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iansputnik
Reviews
Land Shark (2017)
Really?
I didn't realise it was possible to make a movie this bad. Seriously. If I have a couple of school kids a video camera and a $10 budget, I expect more. Forget the 10 star reviews which were left with people trying to be witty, this is the pits. Pretty sure no actors were involved in it, just family and friends and passers by. It's not even so bad it's good, it's just so bad that it's bad. I couldn't find one redeeming feature in the whole film. How did anyone offer to distribute this shark turd. At least it was cheap to make and probably only took two or three hours to shoot.
As for shooting, pass my gun, I want to track down everyone involved in this and terminate their film careers with prejudice.
The Craft: Legacy (2020)
Promising but flawed
This wasn't a bad watch, but (and I mean lots of buts). Three of the four girls had no direct links to witchcraft BUT seemed to obtain them when the gifted one arrived without any personal talent of their own apart from owning modern books. Really, you can learn to be a witch from a purchase from Amazon?
The film teased at the idea that the bad man's sons were under his control but didn't like it, but no payout of this potential storyline. It would have really improved the storyline if they aligned with the girls in the end to defeat him.
Mr bad man- why? We never got any real explanation of his goals.
No repercussions for the death of demon dad. No mention of his orphaned sons. He was burnt to death, what, no police involvement?
Awfully annoying overacting by the other three girls. Zany whooping and dancing around and shouting in school corridors isn't interesting, it's just plain embarrassing. Also, thought she was meant to be in detention and went to the toilet. Didn't the teacher notice that she didn't return?
These are just a few of the things I found irksome, there are more.
A shame as it wasn't unwatchable. Didn't the producers of this try screening it for feedback before releasing it????
It's almost like it was a series that was cut to bits to make it into a film and by doing so subplots we're lost or discarded on the cutting room floor.
So promising, not well executed. But like I said, watchable. At least you'll be involved, and by involved you will scream at the TV screen every-time something doesn't make sense.
Tank 432 (2015)
Plotless twaddle
This is what a movie looks like when a school kid has a quickly scribbled out idea for a film and is given a camera. Zero plot. So called mercenaries who scream and cry all the way through the film. The 'Tank' is an armoured personnel carrier. Is that a tank? I guess it made the title snappier. None of this film made sense. Nothing is explained. Seems to have just pilfered bits of story from other films. I can't even try to piece together what any of this was about.
Army of the Dead (2021)
Snore fest of the dead
Waiting for the film to get going was like pulling teeth. The so-called professional tough guys just froze and looked at each other ever time they should have been shooting. Every time they should have been running, they just stood still gawping at each other for no reason. The treat of the zombies dried up in the sun reanimating if it rained never happened. No reason to lie about it being a money grab if all the guy wanted was an alpha sample. Couldn't fly in, but it was ok to fly out! How does that work in a no fly zone. Lead zombie can ride a dead horse faster than a helicopter, and he had to get all the way from the top of a building before mounting said horse. So many plot holes and bad script that I could spend many more pages trying to list them.
Cosmic Sin (2021)
When old actors prostitute their name for money
This looked like the sort of cheap children's programmes that used to be on at tea time. The camera work looked like it was filmed on a camcorder. Each line was a cliche stolen from other films. The plot, well there wasn't one. The so called aliens wore hooded uniforms and thus no money needed for fancy makeup. Bruce, what has become of your integrity? Did you get a tax bill and have to find money fast, so popped in to film this rubbish. I'm guessing it took about a day and a half to film the entire thing, so a quick buck for you. It was almost awful enough to be funny. Was this film made as a joke? Because just watched it and I don't get the punchline.
The Sunset Six (2013)
Under appreciated gem
This film may be small on budget but it's big on talent. The music is great and the script is excellent. Made for a great night's viewing. An understated film that deserves more appreciation.
Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)
Hyped to the limit
Well the hype machine was running on pure nitro for this one. One long road chase. No real story. Characters had no real character and the actors looked bored/embarrassed to be there. None of the charm of the original. This was a pitiful excuse of a remake of Road Warrior, although the film makers deny this. If you want to watch roaring cars driving through the desert whilst assorted petrol bombs and bullets fly by, then you're going to enjoy this. If you're looking for something with a bit more substance, then you'll have more luck sticking to your hot dog, because that will have much more than this film contained. I really thought this film was going to be a let down, but I made the mistake of believing the extraordinary high score on IMDb was an indication that I may be wrong. On seeing the film I now know I should have stuck with my initial feelings.
Prometheus (2012)
What?
Dear Mr Scott. Would you kindly return the 2 hours of my life that you 'stole' from me on Monday. 'A team fights terrifying battle to save the future of the human race', really? I must have slept through that bit. No wonder Ridley Scott has said that this is not a prequel to Alien. That would explain the continuity errors between the ending of this festering pile of dung and the beginning of the far superior Alien. The first hour of this film is a long yawn the second is a long disappointment. If you're going to make a prequel then do it correctly. If you state it is not a prequel then come up with an original idea, don't just pilfer bits and pieces from an earlier piece of work. Also, if you're going to release a film in 3D, then make an effort to shoot it in 3D. Don't just add a half arsed 3D makeover just so we can get ripped off at the cinema by being made to spend a couple of quid more than the 2D films. Really Ridley, go and sit in a darkened room and re-think your life.
Melancholia (2011)
What the hell
Was everyone who gave this a 7+ rating watching another film? If I ever meet the director I'm going to ask for the 2 1/4 hours of my life that he stole. After watching this I was hoping that his house gets hit by a falling planet. The lead character is a poor little rich girl who you want to slap to get her to buck up. Not sure how they got so many stars to appear in this drab, depressing, boring drama. It revolved around a wedding day reception full of well to do people. The bride obviously isn't that keen about getting married. There's a planet that is hurtling towards earth, but the experts say that it'll miss. That's about it. How can anyone make a film with a planet heading towards earth as boring as this is a real mystery to me. Maybe I'll try watching it stoned to see if that changes my perception of it. Then again, maybe I won't.