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Reviews
The Keeper (2009)
What I miss most- the laughter
So me and my friends have routinely laughed our heads off at the badly awesome collection of Seagal "not quite" classics. The Keeper still has some of those same laugh out loud scenes. But this movie's biggest problem is that it is marginally better than his other straight-to-home movies, but is still a lot worse than movies I enjoyed for their actual appeal. I prefer my Seagal movies to be either better than okay (Under Siege) or laughably terrible, yet entertaining (Killswitch). This movie falls in between to simply bad. One note that has been confirmed by IMDb.com and other reviewers: it was exceptionally odd that his last name suddenly gets switched from Sallinger to Ballinger. I did get a great amount of laughter from that. Also, how he stealthily manages to steal a compact handgun from a woman's purse in the hospital, even though the nurse in the room declared him to be very unconscious to take out someone coming to kill him. Made me have to pause the movie to laugh.
Frozen (2010)
Wow. Good for a laugh or if you really hate wolves.
I caught this movie on Starz randomly one morning and it woke me up...with laughter. I guess I could see where the concept was enough to get this idea off the ground...Three college kids get trapped on a ski lift over night until exposure leads them to drastic measures. The failure lies in the execution. The acting is hardly believable and the dialogue can get laughably bad. But it's still marginally better than the writing and plot. It seems these kids are doomed from birth, as they can't catch one break at all. The lift operator ditches them because he has to take a leak and forgets to come back, they get stuck at a height high enough to break their legs should they fall (which I doubt would happen with the fresh snow on the ground), the plow driver completely misses them after they throw their skis at them, and they have the climbing ability of a 3 year-old infant. It's almost as if the filmmakers started with the previously mentioned concept and then realized halfway through filming it wasn't good enough to carry an entire movie on its own, so we have to throw in some other exciting events to happen as well. And the wolves....I guess this might not be commonly known, but wolves are non-predatory towards humans unless in great hunger and would not attack until provoked. The fact that these wolves are just hanging around a frequently used ski slope waiting to attack these people is completely ludicrous. The heavy-handed drama that happens after a few hours on the lift is good for a few laughs, as is the movie itself.
The Descent: Part 2 (2009)
Why did they do this?
Anytime a movie is sent directly to home viewing, I know it's a bad sign. Yet, since this was the sequel to one of my favorite horror movies in the last ten years, I wanted to give it a shot. I want that hour and a half of my life back.
Though the basic premise behind the plot, a crew going into the caves on a rescue mission, could have worked, the execution was terrible. There is no way Sarah should have or would have been dragged back into the caves when she was near hysterics. The sheriff was the BIGGEST idiot I have seen in a long time and the incompetence of his decisions completely took away my interest completely. The other characters and their actors were mostly passable. However, most of the scares were recycled, then watered down from the first movie, save for one scene involving a rat (which is why the movie was given a 2 and not a 1).
The third act was outright terrible, even taking plot points from the first movie and butchering them. Juno should not have survived the first film, but if she did, Sarah tried to finish her off. There's no way they should patch things up so quickly. The final fight was a lesser version of the original's. And "SPOILER" the old man's actions at the end of the movie made NO SENSE. It seemed as though it were a lame attempt to add a Shyamalan twist, which itself is very tiresome and boring now.
This is a film that seemed not only terrible compared to the first movie, but went so far as to take away good parts from the original. If you want a great movie, watch the first Descent and skip over this film. In fact, if you see a copy of this version, destroy it. EPIC FAILURE.