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WCW Beach Blast (1992)
Beach Blast 1992 Review and Ratings
Junkyard Dog, Tom Zenk and Big Josh defeated Tracy Smothers, Richard Morton and Diamond Dallas Page (Not on WWE Network).
**/***** Scotty Flamingo defeated Brian Pillman (c) for the WCW Light Heavyweight Championship
**/***** Ron Simmons defeated Terry Taylor
/***** Greg Valentine defeated Marcus Bagwell by submission
***/***** Sting defeated Cactus Jack Falls Count Anywhere match
****/***** Ricky Steamboat defeated Rick Rude 4-3 in a 30 Minute Iron Man match
**/***** Dustin Rhodes, Barry Windham and Nikita Koloff defeated The Dangerous Alliance (Arn Anderson, Steve Austin and Bobby Eaton) (with Paul E. Dangerously and Madusa) by disqualification Six-man tag team match
****/***** The Steiner Brothers (Rick and Scott) (c) vs. Terry Gordy and Steve Williams ended in a time-limit draw Tag team match for the WCW World Tag Team Championship.
The Light Heavyweight division is already in trouble, no challengers of Pillman's level mean it is on borrowed time. This is a mat-based match with only a smattering of what you would like to see from lighter, more agile performers. The finish is terrible too. Scotty Flamingo is not an engaging character.
Johnny B. Badd is insufferable as the host of the bikini contest. The whole process is pure filler. Madusa and Missy Hyatt were gorgeous, of course, but this is a waste of everyone's time and the innuendo is sub-Carry On level. It also ends on what is, ostensibly, a sexual assault. All around it's thoroughly grubby.
Simmons continues his winning streak which is all good, his match with Taylor is fine but lacks any real purpose or pizazz. Greg Valentine has no place on a PPV in 1992, his ponderous, oldskool styling is a real anachronism.
Positives - Ventura sounds honestly annoyed he didn't get to MC the bikini contest and is funny when he does get involved.
Sting and Jack have great chemistry, Cactus was always a very convincing maniac, and an incredible bumper, the exact kind of foil Sting always worked best with.
Steamboat and Rude have a dramatic and well-paced Iron Man match, a stip that can only be carried by talent like this, and a quality, heated feud. Rude's panic at the end is a great touch. The Steamboat/Jack brawl is great stuff and points the way for Ricky's next challenge.
Unlike his former Freebird buddies, Terry Gordy and his tag partner Steve Williams carry serious, hard-hitting legitimacy in '92 and their match with The Steiners is great.
WCW Wrestle War (1992)
Wrestle War 1992 Rewview and Ratings
The finest War Games match of all time, Pillman and The Steiners save the event from a terrible undercard.
Diamond Dallas Page and Thomas Rich defeated Bob Cook and Firebreaker Chip (Not on WWE Network).
*/***** The Freebirds (Michael Hayes and Jimmy Garvin) defeated Terry Taylor and Greg Valentine (c) for the WCW United States Tag Team Championship
**/***** Johnny B. Badd defeated Tracy Smothers
*/***** Scotty Flamingo defeated Marcus Alexander Bagwell
*/***** Ron Simmons defeated Mr. Hughes (with Cactus Jack)
/***** Super Invader (with Harley Race) defeated Todd Champion
/***** Big Josh defeated Richard Morton
***/***** Brian Pillman (c) defeated Tom Zenk for the WCW Light Heavyweight Championship
****/***** The Steiner Brothers (Rick and Scott) defeated Takayuki Iizuka and Tatsumi Fujinami to determine #1 contenders for the IWGP Tag Team Championship
*****/***** Sting's Squadron (Sting, Barry Windham, Dustin Rhodes, Ricky Steamboat, and Nikita Koloff) defeated The Dangerous Alliance (Steve Austin, Rick Rude, Arn Anderson, Bobby Eaton, and Larry Zbyszko) (with Madusa and Paul E. Dangerously)
The tag match for the useless US Tag titles is ponderous and by 1992 The Freebirds have no edge whatsoever, they look like your uncles dancing at a wedding. As Grunge is ready to take over the world Hayes is shouting about Skynard. It is kinda cool to see Precious in their post-match interview though, for old-time's sake.
Johnny B. Badd and Smother have a reasonable match but it has no heat, Ventura does a fantastic job adding interest, stating that Badd's finish is illegal.
Bagwell is the worst kind of white meat, waving babyface at this point. Who knew he had the late 90s version of his character in him? The only more incredible transformation is that of Flamingo into Raven, their match is not good.
Catcus injures JYD to turn a useless tag match into a useless singles match. Mr. Hughes' ability to gain employment for so long in wrestling is a mystery.
Super Invader, a masked Hercules Hernandez, squashes Todd Champion, something that shouldn't even be on free TV.
The indignity of Richard Morton having to job for 'Big' Josh requires no other comment.
Positive -
Ventura is in fine form on color.
The Steiners batter Fujinami and Iizuka in a blindingly good match, eyes swell shut, blood dribbles from lips, and suplexes are thunderous. A Fantastic bout.
Pillman and Zenk tell a good story of former partners who read each other's intentions in their match, which benefits from a build-up package. Pillman's heel tendencies come to the fore, and what a heel he will become. The highlight for me is Ross claiming Minnesota native Zenk must be one of Ventura's sentimental favorites, Ventura responds "My favorite Minnesota wrestler is Arn Anderson!" And who can blame him?
The War Games match is so perfectly booked, everyone involved is part of inter-linking feuds. Sting and Koloff add intrigue because of their storied past and trust issues, which gets a great mid-match payoff. The match is violent and blood-soaked, dramatic, and has a great finish that leads to further storyline development, despite the arm-bar. Anderson, Windham, and Austin all bleed to the point of collapse, every entrant elicits a huge crowd reaction, the Dangerous Alliance really were exceptional antagonists. Rude and Steamboat batter each other, continuing their brilliant feud. War Games didn't see the likes of this until it was resurrected in NXT. AND it all ends with a story development that makes you wanna come right back...
WCW SuperBrawl II (1992)
SuperBrawl II Ratings and Review
A genuinely 'Super' SuperBrawl
Big Josh defeated Diamond Dallas Page (Not on WWE Network).
****/***** Brian Pillman defeated Jushin Liger (c) for the WCW Light Heavyweight Championship
*/***** Marcus Alexander Bagwell defeated Terrance Taylor
**/***** Ron Simmons defeated Cactus Jack
*/***** Van Hammer and Z-Man defeated Richard Morton and Vinnie Vegas
***/***** Barry Windham and Dustin Rhodes defeated Steve Austin and Larry Zbyszko (with Madusa)
***/***** Arn Anderson and Bobby Eaton (c) defeated The Steiner Brothers (Rick and Scott) by disqualification for the WCW World Tag Team Championship
****/***** Rick Rude (c) defeated Ricky Steamboat for the WCW United States Heavyweight Championship
***/***** Sting defeated Lex Luger (c) (with Harley Race) for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
A marked hike in quality over recent PPVs in-ring and in terms of presentation.
Bagwell beats veteran Terence Taylor to no one's benefit as his heat is scooped immediately.
Man Alive Junkyard Dog is over, but so far past his prime, it's a real shame.
Oz was such a disaster that Vinnie Vegas is an improvement for Nash, but it is still the rock bottom of the pit.
The generic grunting of Steamboat's 'Ninja' is irritating but the segment at least serves a purpose.
Missy Hyatt has genuine charisma, but her segments could really use some...um...structure or producing.
Positives - Jesse Ventura debuts and is a marked improvement on the Schiavone/Ross combination. It has been reported that Ventura and Ross didn't click but they work well on this show. Ventura was a great storyteller and always made people look as good as possible and hadn't got to the point of phoning it in...yet.
Liger and Pillman have a genuine classic, that set an unrealistic standard for the Light Heavyweight division going forward.
Jack and Simmons have a hard-hitting match, it's easy to forget that Cactus was an excellent brawler. Simmons is over and Jack always helped people look legit when they beat him, ask Triple H.
Windham and Rhodes vs Austin and Zbyszko is fun but then all four are great workers, even at this point. Windham, especially makes it all look so easy.
The Steiners vs Anderson & Eaton cannot fail to entertain, despite the disappointing 'Dusty' finish. The only thing that makes the finish work is The Steiners reaction to the screwy finish. All four workers are at their peak. Eaton was one of the finest sellers in wrestling history.
Rude's heat is nuclear and his match with Steamboat is purest black hat vs white hat. Classic wrestling at its most pantomime. The 20 mins whip by and any other night would be the match of the night for sure.
The World title match is fine. Luger is huge and gasses out almost immediately, he is in WBF shape, not wrestling shape but Ventura makes it part of the narrative of the match, which helps no end. Sting winning is the right call, I wouldn't have been happy with the white-meat cross body finish, Luger should've put his old buddy over by submission.
Starrcade (1991)
Starrcade '91: Battlebowl - The Lethal Lottery Results and Ratings
A strange-brew concept that feels like an attempt to replicate the early unpredictability of the Royal Rumble with the unnecessarily complicated final Battle Bowl.
The lottery tag-team matches are, really, bereft of much intrigue or interest and feel genuinely random which, whilst maintaining kayfabe, result in a myriad of dull matches with little on the line. It feels like many storylines are put on hold in an attempt at spectacle, which doesn't come off.
*/***** Marcus Bagwell and Jimmy Garvin defeated Michael Hayes and Tracy Smothers
**/***** Steve Austin and Rick Rude defeated Van Hammer and Big Josh
*/***** Dustin Rhodes and Richard Morton defeated Larry Zbyszko and El Gigante (with Madusa)
*/***** Bill Kazmaier and Jushin Thunder Liger defeated Diamond Dallas Page and Mike Graham
**/***** Lex Luger and Arn Anderson (with Harley Race) defeated Terrance Taylor and The Z-Man
*/***** Ricky Steamboat and Todd Champion defeated Cactus Jack and Buddy Lee Parker
**/***** Sting and Abdullah the Butcher defeated Brian Pillman and Bobby Eaton
*/***** Big Van Vader and Mr. Hughes defeated Rick Steiner and The Nightstalker
**/***** Scott Steiner and Firebreaker Chip defeated Arachnaman and Johnny B. Badd
*/***** Ron Simmons and Thomas Rich defeated Steve Armstrong and P. N. News
Sting won BattleBowl - last eliminating Lex Luger
Much of the WCW roster at this point is dire; Van Hammer, Big Josh, El Gigante, Bill Kazmaire (why team Liger with this lug?), Buddy Lee Parker, Arachnaman, Nighstalker, Mr Hughes, Mike Graham...all grot.
The selecting of names is painful, Hyatt and Magnum T. A. have to play second fiddle to an overbearing Bischoff. The heel/face dressing room split doesn't help either. It would've helped if these segments happened backstage.
Positives - There is some fun in the tease of Freebird partners facing off but they are staggeringly uncool at this stage of their careers. Austin and Rude show great chemistry, somehow making Josh and Hammer look competitive, and at least there is some advancement of the Dangerous Alliance stable/storyline, Paul E was a fantastic antagonist.
Zbyszko bumps for El Gigante like a boss, one of the few people to ever make him look remotely competent, what a pro. Arn Anderson continues to be one of WCW's MVPs whatever mad situation he is thrust into, Terence Taylor works his ass off too, managing to get the fans to cheer him as he makes near falls against the Champ.
Rick Steiner's exchanges with Vader are hard-hitting, they work around the pitiful Bryan Clarke and Mr Hughes.
The BattleBowl struggles to be anything other than a battle royal with a very complex entry and exit system but at least Sting wins and furthers his ongoing issues with Rude and Luger.
Halloween Havoc (1991)
Hallowen Havoc 1991 Results and ratings
Hugely entertaining for, mostly, the wrong reasons
*/***** Sting, El Gigante and The Steiner Brothers (Rick and Scott) defeated Abdullah the Butcher, The Diamond Studd, Cactus Jack and Big Van Vader Chamber of Horrors match
/***** Big Josh and P. N. News defeated The Creatures (Creature 1 and Creature 2)
**/***** Bobby Eaton defeated Terrance Taylor (with Alexandra York)
*/***** Johnny B. Badd (with Teddy Long) defeated Jimmy Garvin (with Michael Hayes)
****/***** Steve Austin (c) (with Lady Blossom) vs. Dustin Rhodes ended in a time-limit draw for the WCW World Television Championship
/***** Bill Kazmaier defeated Oz by submission
/***** Van Hammer defeated Doug Somers
***/***** Brian Pillman defeated Richard Morton (with Alexandra York) Singles match for the inaugural WCW Light Heavyweight Championship
**/***** The Halloween Phantom defeated Tom Zenk
**/***** The Enforcers (Arn Anderson and Larry Zbyszko) (c) defeated The Patriots (Todd Champion and Firebreaker Chip) for the WCW World Tag Team Championship
***/***** Lex Luger (c) (with Harley Race) defeated Ron Simmons (with Dusty Rhodes) 2-1 in a Best out of Three falls match for the WCW World Title.
The strangest WCW PPV of the year, which includes the ludicrous Chamber of Horrors match, the Refer-Eye camera PPV airing, and Abdullah the Butcher wearing a suit in an opening segment that explains Barry Windham's absence. Terrifying on all counts.
The talent wasted in the Chamber of Horrors could almost be re-assembled into a quality PPV alone, Sting, The Steiners, Vader, Cactus Jack, Scott Hall, all wandering around in complete bemusement before Abbie gets "fried". The match is replete with Sting's US Title belt falling off during his entrance and the handle for the electric chair falling into the 'ON' position as the match goes on. The UK video release had the sense to cut matches involving PN News, Bill Kazmaire, and Van Hammer.
The positives - Rick Rude debuts and exudes much-needed heel charisma backed by a prime Paul E and a gorgeous Madusa, paving the way for the excellent Dangerous Alliance. The Enforcers are a fine combo, and they do their best with their green-as-grass opponents and get a face pop for doing so. Steve Austin and Dustin Rhodes have an entertaining and genuinely topsy-turvy battle with a perfectly timed end sequence. Pillman and Morton can't help but show their quality and the main event is decent BUT considering the push for Simmons, his back story, and the presence of Dusty Rhodes in his corner the result feels like a missed opportunity. We are also treated to peak Missy Hyatt.
WCW the Great American Bash (1991)
Great American Bash 1991 Results and Ratings
*/*****Junkyard Dog defeated Black Bart
/***** P. N. News and Bobby Eaton defeated Steve Austin and Terrance Taylor (with Lady Blossom) Capture-The-Flag Scaffold match
*/***** The Diamond Studd (with Diamond Dallas Page) defeated Tom Zenk
*/*****Ron Simmons defeated Oz (with Merlin the Wizard) Singles match
***/***** Richard Morton (with Alexandra York) defeated Robert Gibson
**/***** Dustin Rhodes and The Young Pistols (Tracy Smothers and Steve Armstrong) defeated The Fabulous Freebirds (Michael Hayes, Jimmy Garvin and Badstreet) (with Big Daddy Dink) Elimination match
*/***** The Yellow Dog defeated Johnny B. Badd (with Theodore Long) by disqualification
/***** Big Josh defeated Black Blood Lumberjack match
/***** El Gigante defeated One Man Gang (with Kevin Sullivan)
**/***** Nikita Koloff defeated Sting Russian Chain match
**/***** Lex Luger defeated Barry Windham Steel Cage match for the vacant WCW World Heavyweight Championship 12:25
*/***** Rick Steiner defeated Arn Anderson and Paul E. Dangerously
A truly abysmal PPV, awful action, some terrible performances and stipulations, and a main event that had no chance due to Flair's departure. The 'Capture the Flag match is awful but actually has competition for worst match of the night.
The only highlights - Morton and Gibson facing off, Sting and Koloff give it socks in a limited gimmick match with a cop-out finish. Murdoch and Slater nearly break Missy Hyatt's neck carrying her off but Steiner and Anderson are left to soak up the crowd's apathy in the last match.
The event is as ugly as the make-shift World title belt used to crown Luger.
WCW SuperBrawl I (1991)
SuperBrawl Results and Rating
**/***** The Fabulous Freebirds (Michael Hayes and Jimmy Garvin) defeated The Young Pistols (Tracy Smothers and Steve Armstrong) Tag team match for the vacant WCW United States Tag Team Championship
*/***** Dan Spivey defeated Ricky Morton
*/***** Nikita Koloff defeated Tommy Rich
*/***** Dustin Rhodes defeated Terrance Taylor (with Alexandra York and Mr. Hughes)
/***** Big Josh defeated Black Bart
/***** Oz (with The Great Wizard) defeated Tim Parker
***/***** Barry Windham defeated Brian Pillman Taped fist match
*/***** El Gigante defeated Sid Vicious Stretcher match
**/***** Ron Simmons defeated Butch Reed Steel Cage
****/***** The Steiner Brothers (Rick and Scott) (c) defeated Sting and Lex Luger Tag team match for the WCW World Tag Team Championship
***/***** Bobby Eaton defeated Arn Anderson (c) Singles match for the WCW World Television Championship
***/***** Ric Flair (c-WCW) defeated Tatsumi Fujinami (c-NWA) Singles match for the NWA and WCW World Heavyweight Championships.
They Live (1988)
Piper's Pit x 10000
They Live came at a strange time for John Carpenter. The commercial misfire of Big Trouble In Little China and the back to basics Prince Of Darkness left him looking for a new project. They Live was the outgrowth of a low budget, around $4 million, and a pre-existing love for B-movies. Carpenter's love of B-movies is well noted, not least by his direct re-workings of The Thing and Village Of The Damned . They Live profits from his obvious passion.
L.A. the near future, John Nada (Roddy Piper) is a working class labourer that comes to town to find the work that has eluded him around the country. He discovers, via a pair of treated sun-glasses produced by an underground rebel force, that humans and the planet earth are being exploited by aliens that hold all seats of Political and social power. One of the movies best features is the visual differentiation from the everyday world and the alien reality. Shown in black and white point of view shots of Piper's character the underlying messages in advertising, newspapers and even money are strikingly exposed in black lettering. The most impressive element of this visual style is that many of the black and white POV shots are matte paintings.
Another of the real strengths of the movie, surprisingly perhaps, is Piper's turn as Nada. He is never short of convincing whether he is portraying the fear of the situation he finds himself in or spitting one liners as he blows away aliens. He has said that his own experience of homelessness helped him create Nada. His performance is supported in the best possible way by the always watchable Keith David as Frank, Nada's labourer friend who he turns to for help. Meg Foster's performance as Holly Thompson is less impressive but not all the blame can be put on her as her role as Nada's captive, then love interest isn't well written or substantial. Her character moves the plot forward but does little to add to it.
The action is acceptable and typical in its 80s style, lots of gun fire and bodies, but that and the uneven tone, from social satire to lines like "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum" (a Piper ad-lib), work against what is an interesting and somewhat rare, anti-Reagan '80s action movie. While the film may have been improved by a slightly more serious tone the lighter elements do hold some pleasures. The near ten minute fight scene in which Nada tries to convince Frank to put on the glasses and see what is going on is hilarious, just when you think it is over they get down to more scrapping. It puts you in mind of The Fast Show sketch The Longest Fight and is just as amusing. The last shot of the movies also has to be seen to be believed but I'll let you find that out for yourself.
Guilty pleasure or not, it doesn't really matter as many have discovered They Live ranks amongst Carpenter's best movies.
An interesting sideline, the commentary track on the DVD release is excellent and includes the director and Roddy Piper whose stories about the filming of the movie and his position in the world of professional wrestling at the time are fascinating. As many fans of John Carpenter know, his commentaries are always good value. This one is no different.
Punishment Park (1971)
The Punishment Is Worth It *Spoilers*
Set in a California detention camp in an indistinct future, an English film crew capture proceedings as young students and political dissidents are put on trial under a fictional 'Insurrection Act' that allows the United States government to suspend civil liberties for its own citizens in cases of emergency without the right to bail or the necessity of evidence. In such cases the government is authorised to apprehend and detain anyone they believe may engage in future activities of sabotage. The group on trial includes a feminist, a black panther and a folk singer.
Those convicted by the a Conservative tribunal have the choice of a lengthy prison sentence or three days in Punishment Park, in which they can attain their freedom by reaching an American flag in the desert. They must accomplish this without food or water. They are also to be pursued by armed National Guards and police who can return them to the camp if captured to face the penal sentence attributed to each person convicted. The reality is different; those that choose Punishment Park are hunted and killed or brutalised with no hope of gaining their freedom after a policeman is found dead in the park. The park seems to be a training ground for the police and guards who need to master these acts of suppression so they can be put to use in open American society.
Shot on 16mm and in the documentary style developed by Watkins, in his celebrated Culloden and the controversial The War Game for the BBC; he interacts with the prisoners and guards and observes the unconstitutional trial, inter cutting between them to create a totally convincing political movie that still remains vital and relevant. Using his knowledge of the medium, Watkins has produced a driving, relentless and ultimately frightening film portrayal of an entirely fictional American political detention camp that would not convince if it wasn't for his flawless construction. Many of the actors are amateurs improvising with broad characters. The sparks fly in the trial scenes in which each case is heard, in part to the fact that Watkins kept those on trial away from the jury until the filming of those scenes. Watkins also claims that the actors are often expressing their own opinions which certainly explain the ferocity as well as the believability of their performances.
The film has been heavily criticised for polarising the opinions of those that see it. It has been claimed that the film is reactionary and unequivocally represents that conservatism and war are the root of America's social problems. While these criticisms may be valid it is important to consider that the film is working on a fictional, metaphorical level and it is perhaps the realism that the film so cleverly constructs that encourages such a heated opinion on its content. In fact the films most important theme is the problem of polarisation itself. The 'conservative' judges and brutal law officers are on one side and the 'liberal' convicts are clearly on the other with no concessions made on either side. This seems to be what the movie is really about. The new law and the park itself is the outgrowth of a situation where mediation between the two political positions has been lost.
Made during and in protest to the Vietnam War and the treatment of those who opposed the war in America the films main themes of Governmental persecution of its own citizens and Conservatism impinging on civil liberties still strike the same chord in the era of the Patriot act and the identity card. It also strikes a disturbing chord with news footage of Guantanamo Bay and the treatment of Iraqi prisoners at the hands of Allied forces.
The threat of internal 'terrorism' is such a volatile issue that the film cannot fail to connect with current attitudes to the subject. Not surprisingly the film has had a checkered distribution history, being marginalised to an extreme due to its content but the disturbing fact that this movie is that can still remain so relevant today suggests that the wait has not been for nothing. Punishment Park is a film that has had to fight to be seen anywhere and it demands your attention.
Forest of the Damned (2005)
Forest Of Paranoid Directors
When teenagers go on a trip in a camper van there are many clichés that you can guarantee will follow.
1)The teenagers will be warned not to go where they are going by a crazy local. Dan Van Husen handles that with ridiculous exposition about deadly Sirens. What, who, how and why are handled in one almost unintelligible burst. 2)The van will break down. 3)Whilst looking for help the group will be split up and be picked off one by one by whatever monster they have been warned about.4)They will find a house inhabited by a madman, he will capture them. 5) The house will have a phone but it will not work, it will be disturbingly decorated, there will be flickering neon light, spiders and maggots. 6)The madman will catch them as they try to escape in a vehicle that won't start (here the high speed getaway was to be made on a tractor). 7)The madman will be seemingly killed only to come back from the dead for a cheap, weak scare and will then be killed properly. 8)Only a girl will be left alive from the group. 9)There will be an unnecessary twist at the end.
Add to these elements naked Sirens (who the characters seem to react to in startling different ways despite the fact that everyone that sees them is supposed to fall into lust with them immediately) that seduce and kill the teens, throats being ripped out and bodies being pulled in half and you have something resembling a twelve year old boys dream movie.
I think it is only fair to say that my opinion of the director and his previous work is as low as it is possible to be but I am happy to point out that there are a few elements that boarder on pleasurable and are a great improvement on his previous film, Darkhunters, which is one of the worst films I have ever seen. At times the cinematography is very good, the music and editing are a cut above his previous films and some other low budget horror movies. I was impressed to hear that it was achieved with a third of the money spent on the previous monstrosity. However, the worst things about this movie are not to be found in the body of the film, it is ultimately a mildly diverting if pointless movie that has been done time and time again, but amongst the DVD extras.
If you do rent this film I implore you to listen to the director's commentary it is beyond belief. There is more to say about this than the film itself. One staggering part of the commentary is the director's claim that the film is cliché leaden because it was a preconceived idea. He says it is a deliberate attempt to use all of the clichés and openly he wonders if "people will get it".
I'm afraid to say that if this is supposed to be a clever nod and a wink to films of the past and the genre clichés within them then it is not wittily scripted enough, acted in an appropriate tone nor directed with enough style to work. If this film was made to order it leads me to ask one question; "What was the point?" This is s afilm that just slips right into the canon of bad horror movies, any attempt to do something clever or different haven't worked.
The next nugget of brilliance is a conversation about the snobbery towards digital film formats. They rightly point out that digital is often synonymous with cheapness and ease of use. However, the best moment of the conversation comes when they bemoan the fact that when Michael Mann makes a film in the format he is branded as a visionary. There is a simple distinction to be made here; Mann is a talented director who will use the format to fit his story and style, Roberts is a horror hack who uses it to produce bottom shelf genre pictures . I think the differences are obvious and the comparison is not only arrogant but redundant.
The best moment is reserved for Robert's comments about people who have taken the time to review his previous film. Those who didn't like it are generalised as 'geeks' and he even goes as far as to single out specific people for having the nerve to voice their opinion in forums that encourage them to do just that. I must admit I was slightly disappointed that my review of his last film wasn't singled out for ridicule. The tirade goes further as the group joke about Norwegian reviewers, complete with 'hilarious' accents to imply that people from Norway wouldn't know a good film simply because of where they are born. As always these sorts of comments say more about those saying them than those they are targeting, they simply make the director and his friends look ignorant.
The package in rounded out with a tasteful featurette about how the Sirens were cast. Robert's swears blind in voice over, 'I didn't want to make a film that was like Baywatch' as we see audition tapes of topless and naked girls writhing around on the ground. There is also a simpering, self-indulgent documentary about the making of Darkhunters during which Robert's says that a reviewer has claimed that Forest is "The best British film in years". I don't know who he is trying to convince. At one point in the commentary track Robert's says jokingly "I can see people sitting at home saying "this isn't amazing, its sh$t" he isn't wrong.
Rocky (1976)
There ain't gonna be no re-match
Rocky seems to be a movie that has suffered in reputation from the legacy of the series as a whole. It is fair to say the series went on to become unrealistic in the extreme and while I have a fondness for parts 2-4 (5 is not good)I honestly believe that the first Rocky movie would be far better thought of without the sequels and the career path that Stallone took.
While the films that followed became event movies, sports action movies the first is a character portrait. Stallone will never better his first performance as Rocky Balboa (although his turn in Copland does come close). Rocky is bitter and has a real dark side. He is unable to relate or communicate with most people and he seems to lead a very insular life. He is at the bottom, a bone breaker for a loan shark with no future. As a boxer he is told early in the movie by Mickey that he had the tools but wasted them. He is a two-bit club fighter and a bum.
Luck (or the American dream) knock on his door when the World heavyweight boxing champion picks him at random, because of his nickname (The Italian Stallion) for a shot at the world title. Unlike the films that follow the chance is dealt with in the most realistic fashion. Rocky is scared. He fears for his safety but most important is his pride. If he can go the distance with Apollo Creed he can finally hold his head high, he will have achieved something.
One of the very best things about this movie is the fantastic supporting cast. Carl Weather's portrayal of Apollo Creed is flawless. The Ali inspired champ is totally convincing not only in but out of the ring. Without this cocky, arrogant foil then Rocky's accomplishments would not mean as much.
Talia Shire is excellent as the meek Adrian and the late Joe Spinel is as watchable as ever as Tony. But the special mentions should go to Burgess Meridith who plays the physically weak but emotionally tough Mickey with brilliant fragility and Burt Young who plays the unhinged Paulie with a disturbing ease. The scene in which Mickey goes to Rocky to offer his management for the fight after the way he has treated him with utter disdain is heartbreaking and brilliantly acted on both sides. Mickey realises it is his last chance and despite Rocky's anger he knows that he needs his help more than anything. The conclusion of the sequence, where Rocky runs onto the street after Mickey, having chastised him, and accepts his offer is one of my favorite movie moments ever, played in long shot with no dialogue.
The locations are superb, the streets of working class Philidephia, the city of brotherly love, are the perfect place for Rocky's grubby life to be played out. This is the factor that Rocky 5 tried to recapture but couldn't years later. The city is almost a character in the film, one of the many factors that holds back Balboa.
The crux of the matter, the element of the film that makes every other element work is the fact that Rocky doesn't win the fight. If he had the efforts at realism and character details would have been for nothing. Rocky's triumphs are personal not physical, he succeeds but doesn't win and that makes the film all the more impressive
Sacred Flesh (2000)
Jesus wept.
What we have here is a film designed to shock. Anyone who goes about making a film about the repressed sexuality of nuns realises and no doubt encourages the fact that some will be shocked by this. In my opinion this film makers tangle with this has left nothing but a laughable piece of amateur soft porn hoping to fool people into thinking it has deep, important themes by topping and tailing the sex scenes with terribly written and awfully acted discussions about the morality of sex and sexual repression. 'The Devils' walked the line between exploitation and art but due to the superb performances and clinical direction managed to avoid desending into voyerism, something this film can not claim.
I am sad to see that some people commenting have actually been taken in by the "moral arguments" that run through the film. All I see is a very weak device to allow a group of soft porn scenes to run their course. The rapid editing and camera movement does little to disguise them for what they are either.
The acting is terrible. I got the impression that the actors either had no clue what they were saying and therefore lacked any sort realism or were trying their hardest to remember the reams of dogmatic nonsense they spewed - which had much the same affect.
One hilarious element are the performers in the scenes of "sexual gratification". Most appear to have breast implants, full make up including lipstick, eye make up and nail varnish, and some even have pierced tongues, belly button rings and tattoos not to mention their incredibly neatly trimmed pubic hair. I'm no expert but I doubt that these things would have been common place in most Convents. This does not add up to a high level of realism and is just another example of the fact the film-maker's intentions were as far from high art or art house as you can get.
Avoid this film, if God exists he'll help you resist.
Elephant (2003)
As pointless as Van Sant's Psycho.
I'll cut to the chase, 'Elephant' is an awful film. As far as I can see it carries with it few positive features and some truly disturbing ones. 'Elephant' never uses the word Columbine but it is obviously a film that is supposed to be a comment of the recent spate of high school violence in the USA and the media attention it has generated.
But what comment is it making?
It tries to set up a meandering, soft light, soft focus version of American high school that is suddenly shattered by horrific violence, a questionable representation of any school. All the students of the nameless school seem to be unused extras from Gap commercials who never made it in front of the camera due to their incredible lack of talent. Granted this is not a movie in which charismatic performance are top of the wish list but these actors are awful. The cinematography is wonderful but under the directionless direction of Van Sant it counts for very little. Van Sant himself seems to think that just by making this film he is making a point but I'm afraid to say that he isn't...this is empty, empty cinema. But the problems don't stop with the fact that Van Sant doesn't want to look too deeply into the possible reasons he hints at as to why things like this happen (he alludes to video games, classical music and the ability to buy guns through the post).
One huge problem I had with the film was the positioning of the two killers as homosexual or bi-curious as in one scene, before their rampage ,they share a kiss in the shower. The question I ask is why is this scene even included in the film? What point is it making? Is Van Sant saying that the pairs repression is the reason for their violence? Is it just a device to position them even further as outsiders? Or is he trying to say that only 'queers' would be capable of this? Granted the last one is unlikely but I can't tell you because the uneven tone of the movie gives you no clues whatsoever. It seems a weak attempt to bring up discussion of a scene and a film that really doesn't warrant it. If the scene is about the sense of togetherness or inclusivity the killers feel in each others company there are plenty of other, less provocative ways in which it could have been represented.
I read a review of this movie in Empire magazine in which they claim that as a companion piece to 'Bowling For Columbine' 'Elephant' made for compelling viewing. I would argue the exact opposite. The existence of 'Bowling..'as a sensitive, informative view on this subject makes 'Elephant' nothing but a misjudged, offensive and ultimately pointless movie. Much like Van Sant's remake of 'Psycho' you may well leave this film slightly offended and feeling as if you have wasted your time. The sooner Mr. Van Sant either finds something to say or shuts up the better, like him this film appears to have no guts whatsoever.
Elephant 0/10
The Rundown (2003)
The Rockdown *spoilers*
Make no mistake about it this is a movie specifically designed to position Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson into the unclaimed action hero position left by Arnie and Sly, in what seems like, a million years ago.
The producers of this movie have played a safe hand, surrounding The Rock with good actors (Christopher Walken), up and coming actors (Rosario Dawson) and a sidekick with a track record of comedy hits (Stifler).
It is also stuffed with a more physical style of action geared around Rocky's undeniable abilities. Gone are Sly and Arnies heavy gun fire (well until the end anyway) and in its place sequences that focus more on Johnson's pro-wrestling skills (there is even a Rock Bottom in there) all of which are filmed and edited at a fast pace. The Rock is likeable as Beck, a man who wants to put his violent past behind him by doing one final job for his boss, despite his cliched motivations.
With so many elements in place why then does this movie feel like there is something missing? Well some of it is down to The Rock himself. When he is called upon to portray the character elements most like his wrestling persona then he is nothing less than a charismatic screen presence. His put downs and self-depricating humor are right out of The Brama Bull's play book and make a positive impact. But when he is called on to act, to portray the serious story elements then he is less convincing. This should be quantified by the fact that he is no worse than any of his peers within the genre so I wounder if he will improve or indeed if he will have to improve. I doubt it.
The Rock is not the only one to blame. His patter with Williamson is funny at first but Williamsons continual reference back to his most famous role not only wears thin quickly but makes him appear to be one of the laziest actors currently at work (at least he isn't Ashton Kutcher).
Dawson and Walken are fine in their limited roles but you leave wishing they had more screen time. You get the feeling that if Dawson had been playing a version of the sidekick role the movie would have improved greatly as she has reasonable chemistry with Johnson.
The direction and editing also do the film no favors. Many action film makers seem to believe that rapid editing and an overuse of slow motion add drama and excitement but in this case (as with most others) it becomes distracting and ultimatley irritating when The Rock has enough physicality to carry the preceedings without resorting to techincal trickery.
The Rundown is slightly more enjoyable than most action movies because of The Rock but it also highlites his shortcomings. Perhaps the best move for Johnson would be to prove he can seriously act (or should that be act seriously) because it will only help him secure himself as the number one action star in the U.S. The Rundown seems to be a tentative first step.
2/5
Darkhunters (2004)
one of the five worst films I have ever seen *spoilers*
Where on earth do I start with the mess that is Darkhunters? Firstly the script is one of the worst to ever find its way onto a cinema or TV screen and can only be described as a poorly judged Stephen King rip-off. At one point the supposedly fearsome darkhunter Jack claims that Carol, the girl who is helping the man he is pursuing, is as annoying as "a gherkin in a burger". I would be laughing if I was making it up-BUT I'M NOT! Just as ludicrous is how Carol originally came to have the power to see how people die. A cat gave it to her when she was holding it during an auto accident she had as a kid. WHAT????????
Secondly, for a horror movie, it has no sense of tension or threat whatsoever. This may not be helped by the fact that all the action happens during stark, broad daylight. Not very atmospheric at all.
Thirdly the acting is truly awful, Pinion proves again that he needs to be speaking in his native tongue to be even remotely believable. Jeff Fahey is obviously on auto-pilot but how can blame him as he runs through a woe-ful Humphry Bogart impersonation as Barlow (Marlowe-Barlow? We get the joke it just isn't funny). Credit should go to Susan Paterno, an actress I was not aware of, she does her best with the awful part she has and puts the other, more experienced actors to shame.
At no point is it even explained how the HUMAN character can understand what Van Husen's character is saying to her. She obviously has some sort of degree in screwy alien languages.
On the plus side one moment is well done, the car crash involving Susan. The sfx are throughly believable and if it weren't for the hilarious storyline reason for this to occur it would have been applauded.
All I can say about darkhunters is that British horror will never recover from its interminable slump if movies like this continue to be made and shown. Avoid this movie like the plague, although the plague would be a lot more scary.
Darkhunters 0/5
p.s. the insinuations in other reviews that the film remains too intelligent for some are honestly hilarious. It is a weak defence when some claim "you didn't like it because you didn't understand it". The letters after my name make a fool of you not me.
Rollerball (2002)
Rollerballs !
I wasn't expecting much. In fact the poorest of poor reviews that this film received had made me curious enough to watch this it (for free on cable I might add). Firstly I should say that I am not a huge fan of the original movie, it is a reasonable action film, so my dislike does not stem from a loyalty to the first incarnation of this story. My dislike for the 2002 Rollerball comes from a feeling of being patronized by everyone involved in the making of this movie. How did the producers ever think that this was acceptable on any level?
The acting is second rate but what is to be expected from one of the worst casts ever assembled? Klein is worthless unless he is making a joke of his own persona (Election), LLcoolJ is one of a string of rappers that should never be given a 'tough guy' role simply because of his real profession and Reno, the one talented actor among them, seems to slip into pantomime dame territory. I will give Paul Heyman praise for his character as the English announcer, he seems to come across as a decent and fairly charasmatic actor but he does little that he doesn't do brilliantly in his day job.
The attempted satire relating to the commercialisation of sport and its reliance on violence is pathetically toothless. The direction is simply a mess. The attempt to make this non-sensical sport look breathtaking through rapid editing and instant replay is awful. It does nothing but make you realize that restrained directing and editing are a wonderful thing.
Rollerball represents everything that is wrong with mainstream Hollywood movies. It shows a lack the of originality, does this version add anything to the original version?, that has dogged film for years. I cannot believe that there are so few new ideas that we have to see cult action movies, cult British crime movies and television shows remade over and over again. This movie should be avoided at all costs.