Reviews

Lynn-Holly Johnson (from Bond movie FOR YOUR EYES ONLY) is running a family funeral home while her grandfather is away on vacation (he has a heart attack on the beach, and the gag about his body being left undiscovered is truly stretched to breaking point). A life-long friend who can't admit that he loves her (David Michael O'Neill from DEMONWARP) exchanges banter while helping beat an audit that has discovered a discrepancy in the amount of bodies buried in an attempt at a (PG-rated) bad-taste screwball comedy. Themed funerals seem to be a means of making quick cash and saving the business, so a corpse is shot from a cannon, one service has a burlesque theme, a dead stripper pops from a cake (!) etc. Billy Barty (who is funny in anything, even this) and Murray Langston (aka The Unknown Comic) are Hope and Crosby (in one of several unfunny comedies they served together in around the same time, including WISHFUL THINKING), workers who make pizza in the crematorium (and offer pretty much the only halfway decent gag, a visual reference to CITIZEN KANE). Linnea (Quigley) is a ditzy make-up girl. Other weirdo customer parts are filled by Ruth Buzzi, Yvonne Craig, Nita Talbot, Dawn Wildsmith and Gary Owens (known for being on Laugh-In with Buzzi, but more importantly was the voice of Powdered Toast Man on REN & STIMPY, and the mighty SPACE GHOST) makes a last-minute cameo as a wedding minister. Truly dismal and devoid of laughs on every level. Johnson (who's given a "hilarious" long Greek family name) tries hard, but she lacks comic timing, and it's not as if she has much to work with anyway. Which brings us to (the late, as of of 1993) Tom Pardew (the Executive Producer), who's story Weirdo Funeral it's based on, who gave himself the part of Johnson's annoying older boyfriend and love rival of O'Neill (who wears make-up, hysterical!!), who wrote the dreadful theme tune and (reading between the lines) re-edited Byers' cut (which can't have been any less amusing, surely). Stay very far away from it. MORTUARY ACADEMY was a more adult-appeal variation from around the same time.

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Fun, humorous (and concise at under 50 mins.) BBC TV documentary look at the British softcore sex movies (mostly comedies) of the 60's and 70's. It's based on David McGillivray's book of the same name, and McGillivray is a great interviewee, bewildered that the dated tat he helped to make was such a success, while most of the rest of the movie world had moved on to hardcore. Also very funny is Robin Askwith, talking about the sobering behind-the-scenes details of the CONFESSIONS.. series that took the genre overground (from private cinema clubs) to massive financial success. George Harrison Marks and Pamela Green (seen in scenes from PEEPING TOM) discuss pioneering the form with Kamera magazine, and later 8mm mail-order shorts, before hitting the big time with the likes of NAKED-AS NATURE INTENDED. Less well-known but pretty influential were the nudist shorts of "Michael Keatering", and he is interviewed here as Edward Craven Walker, seriously discussing his "naturist propaganda" (i would love to see EVES ON SKIS!). Other interviewees include Donovan Winter, Norman J. Warren, Bachoo Sen, the late Ray Selfe (who McGillivray scripted WHITE CARGO for), Anna Bergman (Ingrid on the god-awful and cheerfully racist ITV sitcom MIND YOUR LANGUAGE), Sue Longhurst (who doubled for Susan George in STRAW DOGS) and Francoise Pascal (who also suffered the indignities of MIND YOUR LANGUAGE as Danielle). The late Mary Millington is discussed, and seen in clips from COME PLAY WITH ME. Other clips include ESKIMO NELL, PERCY, THE NINE AGES OF NAKEDNESS, KEEP IT UP, DONWSTAIRS and THE PLAYBIRDS (among others). Angus Deayton hosts. Shown originally as part of a Forbidden Weekend devoted to censorship, alongside EMPIRE OF THE CENSORS.

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Martin Clunes is really quite excellent as John George Haigh, the notorious "acid bath murderer", a post-WWII serial killer in London who dissolved those he offed (for money) in barrels full of sulphuric acid, pouring the resulting gloop down the drain! TAGGART creator Chandler's fine script is done justice by Bradbeer, who uses the TV movie look to good effect, capturing the musty, dusty world in which this ghoulishness took place. Fine period detail too, one minor anachronism being NOSFERATU at the theatre (it was not re-issued in the 40's as far as i know). With Keeley Hawes, Richard Hope and Celia Imrie. It was the middle entry in a true-crime trilogy penned by Chandler, following THE LIFE AND CRIMES OF WILLIAM PALMER, and followed by THE BRIDES IN THE BATH.

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A Japanese student in Tung Huan, China (star Toshiro Mifune, who's production company made this) is rescued from slavery by a Japanese Buddhist monk (Tadao Nakamura), and accompanies him on a journey along the Silk Road (the locations were actually shot in Isfahan, Iran) to fetch some Buddhist relics to take to Japan and build a temple there. In a small town they encounter an oppressive King (Tatsuya Mihashi), and Mifune is sentenced to die for his impudence. Nakamura replaces him at the stake, to be pardoned if Mifune can get the relics to his younger brother (Toshio Kurosawa) and return in the space of three days (this part of the story is based on Osamu Dazai's famous and quite excellent short story Run, Melos!, a variation of the Roman DAMON AND PYTHIAS legend). The locations obviously made an impression, as this historical adventure seems to have a very Arabaian Nights-flavour (Mifune and Taniguchi had previously collaborated on THE LOST WORLD OF SINBAD). The SFX include a tornado, and some nice miniature work. Ichiro Arashima as a kindly wizard (who sleeps underwater) and Hideo Amamoto as his old hag nemesis with control over a "Hell Pond" made of oil provide the fantasy elements. Makoto Soto (of DESPERADO OUTPOST fame) hams it up as the real villain of the piece. Mie Hama, Akiko Wakabayashi (both soon to be eye-candy in YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE) and Yumi Shirakawa provide the feminine glamour. With Minoru Takada, Akihiko Hirata, Jun Tazaki, Sachi Sakai, Susumu Kurobe, Ren Yamamoto, Ikio Sawamura, Naoya Kusakawa and a score from Akira Ifukube. It's the kind of all-star, gimmicky big release of it's day that's forgotten and mostly ho-hum entertainment today. Taniguchi is most well-known now for providing one of the source movies (KEY OF KEYS) that WHAT'S UP, TIGER LILY? spoofed.

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Journalists are permitted to look around the military base in the notorious Area 51, just to prove that there are no aliens there. But in the lower levels there are indeed extraterrestrial lifeforms that escape and kill. One is a faceless humanoid who can replicate anyone (leading to boring who-is-the-alien situations stolen from THE THING), the other a tentacled man-in-a-suit monster (not a bad retro creation, a cross between ALIEN and EVIL SPAWN/WASP WOMAN). Another nice, wise alien is called J. Rod. A very boring Syfy release from the Director of THE DEVIL'S TOMB. With Bruce Boxleitner as a Colonel, Jason "what happened to may career?" London and Rachel Miner as heroic grunts, John Shea as a famous news anchor and Andrew Sensenig. Mukerjee was also Co-Producer.

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Scott Adkins (a charisma vacumn) stars as an orphan raised by the Koga Ninja clan in Japan. You'll think Godfrey Ho is back and working for Nu Image as good ninja Adkins must fight bad ninja Tsuyoshi Ihara (following Sho Kosugi's career path?) in New York (obviously sets in Bulgaria). Ihara is working for corporate cult Illuminati types, and wants to get his hands on some sacred ninja weapons. Mika Hijii (from ALIEN VS. NINJA) is wasted as the love interest who also studied ninjitsu, but needs to be rescued by Adkins all the time instead of kicking ass. Competent in terms of action choreography, but why a kids movie plot with adult-orientated graphic CGI bloodlettting? With Todd Jensen.

Bill Nighy is a high-priced, mother-dominated, methodical and lonely assassin. He's hired to kill mischievous kleptomaniac Emily Blunt after she rips gangster Rupert Everett off with a forgery of a self-portrait by Rembrandt. Predictably, he ends up protecting her instead. Rupert Grint (from the HARRY POTTER series) is along for the ride as an apprentice. Old-fashioned crime farce is a remake of a French movie from 1993 (when the ideas might have seemed fresher), has a few scattered laughs, but overall the high quirk factor is debilitating. With Eileen Atkins as the wheelchair-bound mother, Martin Freeman as a rival assassin (with very white teeth), Gregory Fisher, Rory Kinnear and Geoff Bell.

Tony Schiena stars as a tough martial arts-fighting undercover cop framed for drug possession and sent to Blackwater Penitentiary, Chicago (cheap, unconvincing sets), where most of the musclebound crooks he sent down lay in wait for him. He's forced to fight to the death in illegal cage fights run by kingpin inmate Vinnie Jones. The cast includes several MMA fighters: Joe Doerksen, Forrest Griffin, Rashad Evans, Cheick Kongo and big Kimbo Slice. But even the action is boring. Bai Ling is utterly wasted as a sadistic guard with a silly haircut. Total dtv sludge.

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A young, naive post-nuke couple (Steven Curry with Sideshow Bob hair, and Martha's mother Shelley Plimpton) leave their commune to search for "the city" (using Wonder Woman comics as a reference). They never do find it, and she dies during childbirth at the end of this mostly dreary, low-key 16mm American Film Institure-backed effort that received an X for casual nudity when released in '71. The best part is early on with Garry Goodrow (a jobbing character actor who later co-wrote HONEY I BLEW UP THE KID) excellent as a lecherous motormouth travelling "magician" who puts on a show (great use of The Rolling Stones' Time Is On My Side). Shot in California and Oregon. The first screenplay attempt by then-hip novelist Rudy Wurlitzer, he wrote TWO-LANE BLACKTOP next. McBride had already made a couple of documentaries and David HOLZMAN'S DIARY. He made HOT TIMES (also with Curry) next.

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This particularly odd Buchanan concoction opens with some street punks with guns holding-up a NYC hospital for drugs. Jenny Neumann is a pregnant patient who suffers a miscarriage as a result. While recuperating she gets word that photographs taken by her photographer husband who went missing in the Congo have been discovered. They seem to show missing link ape men (pretty good face make-up by Greg Cannom, assisted by Rob Bottin). So she goes to "Africa" (Malibu State Park, not a convincing substitute) to continue the research. Her guide and most of the men she meets (including Stuart Lancaster from Russ Meyer movies as a poacher) are total sleazeballs, so a welcome alternative is to befriend the ape men, eventually sleeping with one (!) and staying in the jungle to become a mother (or "Ape Lady" as the jaunty, out-of-place theme tune, not dissimilar to the one from QUEEN KONG, puts it). Amid this loopiness, the sexy, very leggy Neumann has welcome topless scenes. One guy says to his girl "why don't you just shut up and...function". With Barbara Leigh and a man-in-a-suit gorilla. It's just the kind of endlessly tedious yet hypnotically odd obscurity that late night TV was made for. Nicholas Josef von Sternberg (son of highly respected Golden Age Hollywood Director Josef von Sternberg) was the Cinematographer (he had previously shot DOLEMITE, ALEX Joseph AND HIS WIVES and DEATH DRUG among others, and went on to shoot the likes of SKINHEADS, NO RETREAT NO SURRENDER 2 and HOSPITAL MASSACRE). Buchanan made THE LOCH NESS MONSTER next.

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Fashion Hell

Three guys go to a cheap brothel called Shogun, where the girls remove customers of their penises in violent ways (i.e. biting into a sushi dick roll). Unfunny and unsexy cheap gore comedy (indebted to Takao Nakano) has a few surprises not worth waiting for, and wastes the sultry talents of three adult video actresses (Saori Hara, also in 3D SEX AND ZEN, Mint Suzuki and Asami) who have done good dick-stiffening work in their regular gigs. Released outside Japan as Part 2 of the Nippon Splattererotics series (between THE BIG TITS DRAGON and EROTIBOT).

This minor epic (set in the 10th Century) directed by a former AD of Kurosawa and Mizoguchi , and based on a novel by Matsutaro Kawaguchi (a novelist and playwrite who's work has been adapted to the screen a lot) has an extremely involved plot (based on a legend which it totally re-writes). Kazuo Hasegawa is the Shuten Doji "demon" living in a heavily guarded mountain fortress. Raizo Ichikawa is the General for the Genji clan, who believe they are in danger from the demon. But things are not at all what they seem. Shintaro Katsu co-stars as a samurai who slices the arm off a demon posing as a beautiful woman. His future real-life wife Tamao Nakamura has an important role. Others are Kojiro Hongo, Fujiko Yamamoto, Ganjiro Nakamura, Naritoshi Hayashi, Ryouzo Shimada, Saburo Date, Jun Negami, Jiro Izawa, Jun Tazaki, Kichijiro Ueda, Gen Shimizu, Sonosuke Sawamura, Eitaro Ozawa, Michiko Ai, Sachiko Hidari, Fujiko Yamamoto, Shinobu Araki, Uzo Nanbujo, Ryozaburo Mitsuoka, Shintaro Nanjo, Seishiro Hase, Kimiko Tachibana, Reiko Kongo, Fumihiko Yokoyama and Yukio Horikita, Tanaka provides some nice compositions (with the aid of Hiroshi Imai's colourful cinematography), and there are decent set-pieces, but it's overlong and lacklustre at 114 mins. Fantasy elements include a bull in the sky, a giant spider and a cool stop-motion flying demon head briefly during the opening credits. Not to mention deadly party streamers as a very cheap special effect! Of some interest to those studying Japanese cinema, history or folklore. Tanaka later directed Ichikawa in the brilliant THE BETRAYAL, and Katsu in the TOUGH GUY movies.

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A manned space-flight is trapped by the strong magnetic pull of an "Iron Star". The crew land on the surface and discover other downed spacecraft. They drive a cool land-cruiser, have a robot and encounter a shadow-like entity that can "eat" crew members through their spacesuits, and doesn't like light. Meanwhile Earth of the future is a peaceful Communist utopia that resembles Ancient Greece! Characters discuss the compression of time, and watch satellite images on a huge screen, including a woman dancing in red silhouette against the backdrop of space, 300 years ago!?! The 66 min (jumpy, faded quality) DVD print i saw (it was originally 77) had very badly translated subtitles, so i may be missing something. There's also a romantic subplot. Confusing as this was, i really dug the evocative alien planet scenes (real pulp fiction art come to life), and the entire movie is visually very impressive. I also liked the scene of recreational trampolining aboard the spaceship (in the background), and the odd soundtrack of repetitive organ stabs. With Sergei Stolyarov, Vija Artmane, Nikolai Kryukov and Gennadi Yukhtin. It's based on the 1957 novel by Ivan Efremov (1908-1972), a real-life scientist who developed Taphonomy, a fossilization science in the 1940s. Shot at the Ukrainian Dovzhenko Film Studios, a proposed second part (based on Efremov's follow-up novel The Bull's Hour) was never made.

A down-on-his-luck debt-ridden taxi driver (Ha Jeong-woo) in Yabian (a forgotten no man's land bordered by North Korea, China and Russia) is made an offer by gangster Kim Yoon-seok to clear his debts by travelling to South Korea (in the most horrible, degrading way that illegal immigrants suffer the world over on a daily basis) and killing someone (bringing back the thumb as evidence). While there, Ha also hopes to find out what happened to his (treacherous?) wife who left to work but disappeared. Need i mention that things go wrong, and a monumental *beep*-storm escalates? Viewers worried that Director Na had peaked with his amazing debut CHASER (starring the same two leads) can rest assured that this paints violent tragedy on a bigger canvas, and includes some breathtaking action and thrills. Not for the squeamish. And don't forget that wicked streak of blacker-than-black comedy. Highly recommended. With Jo Seong-ha. I saw the 156 min. theatrical cut, but a shorter (140) Director's Cut is available.

Long-awaited and really quite terrible big-screen live-action remake of the very influential long-running anime series that debuted in 1974 (and the 1978 feature spin-off FAREWELL SPACE BATTLESHIP YAMATO) stars Takuya Kimura (who's too old) as Kodai (or Derek Wildstar to STAR BLAZERS fans!), the brash young fighter pilot who has to take over as Captain of the titular (modified naval battle)ship on a mission to obtain a radiation-eliminator from the planet Iskandar, in a future (2199) when the Earth is ravaged by meteor bombs fired from Mars by the Gamilas. The VFX (overseen by the experienced Director Yamazaki) are surprisingly good for the most part, but everything else (acting, alleged comedy, endless melodrama) is just awful (and only laughable now and again, so it's dull too). The production values are pretty paltry, so you never feel the huge scale of the adventure, and static, isolated scenes on the bridge of the ship (more LAND OF THE GIANTS than STAR TREK) really grind the momentum down (it's way overlong anyway). Scenes on the surface of Iskander reminded me of STARSHIP TROOPERS, or rather a video-game based on that modern sci-fi classic. And don't get me started on the charisma vacuum that is Meisa Kuroki (as awful here as she was in ASSAULT GIRLS). Romantic scenes between her and Kimura totally lack chemistry, and just resemble two narcissists feeling each other out before a pout-off! Tsutomu Yamazaki doesn't have much to do as bed-ridden Captain Okita (who will remind British viewers of Captain Birdseye above all else). With Toshiro Yanagiba, Toshiyuki Nishida, Reiko Takashima, Hiroyuki Ikeuchi, Naoto Ogata, Shinnichi Tsutsumi, Kazuki Namioka, Yoji Tanaka, Kazuki Kitamura, Isao Hashizume, Miyu Sawai, Natsuhi Ueno and the voice of Ibu Masato. When it finally ends, we're tortured by a horrible Steven Tyler song (Love Lives) during the end credits. I'll sum up with this: during pre-release promotion for the film, TBS TV studios (who backed it) in Akasaka had a replica Yamato out front and a regular scheduled "light show". Me and the wife saw it, and were throughly underwhelmed when one single thin green lazer pencil light danced about a bit. But it was a pretty accurate summation of what to expect. To quote Mr. Horse from REN & STIMPY, "No sir, i didn't like it".

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If you could cast anyone as the king of the vampires, would you choose Vinnie Jones? That's just one of the problems plaguing this laughable horror-action outing shot in Wilmington, North Carolina. But the main problem is our leading man, one Michael Matthias (also a producer, tellingly). Matthias has exactly one facial expression, whether sad, angry, happy, trying to be funny or banging on about his Shelby Super Snake racing car (it's mentioned a lot). He also narrates in a dull monotone (for some reason a Brendan Kelly gets a special credit for writing this insipid monologue). Anyway, Matthias has to kill Cain (Jones), an evil resurrection of his dead soldier brother who was killed on manouvers in Afghanistan. He's aided by Michael Madsen as a sub-machine gun-totting priest. It ends with a shootout at an old factory-turned-nightclub filled with vampires (inspired by BLADE i guess), and an extended car-chase (Director Picerni has been a stuntman since the early 60's!). Competing with Matthias and Jones (who's souther accent is forever slipping) for the worst actor on-screen is rapper DMX (who doesn't last long). With Armand Assante and William McNamara.

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Makoto Sato stars as a deserter posing as a journalist towards the end of the (second) Sino-Japanese war (that's WWII, kids) in Manchuria (i guess). He travels to the notorious titular military camp, made-up of all the scum from other postings (it's built-up a bit much, doesn't seem that bad, apart from the guy who shoots Chinese for target pratice). Once there he playfully investigates a supicious apparent double suicide and (spoiler ahead) uncovers a supply embezzling scam. Considered the first feature with which Okamoto truly found his voice (the first he scripted himself), the farcical stupidity-of-war elements would later be expanded on in classics like THE HUMAN BULLET. But it's also a commercial action movie, and manages to balance it all out pretty well (although someone more knowledgeable than myself may have issues with it's politics). The self-serving, reluctantly heroic leads put me in mind of a nicer WILD BUNCH. Two major cameos come from Kiji Tsurata as the leader of Chinese bandits caught between warring factions, and Toshiro Mifune (barely in it) as a comic-relief Commander with a screw loose. With Izumi Yukimura, Tadao Nakamura, Ichiro Nakatani, Yosuke Natsuki, Tatsuyoshi Ehara, Chieko Nakakita, Toki Shiozawa, Ikio Sawamura, Ren Yamamoto, Akira Tani, Sachio Sakai, Yutaka Nakayama, Nadao Kirino, Michiro Yokoyama and home-grown rockabilly legend Mickey Curtis. Sato (memorable in THE H-MAN) makes for a pretty cool rubber-faced anti-hero (a little like Bunta Sugawara's gleeful younger brother), and as this was a hit, he returned in five sequels (two of which were by Okamoto).

The influence of ALIENS (which Mattei had already ripped-off years ago with SHOCKING DARK) is still strong in this direct sequel to ISLAND OF THE LIVING DEAD. Survivor Yvette Yzon is rescued at sea, and (after being a monk for a bit) is later called upon to help escort a military team to another remote island (or, an old disused factory somewhere in the Philippines) where zombie samples from the original isalnd were taken to study. They encounter horrible medical experiments, zombie kids, a dwarf dressed as an overgrown mutant foetus zombie and, at the end a big pulsating brain that controls everything (Yzon goes all Sigouney on it with a flamethrower). A zombie baby bursts from it's mother's womb like in ZOMBIE 3. The more expensive submarine footage is from CRIMSON TIDE(!), and the climatic exploding oil refinery is obviously from somewhere else too. It's much more boring than it's predecessor though. Jim Gaines (who appears as a zombie) was Production Co-ordinator. It was the late Mattei's final film, and is dedicated to him.

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Mr. Brooks is fired from his office job when his boss finds out that he is a nudist ("scandalous"). Little does he know that his secretary Ms. Bell (a redhead) is secretly Mrs. Brooks, and also a member of the same lodge (Sunny Palms, Homestead, Florida). A mutual business partner turns up at the resort too, and hatches a plan to get the disapproving boss to stay there. Of course he learns to love being naked under the sun and re-hires Mr. Brooks. A happy ending. This simple, laid-back color movie (that runs just over an hour) has almost the same relaxing vibe as Wishman's classic NUDE ON THE MOON. As well as the expected volleyball, Sunny Palms members line-up to shoot hoops (!), lounge on see-saws, do archery (with rubber-tipped arrows) and (my favourite) sit around swaying while a naked dude plays the accordian. I love it! Also note the fact that it rains (a rarity in nudist camp movies, but surely an occasional reality). Unfortunately Wishman's final three nudist flicks (PLAYGIRLS INTERNATIONAL, BEHIND THE NUDIST CURTAIN and THE PRINCE AND THE NATURE GIRL) remain lost. Her next phase was the stark b/w NYC psychodrama, beginning with BAD GIRLS GO TO HELL.

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A piano and music teacher (Kim Jin-Kyu) and his seamstress wife (Ju Jeung-Ryu) are busy being middle-class and upwardly mobile, renovating a second home and buying all the new material goods (including a TV set). Enter into this already somewhat dysfunctional setting a simple-minded housemaid (Lee Eun-Shim) with her eyes on him. One act of infidelity and a myriad stupid reactions to it fueled by desperate, stifling adherence to social conventions results in a bizarre, absurdist psychodrama that must have packed quite a punch at the time. Thanks to a restored DVD print remastered by the World Cinema Foundation (thanks Martin Scorsese), modern audiences can now enjoy this unique cult gem (and do double-takes at the fourth-wall-breaking coda). With Um Aing-Ran and Seong Ei-Ahn (later a very famous actor) as the young boy. The great b/w photography is by Kim Deok-Jin. Director Kim (apparently quite the auteur, and here's hoping for more of his works are re-released soon) more-or-less remade the same story twice (in 1970 and 1982), and 2010 saw an official remake.

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Werner Pochtath is excellent as a traumatised deaf-mute office worker who's pushed over the edge by the cruel teasing of his co-workers. He visits a morgue and cuts up the recently dead female corpses with his knife. He removes one corpse's head, and the eyeballs from another. He goes one step further when he buys a glass straw and uses it to drink blood from the dead, and his murder victims. Scenes of Pochtath slurping blood like milkshake (and in one instance dribbling it over a dead person's face) are disturbing and unforgettable. He also collects dolls. This eerie, dreamlike obscurity is well-made and pretty fascinating (it's based on a true story). It should be as well known as George A. Romero's similar MARTIN (made around the same time). With Ellen Umlauf, some surprising nudity, a spooky soundtrack and odd dilaogue on the English language dub.

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Based on Wood's novel, this very laid back and cool nudie horror comedy is a classic. Criswell (in a Dracula cape) introduces and narrates ("some of you may faint"). A badly acting couple (Pat Barrington is the girl) drive their car at night (although in longshot it's day) looking for a graveyard. He's a novelist who explains how he needs inspiration for his horror stories (in great Ed Wood dialogue that continues at intervals throughout the film). The car crashes and they find themselves outside a graveyard where various strippers dance for Criswell, his Vampira-like assistant (The Black Ghoul) and a mummy and a wolfman (who are great fun as comic-relief). The Indian girl is first, then the streetwalker (who has a skeleton in her act and pretty much just walks around). On to the gold woman ("throw gold at her" yells Criswell) who's finally dipped in gold (she's also played by Barrington). Criswell laughs hysterically at this point (he usually just nods his head at nothing in particular). The mummy and the wolfman discover the couple watching and tie them up ("Fiends! Fiends!"). A woman dressed in leopard skin with cut outs for her tits and buttocks dances next. She's also whipped by a man. "Torture! Torture! It pleasures me" announces Criswell, and the slave girl dances. A Hawaiian girl who worshipped snakes (stock footage of a rattlesnake). A woman who killed her husband and dances with his skeleton watching (she really seems to enjoy doing the twist). The zombie woman, another one and then finally the sun comes up to turn Criswell and the ghoul into skeletons before the couple are sacrificed. An ambulance crew tends to them and it turns out maybe the whole thing was a crash-induced hallucination. But Criswell's narration suggests maybe not. Ted V. Mikels was a cameraman for this thoroughly enjoyable experience. Don't miss it! In Sexicolor! Photographer Caramico made SEX RITUALS OF THE OCCULT. Robert Derteno was the Art Director. Many more Wood/Apostoloff movies followed through the 70's.

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Wow! Where to start with this one? A couple of guys (the wisecracking, vaguely Nicolas Cage-like Ralph, played by Director Cartel, and Jason, played by Al Valletta) run an insect ranch (worms and snails) in Death Valley. They see a couple of guys bury a box in a shallow grave. They open it up to find a beautiful naked blonde woman (alive). Then a bunch of other women capture them at gunpoint and take them to a ranch populated by only women (one of them punches Ralph out). They tie them up, almost brand them and use them as sex slaves, but they're eventually initiated (!) into this cult. But they still have to perform menial tasks and are constantly under threat. One mean girl ("every man i've touched has died a violent death") tries to kill Ralph repeatedly (a running joke). The rest of the time they hang around the dark house swapping non-sequitors or having inane conversations (the stilted dialogue delivered in the most wooden way is jaw-dropping). Jason seems to be enjoying himself! A pistol duel ends with a trick backfiring gun killing one of the women ("oh wow man, her head's all gone"). Other random scenes involve a living portrait and women doing exercises or dancing against stark, black backgrounds, and there's video inserts of tits over and over again. This thing just gets weirder and weirder...Eventually we discover that the girls are gunrunners (!) who want to steal back a suitcase of platinum (!!) from mobsters with a warehouse in the desert. But it turns out to be plutonium (!?), and the penultimate scene is straight out of the classic KISS ME DEADLY. The very ending involves nuclear waste and (i think) vampirism. Un-beeping-believable! Could it be a twisted sexual fantasy for real weirdos, or "stupid bug farmers"? Who can tell? I liked the large chess board rug, and the scene where Ralph and Jason discuss their escape plan quite loudly in front of their captor. Cartel (who had a part in PETS) also wrote a crime movie called BITTER HERITAGE. Valletta was also in HOLLYWOOD'S NEW BLOOD and co-directed 1982's ALLEY CAT. And where have i heard snatches of the synth score before? Movie reviews at: spinegrinderweb.com

1913 saw the release of the novel Seven Keys To Baldpate by Earl Der Biggers (a forgotten but very influential writer who also created Charlie Chan). That same year George M. Cohan adapted it for, and starred in, a hit stage version on Broadway. There were three silent movie versions in 1916 (from Australia), 1917 (the only one that still exists) and 1925. This is an early b/w talkie (hit) starring the very likable Richard Dix as a famous trash novelist who accepts a bet that he can't write a book in 24 hours while staying at the remote upstate New York Baldpate Inn (during a snowstorm). His work is interrupted by unexpected intruders of all kinds, all of whom believe they have the only existing key to the place. There's possible murder, mystery, intrigue and lots of droll comedy, and a double-twist ending. I enjoyed it quite abit. With Miriam Seegar, Margaret Livingston, DeWitt Jennings, Lucian Littlefield, Nella Walker, Alan Roscoe, Crauford Kent, Harvey Clark and Edith Yorke. Arthur Hoyt was cut out. To put this into context for horror historians, D.W. Griffith took the popular elements of Baldpate and made (the hit) ONE EXCITING NIGHT in 1922. This led to an Old Dark House revival that led to popular plays like The Cat And The Canary, The Bat and The Gorilla, which in turn led to classic movie adaptations that really ramped-up the horror elements, and a slew of imitations jostled for attention for years to come. James Whale's early parody was the brilliant THE OLD DARK HOUSE in 1932. Further Baldpate movies were in 1935, 1947 and 1982 (HOUSE OF THE LONG SHADOWS).

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Tony McCabe stars as Mitch, who develops psychic powers after he is electrocuted and has his face disfigured by a loose electric cable. He tries to rape a nurse while he's in hospital who says "a freak lie you should have died". While working as a forune teller, an ugly witch offers to give him back his looks if he'll become her lover. The cackling, horny hag tricks him by transforming into a beautiful blonde and he finally gives in, looking very pleased and smarmy with his new face ("my proud peacock"). The witch also has big lips tattooed on her knee. Meanwhile, a schizophrenic ("a part-time madman") is strangling and burning women and even becomes a sniper. A sleazy government agent/doctor wants to use McCabe to help the local police find the murderer. He gives him L.S.D. to heighten his psychic powers, but the L.S.D. scene is a bit of a letdown (McCabe just falls asleep and has a red tinted dream). Dr. Jordan tries hitting on the witch (who's visible to everyone but McCabe as the lovely Elizabeth Hale) while McCabe plays around with other women who seem to find him irresistible. McCabe also leviatates at a party and communicates with a ghost in a church. This surprising gem also has a character assaulted by a bedsheet, very bad acting, weird gunshot sound FX, bad karate, Lewis regular Jeffrey Allen and a lot more crammed into it's short (less than 80 mins.) running time. One of Lewis(who also photographed)'s best, and the effective music by Edward J. Paten became Something Weird Video's signature tune. Hurley Directed THE PSYCHIC the following year.

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