Reviews

I always knew there would come a point when America's over-consumption of staged and tragically acted 'Reality' shows would finally pass through its grossly infected mega-colon. As always, after such a large movement, there's always the last vestige of ordure which lingers about. And that's precisely what Bear Swamp Recovery is.

A self-serving, morbidly obese, profusely sweating 'Billy Bunter' styled character offers his perceived glories and achievements of past heavy equipment repossessions, in typical American style: self-congratulatory and with huge pomposity and self-aggrandisement.

The few segments I've forced myself to endure were all pretty much the same. They begin with a several second long 'back story,' then fade to the Billy Bunter guy offering some sort of bon mot as to how he's going to successfully achieve his goal to 'repo' the targeted item.

Then the filming moves to the set-up of his 'team' doing something remarkable, dangerous, inane, implausible, etc., in taking the offending item. It's all about as sincere as watching 'Dog the Bounty Hunter,' holding a prayer session before the cameras.

The only benefit to having this show running for a few minutes is that it will allow you less distraction whilst you clip your toenails!

Have you ever travelled for dozens of hours on end and when you were at the point of collapse, you found some dump roadside motel, where the place was so filthy even the cockroaches were picketing for better living conditions? And once you dragged yourself into your dubious smelling room, shut the door, secured the lock, (and possibly shoved a piece of furniture in front of the door...just in case), then collapsed into bed, falling asleep in seconds, only to spring out of bed in utter horror because of the loud-mouths next door? Well, dimes to doughnuts, these people are who were on the other side.

They're the creepiest lot you'd ever imagine to see. The patriarch is the type of guy that has caused most of America's 'all you can eat' establishments to close down. And the matriarch looks as if her make-up has been applied by Twisted Sister!

The premise of the show is that Mr Savage, known on telly as 'Fred,' travels with his family from town-to-town, like Romany gypsies, knocking on strangers doors and asking whether he can dig up your garden in search of treasures. The reward for making your garden look like a rabbit warren is that he promises to share a portion of the proceeds he gains from meandering through the garden with metal detectors. That share portion should be just about enough to pay a plumber to router out the plumbing and replace the broken toilet, when they humbly ask to use your 'facilities' for a second.

And lo and behold, treasures they do dig up; Rusty lamps, belt buckles, coins, rusty guns, and the occasional bits and bobs that may have a rather decent value. When Big Fred finds something particularly exciting, (an uneaten Twinky?), such as a piece of gold, or jewellery, he reaches such a point of ecstasy that he literally explodes verbally, with his face puffing up to make him look like the Stay Puff Marshmallow man, and bellows out 'Boom Baby!' The force of his baritone discharge clearly reaches the depths of his wife's amorous side to the point the woman looks as if she's in need of a damp towel and a cigarette.

They are truly an oddity to behold. Conversely, their sons appear relatively mainstream normal. Clearly though, Pappa Bear is the Alpha and all must kowtow to his demands. Rumour has it that Pappa Bear was once one of those Rabelaisian wrestler chaps who comes into the ring shouting out invectives towards the audience, working them into a fevered pitch.

Now, he does it on screen for such venerable institutions as the Discovery Channel.

I'm truly at a loss as to how an organisation such as the Discovery Channel could reduce themselves to filming this insipid mess, especially when in different parts of the world they broadcast as a premium station for which you must subscribe.

Sadly, it's a fact that many countries where English is not spoken, television viewers tune to the Discovery Channel to learn the English language.

If you're tied up in traction, in hospital, and have virtually nothing else to watch, other than the nurse, then you just might find this to be marginally amusing to watch. However, after a few minutes, you may find far better discoveries by examining your most recent accumulation of navel lint!