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elvisfan187
Reviews
The Smokers (2000)
Come on, at least watch it once! Single...File! Single...File!
This is the kind of film that would embarrass you if you watched it with someone else. A movie this bad only comes around every 30-40 years. So why not watch it?! It's not as crappy as Alone in the Dark or Cool as Ice. There are moments in this movie that will make you almost die laughing. As bad as it is, it certainly isn't forgettable. I didn't think that I would miss this movie, but I lost my VHS copy last year and I kind of want to watch it again. No, I REALLY want to watch it again! Of course, I will skip every scene that that Loeb waste of life is in. You'd think it would be funny to see someone recite lines with a blank expression on their face and put absolutely no feeling into what they say. He's not even good enough to be an extra.
There's a scene where Thora Birch does a parody of Night Before Christmas. During this scene there's some girl just sitting there lighting an empty bong. Seriously! There's nothing in the bowl, there's no smoke coming through the chamber, and you clearly hear and see that they didn't put any water in it. Doesn't anybody just roll a blunt anymore? During the second near-rape scene, Karen says one of the most messed up things I will ever hear in my life. "You don't know what it's like to have this gaping hole between your legs just waiting to be filled by the likes of you." I could not make that up even if I tried. Just before saying that, she ordered him to fill that hole with his tongue. Are you following this? She hates men, but is convinced that she needs them as well. Her character would've been better off just switching teams entirely. It certainly would've been more entertaining.
When the snobby rich parents come to visit, they decide to take their kids to lunch. Lisa's mom starts reciting poetry for no reason at all until the husband finally interrupts her by saying, "That's nice, dear." A nice way of saying, "If I cared about poetry, I'd just read it my damn self." Lisa is clearly offended for some reason.
During the third near-rape scene, after the guy that thinks he's a cowboy takes Jefferson's gun, his boyfriend walks in. Jefferson says, "Oh my God! You have AIDS?!" Did I miss something? Just because the man's gay? Most of the time when AIDS or HIV is transmitted sexually, it's from the opposite sex. Freddy Mercury didn't catch AIDS because he was gay, it was because he didn't think he needed protection.
Near the end, when Jefferson sets off the fire alarm, the teacher or principal orders the students to exit the building single file. This character makes it confusing as to who's worse at acting. The whole movie I thought it was Loeb, but I think this woman takes the cake. She doesn't say, "Single file." She actually says, "Single.....file. Single.....file." She doesn't even look at the students when she...tries to say these simple lines. She looks at the floor! At least Loeb can make eye contact.
Anyway, I said at the beginning of this comment that everybody should watch this at least once and I mean it. Why? Are you really gonna miss out on one of the worst movies ever made? For those of you who work in film or are wanting to, you must see this movie so you will know what not to do. Just be glad that the writer/director is in porn where she belongs.
P.S. Don't listen to anyone who tells you that girls rape guys in this movie. There are three attempts that turn out to be pointless scenes. The only rape is when Karen gets Deliverance'd. I know, I was disappointed too. They could've at least sat on some guy's face. Did I say that out loud?! Well, how else are they gonna learn? Munch the muffin, baby!
Madea Goes to Jail (2009)
The trailer lied to me!!!
New rule: If Tyler Perry wants to make another drama, he must not advertise it as a comedy.
After looking at the DVD case and seeing the trailer, I was expecting to laugh my ax off. I was expecting a comedy. I mean, look at the dang case! Madea is standing in the middle of a bunch of other characters that I quite frankly don't care about. She's standing in the exact center! And don't even get me started on the trailer. The only thing it showed was Madea's talk about "me time," Madea ticked off about the parking spot, and Madea surrounded by a SWAT team. This movie looked funnier than Norbit, which really isn't saying much but still.
I have lied to many people in my life, but the way Tyler Perry lied to us is unforgivable. I loved Daddy's Little Girls. Seriously, that movie is at least a 9/10. But the difference is that I was not expecting a comedy. Perry didn't advertise it that way, he was honest about what to expect. I would've appreciated it if I was warned that Madea is in less than half the movie. That's right, LESS THAN HALF! This is one of the movies where you have to program certain chapters in order for it to be a comedy.
For Christ's sake, he put Madea's name in the title of the movie! Isn't he aware of the unwritten rule that if a movie is named after a certain character, he/she better be in 50% of the movie. They need to be the main character which Madea clearly wasn't.
This movie needed a different title. For example: Pimps & Hoes, On Your Back for a Fix, or In Love with a Ho.
Let me ask you a question, did Top Gun advertise Val Kilmer on the front of the movie case? No. Because he wasn't a main character. Tom Cruise was! This movie reminds me of the Sweetest Thing. Remember how the first part of the movie made you laugh and then Cameron Diaz starts crying and you begin to feel uncomfortable because you weren't expecting this. If I wanted to see or hear people cry about meaningless relationships, I would go back to high school.
Anyway, let's get back to Madea. I still can't believe the main characters turned out to be a junkie prostitute and a man who doesn't know how to make crying seem believable. My God, it was like he was laughing with his eyes squeezed shut. Then there's the she-male in a women's prison. Does Tyler Perry really think that they would put a man in a women's prison simply because he had a sex change operation? I've read some comments for people who like to hate on Madea. They would be happy if Madea wasn't in the movie at all. I'm not one of those people. The problem with this movie is that it can't make up its mind on who the main character is and what kind of movie it wants to be. Like a 2-year-old who says he needs to pee and wants you to take him to the bathroom just so he can lay on the floor and laugh at how mad you're getting. Wait, where did that come from? Why couldn't this movie just give equal time to each character the way Boogie Nights did? Could you imagine if Dirk Diggler was only in that movie for less than thirty minutes? That's what Tyler Perry and the editors did to Madea. Maybe THEY wanted to focus on the other characters more than her but I think that I speak for many when I say WE DIDN'T!
"I lured her to a house full of horny men who surprisingly raped her!"
"Did you know that they were gonna do that to me?"
"I called out for you and you weren't there!"
This is not what I expected and I don't think I can ever trust Perry again after this crap! I voted 5/10 simply because Madea is in SOME of this film.
Cocaine Wars (1985)
If you are B movie fan, you might like this
Ah, back to the simple times. Back to the simple movies. Movies that deal with serious issues, but not as realistic as they could be. For a movie with a small budget, it was pretty good. I was buying a few VHS's at Vintage Stock when I saw the title. I'm a big fan of movies and documentaries that deal with the war on drugs because while I'm opposed to meth, cocaine, heroin, and pills, I have supported the NORML for 6 years. Many narcotics were illegalized in the late 1930's in America. Yet we still haven't even begun to make much of an impact. Most of the emphasis is put on marijuana, which is why we didn't make an impact during the crack epidemic, and there's no sign that we will with meth because in order to do so you must not discriminate.
But enough about politics. This movie is about a DEA agent in a foreign country going undercover in a cocaine ring. He's constantly insulting and threatening the kingpins, who apparently don't know how to their job. For example, if I worked under Escobar and I get screwed out of some money, the last thing I want to say to someone like him is, "One way or another, I'm going to get it from you. Just wait and see." I would be killed so fast, I wouldn't see it coming. So instead of the kingpin having the main character executed while he's surrounded by his personal army, he allows him to leave and waits to sends very few dimwitted thugs who easily get beaten. They put up less of a fight than the rape victim from Deliverance.
There is also one pointless scene where the main character is walking to a bar and is offered an Uzi from someone on the street. For no reason at all, he takes the gun, looks at it, puts it between the guy's lips and say's no. Come on, the man was just making an offer. Typical DEA agent! That's not what he's being paid for! This man is more cocky than the freaking' criminals are.
Anyway, he hooks up with his girlfriend, they escape death a few times, they have sex, protect a politician, etc. Then, they both get kidnapped. He gets briefly tortured and she gets smacked around. He escapes torture as easily as Seagal in Above the Law because these gangsters or whatever can't fight.
Now we get to the end of the film where our hero must rescue his girl who is kept alive even after he arrives at their "trap." You're supposed to use the woman he loves to lure him and then get rid of both of them. What's the point of keeping her alive while the hero is killing all of your men. Aren't these criminals supposed to be ruthless. I'm sorry, but I hate it when the bad guys have this much mercy. Why not do what Death Wish IV did, kill the girl just seconds before Bronson gets his man. Teach the viewers that you can't always get a happy ending.
Just like in Commando, there is no moment where you are given any doubt as to whether the hero will prevail or not. It just seems way too easy. Movies like this need some kind of tragedy or else they become forgotten or uninteresting. When the hero's woman is killed, the audience feels for him. Braveheart is a good example of this. When Wallace's wife's throat is slit, the audience is captured and their mouths drop wide open. This movie, as entertaining as it is, left me a little disappointed. It was as predictable as a made-for-TV movie and leaves you wondering what difference was made. So he destroyed the supply. What else? Did he go after the others? Were troops brought in? Did drug use decline in this country? Oh, what am I saying? They probably went back to their original plan: Spraying the crops with poison, even though it only affects the users.