Change Your Image
jimmykoy
Reviews
Rain Man (1988)
Lame Ham
The most inexplicably praised among a spate of late 80s/early 90s films and tv programs dealing with the plight of mentally retarded persons (others being "Kids Like These" and "Life Goes On"). Even worse is the film's driving force: Hollywood's assumption that society is as clueless and removed from reality as they are, so a movie must explain that having down syndrome or autism can be "difficult". Rain Man consists primarily of Dustin Hoffman whining and repeating irritating phrases, which nowadays qualifies one for automatic Oscar consideration. The trend only worsened in the late 90s, with Forrest Gump and Sling Blade. For those materialistic viewers not really moved by "'Tard Dramas", there are some Lamborghinis flying through the air, a grossly misplaced IKO IKO musical piece, and a scene in Las Vegas where Hoffman's character does what not even the most gifted autistic savant in real life can do. Ah the joys of fiction.....
Dawson's Creek (1998)
Dickson's Crock (of.............)
A WB Network show not set in "the hood", teens reciting moralistic paragraphs written by gay 30 year old men, endless product placements of crappy CDs---sounds great!!! This show could've been something, it started off on the right foot by not going all 90210 and having the characters suffer from every social ailment under the sun (pregnancy, date rape, anorexia, booze, drugs, gambling, cult brainwashing). Of course the Law of Teenage Television tenet #23456 mandated DC's eventual saturation with these awful storylines, so down the tank it went.
JAG (1995)
Unproductive
It's difficult to overlook this show's lack of originality and predilection for mishmash. Just a TV version of A Few Good Men with dragged out courtroom scenes and implausible action sequences for "variety". Super lawyers flying jets, parachuting into enemy territory, exchanging gunfire with opposing forces, and being fluent in ten languages? Good God! Far more ridiculous is that many of the episodes not only duplicate story lines of other films, but blatantly include their footage as well. One episode about the IRA ripped off numerous clips from In The Name of The Father. Another, where David Elliot is held prisoner in China, was taken smack out of Red Corner. I even recognized recycled segments from The Hunt for Red October and Crimson Tide during several submarine episodes. After these major flaws, it's barely worth mentioning the immature dialogue and amateurish special effects, but there you have it. One star out of four.
The Last of the Mohicans (1992)
This must be fiction
The French winning a battle???? Why not just have The Terminator fry those Huron suckas with an Uzi/shotgun combo? Daniel Day-Lewis slaying three Indians while running in slow-motion to save his beloved Cora during the post fort-departure ambush was more believable. At least Wes Studi brought a sense of vengeance that viewers could relate to (boy was that guy p***ed). "Magua took the hatchet to color with blood!!!!" He should have starred in the Death Wish movies instead of Charles Bronson. And why the hell did they give Jodhi May so few lines, then have her jump off a cliff??? If I were her agent, I'd be chasing down Michael Mann Crockett-n-Tubbs style. Best part of this film: Chingachcook using his, his, well whatever the hell that thing is called to boomerang/slash/club the enemies of Mohican. I'm sure Foxwoods' security staff would pay him good money to consult. Worst part: Chingachcook's 20 minute speech in the "Special Edition" DVD. Back where I come from, previously deleted footage is best left that way.
The Usual Suspects (1995)
Much spoken, little said
Though hardly new to American Cinema, the unduly praising of works saturated with empty chatter but totally void of meaningful exposition has ballooned out of control since the 1990s. Few illustrate this better than Al Pacino and Tom Hanks, who won Oscars in that decade for their inane utterances while the substance-driven competition was overlooked. Next we see The Usual Suspects, a similarly touted piece that does little to hide its loquacity, and even includes a ranting narrator named Verbal Kint. Sure there are duplicated moments of Tarentino gunplay where bullets and blood fly around, but that's the limit of the movie's action. After all, just when you are about to see someone particularly irritating be blown away (i.e. Kobayashi or perhaps Verbal himself), McQuarrie pops out and yells "Just kidding!" Some have likened watching this film to being on a transatlantic plane ride and forced to sit next to a thirtysomething salesman who simply won't shut up. Luckily, movies on average are only two hours long, and exits may be used safely at all times.
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)
"Lost a Movie George Lucas has, how embarrassing!!!"
Existing among Star Wars non-apologists are subdivisions who realized at different moments that this film was beyond repair. For some, it was immediately, upon witnessing Padme Amidala's courageous bout with danger and learning that female planetary monarchs are subject to term limits! Another faction of viewers might take issue with Anakin Skywalker's evolution from a bratty little eight-year-old to a whining, spoiled teenager (as I'm sure Lucas intended all along). Nevertheless, few can contradict that the clear point of no return was Yoda, now reduced to a CGI. Decently portrayed in The Empire Strikes Back as a wise teacher, the little green guy here is everything and everywhere at once. First he presides over the Jedi Council (ok, I think the whole council thing has been played out about a thousand times over in science fiction). Next we see him teaching Jedi nursery school, going so far as having his pupils greet Ewan MacGregor with "Helll ohhhh Mass Terrrr Obeeeeee Wannnnn" as pronounced in younglingspeak. Later on, he appears as a George Patton-like General in the heat of battle, uttering what will surely be the century's most ridiculous line: "Around the survivors a perimeter create!!!" erasing any remaining doubt of Lucas's incompetence in writing dialogue. After such horrible silliness, the average cinema patron is not even phased by the so-called Jedi Master's swordfight, which is so fast that it looks like Kermit the Frog working late in a meth lab without a mask.