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Reviews
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
More than just a childhood dream come true
As a child, born in the mid-80s, I loved Turtles. It hit the northern hemisphere seriously not until early 90s - around the same time the economical fallout after the decade of excess came around. I needed every toy, game, vhs cassettes of the animated series, anything... well, not too many wishes got granted, but one day my parents came home with this film. After a little confusion, oh wow... this must've been my first encounter with a piece of art that combined something I knew and loved with the very basics of a feature film meant to entertain: off-beat humour, fast-paced and convincing action scenes and even more surprisingly, some unexpectedly subtle and well executed dramatic scenes. That vhs got watched to death. Literally.
I do have to say that if it wasn't for the nostalgia factor I probably wouldn't have much to say here, but having said that, I still think this is a brilliant film. A rare case where the by-product of a comic turned into an animated series turned into a toyline turned out way better than it had to. I find it heartwarming, funny and exhilarating even today, over 30 years later. A joyful ride, still superior to any other interpretation of the subject or any other similar franchise.
Frozen Scream (1975)
Frozen Turd
There's a certain vibe one gets when exposed to movies of this caliber. It's like that time you went sniffing around sweet old auntie's cupboards and came across something not meant for your eyes. You feel a need to talk about it, but you can't since you've done a bad thing, might possibly cause some needless embarrasment for your dear auntie and what's worse, they'd label you as the broken pervert you are.
So what do you do? You pretend. Pretend you never saw it. You never even thought about it. See, phew, it's gone. What's Frozen Scream? Is Disney making ice cream now? Oh, boy...
But it doesn't work, now does it? Oh, no. Visions of awful music (also present in another audiovisual travesty called Don't Go Into The Woods), a completely botched dubbing track, pointless plot devices, dialogue scenes that feel like outtakes and quite random violence with no rhyme or reason fill your head. You have seen it. You have witnessed it. Now there is no turning back.
So how do you save yourself? Well, you try to see the funny aspect of this thing munching on your dying brain cells. Like the strange german accent of the main villainess, played by bargain bin movie veteran Renee Harmon. How to describe it? Well, she's no Ilsa, that much I can say.
First I thought the accent felt funny because it reminds me of Tommy Wiseau, but then it escalated into a theory that what if Mrs. Harmon was Tommy's mother in real life. It would explain SO MUCH, but then it freaked me out, so I had to change my theory. Just watch it thinking that's Jim Carrey in complete Man on the Moon -era Latka-mode and you're set.
Another thing that baffles me about this film is that it ended up on the Video Nasties-list, which probably is the main excuse as to why it was ever acknowledged at all. Now, after putting myself in the mindset of a conservative british auntie in the early 80s (might be the same auntie as in the first paragraph - or not) I can understand why so many violent films caused upheaval. By the standards of the time, something like Tenebre must've felt shockingly realistic. But this!?
My guess is that someone on the board of censors (or whatever they called their silly knitting crew) stumbled upon this waste of tape and just went "I can stop people from seeing this... I CAN STOP PEOPLE FROM SEEING THIS!" and that was that. They could've just let it be the ultra rare obscurity it is, but nooooo. Vinegar Syndrome did their thing and now literally anyone can see it. I seriously consider this a case where they just should not have bothered.
See how I struggle to actually say anything about it. Oh, you wanna hear about the scenes that probably caused the film's reputation as an obscene creation? Well, there is a barely topless woman, presented in a dream-like non-erotic manner, and the murder scenes are indeed graphic in nature. I might call them fairly realistic, if this was a homebrew film shot by a bunch of enthusiastic teenagers. What I think really caused its notoriety though is the henchmen. Those wild-eyed Harry Reems- and John Holmes-lookalikes seem like they must be packing some seriously hot stuff under those villainy robes. Like make-you-faint-by-a-sheer-glimpse -level hot stuff. Whatever it might be.
So by now you already know if you should or shouldn't see this, just as by now you know if you should or shouldn't have eaten all that Mac&Cheese that had been lying around in your fridge for a month. You wanna feel strange in a violated way? Frozen Scream is your gateway to that exact feeling.
La mansión de la niebla (1972)
An old-school creeper, sandwiched between genre classics and more graphic rivals
"Maniac Mansion" (straight translation from spanish would be Fog Mansion) is a decent chiller from an era when low-budget horror started to get more edgy, graphic and exploitative. Be it a budgetary constraint or an artistic choice, this film relies on creepy imagery, plot twists and a haunting atmosphere, so the viewer ought to put their expectations in that order.
The premise and setting definitely pay homage to the creepy classics from 1930s, but it does have a lot of Corman and Bava feel too. The beginning is fairly simple and we are gradually introduced to the characters before the film's actual star is presented - and that's the fog. You don't get this sort of spooky scenery too often and that makes the first act work so well. Obviously the budget wasn't big, but it seems they put the money in the right things.
Unfortunately by the second act the film stops on its tracks and starts digging until it has lost all of the suspense and found so much pointless exposition there's barely any ground left. It takes way too long for anything to happen and even then you are just stuck waiting if there's more dull dialogue scenes coming around the bend. That said, the script is not bad. The obnoxiously greedy characters combined with the female lead's sexual trauma and the grim circumstances surrounding the titular mansion are exactly the sort of cannon fodder a film like this could make work beautifully. But it just doesn't due to the half-baked second act. The ending tries hard to pick things up again and blow it into new, bigger proportions but it's too little too late. What a shame, since this could have been an underrated classic, a little gem that dared to combine old influences with a contemporary setting.
Netherworld (1992)
This movie should be called BIRD PEOPLE
...since it involves birds more than nethers, and is an absolute turkey.
The premise for the dullest film ever made goes like this: Cory inherits his recently deceased father's huge estate, so he travels to Louisiana to check out the place. There he meets the estate's caretakeress and her daughter, and also finds out about a nearby brothel, run by a mysterious woman. So now Cory must decide if he's going to be one of the undead bird people his father apparently rooted for, or just the cool and wealthy loverboy he's clearly thriving for. While he contemplates this for around 80 minutes, various strange occurrences take place. Intermittently.
If prompted, I'm pretty sure I could explain in detail what happens and why in this film but I sure hope that will never happen. At first it feels like it's slightly ripping off Lucio Fulci's spectacular mess of a film The Beyond (the parts concerning unexplained violence and the house inheritance) but then it reminds me of Phantasm (brothel instead of graveyard, seductress instead of tall man, a flying concrete hand with fingers replaced by snakes instead of the flying marble thing). Turns out it is ne(i)ther.
The oh-so-profitable low-budget horror market was winding down by the early 90s, so it was time to try other things. Basic Instinct introduced the modern erotic thriller, and that was hot at the time, so that's the way they went. Directed by David Schmoller (hailed for his work on Tourist Trap and arguably the most well-known Full Moon film Puppet Master) it should have been a fair effort, combining a stylish mystery with the supernatural and the softer than softcore erotica.
The supernatural effects are entertaining, but about 30 seconds of bloodshed and stop-motion snakes in a film that feels like it lasts three hours won't make a difference. The erotic moments are so far-removed from anything touching or enticing that I'd probably get more fired-up by reading out-loud old Jallu Magazines (a finnish adult media primarily known for their raunchy content in the conservative 1970s). The ridiculous and uneventful plot could be forgiven if the film stood out in any of these areas, but it's so dull and uninspired throughout, there's just no salvation.
Having said all that, you have to forgive this film for its flaws, since it was clearly a rushed production not capable to reach its actual potential - whatever that might have been. There are a few silly scenes where it shows notably, like when we see the flying hand from pov perspective and the camera cart's shadow is visible on the wall. There's also a moment when Holly Floria forgets her southern accent, even though through the rest of the film she exaggerates it with such a finesse Daniel Craig would be proud.
To be completely honest, there are a couple of atmospheric moments. The seedy blues tunes played by Edgar Winter sort of strengthen the hazy feeling for people like me from the other side of the pond, that this is exactly what life in the american deep south must be like. There's a cheesy and jazzy love theme as well, played by none other than Bon Jovi's keyboardist. Gladly Mr. Bongiovi isn't there to vocalize the scene, since that would make me automatically remove a star.
The film has a few gags too, some of which I was able to enjoy. The best one is a cameo, played by the director himself, as a bartender who constantly rolls a beer bottle on the tip of his finger. That is a seriously astonishing ability I did not know human beings are capable of. Imagine how many bottles he must've smashed while practicing!
Lastly, I must mention that this film truly testifies that Charles Band and Roger Corman share the same dna. Netherworld has ne(i)ther the starpower or the set designs that made the Poe-era Corman movies memorable, but it does have the exact same sleep-inducing effect. It's not much but it is something!
Also, it can't be completely redundant since it evoked such a lengthy review from me. Thanks for reading!
The Seduction of Rose Parrish (2021)
Surprisingly subtle little drama
For some reason this film was listed in horror titles at the Full Moon Features streaming service, so I took a glance and probably would have turned it off if the 15-minute rule could have applied... but it didn't, since this film only lasts for approximately 30 minutes.
Not that there's any particular reason to not like it, but I was having a horror marathon, and this is a sweet, little tragic drama with a bit of erotic content thrown in just so the viewer remembers who made it. It's a good effort for a small budget short film that has no more than three actors and a big house. They all do a decent job to move the story, but keep a gentle distance to the viewer.
Nothing much to brag about, but it's definitely one of the more stable and mature films from the huge catalogue of Full Moon.
Killbots (2023)
Out for vengeance, with all circuits blazing.
If you want your killer cyborg film quick and silly and prefer the titular robot as a busty female, Murderbot by revered schlock master Jim Wynorski is probably up your alley. As one can expect from a film directed by Wynorski and released by a company like Full Moon Features, it's cheap and very self-aware.
Running less than 50 minutes, you might expect a tight and fast-paced story. Mostly it is, but the main part which is about a bunch of dumb teenagers trying to escape the clutches of the digital killer is sadly quite a drag, and underwhelming at best. A couple of decent effects or stunts might have made a difference, but there's no effort whatsoever.
There are some funny gags and the science lab parts would be entertaining even without the gratuitous nudity. But the simple truth is that when given a chance to see a silly Terminator-variant, you expect some action scenes - that would be playing the concept for granted. This is just lazy and rushed beyond belief.
So if you wish to see an action-packed film with a female main protagonist, take a chance with the finnish indie exploitation tribute The Defiler - you won't be disappointed. If it's the Terminator-angle you're after, check out Atomic Cyborg aka Hands of Steel by Sergio Martino. It's italian post-apocalyptic exploitation cinema at its finest.
Blood Beat (1983)
A spree-killing samurai hits the woodlands of Wisconsin
If you're like me, you look at new horror films with a frowny face. What's with the remakes, the constant reboots, the sequels of the reboots and then with the mockbusters! What ever happened to all the original low-budget horror films? There used to be such a big market for all the quirky, unintentionally schlocky flicks!
That's when you dive to the vhs dumpster that is the Full Moon Features streaming service, pick something up with the tiniest amount of consideration possible and finally end up correcting your opinion: it's all just a collection of knock-offs, some of which just happened to turn out truly strange.
A french-american co-production, Blood Beat seems at first like an Evil Dead impersonator (a group of people get stalked by a mysterious force in the woods of rural Wisconsin - sound familiar?) but it turns out to be quite different. For a fan of clumsy horror, probably the most thankful thing about this movie is that the antagonist is not a living dead as such or even a sasquatch. It's a japanese samurai, because like the director said: "Why not?"
This film is as puzzling in its incoherence as can be. The family itself is actually quite realistic in its dysfunctional qualities, even going as far as showing the siblings trying to set up Monopoly while their cat helps by laying down on the game board. Also, the way the family mother welcomes his son's girlfriend with a cold shoulder for the holidays at her home really creeps me out. But that's about it. There are good and bad psychic powers at play, mysterious paintings that cause seizures, a poltergeist that concentrates exclusively on kitchen utensils and a telephone, the gleaming eyes of buddha, gritty killings that cause remote orgasms, a kind husky with eyebrows of the devil and a wasted opportunity of a murder scene concerning a waterbed. Yeah, it's one of those where you can list all the strange details but can't even begin to explain the plot properly.
While it is incredibly clumsy, at times frustrating and lacks captivating on-screen action and decent gore effects, there are some redeeming factors. The soundtrack is fascinatingly weird, consisting of experimental minimalist synthesizer music and famous classical compositions. Some of the photography and lighting look quite convincing and the on-location sets put the viewer in the correct mood. The editing is strange indeed going off the rails with trippy optical stuff and psychedelically filtered pov shots, but not entirely off-putting. It's something you want to see completely and in all of its glory once you start.
What's most interesting is that this off-brand avantgarde incarnation of Evil Dead with Predator as the villain was almost lost forever. The 35mm prints from which Vinegar Syndrome created the 4K version suffered from moist and mold damage. They've certainly done a huge effort here.
Pledge Night (1988)
Anthrax, acid, frat boy pranks and a bodycount.
It's great Vinegar Syndrome keeps unearthing forgotten b-movies. Here (meaning Finland) most of their releases are not just obscure, but films that were never released at all. Although I must say the excitement of seeing something new makes the experience kind of fragile. You forget a bit too easily that most of these titles are straight from the bottom of the barrel.
That being said, Pledge Night is not that bad, or at least not in the same pile as their worst releases. The actors actually feel like students, they have a chemistry, the movie has a point and an understandable structure and the sets feel believable plus there's surprisingly many outdoor shots, which boost up the mood since there was a snow blizzard during filming. The original soundtrack cues and Anthrax songs fit in nicely plus Joey Belladonna plays a cool cameo.
Considering the budget, the effects are pretty cool and creative too, although you can tell how they've made most of them. I'm not sure if some of the effects shots were never re-discovered or if the budget just wouldn't budge, but they set up some of those scenes so the viewer is waiting for it to escalate, but then cut into something else, which is a bit of a drag. Surprisingly some of the frat boy stuff is actually more gross than the bloodshed, and it's been reported that writer Joyce Snyder researched the subject thoroughly, so that part of the suffering was real!
So if you go in with zero expectations and realize that what you're seeing isn't exactly spectacular, it is an enjoyable horror comedy. It feels like they really tried to get out the best of it and had a lot of fun.
Zombi 2 (1979)
A later career high mark from a genre director
While the italian genre cinema was already on its way towards decline in the late 70s, one of the country's most prolific and versatile genre directors was still able to create something fresh. As a result he revived his own career for a while and influenced a whole generation of directors - as well as calling in the schlocky copycats to feast on his film's reputation.
All in all, Lucio Fulci's Zombie is a high mark for the whole genre. It is not a film meant to take seriously, and it certainly isn't one you should put on when in need of something suspenseful. It's a bleak, slow and at times absolutely tedious, yet unexpectedly fun trip to the caribbean.
I enjoy the straightforward storyline even with all its predictability. The cast performs on a scale of mediocre to great. The sets feel real and the foreboding atmosphere really gets you hooked. Though on this level it's nothing special, it's one of those pieces which somehow age well and get better on multiple viewings. It's been over 20 years since I saw this for the first time (it was the UK cut on vhs) but the main theme still gives me proper chills.
Then there's the extensive graphical content. The "flower pot" zombie design is still one of my favourites and definitely not something you expect from a film of this caliber. They are the highlight of the film. They are not just the corpses of the recently dead coming back to life. There's something almost corporate evil about these zombies - it's like they want you to suffer and give all your energy for them before they start chomping on your body. And suffer the characters in this film do, in ways many and often incomprehensible. But no matter how far it goes, there's a comic book-kind of feel in the violent scenes, so you learn to expect crazy things. So for the need of something crazy and old-school, go for Lucio Fulci's Zombie.
Quella villa accanto al cimitero (1981)
Fulci's first step towards the drain
House by the Cemetary is the last part of italian director Lucio Fulci's so-called Gates of Hell-trilogy. To me it seems the whole trilogy thing was a coincidence they used for marketing purposes. These films were made practically back to back and it just so happens they all have this "lovecraftian vibe".
On paper it is not a bad effort, since it does include all the typical Fulci tropes: sudden and extremely graphic violence, surreal and barely explainable plot turns and some lavish sets you get too see lots of due to the meticulous camera work. The idea is not bad either: a scholar and his family move to an old house that has some dark history. The house is creepy (the lavish set -part, obviously) and in the beginning there is that familiar bleak and foreboding atmosphere.
Sadly, the script is so incoherent it feels as though the actors on the screen have no idea what they are doing or who are they acting. Due to the convoluted structure it just becomes mind-bogglingly boring and manages to build up absolutely no suspense whatsoever. You simply stop caring about anything that goes on.
I would be willing to forgive a lot of the movie's shortcomings if there were more redeeming factors as Fulci's movies usually have, at least up until this point. But here you get very little for your troubles. So if you want to see where exactly the old masters really started to lose their touch and had to give up the spotlight to the next generation... have a look at House by the Cemetary.
Contamination (1980)
They are green. They are stationary. They are many.
Luigi Cozzi is one of the great historians of italian cinema. The stories he tells! But a great director, he is not. However, considering the budgets and constraints he had the outcomes are not all terrible. Or at least are terrible in an entertaining fashion.
Contamination is a James Bond/Alien rip-off that is also reminiscent of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. See, this is what I love about italian exploitation. They go above and beyond with their influences, and sometimes stumble upon something that actually feels quite original. This is not a bottom-of-the-barrel production either: aside from the soundtrack cues which are outtakes from the Goblin soundtrack of Dawn of the Dead, there's no stock material or other cheap-assery.
The cast is decent, the gory special effects are gross and hilarious at the same time and the camera tends to linger on the carnage, so it's a treat for the practical effect enthusiast. Other than that, it's your average dumb fun that has nothing to offer as far as suspenseful moments, intriguing plot twists or satisfying endings go.