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kevinmaggieb
Reviews
Hey Arnold! The Movie (2002)
Breaks continuity with the series for cash grab
This movie was a critical and commercial failure. Why did they make it this way?
Ever watch Hey Arnold and think, "hey this unique urban cartoon that is know for being grounded and reality and real world problems... it'd be great if they threw all that out and made a nutty screwball movie with looney tune antics and a outworldy unrealistic plot with no connection to the setting of the TV show."
If you agree, and hated Hey Arnold, perfect movie. If you wanted to watch a good movie grounded in reality and within the scope and continuity of the original show, Skip it. This movie was clearly an intellectually bankrupt cash grap. The jokes aren't even in universe style, it's all just references to better movies .
The Mummy's Hand (1940)
Was this supposed to be a comedy?
It's clear the Brandon Fraser mummy series took a lot from this movie, but it is clearly unintentionally a comedy. They play it up like a serious horror, but insert so many jokes it distracts from the plot.
Then there is all the accidental jokes, from a revolver with unlimited ammo to the hammy line delivery, this is great MSt3k material.
Bad set design, bad blocking, bad writing, bad acting, good costume design.
Too bad to, the mummy was great, but this is the best of the sequels.
This isn't a b movie, it's a c at best.
Brandon Fraser just leans into the bad on the remake, to make the accidentally funny bits, seem intentionally funny.
The Ghost of Frankenstein (1942)
Best of the Universal Frankenstein movies.
With a third of the Frankenstein family taking center stage, the monster is recast by lon Chaney jr. Meanwhile, the true star of the movie is Ygor played by Bela Lugosi (Dracula).
Talk about retribution.
After Lugosi became absent from the flailing Dracula story, he stole the show as ygor in Son of Frankenstein, and then Boros was removed as the monster, allowing Bela to prove his superior acting in Ghost of Frankenstein.
The next movie, Frankenstein meets the wolf man, Bela again takes to the stage in a starring role, as the monster. Unfortunately, a non speaking role, exactly why he turned down the role for the first movie.
Okay, lets count it down.
Of the four universal movies starring Frankenstein at this point, ghost has....
The best set design,
The best script,
The best acting (not even debatable),
The worst monster design,
The second best makeup (Monster excluded)
None of the hokey bad comic relief the first three had.
Spaced Cats (2020)
Is this a anti-pot PSA?
This movie is the laziest thing ive watched in recent memory. Not even good for MST3k roasting.
Low effort .
Remember the old toonami animated space host? The animation looks like a modern version. Just sitting around, barely moving except repeated loading screen movements, no facial expressions or eye movements. The lips don't sync up at all, and it runs loops of the same animations over and over again.
The dialogue is no better, no jokes (but it's supposed to be a comedy), just gibberish about generic drug lingo with random sexual requests. Most of the actors really phoned it in with their reading. The plot is complete garbage too.
This movie makes for a great PSA about drugs, like "I hope I'm never this dumb, aimless, unfunny, lazy and completely clueless"
The stop motion segments are the only part of the movie with any effort put into it.
The Mummy (1932)
Universal Monster Movies are overrated, but still good.
The best of the Universal monster movies has less of the bad acting interruptions from tertiary characters that plague the other movies has better sets than the Frankenstein movie but still often look very cardboard.
The plot is delightfully slow, but unfortunately predictable. Story of archeologists who discovers an ancient artifact that resurrects a cursed egyptian who attempts to reacquaint with his long lost lover. Boris Karloff plays his typical role of few words, but at least gets to act more than any of the other roles.
For those who look at the cheesy Universal Monster movies as representative of the quality of the time and give them a curtesy rating need to look to foreign made films. Monster movies of the same era made in Germany or France, or South America etc, had better sets, better acting, better scripts, better dialogue, just better.
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
fails in every catagory.
Just watch the most thorough analysis of this movie ever made, Plinkett's review.
In that video he dissects the film like an autopsy analyzing every aspect of story elements, good character building, cinematography, etc like he was teaching a film making 101 course.
Educational and entertaining. Unlike Phantom Menace.
Labyrinth (1986)
penultimate Fey film of fey trickery and abduction.
Fey seems to be all the rage these days bringing new light to classics of Fey fantasy cinema. Whereas Legend (also AMAZING) centers around the dynamic of good and evil and their power struggle reminiscent of Paradise Lost and overpopulated with Fey lore. Labyrinth focuses on typical Fey trickery through a contract and an abduction torn directly from folklore
Everyone's favorite heartthrobe David Bowie plays as a Goblin (fey) King who fulfills a mistaken contract to abduct the protagonist's (Jennifer Connelly) kid brother.
The nerdy fantasy poetry and prose obsessed teenager must traverse a labyrinth filled with tricks and decoys to retrieve her brother, But is Gareth really interested in the boy, or the teenager? Or perhaps, it is just love of the torturous manipulation of mortals in classic Fey fashion.
Unlike Legend whose theme of the loss of sexual innocence is obvious to anyone above the age of 12, Labyrinth is much more subtle, although I would recommend either to parents of children, this one is much more light hearted and Legend a lot more visually scary and dark. Both have been said to have served in awakening many many people.
Legend (1985)
Penultimate Fey movie about good and Evil
Fey seems to be all the rage these days bringing new light to classics of Fey fantasy cinema. Whereas Labyrinth (also AMAZING) deals with a typical Fey trickery through a contract and an abduction torn directly from folklore, Legend centers around the dynamic of good and evil and their power struggle reminiscent of Paradise Lost and overpopulated with Fey lore.
Everyone's favorite villain Tim Curry plays as an un named fey king of the Winter court who looks strikingly like the best horned red devil cosplay of all time. His end goal is to cease power and unstablize the balance between good and evil setting the world into permanent darkness and winter.
Meanwhile a human girl (Mia Sara) who lives adjacent the fey woods is corrupted into playing a part in the evil plot through her PG sexual tension with a fey dwelling human (Tom, Cruise).
The overt theme of loss of sexual innocence in this film drip with enough context to write a book about (and a dozens have) but its toned down enough for older children to miss it, and teenagers to empathize and relate. That alone is worth this movie being a very important on any watchlist, particularly those who enjoyed sylvia plath, Kate Chopin, Scarlet Letter etc, but also are big Fey and fantasy fans.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)
The epitome of scifi/horror parodies, and a musical
Its a science fiction double feature classic satirizing movie going culture of the 1970s. It states it all ibn the opening of lips with direct references to the kind of movie and movie going themes are openly parodied in this movie, listing standard late night double feature movies.
This movie mostly targets the mad scientist movie, with a Dr. Frankenstein type who is also a transvestite pansexual alien bent on world domination... and bedroom domination, His created lover and adonis, an Igor who hates his job but loves the maid, the narrator, Meat Loaf, and two newly engaged squares completely oblivious to the world of sexual exploration and things that go bump in the night.
The songs are immensely memorable, this movie is a must see for anyone who is going through or has gone through puberty, as well as those who just like scifi B movies, or parodies. Best viewed with lots of friends, or strangers. If you go see this in a theatre be prepared to throw things on the stage, shout things in unison with the rest of the audience and strip your clothes and run around with the rest of the fun loving crossdressing crowd that will attend with you.
The Princess Bride (1987)
Inconceivable!
Based on a brilliant book with a fantastic framing device in which a fictitious author tracks down a lost book from his childhood then retranslates it and retells the story whilst analyzing it. The movie scraps the unwieldy framing device for a simpler one, a grandfather reads to his grandson in his sickbed to make him feel better. This does lead the audience to believe Fred Savage will grow up to be the fictitious author in the book.
This parody of fantasy tropes based on a parody offers dozens of well remembered and often quoted lines that persists generations later.
Watching this just so you can understand the hundreds of references in pop culture today is alone worth it but it is itself a delightful story of joy, laughs, childlike adventure, quicksand, monsters, swashbuckling, evil villains, forced marriages and yucky kissing scenes. :P
great for young children, and their nostalgic parents, and fantasy nerds alike.
Heavy Metal (1981)
Must see classic
Based on comics from Heavy Metal magazine, this disjointed scifi fantasy anthology follows an over arching plot involving a sentient orb of pure evil.
This movie showcases brilliant musicians from the era to play an original soundtrack with most of the songs written specifically for the movie, from mostly heavy metal bands. (Obviously DEVO is not a heavy metal band.) They play along in ways that match the tone in each segment.
And of course, total boobage. (A south park episode parodying this movie).
This movie is very influential on both cinema and music even today.
Life of Brian (1979)
If you cant make fun of your own religion.
What a wonderful addition to any Christmas or Easter movie marathon. The story of a guy who was not nearly the savior. Mistaken as Jesus at birth by three Wiseman, Brian continues life often paralleling the events of Jesus's life.
From stoning to Judith, from attending the Sermon on the mount to accidentally giving his own. Brian proves over and over he is almost Jesus, but also not even close to being Jesus.
With the complete screwball antics of the pythons this movie is for regions people and non religious people a like, as Graham Chapman said in the brown trouser job, its far from sacrilegious, and more light comedy with religion in mind.
Second best python movie.
The Matrix Resurrections (2021)
Narcissistic Garbage and clipshow
What a narcissistic piece of self indulgent garbage. They spend an entire 20 minutes telling the audience how awesome the writers are, and trying to claim they were the first to write about about the blurred lines of reality and the dream of illusion by tyrannical forces, as if Phillip K Dick wasn't writing that in the 60s, and movies hadn't been breaking our grip on reality for decades before 1999.
It really is just a tv clip show. Visually its all uninspired callbacks juxtaposed with clips from previous movies. Hey member morpheus, member squidbots, member old tv in white room, member oracle, member machine war. The old clips were used in place of creating new interesting scenes, while the only actually new scenes were tired reshoots of old scenes.
Speaking of Morpheus, he isn't in it. Neither is Agent smith. Well the actors aren't. They merged the two characters in a bit of lazy writing to try and excuse the fact that the two actors that stole the show, the two actors who were more memorable than the protagonist, aren't in this film. (Technically both smith and morpheus are in the movie separately which makes their explanation that they are merged all the more confusing and stupid.)
They then replace them with some... disappointing choices. Especially the use of Neil Patrick Harris in his hammy comical way that works in movies that are comedies, not so much for supposedly serious film. During a scene that was supposed to be climatic and serious, he pauses the action to utter, "Aye yai yai" seriously?!
Worst fight scenes of the series. Like really bad, no substance. A lot of obvious misconnected hits that you can pause to see the air, that were clearly supposed to hit. Knives moving through the air make metal scraping noises, and just generally bad fight dialogue.
The dualogue in general is horribly written and performed.
There's no reason to ever watch this movie. Its nothing new, and an obvious narcissistic mastubatory indulgence by bad writers who don't realize how bad and hackneyed they really are.
Kuroi kawa (1957)
Epitome of Noir
From that beautiful classic rumble like music they blare frequently, to the cast sporting unique bright clothing in high contrast to the dark or black backgrounds that often inhabit the screen, the look and feel of this film is true noir, fantastic cinematography, and a dark themed plot.
Complete with romance, gang violence, a slumbers handing out evictions, and a love triangle. . Id call the plot original. And enthralling, in plain terms.
I put this up against classics like M, Chinatown, the Crimson Kimono.
Ginrei no hate (1947)
Some great acting, okay directing.
There were some amazing actors in this film, but they were handed an acceptable script, and mediocre directing.
The co-author, Kurosawa, will prove to be one of the most memorable in cinema, but definitely not for this one. Misifune, will collaborate with Kurosawa frequently to emmence results. He shows a stellar performance even here, before his first official film with Kurosawa,. His co actors are able to tow the line with his first powerhouse performance.
Too bad the director is only okay, and script, average.
Otherwise fantastic film, a must see for any Misifune , or Kurosawa fan.
The Witches (2020)
Bad accents steal the show.
Lord help me.
Hollywood take note, Oklahoma accents are no more alike to an Alabama accent than a Wisconsin accent is a suitable Boston accent. Stop!! Casting!! Oklahoma accents!! As southern substitutes.
Its pathetic and bad.
Then you have Anne Hathaway with her constantly shifting accent. Its completely distracting.
That said, the rest of the movie is pretty on par, just a delightful roald dahl movie, just slightly not as good as the original movie . It keeps in line with the book.
I could give it a 7/10..... but Ann Hathaway is a bad villain, and the bad accents are just a distraction.
4/10
Âya to majo (2020)
Barbie movie, but witches
Ever see those really bad barbie movies? Or a TV movie out of no where you never wanted?
This is exactly that, but witches, the fact that Ghibli name is attached is meaningless.
Bad animation
Out of place music
Bad plot
No ending
No climax
No good dialogue
Spoiled child ,(well thats inline with Miyazaki)
In the end I sympathize more with the "selfish witch" then the manipulative brat I was supposed to sympathize with.
Then the movie just ends
Out of no where, with no character development for the protagonist .
House of Games (1987)
I don't know which is more unbelievable, the people praising this movie, or the ones trying to bash it into the ground
Why is this movie so praised?
Why is this movie to disdained?
I take these two extremes hand and hand.
Lindsay is absolutely wooden.
The plot would be a standard badly scripted con movie, all the way to the last scene, which is supposed to be a big plot twist, but instead follows the guideline of every con movie and heist film ever made, the difference being the convoluted premise.
But let's defend it too. Its not complete drivel. Joe has some really good moments, its not the worst there's been. Trying to take legitimate complaints and blowing out of proportion is just as bad as ignoring those same glaringly obvious complaints.
Is this movie praise worthy...not even close its more bad than good.
Is this movie worth the one star reviews, also no. If you can't find a vaguely entertaining parts to this, you must avoid television completely.
Ordinary People (1980)
Realistic look at loss
A heartbreaking look at loss. This realistic family drama of a family after a death in the family. Each member deals with the death in different ways, or rather doesn't.
The mother seems to put more importance on how people see her so she puts up a facade of strength and poise, never actually addressing the death of her eldest son. Her other son blames himself for the death and tries to commit suicide, while the father tries to be more open in a family that closed themselves off from the reality of it.
The wounds both physical and emotional stay with the family never truly healing, until it comes back in a very real way to hit the family with aftershocks of the death. This tragic young death hits this family again and again, the true extent of the destruction it left in its wake not revealing itself until the final minutes of the film.
The New World (2005)
Scenery stole the show
The virginian scenery stole the show as the best actor, there were plenty of admirable qualities to the movie, but the actor mostly just existed on the screen while beautiful Virginia continued to present absolute majesty all around them.
If there was a profound line spoken In the movie, it was whispered, lost in the overly loud score that meandered around without purpose. Meanwhile, one could lose themselves in the sun glistened waters, the wind swept grasses, the warm rich dirt.
Seriously, forget trying to enjoy dialogue or plot, you'll barely see it anyway, just put it on while cooking dinner or something, you'll easily have no idea what's going on, but suddenly want to visit Virginia.
The Dark Past (1948)
Watch the original
The original movie is named Blind Alley, and is spectacular. This is a disappointing remake.
With hackneyed choices in plot changes, a pathetic ensemble of actors phoning it in as they try to do their best to parody themselves i the most "bam, wham, zow" methods.
The casting is backwards as the actor playing Wilson would be a better professor.
The music is obnoxious interrupting the dialogue with inappropriate tunes and set waaay to loud,, the set design looks like a cardboard box, the plot is rushed, the acting forced, fight choreography pathetic, and acting is just plain bad.
Just watch Blind Alley
I gave that one 8/10. Faaarr superior
We Need to Talk About Kevin (2011)
Mundane at best
With a shock and awe plot like school massacre, expect a boring script, they usually are banking on the shock factor the "clever: editing did nothing but drag out the inevitable plot twist we all see coming. Built on the backs of movies like "If..." might as well just watch those.
Yi zhao ban shi chuang jiang hu (1978)
Poor man's comedy....with stunts.
Unless you are a fan of of Jackie chan, this is a skip. A cheap comedy played off tired jokes. Bad acting, bad script, good fight choreography though, not great.