Reviews

Can we say worthless! If this movie were any more exploitive it could have been a snuff film, this seriously one crappy movie, now I must say the movie indeed is seriously disturbing, but for the wrong reasons, where as Last House On The Left labored to tell a story about what would you do if the guests in your house killed and raped your daughter, I Spit is just a low budget crapper that is so poorly made and poorly recorded that the dialog can barely be heard. As far as acting goes it's serviceable, but overall this isn't as powerful as one would have you believe this is simpily garbage thrown together quickly to rip off Last House On The Left.

Some have also claimed this to be a feminist movie, believe it or not. In anycase I Spit On Your Grave is an unpleasant, worthless and overall tedious movie that should be avoided.

If this genre appeals to you, watch Last House On The Left and Deliverance instead.

1/2* (Out Of Four)

Spiderman is a great movie until the final 15 minutes when it collapses under it's own weight, opening for a sequal or not, I still think the movie should have had a better ending, still though for a comicbook adaption I enjoyed it.

Spiderman benefits from decent acting as well as staying faithful to the overall story that inspired it, and for that alone it deserves extra points for credit, surprisingly it's at the actionscenes that the movie falls apart, where Spiderman (An obvious CGI creation) is doing stuff that is way too cartoonish, however the overall story adds enough build-up to be worth a look.

I enjoyed it a lot...only the ending left me frustrated.

***1/2 (Out Of Four)

First of all I would like to say that my first review was rotten! So I' decided to write another review.

Anyway, The Punisher movie has gotten a lot of defenders, I too am a defender because to call this one of "The worst" comicbook adaptions is utterly moronic, because simpily The Punisher is a decent movie, sure it has some overall flaws in a few departments, but in all seriousness The Punisher could have turned out a lot worse.

The actionscenes are all well done, anyone who says this part is done all wrong is a person who is talking out of their a**, this is a movie done with imagination and energy in this department. Dolph Lundgren has always been underrated here, and overall as an actionflick it's very successful, a knockout.

As an adaption this is disappointing, the missing skull is a serious problem, why make a Punisher movie if you don't use the skull? Well suffice to say the overall production suffered for it, causing quite a lot of turmoil over the suit.

So overall The Punisher is recommended for fans of action movies or someone who doesn't mind The Punisher as an actionflick however those looking for a better adaption are better off waiting for the 2004 version.

Final thoughts?I'll leave you with a head scratcher. Why would one compare this to The Toxic Avenger and Army Of Darkness, when both movies aren't even in the same genre? B.movies sure but that's like comparing Death Wish 4 to Maniac Cop...Both fall under different guidelines.

Anyway, the movie should have been better, but still not that bad.



***(Out Of Four) (**1/2 as an adaption)

This is such a bad movie, it's not even funny. Charles Bronson (Apple proof of when social security screws you over.) stars once again as Paul Kersey the vigilante who this time is paid to wipe out two drug dealing families, (and soon to be three in a lame twist.)

Taken as a whole Death Wish 4 is just utterly bad, the actionscenes are all poorly mounted, the dialog is unintentionally hilarious and what's more the movie doesn't even have a plot, it's just Charles Bronson killing dumbasses who are dumb enough to get wiped out. How hard is it to take on a 66 year old anyway?

The one redeeming quality is it's unitentional humor, when Bronson approaches a baddie, he says "How many kids have you killed with this Sh*t !" It's a true statement for Bronson, only that "kids" in this sentence represents acting careers.

Truly terrible, but then again, it's really funny.

* (Out of Four) (**** Camp rating)

One thing you can't accuse Lance Hool of, is false advertisement. Because the movie rings somewhat true. The only thing missing in action here is, well action.

As far as plot and acting go this is all terrible stuff with awful acting and crummy directing, so those who enjoy the story won't find anything to like, and those who enjoy a good old fashioned actionflick will feel royally cheated by the lack of action. For at least 70 minutes nothing happens! The ending has Norris escaping and becoming a one man army, but by then the action crowd has fallen asleep while the other group is left to marvel at the awfulness of the whole movie.

So who was this made for?

* (Out Of Four)

Death Wish 3 is very entertaining, everything about this movie is mind numbingly terrible, making it the perfect dumb-ass action flick, Bronson is 63 years old and is jumping around like Arnold Schwarzenegger and shooting more bad guys then Clint Eastwood in his prime.

Sure it's bad, but where as the Part 4 is strictly so bad it's good, this has some surprisingly decent actionscenes, which goes the Commando route. In which Death Wish 3 spins in a routine yet never the less entertaining fashion.

**1/2 (Out Of Four)

Chuck Norris stars in Missing In Action, but to answer a question presented by "Tim Cox" "Why did this thing spawn two sequals?" Well the answer to that is because it MADE money.

Unfortunately Missing In Action is a bad movie from start to finish, the politics are laughable and surprisingly rascist and that alone recommends it, that and some of the action is competent.

However this is a movie best left forgotten since it boasts a laughable premise as well as the obvious, that Rambo First Blood Part II did it ten times better.

Still for die hard Norris fans, Missing In Action is worth a look.

** (Out Of Four)

Romeo Must Die stars Jet Li as a Hong Kong cop who finds himself in the middle between a war between his family and a group of blacks. Things aren't made any easier when Jet Li falls for the daughter of the kingpin.

Romeo Must Die's problem is it has too much plot and that it doesn't use Jet Li right. Jet Li is doing stuff that can't really happen and he has no particular reason to.........He just does stuff that defies the law of gravity. The action scenes are rather disappointing and this movie isn't very entertaining......

*1/2 (Out of four)

The Minion (AKA Fallen Knight) stars Dolph Lundgren as a priest who must keep a key out of the hands of a demon who is trying to set the antichrist free.

This is not a movie...It consists of one sided fights (That are poor) And bad acting that will make anybody groan. The Templars should keep this movie from an audience.....Because this groan inducing bore will have you wishing the end of the world would happen just you could get out of this stinkbomb. What was Dolph thinking?

* (Out of four)

I guess in a braindead way Fire Down Below would be entertaining,But the fightscenes are relentlessly bad. making the movie dreadful

Seagal stars as an agent who is investigating a cover up where toxic waste is being put in the mountains.

The movie would have been at least mildly entertaining had the fights been nicely done but the fights are far to cartoony and there's nothing to like only for Seagal die hards......Not as bad as On Deadly Ground but pretty close.

* (Out of four)

Steven Seagal stars as a retired DEA agent who must wipe out a drug posse.

Not much of a plot just Seagal slashing,Kicking and breaking wrists however this is a fun one to watch. Steven Seagal is one helluva bad actor but the movie is more about fighting rather than talking and the movie entertains. Although the movie isn't great the movie is okay.The voodoo stuff is ridiculous but hey it's an action movie.

**1/2 (Out of four)

Rocky IV is a ludicrous movie that insults the viewers intelligence every chance it gets. Stallone takes on a Russian lummox (played by Dolph Lundgren) after he kills Apollo Creed.So he trains,trains,trains,trains,trains ad nauseum until the big climatic fight. The fight itself isn't bad but the movie is. The whole training and cold war message is dull and the movie comes close to being a parody of the first Rocky. This movie at best is junk at worst it's a piece of crap that needs to be dispensed in the nearest garbage can as quickly as possible. * (Out of four)

Replicant stars Van Damme as a killer who is cloned by scientists so that the clone helps capture him.

Van Damme scores his best since Sudden Death in this better than average DTV movie. Ringo Lam delivers some great action scenes and explots Van Damme's physical ability to great affect making Replicant a good movie.

Overall Replicant would have been better if it wasn't so long but in anycase Replicant is a nice change of pace for the muscles from brussels. *** (Out of four)

Well the quote belongs to none other than Dolph Lundgren. And this is an understatement.

Dolph Lundgren stars as a naval officer who must keep a deadly virus out of terrorists hands.

I thought I was following Agent Red well until I saw "Dolph Lundgren" steal an aircraft which is footage from the startlingly routine Storm Catcher. This scene is more stylish and overall better than anything else in the film plus the guy is 5'11 Dolph is 6'5! This is incompetent filmmaking at it's worst. Avoid this like the plauge because once exposed you cannot survive.

1/2* (Out of four)

Dolph Lundgren stars as a soldier who must exterminate a group of crazy prisioners (Led by Juliano Mer) and protect fellow survivors when the world is destroyed by a 9.5 earthquake.

The Last Warrior is at least watchable (Unlike Agent Red,Jill The Ripper and The Minion) The film suffers from predictability and a story that's muddled up. The Last Warrior is watchable movie that fails to live up to it's potentional.

The Last Warrior is probally Lundgren's best since Blackjack....Hopefully he hits the mark with Hidden Agenda.

** (Out of four)

Van Damme reprises his role as Luc who is now human and who works for the army who must battle a computer who went berserk.

Calling this film awful is a compliment because US:TR is a failure that fails to even deliver the hand to hand goods which will disappoint even Van Damme die hards. Universal Soldier 1 was a really entertaining movie that became a classic action movie that most hold in high regard (Action movie fans) but Van Damme hits rock bottom (Like Knock Off wasn't bad enough) This is a horrible movie that needs to be shunned.

No Stars (Out Of four)

Dolph Lundgren stars as a Bodyguard who suffers from a color phobia when he is blinded by a flash gernade which complicates his ability to guard a supermodel.

Overall a pretty good movie,Not great but worth a look for John Woo and Dolph Lundgren fans. The flaws are big. For one the plot is too silly for a movie of this caliber second of all the movie is too long. And some of the acting is pathetic (Only Lundgren,Rubinek and Williamson come off decent) That being said the actions scenes are really cool to watch so it isn't a total loss.

Blackjack isn't great but John Woo fans could do worse.(Like Once A Thief)

*** (Out of four)

The X-men is a great movie. It beats out Blade and the underrated Punisher movie hands down. X-Men has some really cool fx making the movie a excellent movie.

The comicbook heroes take on an evil mutant who plans to turn everybody into a mutant.

Marvel has never had great luck with adaptions,A lot of the movies are flat out duds. with exceptions of The Punisher and Blade. The X-Men is a truly spectacular showcase of how a comicbook movie should be. Only real flaw is Cyclops (played horribly by Marsden) he grinds the movie down but still X-men is a great movie. ***1/2 (Out of four)

Knock Off has Van Damme as a fashion buisnessman who must fight russian mobsters who plan on sneaking microbombs in a jeans shipment.

Knock Off is truly awful,It offers unbelievably awful dialog and truly atrocious acting. The directing is flashy but belongs in a better movie. Overall Knock Off is an embarrisment for all involved.

The bottomline is that Knock Off should be avoided like a can of rotten sardines.

1/2* (Out of four)

Blade is probally the best Marvel adaption (Beating out The Punisher for number 1) pre X-men. Still it is flawed. But fans will find a lot to like here.

Wesley Snipes plays the title character who hunts vampires who are trying to annhilate humanity.

The main problem with Blade is it's over length the movie is absolute dynamite through the first 90 minutes but it then loses tons of momentum. But still the action scenes are entertainingly tounge in cheek. And Snipes like Dolph Lundgren makes a great comicbook hero.

***(Out of four)

Hard Target stars Van Damme as a sailor who takes on a group od corrupted promoters who hunt homeless people for fun.

Van Damme had his day in the sun in the 1992 and 1993 era. Universal Soldier and Hard Target are his best movies and despite this sucsess he went on a downward spiral which he finnally ended with the well made Replicant. Hard Target is a fun action flick that not only delivers the goods but also delivers some fine acting from Lance Henriksen and Arnold Vosloo. Van Damme still needed to work on his lines but at the time looked to have been getting better,only to fade out in 1998.Hard Target is a really good movie that has Van Damme at his best.

***1/2 (Out of four)

What's not to like? Van Damme and Dolph star as soldiers who kill each other in Vietnam and are than reanimated as Uni Sols but when Dolph remembers his sadistic ways the trouble starts.

Universal Soldier is Van Damme and Lundgren's best movie ever made.It has some strong action scenes and decent acting from the cast. The climax is one of the greatest in a long time. And if anybody tells you this movie sucked. Feel free to knock them upside their heads. (JK)

Overall Universal Soldier is a great movie that shouldn't be missed.

**** (Out of four)

The best thing that can be said for Rapid Fire is that it's better than Showdown In Little Tokyo but still Rapid Fire is an undistinguished action flick that falls flat.

Rapid Fire stars Brandon Lee as a college student who is hunted by mobsters when he witnesses an execution of a chinese triad.

Rapid Fire's main problem is it's actionscenes. they feel very by the numbers and the movie feels like you have watched already. And in the end everything blows up and so did Rapid Fire,And you won't remember it. Brandon Lee did much better with The Crow.

*1/2 (Out of four)

How can you tell if you have a bad comicbook movie? Rubber ears and an actor who doesn't wear the suit until the very end. However this alone doesn't make Captain America a bad movie because to call it bad would be a compliment this is horrible.

Captain America(Matt Salinger) is put into suspended animation and awakes in time to spoil a plot for world domination and fight the Red Skull again. The movie is dull,worthless and just plain cheap. Unlike "The Punisher" Captain America fails to even deliver a decent action scene! This movie is a terminal bore. * (out of Four)

Dolph Lundgren and Brandon Lee star as two cops who take on the japanese yakuza one man at a time to avenge the death of Dolph's parents.

Showdown In Little Tokyo is a flat out sub-par action movie that will have you either laughing at the cheap production values or groaning from pain. It's hard to like a movie this bad. I have nothing against Dolph Lundgren or Brandon Lee but they really should have done better than this junk.and not only that Brandon Lee compliments Dolph on the size of his unit. See Dolph jump over a car,see him show off his kung fu and look out for the Yakuza guy who is so tough he will break their own necks rather than tell the cops. this different touches do little to distinguish Showdown In Little Tokyo from other Martial arts movies.

Overall Showdown In Little Tokyo is a waste of time and should be avoided like ten year old sushi.

* (Out of four)