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Reviews
Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood (2000)
One Sick Ass Movie
This movie is definitely soft-core porn. That's its downfall. Had this been a straight horror flick it would have been much better. Cinemax, HBO, and Showtime should pay attention to this. Notice:Soft-core horror flicks are bad. Worse than horror flicks. Worse than soft-core porn movies. If this movie is so bad, you may ask, how did I end up looking at it? Well, a friend popped it in, then left the room. You may think, to subject someone to this horrible movie, he's not that good a friend. The jury's still out on that verdict. The sexual interludes actually made this film worse. I was actually checking my watch during the sexual interludes. If this happens to you during a soft-core porn flick that's a very, very bad sign. In fact if this movie had just resorted to removing the sexual interludes I no doubt would have scored it higher than a 1. But I bet you're wondering, how do the sex scenes in a soft-core porn flick make it worse. If anything that's supposed to make it better, right? For Witchcraft XI, WRONG! If you haven't seen this flick yet and want to (though if you do, I feel very sorry for you, my friend), you may want to skip the next sentence and read on, cause I think I may be dropping a spoiler. This is why the sex scenes made this movie worse: In one scene one of the witches resurrects one of her sisters, then they proceed to get naked and have sex. I actually had to stop and say, "What the F***!" And I don't care if it is a soft-core horror flick, Spirits holding you down, pulling your shirt up, and raping you is never a good idea in a movie. Almost as bad as the tree-rape scene in whatever movie it was. I did have to admit that Officer Lutz deserved it more than anyone else, a payback so to speak for her being such a Queen C*nt throughout the movie. And with those hoish clothes she wore, more suited to a streetwalker than a police officer, I kind of had the feeling something sick like that would happen. I mean, when the first scene of a movie is a sex scene, you know two things. 1. That it's a soft-core porn flick. 2. That it's gonna be one good movie. Well, I was right about the first thing, but horribly, horribly wrong about the second. If you value a critic's opinion (and most people don't), then listen to what I have to say. I've seen plenty of horror flicks and plenty of soft-core porn flicks as well. If you're a fan of either (I happen to be a fan of both), avoid Witchcraft XI (and the other Witchcraft movies if they're any bit as bad as this embarrassment) like it's a person with the flu and you haven't had your flu shots. It's that bad. If you see this movie, I promise you will regret it.
High Freakquency (1998)
One hell of a funny movie!
This is one hell of a funny movie. When that Tyrell guy got beat up was hilarious. I mean all the ladies thought he was all that because of his line, "It's on point!" When Coffee Boy is mocking him ("Oh I love you, Tyrell." "It's on point!") that is true comedy. When the lady at the station's friend wants to meet Tyrell, and sees him, more funny s***. ("You is ugly, and I don't mean just mean ugly, I mean dirty drawers ugly!") Then he disses her and she and her friend beat him up, more laughs. When Coffee Boy is mocking the fallen Tyrell ("Come on, Tyrell, get up! It's on point!"), straight 100% funny. But tops has to be when the one dj gives a shout out to a cell phone company for their support at a station sponsored concert. It is so funny because anyone who listens to the radio knows djs don't give shout outs out like that. But then again, the people at this station take EVERYTHING to the extreme.
Shocker (1989)
And they said jumping into TVs was uncool!
This was a really good movie, but many people often overlook what my mom and I thought was the best scene of the entire movie: the scene where The Shocker and the "good guy" enter the TV. I'm telling you, that is one of the funniest scenes in a horror movie ever. Some people might be like: horror movies aren't supposed to be funny. Quit whining, cause this one is. When the people on Entertainment Tonight start talking about people complaining about The Shocker and the other guy fighting on different channels and the fight spills onto the ET set, when The Shocker knocks the other guy down then steps in front of the camera and says, "And that's the way it is!" Hilarious! That was so funny! The first time I saw Shocker that was the scene I remembered better than any other. It was like, "Can this be any funnier?" Let's not forget that Wes Craven was known just as well for his comedic genius as for his ingenuity with horror scenes. Give the man a break, cause when it comes down to it, Wes Craven will always be one of THE true horror movie geniuses. In the immortal (in more ways than one) words of The Shocker, "And that's the way it is!"