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Jonah Hex (2010)
Tripe
I don't really know where to start with this one. I came into the movie not expecting much, and that's essentially what I got.
It saddens me to see the talents of Josh Brolin and John Malkovich go to waste in a brainless comic book movie. Basically, Josh Brolin plays Jonah Hex, who accidentally (I think?) killed Quentin Turnball's (played by John Malkovich) son, and Hex's family is subsequently killed in revenge by Turnball. However, before killing Jonah's family and leaving him to die, Turnball brands him with his initials so that he'd forever know who he wronged, or something.
Then the opening exposition claims that Turnball perished in a fire, or something, and that's where I found the first major problem with the film: the first act is essentially aimless, as Jonah Hex basically wanders around the Western landscape (and meets up with Megan Fox, since they apparently have an undisclosed past relationship) for reasons I cannot recall.
However, and I think before he meets with Megan Fox (who can't carry an accent to save her life), he goes to a Podunk desert outpost and shoots up the denizens with two horse-mounted, hand-cranked machine guns (which is actually awesome - one of the few good things about the movie). While this is cool, it ultimately foreshadows the true spirit of this film: flashy, but with little substance.
It's like having a Fourth of July fireworks show in the dead of winter, and some of the fireworks misfire and burn down the neighborhood. Disastrous, but entertaining (if you have a dark sense of humor), if you're at a distance.
Okay, maybe that's not a fair assessment of Jonah Hex, since it's a very stupid - but benign - film. Stupid, since the plot, as you may have surmised by now, is extremely shoddy and scatterbrained. The ultimate plot of the movie is about Turnball being alive, somehow, and wanting to blow up Washington, DC (more specifically, the Capitol Building) for revenge after the Confederates lost the Civil War.
Somehow Turnball got a hold of Dragon Balls and the schematics for a 19th century Death Star (invented by Eli Whitney, no less), and uses them from a large series of cannons to eviscerate all that cross his path - and are within firing range. And Jonah Hex wants to get revenge for Turnball nearly killing him, by killing Turnball.
Like I said, Brolin's talents are wasted on this movie, as an okay portrayal of a sullen and deadpan cowboy can't save a movie whose script was written by a schizophrenic pyromaniac cowboy. The same goes with Malkovich, who also looks really awkward with a bald spot and long hair.
Oh, and Megan Fox. It seems like she really enjoys getting casted in bad movies. If you're 13 and going for the hopes of seeing some of Ms. Fox's skin, I have to say that you'll be disappointed. But I doubt anyone is going to go in hopes of seeing some good acting out of her.
Also, I can't recall the order of things in the movie because the sequences were seemingly smashed together without any thought of how they would flow together as a final product. If this movie were a river, it'd feature white water rapids, with the occasionally piranha mixed in.
So, if this movie is so damn terrible, why the 4 out of 10? Because, all in all, and despite it's gaping flaws, this is at heart a popcorn movie. It's brain dead, but if you like explosions and ridiculous Westerns, you may enjoy Jonah Hex.
And, like my title for this review, this movie is tripe: the presentation is poor, it's lined with crap, and although it may briefly tie you over until your next meal, you'll leave hungry, and trying not to think about what you just consumed.
Survival of the Dead (2009)
Survives, But Doesn't Thrive
Survival of the Dead, whose title is somewhat of an oxymoron, tends to act as such: combining elements that would not normally go together, but then trying to play them off as being cohesive.
What I mean is that Romero has gone along with his typical zombie formula, which tends to be serious in tone, but for some reason or other, Romero has thrown in some comedic elements into an otherwise "serious" film. Some of them were funny, such as the zombie grabbing the stick of dynamite, but then others seemed completely unnecessary, like the female character masturbating out in the open, in front of her fellow soldiers. Things like that made the otherwise okay plot feel incoherent at points, and the mood would swing from trying to be funny to trying to be serious, stoic, and didactic, and the transitions weren't smooth.
Also, I said "female character" because I can't remember many character names after seeing the movie, which is never a good thing. A lot of the characters were stereotypical archetypes, some just zombie fodder (which, to be fair, is to be expected), and were largely underdeveloped, so it was hard to relate to some of them (yet, being a horror film, should be expected). However, I liked Patrick O'Flynn, and his struggle seemed legitimate (save for plot holes and faulty logic).
With that being said, Romero added some new things to Survival, like trying to stem zombies off of eating humans, as well as zombies continuing to get smarter (like one that remembered how to drive a car, albeit poorly), and even zombies that resided at the bottom of a lake, which will grab at you from the depths (which, personally, I think is the most horrific thing presented in the film, if not for the still "alive" zombie heads on pikes).
Survival seemed to have an over-reliance on spectacle, with zombies dying in some of the most fantastic feats, which was entertaining, but seemed to be used to distract the viewer from plot holes.
With all that being said, I still enjoyed the film, since, when Romero had the film heading in the right direction, the plot become much more interesting and thoughtful, and the zombie killing was always entertaining, if not somewhat contrived.
Had Romero stayed more focused on the intent and themes of the plot and concept, without sullying it with unnecessary, albeit entertaining humorous distractions, then this could have been a zombie great, instead of just a zombie okay. It's better than a lot of things out now (which is sort of sad), and if you can take the good with some of the bad, then you'll get a kick out of this film, but if you're looking for another zombie classic, you have some waiting to do.