[-Amber] Theissen, but aisle talk about her L8r). Also like w/ other such lackluster televised cinema, I was doing something else instead of solely watching the movie, such as playing the Wii. Twas a smart choice as I was incredibly bored during most of "Cyborg Soldier." The only action scenes were near the beginning & the end. In between was pretty much a really bad d8 w/ Kelly from "Saved by the Bell." 2 describe it specifically: 1) No date gets a woman in the mood when the man gouges out bullets from his front. 2) The movie takes place in the winter, so Theissen is overdressed. But considering how aged she looks in "Cyborg Soldier," u probably ain't missin' much. (Can't she follow in her costar Mario Lopez's footsteps & dance w/ the stars?) & 3) The film's a long dull adventure of Tiffani as a bounty hunter unraveling the mystery of her cyborg fella. 1 cool gross scene was the cyborg stabbing a thug in the eye, w/ a tattoo of said f8 for gratuitous irony. But nevertheless, "Cyborg Soldier" is still 4gettable & best watched while doing something else like playing the Wii, Xbox or PS3, doing Sudoku or the crossword on your newspaper, or just texting.