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david-beukes
Reviews
The Box (2009)
The only reason I voted 1 was because no lower vote is allowed
The problem with The Box isn't the casting - which is actually rather good. Nearly everyone acquits themselves well.
It's the godawful story, and the equally horrendous script. It's not just the writing team that deserves unrelenting punishment for this steaming turd of a film, but the people that financed its production. Who, in their right minds, having read this thing, turns around and says, "Yes, that's brilliant, here's a squillion dollars to make it a reality"? I've seen websites which give you an indications of when the best time to take a pee break is without missing any major plot points. Since no one seems to have done it for The Box, I'll help out: right after the opening credits have cleared the screen, you can safely leave the theatre.
The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency: The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency (2008)
You'll like it if you know nothing about Africa
It's difficult to know where this adaptation starts going wrong, because I think the problem begins with the books themselves. Alexander McCall Smith has worked out that you read them not for the detective stories, but for his deeply condescending and completely spurious vision of an Africa that does not exist. He's done for Botswana what Borat did for Kazakhstan - not as successfully, but based in as much fact.
Once I realised this, it ceased to gall me that Jill Scott, an American singer/actress, is cast as Mma Ramotswe. If she is to represent a land that is not Africa, how appropriate that she is a black woman who is not African? She's not the only American on the cast; Mma Makutsi is played by Anika Noni Rose. Both women are far, far too young for the roles they're playing, and far too glamorous. Both brutally murder the local accents, and both focus so entirely on this brutality that they fail to offer much in the way of acting. Scott's Mma Ramotswe is bouncy, cute and soft. Rose's Mma Makutsi is an annoying motor-mouthed bitch.
The result is almost unwatchable. The principal cast is redeemed only by the presence of Lucian Msamati, who turns in a decent performance as Mr JLB Matekoni. Hes comes off smarter and more intense than in the books, but I find myself unable to blame Msamati for this - he's a shining light in an ocean of suckage. The contradictions between his performance and the books are clearly laid at the feet of whichever committee of butchers wrote the script.
To me, McCall Smith's writing has always been highly entertaining yet notoriously bad. He refuses to be edited. As a result, his books contain experiments in grammar that border on the scientific, and characters that change name mid-sentence. It is therefore something of an achievement that the writing team on this project actually made it worse.
The dialogue is now largely Anglicised. Characters speak of "opening up" and "sensitivity to needs". Mma Ramotswe and Mr JLB Matekoni flirt openly. Mma Makutsi moans about not having a computer, but given her constantly restyled hair, makeup and jewellery, I'm surprised she doesn't have a MacBook in her handbag along with her Visa card.
So what are we left with here? It's difficult to be upset with this crappy adaptation because honestly, most of the things I like about the original books are apocryphal anyway. McCall Smith paints a fictional Botswana populated with cute, non-threatening black people who are full of amusing and palatable wisdom-nuggets. It reads well despite linguistic travesty, but it is a vision of how a certain type of white person wishes black people were. It just isn't true.
Given that, it's hardly surprising that this show sucks as much as it does. It remains to be seen whether European and American audiences will even notice, however.
The Golden Compass (2007)
Good FX, though
The problem with this movie is not with its cast (with the possible exception of the consistently awful Nicole Kidman). Nearly all acquit themselves very well.
Nor is it with the special effects. Readers of the book will be relieved to hear that the bear fight is as epic as could be hoped.
Rather, the problem is a crap script, and tedious pacing. The film fails to engage. Its narrative relies on the assumption that you've already read the book and are simply in the audience to see the fantasy world realised.
And indeed, if this is the case, you will not be overly disappointed: the visuals are stunning. It's just that the work is badly adapted, and slow. I spent most of the movie wishing, if they weren't going to bother to tell the story could they just get on with the good bits already?
It's almost as if the film knows it sucks: by leaving out the climax of the book - and thus neatly avoiding your expectation of a sequel - the film acknowledges its utter failure to engage you.
The Invisible (2007)
Inspired until the last 5 minutes
I would have rated this movie 8 out of 10, had it not been for the last five minutes.
I am annoyed. Up until then, I really enjoyed this. The story is compelling, the actors extremely well cast (considering most are largely unknown), and the direction is tight and punchy.
The film hardly ever drags, and along the way we worked out what was going on only moments before each stage is revealed - the pacing is ace.
Which is why the end is so annoying. I guess I should have been tipped off by the fact that the awesome soundtrack features Death Cab For Cutie.
This movie dressed up in black. It pulled on torn, black garments, painted it's eyes and nails black, and just as I was about to point and yell "GOTH!", it gelled its fringe over one of its eyes, sat down in a corner, and cried about how no one understood it.
This movie is emo as f*ck. Watch it only if disappointment is your thing.
The Jane Austen Book Club (2007)
Delicious
I like movies with spaceships in, preferably exploding at some point. Also shooting, sword fighting and violent death. Oh, and car chases. And if I can't have the above, then can there at least be some explicit sex please?
And yet I loved this movie.
I loved the nerdiness, I loved the intimacy, I loved watching it unfold exactly as you know it's going to. And the chemistry between Hugh Dancy and the gorgeous Maria Bello crackles off the screen.
I know, I know, you could level this movie without much effort. You wouldn't even need that big of a stick. But you find yourself not caring.
This film is pure pleasure, start to finish. I gladly relinquish one of my Man cards for saying that. I'm off to watch something with guns in to compensate, though.
The Deaths of Ian Stone (2007)
Interesting ideas
I saw this movie by accident. It is not a movie I would have elected to see had I known more about it, despite being largely a horror fan.
I was surprised. It's dark and fantastic, and (at least initially) reminded me of Dark City. It begins very well, with huge potential.
For the first half I was genuinely excited, on the edge of my seat, thinking, "This movie rocks!"
And it did. It rocked hard. For the first half.
And then it nosedived into a congealed vat of epic suck. Why? Because despite well-written, believable dialogue and flashy, convincing special effects ... it falls back on tired clichés.
They set up this epic paradigm, this terrifying situation, and then ... well ... Love saves the day. No really, it does. I could feel the sickly sweet tendrils of this puerile Hallmark conclusion reaching out from wayyyy before they started dropping brick-heavy hints that it was coming.
I resent the writer for drawing me into the dark seedy whisky bar of this masterfully constructed paradigm, only to hand me a diet cola. Bait and switch!
Not even the fact that Love allows our hero to defeat evil by disembowelling it managed to cheer me up.
I'm still rating this a 7 because of how well it's written and how good it looks, but I'm annoyed, and I feel strangely betrayed. For **** sake, you can't show us that much gore and then tell us Love Triumphs Over All.
I think I'm mostly peeved because this had the potential to be a cult movie; the sort that gets shown at festivals year after year. Great idea wrecked by crap Hollywood mentality.
Universal Soldiers (2007)
Just because you can make a movie, doesn't mean you should
Picture this: You're having the most horrible, vivid nightmare possible, made doubly worse by the fact that you don't know it's a nightmare. You wake screaming, dripping with sweat.
Relief floods your body as you realise it was all just a dream. Only something isn't right. You're still in the nightmare - and it gets a whole lot worse.
Again, you wake screaming. Again relief floods you. Only something isn't right ... etc etc
Universal Soldiers is just like this, only boring.
The choice between blinding myself with a table fork and watching this again is a difficult one. I'll have to get back to you on that.
Deep Rising (1998)
This movie rocks
Monster movies hold few surprises. There will be a large ensemble cast and a scientifically preposterous monster or two, who will systematically eat said cast. A handful may survive.
What makes a monster movie stand out, then, is characters and pace - and Deep Rising delivers in spades. This movie is relentless, and really funny, often when it means to be. Treat Williams and Famke Janssen provide some of the best work of their careers.
The film has a high enough budget that the creatures look really good - actually super creepy - and there's plenty of gore and impractically flashy sci-fi guns.
It's not an Oscar winner, but I own it on both VHS and DVD. Highly recommended.
Painkiller Jane (2007)
Extremely soporific
In fairness, I didn't get beyond the fourth episode before my brain went into a self-induced coma to protect itself. The show may have subsequently improved, but I am simply not bored enough to find out.
I don't really want to single out actors as a reason why this show exerts such cosmic suction, mostly because the technical department are more to blame than they are. Also actors are typically following direction and working from scripts.
Which brings me to my next point. I really wish that this type of show would be called "Has the same name as a comic book" rather than "Based on a comic book." It might get far less negative reviews if it attempted to gain its own audience rather than grabbing for a ready-made audience who are only going to shoot it down if it isn't instantly brilliant.