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Reviews
Children Underground (2001)
Depressing and disquieting.
This film shows the daily routine of a group of homeless Romanian children living in a train station. Anyone who has ever seen or read about the homeless knows how depressing it is, and seeing children in this state of affairs only heightens it. The children here are addicted to Aurolac paint, which they inhale to get high. While the subject matter couldn't be any more depressing, Children Underground is very well made and holds one's attention.
Squirm (1976)
"Mr Beardsly!"
This is the best movie I've ever seen on MST3K, and it still bites hard. It has a few decent gross-out scenes (especially if you find millipedes as disgusting as I do), but the acting is still bad and the plot is still slow. In all fairness, it's not one of the many stinkers that MST3K has shown (Final Sacrifice, anyone?) and is probably painless to watch without Mike and the 'bots.
Red Dragon (2002)
Righteous!
Red Dragon very nearly beats Silence Of The Lambs--and crushes Hannibal into dust. Ralph Fiennes as "The Dragon" is far creepier than some trans-gender with a lotion obsession. Edward Norton delivers a smooth performance, but it's not in the same league as Fight Club or The Score. Anthony Hopkins manages to be creepy as hell, but he also goes over the top in many scenes; it's often hard to get spooked by him. The plot is similar in some ways to SOTL, but not so much that one would guess at the ending. All in all a very creepy, tense, and well-made movie. 9 out of 10 stars.
Morozko (1965)
Communist children's entertainment--3 words that don't really belong together...
Films from the 1960's are often bizarre and psychadelic but this movie tops them all for sheer weirdness. Apparently a mish-mash of several Russian folk tales, the plot is incredible at best and complete nonsense at worst. Natalya Sedykh did by far the best acting--although that isn't saying much among a mediocre (or just plain bad) cast. That said, the sets are often very colorful and beautiful, and special effects were pretty good for the time. If you can accept its weirdness and one-dimensionality, it makes for an interesting watch. The goodies are good, the baddies are bad, and good triumphs over evil in the end. All in all, it would make an interesting topic for a term paper; It seems that it *must* have some Soviet overtones, considering the time and place in which it was made.
Orgazmo (1997)
Blows BASEketball right out of the water.
Orgazmo was the funniest movie I've seen in a long time. There is a touch of South Park humor, but it seems a little more cerebral here--that's not to say any more tasteful. The plot is idiotic and predictable, but there are so many gags and side-characters (my favorite being Dave The Lighting Guy) that it doesn't make a difference. Trey also shows that he has at least some capability as an actor as well as an animator. 9 out of 10 stars.
Doom (1993)
The greatest video game of all time.
Most guys around my age (17 or so) played DOOM in their childhood and remember it fondly. Although it is extremely outdated and does not run well with Windows 98, it is the video game ever made, and placed ID Software on the map. It's not for the faint of heart---the gory graphics are sick even by today's standards. If blasting demons into tiny pieces and seeing people impaled on sticks or hanging by meathooks isn't your cup of tea, then avoid DOOM. But for anyone else, this is the game for you. WARNING: EXTREMELY ADDICTIVE!!!!
Strangeland (1998)
Pretty good movie.
While not the best horror movie ever made, Dee Snider's Strangeland is a good watch. The acting is mediocre except for Dee, who does a surprisingly great job (considering that he was the makeup-covered singer for Twisted Sister). Dee does a great job of first being the villain, then the martyr, and straight back to villain again. I have never seen any actor pull this off so well. Robert Englund aka Freddy Kreuger makes a great appearance as a mean-spirited hick who decides Captain Howdy must pay a larger price for his crimes.
The Shining (1980)
"HEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!!"
The Shining is the greatest horror movie ever made, period. In a genre plagued with lackluster directors, corny scripts and horrible actors, The Shining stands out as an absolute gem. Anyone who saw One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest must see this- Jack Nicholson looks even crazier here. And unlike many horror movies, this is genuinely scary. Stanley Kubrick plays on the viewer's emotions ruthlessly until one is ready to scream out loud. I am 17 and I still freak out watching it alone. The Shining is by far one of Kubrick's greatest films, and a must for anyone who calls himself a horror fan.
Welcome to the Dollhouse (1995)
I wish I knew what people saw in it.
Most of the people who I talked to about this movie said they loved it. I rented it expecting something dark and harshly realistic, but not this dismal piece of garbage.
The movie starts in one groove and never seems to pull out of it. I know junior high is hell, and that many people --myself included--see a little of themselves in Dawn. But realism does not equal entertainment. I started to think "ok, I can see that she's tormented, now what will she do about it?" And nothing happened. Dawn lets herself get trampled on right up to the end. I ask, what is the point? To remind us of a period in our lives most people prefer to forget? I just don't get it. I want my money back.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
It's all been said before.
Who, nowadays, has it in their heart to make a movie as silly as this one? I have yet to see a film since this one was put out that so completely abandoned the idea of making one react in any way other than laughter. With no romantic undertones, no intense drama, and (seemingly) no script, Holy Grail just lets the humor take over. No movie like it has ever been made before or since. Don't think you have to figure it out; a large portion of the humor comes from the fact that someone actually thought these jokes up. Don't expect dramatic overtures, either; the closest it ever comes to romance is a group of nymphomaniac nuns. Just relax, watch the cows catapaulting through the air, and enjoy this masterpiece. Or I shall say "ni!" again!
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)
Magic.
I think the people on this website who call this movie "creepy" and "unsuitable for children" are the same people who insist on bleeping out the swears on television--which only serves to make them funnier. Calm down, people; I saw this when I was six years old, and watched it over and over throughout my childhood. It never scared me once, nor does it now.
Now that I'm past my rant, I can honestly say that this is the best kids' movie I have ever seen. "Shrek" doesn't even come close. I own the soundtrack by Anthony Newley, and it's one of the best CD's I've ever bought. Willy Wonka will serve to entertain generations to come-as well it should.