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ninjapirate93
Reviews
King Kong (2005)
Visually beautiful, but would really benefit from a trim
Peter Jackson's (Lord of the Rings) 'King Kong' looks like a popcorn flick, as can be deduced by the poster of the giant gorilla on top of a building swiping at planes. Popcorn flicks are supposed to be loud, action-packed and not particularly intelligent.
'King Kong' certainly is action-packed, overly-so in fact, but it tries to be too deep and elaborate. 'King Kong' should either be a 'Lord of the Rings' type film, as it is trying to be, or a 'Transformers' type film, as it looks like. 'King Kong' falls right between these films. It has the material to be 'Lord of the Rings', but it uses too much elaborate character relationships/ development in the first half, and not nearly enough in the second. It is also reminiscent of 'Transformers' because of the mayhem and special effects, but it is set apart because 'King Kong' has three-dimensional characters and a plot.
The CGI is truly remarkable with this film. The actual King Kong looks fantastic. The dinosaurs are terrific. The landscapes are beautiful. The actors are all believable, and contrary to other critic's opinions, Jack Black didn't particularly bother me in his role. The entire film is moderate-to-highly entertaining.
The main problem with this film is that it is simply just too long. Every single action sequence feels drawn out and extended with unneeded extra footage. Forty-five minutes could have easily been taken out just by shortening the fight scenes to reasonable lengths.
In one scene, King Kong shakes Annie around in his fist for what feels like a solid five minutes. We are supposed to feel frightened and in awe, but as time drags on, we instead start to wonder why the scene's taking so long. Is something happening at the same time that we're missing? Is that why we're still watching the same thing over and over? Also, the character development feels unfinished. Elaborate characters are created for all the ship's crew, then, when the voyage is over, (about halfway through the film) they vanish and we never hear from them again. Jack and Annie fall for each other on the boat, then post-voyage, we find them in completely different places in the city. What happened in the meantime? We don't know. Their finale is just as hazy.
There is a huge pacing glitch in the middle. We have the voyage, the island, meeting King Kong, capturing King Kong, then we jump forward without a single voyage montage to later in the city, with King Kong in capture on stage. It feels like a whole section was cut out. It doesn't particularly matter to the plot, but with the rest of the film being as elaborate and drawn-out as it is, it feels downright jarring to just jump a gaping hole like that.
This sounds like quite a lot of black marks against a film, but King Kong redeems itself because it looks terrific, is original, and very memorable. The action sequences are too long, but they are pretty darn exciting. Overall, a fun, visually beautiful flick that just tries too hard to be 'Lord of the Rings'.
Alex Rider: Operation Stormbreaker (2006)
Disappointingly average
'Stormbreaker' is right up there with 'Eragon', and by 'right up there', I mean 'just as boring, forgettable, and wafer-thin'.
Most of the film's snooze factor is attributable to (read: can be blamed on) the lead actor, Alex Pettyfer, who inexplicably just looks bored throughout the entire movie. We, the audience, are supposed to feel scared when the hero is in danger, and sympathize with him when things go awry. This is impossible with Pettyfer, who never shows any emotions beyond that of a fence-post. The director could have stuck a cardboard cut-out of Pettyfer in front of the camera for all of his scenes and that would have worked just as well.
Also an issue is the film's tone- it is uncertain, dithering between all-serious, and fun-wink-and-nod-serious. One ridiculous eye-rolling sequence involves two female characters fighting each other in a house, with a television program match-cutting all the girl's actions. Why? I don't know. It's stupid, and under-dramatizes the seriousness of the situation at hand.
However, 'Stormbreaker' is a clean flick, with a lot of action, and at least it follows the book adequately, which is more than can be said for 'Eragon'.
Eragon (2006)
Disappointingly forgettable
'Eragon' is a film that could have been so much better. The acting is enthusiastic. The effects are excellent. The story is full of adventure. So what went wrong? The main reason is that the book has been incredibly compressed. The filmmakers seem to have inexplicably restricted themselves to only an hour and a half of film. Why? If an extra half-hour would help the story to flow more, and resolve some of the plot holes and blatant continuity errors, (horses disappearing, re-appearing, etc) then by all means, add it in! Films like 'The Lord of the Rings' and 'The Dark Knight' prove that a movie's running time is irrelevant as long as the story is told right.
Also, the movie tries too hard to live up to the standards set by 'The Lord of the Rings' and 'Star Wars'. If only the filmmakers had tried to distance themselves from those films, or perhaps have a shred of originality in costume or set design, then we, the audience, would not notice all the shameless rip-offs.
Also, John Malkovich's terrible, terrible delivery of the line: 'I suffer without my stone. Do not prolong my suffering.' always makes a little part of me die inside, but what can you do with a line like that? However, Eragon DOES have brilliant effects, most notably the dragons, and it looks fantastic. Colors are vivid and bright. They might almost distract you from all the plot holes and bad dialogue.
In closing, while some movies are so agonizing to watch that they continue to haunt you forever, 'Eragon' is mostly harmless and will not cause any long-lasting damage.
Transformers (2007)
BIG and MINDLESS- like a demented rhinoceros
There seems to be only two ways to go with 'Transformers'- either you hate the film, or you love it. I happen to hate it. With a vengeance. I suppose it's because the film COULD have been so much more. We have a decent, blockbuster idea- giant robots bent on destroying the world- and we also have... there is also... huh. That's all. But anyway, if all the other things were better, like the clunky screenplay, the mindless direction, and the never-more-annoying Shia, this COULD have gone somewhere.
The biggest problem I have with the film is that it has no brain. It is just one big explosion/sound effect/giant ILM robot after the next. I like big action sequences as much as the next person, but not all the way through a 144 minute film. The actual 'Transformers' are quite hard to tell apart. Director Michael Bay obviously thought that all the visual effects would distract us from what the screenwriter hoped we would think is a plot. (Ooo! Shiny!)
The humor relies heavily on cheap jokes. The first is when Sam gets his pants pulled off of him by a robot. Anticipated audience reaction: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!! LOOK!!! BOXERS! Another scene is when the kid is being chased by his car and takes off down the street on his mom's bike, which is pink. Anticipated audience reaction: He's a guy, and- get this- he's riding on a PINK BIKE!!! Oh, the HILARITY! My sides are splitting! Oh, STOP!!! PLEASE!! NO MORE!!!!
There are also quite a few crude jokes in this film that just don't seem to fit. One of the transformers pees on a human. Note to whoever came up with that: Having a transformer pee on a human does not heighten our level of respect or fear of said transformer.
All in all, this is a film with minimal story, head-pounding action sequences and stupid jokes. If you REALLY want to see this film, I recommend watching it late at night with the sound turned right down. Don't try and follow the story because there isn't one. Just sit back and play with your iPhone until the effects/explosions come on.
Iron Man (2008)
Deserves a lot more recognition
'Iron Man' is a very pleasant surprise. A brilliant, smooth story, witty dialogue and great effects make this a solid addition to the action-hero genre. The story takes a while to get to the meat of it, and there is not as much action as one would think, but I can honestly say I was completely entertained from start to finish. The dialogue is fresh and new and I don't recall any expository dialogue. Robert Downey Jr. plays Tony Stark likably with spark. The overall tone of the movie manages to combine sophistication with fun, something that many films die trying to accomplish. (*COUGH* 'stormbreaker' *COUGH* ) In fact, 'Iron Man' is so stylish and mature that it's a surprise it's in the 'Transformers' line at all. Highly recommended.
Adventures of Johnny Tao (2007)
Yes, this film is clean. But Clean Does Not Equal Good.
This is a film that that is bent on making it into the long list of 'Terrible Dragon Movies' and it takes to its task with a dedication that's admirable. The actors are sometimes slightly bearable. The plot is ridiculous. There is absolutely no humor involved.
The film starts off with a prologue of two Chinese guys (we do not have the luxury of names) in tacky costumes whacking at each other with weapons and saying grand, helpful things for the sake of exposition such as, 'Demon, you are strong. But I still have the dragon spear!', followed by holding the spear up so we can see he is telling the truth and does, indeed, still have the dragon spear.
One time during the fight, the bad guy says 'After I kill you I will feast on your flesh' and the good guy says 'You have bad taste!' in a cocky, self-confident tone so the film's entire fanbase can cackle delightedly at how daring he is, while, apart from those two people, everyone else can hold their heads and moan.
The two warriors both die after the dragon spear gets lost and the good guy gives his blessing to a little baby he just left out in the desert nearby, perhaps to watch the battle and cheer him on. (Wooo! Go Daddy!)
Cut to 900 years later. Johnny Tao is a supposedly eighteen year old with the most annoying frizzy hair I have ever seen, who lives in the sleepy town of Dry Springs, manning the petrol station which is going out of business, just like the rest of the town.
Johnny has a friend named Eddie. Eddie is a UFO searcher. This occupation is not mentioned again for the rest of the film, it is merely an excuse for Eddie to be using a metal detector so he can find the blade of the dragon spear.
So Eddie digs it up and is immediately cursed by the spirit of the demon. Eddie's eyes turn flame-red, and he starts wearing a pair of black goggles. Why? Probably to cut costs. All that red-eye stuff must be pretty expensive. Evil Eddie also enjoys pulling grotesque faces, saying 'Feed me' every eight seconds in a deep, synthesized voice, and stomping around town, turning the local people into zombie followers so they can eat food for him. That's right, all the bad guy wants to do is eat. Feel the fear.
This is where Mika comes in. She is a supposedly eighteen-year-old Chinese girl. She rides into town and assesses the situation. She meets up with Johnny, Lenny and Jenny (?) to tell them what's going on and why they need to find the dragon spear. When Mika is giving vital exposition, the film helpfully provides us with a spooky sound effect the whole way through so we can't actually hear what she's saying.
This is the turning point for the film. This is where things- (*gasp* could it be...?) yes, they actually GET WORSE.
Extras run around with digitally red eyes, stealing food and making snarling noises. Actually I'm not sure that these people are even extras, they're probably just random locals who wandered onto the set by mistake and were too polite to ask if they could leave.
Somehow, Johnny ends up in a gorilla suit wearing a pink graduation hat, fighting the bad guys in the shop. Why? Because the movie thinks seeing a guy in a gorilla suit punching people is FUNNY. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HELP ME I'M DYING FROM LAUGHTER.
Our film is then interrupted for a short documentary on lizards. Maybe the director thought that things were getting a little too violent and exciting, so he decided to let us rest for a while by letting us look at a lizard on a tree.
Lenny calls for backup and a girl police officer by the name of Angela arrives to help. She is easily the best character in the film. However, the movie gets her recruited into the zombie-clan within five minutes and then she disappears. I think it was at this point I lost all patience with the film.
In between some scenes, we cut to a shot of the moon, perhaps to assure the viewers that there is no need to worry, it is indeed still nighttime.
Evil Eddie's gang then all go to the Wise Dragon fortune cookie warehouse to eat all the fortune cookies. Johnny arrives at the warehouse and fights one (1) zombie and wins, because then Evil Eddie's voice can growl out of the shadows in an amused tone, 'Your kung-fu is impressive', so the viewers can quake with fear at how powerful Evil Eddie must be. Needless to say, Johnny wins the day with his 'dragon flight' move in the Wise Dragon warehouse so he can reclaim the dragon spear and Eddie returns to normal. The whole town returns to normal, and business thrives because of the publicity.
Here's how the whole thing SHOULD'VE begun and ended:
Director: I have this really great idea for a film about a dragon spear and a guitar and lots of red-eyed zombies- Studio Executive: Thankyou, next.
Or, even better:
Director: I- Studio Executive: Thankyou, next.
I can honestly say that the title is the most exciting part of the film. But, I suppose, when someone makes a film THIS bad, all the studio can do is make up a really cool name for it and hope that somebody buys it by mistake.
I mean, obviously the director had a small budget (i.e: ten dollars), but that does not excuse him from anything except special effects. You do not need a huge budget to write good dialogue, or to think of a good, original story.
Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging (2008)
This makes the teen generation look pretty stupid.
I am a fifteen year old girl and I loathed this film.
The film begins with the main character, a teenage girl named Georgia (with the most annoying accent I have ever heard), happily walking down the street dressed as an olive. She arrives at a fancy-dress party and has to face the terrible humiliation of being the only one dressed as a food. How will Georgia cope? Will she do the most natural thing and take off the costume if she's that embarrassed about it and have a fun evening with her friends? No, of course not. That makes too much sense.
What she DOES do is storm over to her friends, demand why they aren't wearing costumes like hers as they agreed, then deems their excuses as inadequate and runs out of the place, knocking over drinks and plates of biscuits and people along the way. She then goes running through the streets, still dressed as a stuffed olive. Actually, that scene is the film's main highlight as it did almost change my look of disbelief to a weak smile for a second or two.
After arriving home and throwing a full on tantrum which involves stomping on her costume, ripping photos off the walls and throwing all her teddy-bears onto the floor, Georgia takes a deep breath and announces to the family that she's going to be 'more mature from now on'. Well, she's made a good start! Drinks all around! At school the next day, suddenly Georgia and her three school-mates are all best friends again. Obviously there was a major plot point when I wasn't looking. And during their lunch break, they notice two new guys strolling through the grounds. And 'it's boy-stalking time!' Yes, that's their dialogue. Okay, maybe teenagers talked like that in 1886, but come on, screenwriter. Get with the times.
They stalk the poor boys through a montage, taking notes and spying on them through a pair of binoculars (and even breaking out into an utterly ridiculous dance routine at the end). I half expected them to all tie their shoelaces every time the boys turned around. But this didn't happen, mainly because the boys didn't, not once, turn around, a fact that I find pretty amazing. How hard can four giggling-screeching-in-uniform-linking-arms-armed-with-binoculars schoolgirls be to spot? And so, obviously, Georgia gets to know the guy she's got her eye on (Robbie) and yes, obviously he already has a girlfriend. Georgia is heartbroken. I was mildly perturbed. I imagined what Georgia would tell the rest of her friends to be something like this: You know that handsome guy I talked to for eight seconds? Well, he has a girlfriend! I've never felt so BETRAYED! Anyway, Georgia tries to make him jealous by going out with another guy
(screenwriter's motto: 'originality is, like, so overrated') he finds out and makes her feel bad
(oh, the twists and turns!) etc, etc. You know the drill. It's only been done eight million times already.
So, after a lot of boring events laced with clichés that are too tiresome to think about, let alone write down, Georgia and her bestie, Jaz, split up and throw catty insults at each other during a netball game, the grand, dramatic finale when Georgia stomps on Jaz's foot. Oh, the horror.
The second-last sequence in the movie is a bit of a mystery to me because at the start of the film, Georgia was unpopular in her school, but suddenly, her night-club is packed with what looks like the entire population of her state, everyone cheering and throwing confetti like she's just handed out free flip-phones. And then Jaz comes up to her and hugs her as if nothing ever happened between them, forcing me to conclude that an entire chapter was cut out of the film for pace reasons. Either that, or I accidentally slept through it. Anyway, for reasons the film doesn't care to share, Georgia is now officially a hero. I have heard of the term 'suspension of disbelief' and actively engage in it with popcorn-fare such as the Indiana Jones films, and any line Orlando Bloom says, but this is going too far. Sorry movie, but no humans act like this. Not in any state, in any country, on any planet.
I thereby conclude that 'Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging' is the worst teenage film I have ever seen. Eye-clawingly bad.