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monique-snyman
Reviews
The Taint (2011)
The Taint (NSFW)
How can one begin to review a film that's so vulgar, so politically incorrect and so very
cocky? I've tried to think about how to make this review "reader friendly", but it's been quite a difficult task especially when one gets to watch a sausage fest on your television for the whole duration of the film. I tried to think of some quirky title for the review, but it simply fell short and didn't do the movie justice, so I'll try to be as gentle as possible with this review, but I can't promise that I'll behave.
The Taint starts off with
well it starts off with me putting the DVD into the DVD player and seeing an intro of a head surrounded by penises, which by the look of it was very reminiscent of the 80's. Then the movie starts and again, we have a lot of cocks on screen
some getting severed throughout the film, others just ejaculating continuously. Now at first one would think this movie makes no sense apart for being just blood and sex, but one would be wrong
I think. It was quite difficult to find the actual plot in between all the male anatomy, but what I could find was that it's a story about a misogynist that basically hates himself after being forced to perform something rather shocking on his ex-girlfriend, this includes a coat hanger, soap and a condom. However, that's not the main focus of the film. The Taint is about a couple of scientists that discovers a concentrated form of penile fluids that makes the penis larger, for longer. It's basically better than Viagra. However there are side effects to this "miracle cure for males everywhere". These men kind of go crazy after using this concentrated "Viagra", in the sense of, they torture anything wearing a skirt and then gruesomely kills them.
Of course, what can we expect from a film that's so low-budget looking, so horribly bad, so
so
Okay, no, I'm sorry, I kind of enjoyed seeing all the penis mutilation and cum shots and yes, I know I'm quite a perverted puppy. I mean, it's freaking hilarious and gross and it's everything a person wants in a bad horror movie! There's this one scene that's so homosexually enticing, that I actually wondered whether or not the directors, Drew Bolduc and Dan Nelson, were closet gays! I loved it!
Now, other than that rather prolonged scene of a guy in tight yellow hotpants, we have a lot of blood and gore. Sure, penis mutilation makes any feminist happy (I'm not a feminist, I just enjoy seeing men cringe whenever junior gets cut off), but it's hardly one-sided gore. In other words, you can expect seeing brains, a lot of blood, a few faces being ripped off, and an incredibly funny scene where a poor lady gets sawed in half. To round it all off we have semen, a hell of a lot of semen. There's so much semen present in The Taint that a porn star would blush!
The Taint went out to make a bad horror movie that would shock and disturb, it succeeded in both and will surely become a cult classic faster than one could say: "Does anyone have a coat hanger?"
If you are smart and enjoy seeing a lot of gore, the disgusting and some male anatomy being cut or shot off, then by all means, be prepared to be disgusted and enthralled by The Taint. It's funny and stupid and goofy and no, it won't win an Oscar. I guess that's what makes it so brilliant in the end.