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Reviews
Man in the Mirror: The Michael Jackson Story (2004)
Truly dreadful
Just accidentally caught this on some cheap, free 'cable channel'. Hilarious. If anyone has ever seen Star Stories, the British satire on celebrity, then they will enjoy this appalling attempt at entertainment. For starters, Michael Jackson was about 5'9", not 6'3" as portrayed by the far- too-butch actor Flex Alexander. He was also a creme colour, not green! The producers ought to have solicited the talent of some impersonator. This film made even Jurassic Shark look good, which is saying something. In other words, I highly recommend watching this if you roll in drunk one evening and want a giggle for a bit... BELIEVE!!!!! Shamone!
The Omen (2006)
England? Who are they kidding?
Firstly, I am a fan of the original films. OK - so they are quite dated, especially the first one with its quite saccharine 'love' theme. So I would have agreed that these were ripe for a remake. But it failed. This film reminds me of the failings of Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula. A selection of first-rate choices alongside a selection of second or third rate choices. Firstly, the good actors: Damien: very good choice and convincing. Father Brenan: You can't go wrong with Pete P. Mia Farrow: I thought it would be hard to surpass the original, but she gave a very different, more brooding edge to it that I liked. Michael Gambon: Again, a good choice, albeit not as good as the original. But there is has to end... the other main actors were dreadful, giving hammy, made-for-TV performances. But this paled when compared to the overall, done-on-the-cheap production. I am English and let me tell you that no where in England resembles any of the scenes. This for me was the single biggest point of failure. London doesn't have a backdrop of Eastern European architecture, nor does it have main roads made of cobbles, nor does it have elaborate lamp posts like that. The US embassy is not on the river... and no amount of CGI is going to convince me otherwise, especially with those terracotta roofed houses behind. It was cheap, cheap, cheap. And they didn't even attempt to disguise some of the shots. Driving to the church in an attempt to recreate the excellent Guildford cathedral scene of the original, you could see foreign street signs and shop signs through the back window, green-crossed pharmacy signs. It was all so out of place. Sticking a couple of CGI elements of Parliment and the London Eye isn't going to fool anyone. And that for me, was what made this such an average film. A real waste of some good talent. Especially after seeing the trailer for the film, which captured something exciting in the boy Damien. I'd like to see someone forget this remake and try again... properly.
Into the Wild (2007)
What an idiot
I was really looking forward to this film for months, but was ultimately left disappointed. Not only was it full of youthful, naive, bad poetry, which bordered on pretentious and annoying at times, I just didn't feel any empathy for the main character. Ultimately, I was left thinking "what an idiot" at the end and not particularly moved by his death. What did he expect crossing a river in winter and then expecting to be able to re-cross it in spring? To me, it seemed like an overly long telling of a Darwin Award story. And why do people who choose to 'give up on the modern world' still not mind using cars/petrol/tarmac/railways/canned food etc. etc. The story of the death of a naive, hypocritical student!
World Trade Center (2006)
Pitiful film
I have loved a lot of Oliver Stones other films, but this one was just awful. I don't care about the arguments regarding the appropriateness of making films around Sept 11th... it happened, it is history, let people tell that story. What I do mind is spending two hours of my life bored senseless by this daytime TV rubbish. Pour on the schmaltz!!!! The acting was generally poor, the music was trite and some of the film was unintentionally laughable. As for the script; cor dear. The film also contained moments of unintentional comedy. Most amusing was the character of the Marine. I felt like I was watching Team America at some points in the film; the script was that bad. All the film needed was some comedy snare-drum and piccolo military music over his scenes to complete the comedy. In the end, I didn't much care for the characters and couldn't care less if they survived or not. Actually, they annoyed me so much that I rather hoped they wouldn't. Awful!
Hot Fuzz (2007)
Dreadful film, limp and humourless
Not being much of a fan of Spaced nor Shaun of the Dead, I nevertheless read the reviews on this site and thought that the film must be something special. It was awful. 2 hours of flat humour, a film with very little merit. And I wasn't alone; the reaction of the rest of the cinema was similar. There was very little laughter. I can only imagine that the early reviews of this film on IMDb are by the die-hard fans. I fully expect the average rating of this film to plummet once the general public get to see it. Shame really as the supporting cast were all excellent names. I cannot believe anyone read this script and thought it at all amusing. Simon Pegg - you are a better man that this... have a chat with Chris Morris and do something with more kudos.
The League of Gentlemen's Apocalypse (2005)
Terrible
Had the League been unknowns pitching this script, the backers would simply have turned around and said "no - you're not having the money - this is dreadful". As a fan of the League of Gentlemen, this is their poorest outing to date. Not particularly funny, not particularly entertaining, there are few laugh out loud moments. They do exist, but they are few and far between. I felt the format was tired and really dragging. The film refers to the writers being bored of the characters and it shows. As for being a film. I felt the Xmas special had better production value; the FX are generally pretty poor and it is clearly obvious that they didn't film in the original Royston Vasey (they filmed this on the cheap in Ireland). The musical score is weak and the dialogue is terrible. Also, the accents of the characters were largely off from their TV equivalents. Tubs and Edward, much underused (again), just didn't sound like themselves. Disappointing really, because I was hoping for something far more entertaining. This really was the League's equivalent of the 1970s comedies where the cast go to Spain...
RoboCop 2 (1990)
Great and under-rated film
I loved this film... it was just so tongue-in-cheek, you simple had to love it. I've always had a soft-spot for directors who use stop-motion animation rather than computer graphics (which were starting to take hold around the time) - directors such as Sam Raimi - it has such an amusing giggle quality to it.
I won't bore you with the plot, but I would have to say that along with Godfather II, Empire Strikes Back (which I believe was done by the same director), Aliens and (dare I say it) Superman 2, that this is a better sequel, despite loving the original. A complete p**s take from start to finish.
Lovers of Ray Harryhausen will see my point
The 51st State (2001)
Dreadful 'B' movie written by local lad working in an offy
I was particularly interested in seeing this film, since it was written by someone who a friend of mine knows; written whilst he was working in an off-licence in my old home town. I have been following its progress for some 5 years now, since I heard that he'd sent the script off to Tim Roth and that Tim Roth had rung him back late one night, much to his surprise. The script was then passed on to Samual L Jackson who produced and starred in it. So I went to see it last night... The film was quite frankly appalling. Maybe the script was better that the film made out, maybe not; it was hard to tell in amongst the awful "oh here we go again, doesn't work outside Asia" Hong-Kong slow-motion(tm) film direction. The acting talent available should have made this a much better film, if you exclude the female hitman, which I guess points to the fact that the film making and the script were more than likely to blame. Gratuitous bad language is funny in the hands of intelligence. Think Derek and Clive when Peter Cook uses more swear-words per minute on one comedy record than anyone else before or since. Yet they are funny, since they are used in an intelligent, clever, witty fashion. The use of bad language here was just simply there because the writer thought that using the 'Fredrick' and 'Celery' words alone was somehow 'funny'. It's not. You become insensed to it and then annoyed. I actually walked out 10 minutes from the end as the film descended into a downward spiral of crapness as Samual's character gave away his new found drugs to 'the kids'. The film was a pseudo-Tarantino pastiche of every other gangster film you can name. Almost in the same way that the Scream franchise drew on Craven's earlier horror schlock flicks, only not as intelligently done. Unlike Taratino, who at least provided clever and amusing dialog for his first couple of films (including the much underrated From Dusk Til Dawn), this script fails single-handedly to deliver any sort of originality, even going to the extent of using a Tarantino mandatory in the form of Jackson, to give the film some kudos. I cannot recommend this film and have not walked out of a movie for years... which is a shame, since I'd have liked it to have been good, since the humble beginnings of this film are somewhat fairytale. I fear that Stel P's career will dry up very quickly if this is all he has to offer.
A 'B' movie in wolf's clothing. A wolf that has been shot.
A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)
Awful, banal, dire, dreadful.
I couldn't believe that this film only lasted 2.5 hours. After I finally emerged from this - what I could possibly describle as the worst movie ever - I felt drained and cheated out of the £8 I paid to get in. Even the incessant sound of popcorn crunching away behind me, was more entertaining. Did Stephen Spielberg set out to direct a film so abominable. Firstly, the plot was loose, tired and cliche, not to mention just uninteresting. The only slightly redeeming character was that of Teddy who has the potential to be psychotic and therefore a slight edge. I just wanted the kid to die throughout. There was no emotion in the film. Just dead. I didn't care about the characters. Au contraire, I wanted them to die as quickly as possible. If like me, you love films like Shawshank Redemption, Goodfellas, Sixth Sense, Glengarry Glen Ross, Godfather, Heat etc. I ask you to please not waste your time on this film. As the late great Bill Hicks once described Basic Instinct: "It's a piece of sh*t. That's it! That's ALL it is. Piece of sh*t. Walk away"