Change Your Image
motherfather
Reviews
Road to Hell (2008)
An insult to "Streets of Fire" and its fans
The first thing that should be said is that "Road to Hell" is not a film. It's not a movie. In truth, I don't know what it is. Youtube videos of mentos and diet coke are more cinematic than anything this attempts. It isn't just bad, it's Sega CD Full Motion Video Game circa 1992 bad. It makes "Night Trap" look like "The Godfather." It's the "2 Girls 1 cup" of sequels. Most importantly, it's an insult to "Streets of Fire" and everyone who has ever watched even five minutes of it.
Before the 60 + minute "dream project" proceeded to assault those not smart enough to walk out, Albert Pyun, his wife Cynthia Curnan, and a handful of others came up and explained what we would be seeing. Cynthia mentioned that it was the result of an argument that she and Albert had had about the ending of Streets of Fire. Albert had thought it was one of the most romantic endings of all time. Cynthia thought it was deeply tragic and showed that Tom Cody was doomed. She wrote "Road to Hell" to show what she thought would have happened to him.
If the near-finished product is any indication, Albert handily won that argument and by default has now won all subsequent arguments for the rest of their lives.
Put simply, "Road to Hell" is garbage -- cinematic fan-fiction that is essentially a pointless 60+ minutes of atrocious dialog in front of a green screen, mixed in with some black and white footage of Deborah Van Valkenburgh being interrogated and flashbacks of a poor double for Diane Lane lip-syncing and dancing along with two songs lifted from "Streets of Fire."
I'm not entirely sure why everything was filmed in front of a green screen, probably to give it that "filmed in one day" look. It definitely does no favors to the performances, and the computer animated backdrops used look like screen savers circa 1994. I kept half-expecting a flying toaster to glide across the screen. Sadly, like any hope that "Road to Hell" would be redeemed, it failed to materialize.
The muddled excuse for a plot centers around the idea that Tom Cody is now a deranged serial killer, waiting in the middle of nowhere in case Ellen Aim's tour bus happens to drive by.
Meanwhile the two least interesting former strippers turned murderers in the world come across him.
They yell and swear and swear and yell. They talk in circles. There's some blood and some kissing. It goes absolutely nowhere and just drags and drags and drags. It could have been whittled down into a five minute short, told the same "story," and it STILL would have been painful.
I guess the filmmakers deluded themselves into thinking they were making something artistic and the characters we see might be in purgatory, or some other metaphysical realm. Unless the filmmakers' intent was to make the viewer feel like they were literally in hell, they failed.
The only elements that are even remotely interesting at all are ripped from "Streets of Fire." It is fascinating watching Paré and Van Valkenburgh reprising their respective roles, or at least it would be if the dialog wasn't so mind numbingly awful that the characters as portrayed resemble those in "Streets of Fire" about as much as David Koresh resembled Jesus.
Pyun, particularly in his Cannon years, has made some legitimately entertaining no-budget films. There is nothing entertaining here. It captures none of the spirit, energy, character, or fun of "Steets of Fire." It's an ugly, draining, pointless trifle.
Do yourself a favor and stop caring about this now. It will only end in heartbreak.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
Insulting.
This movie's biggest crime is that it's boring. It takes what is normally one of the most exciting characters in the Marvel Universe and makes this milquetoast soap opera with sub-Lost level of CGI effects.
Staring at the talent behind the camera and in front of it I have no idea what could have gone so wrong, but I hope rumors of the studio wrestling control from the director are true because this is a blot for all involved.
This movie lives and dies by its script, and it's a truly dreadful script.
It is a patchwork of bad ideas, grating dialog, action movie clichés, unconvincing romance, mishandled fan-service cameos, and downright insulting interpretations of beloved characters.
This film has no respect for its source material. This is one of the worst Marvel films yet.
It also seems convinced Will.I.Am can do something besides look stupid in a cowboy hat and fumble his ridiculous lines. His "character" also borrows his power from a fan-favorite character and doesn't even do it half as well as a movie made five years ago.
I never thought an X-Men related movie could be worse than X-Men 3, but here we are.
Idiocracy (2006)
Iddiocracy - Two D's for a double dose of comedy
This movie was quite a pleasant surprise. I had anticipated it for a long time, and was afraid going in that it couldn't possibly live up to my expectations.
It exceeded them.
I adored this movie.
Hilarious from start to finish (stay until after the end credits!), it is absolutely remarkable how a movie about dumb and annoying characters can be so intelligent, witty, and engaging.
With it's obvious matte paintings, the movie's future Earth recalls the Planet of the Apes series and other Sci-Fi movies of that era.
In fact, this movie is essentially Planet of the Apes, but with people who are the mental equivalent of apes.
It moves at a fairly brisk pace, and Luke Wilson carries the movie quite well, with a character that recalls the one he played in "Bottle Rocket." (There's even a not-so-subtle nod to "Bottle Rocket" in an early scene).
Maya Rudoulph is also surprisingly good as a former "painter" who was frozen as well.
Despite all its strengths, "Idiocracy" has the distinct feel of a movie that was taken away from the director/editor before it could be fine-tuned.
I cannot for the life of me understand why a movie this funny would just be dumped into a few theaters with no advanced screenings, no trailers, no marketing whatsoever.
It's as if the studio decided they were not going to spend any more on it and just walked away.
Or maybe they thought the movie had the makings of a cult classic, and the only way for it to become a true cult classic was to set it up to fail?
Whatever the case, it is a shame, because Mike Judge and this film in particular deserve better.
I predict this movie will have real legs on DVD, and word of mouth will propel it to the success it deserves.
Perhaps the Fox Executives saw themselves in the characters, were confused, and thought it was a documentary?
Batman Begins (2005)
Not a just a great Batman movie. It is both a great movie, and the BEST Batman movie.
You know, I was really tempted to just rate this movie a 9. Do I REALLY want to give a Batman movie a 10? But that's the thing. I really can't see how this movie could have entertained me more. And I really can't shake the feeling that even if I had never read any Batman comic books, or never seen Batman in previous film and TV versions, this movie still would have affected me the same and sold me for life on this character.
This film operates at the level of Greek mythology. And like any great myth, it's simple enough for a child to understand and appreciate while simultaneously containing enough to intellectually stimulate adults too.
This movie certainly has enough to please everyone. And while it excels in all areas, it is not a movie that is simply about its meticulously planned set pieces, costumes, fight scenes, or action sequences.
It has a uniformly excellent supporting cast, easily boasting one of the best ensembles outside of a Robert Altman or Paul Thomas Anderson movie.
It has a director that has yet to make a bad film.
But most importantly, it has an entire crew that makes it immediately clear with every frame that they get it.
This is how a Batman movie is supposed to look, to feel, and to sound. This is who Batman is, and how he got there. They nailed it.
Any last lingering doubt is washed away by the scene with Batman, a little more confident but still a little unsure, taking down a group of criminals.
The scene is staged like most horror movies, only this time you know what is lurking behind the shadows, waiting to strike. And you're cheering for him. And it is FUN.
All this praise is not to say it is flawless. The nitpickers and naysayers will find cracks that they feel are big enough to sink the ship. Maybe they didn't believe Katie Holmes as an assistant D.A. Maybe they felt the PG-13 rating hurt the grittiness and sense of danger. Does it matter? Let them rob themselves of one of the most satisfying cinema experiences to come along in years. The rest of us will have a blast basking in the darkness, waiting for the bat symbol to once again pierce through the night sky.
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Endearing
It's almost alarming just how well this movie works.
Genuinely funny, sincere, and clever, this is a movie with enough for just about everyone.
The filmmakers make its balance of comedy, gore, romance, and fully realized characters seem effortless, but this movie succeeds in ways that Romero, Rodriguez, Craven, Raimi, Jackson, and Carpenter have all failed.
This movie has very few weaknesses, if any. The only one that really springs to mind is that due to the mixing of genres, the pacing seems a little off at first... But this was not even a concern upon repeat viewing.
I can imagine very few people not enjoying this film.
Can a hit movie still become a cult classic?
Whatever this movie's fate, it's sure to endear itself to whoever happens upon it.
Gigli (2003)
The score would be higher if people who didn't see it wouldn't vote
I'd be surprised even if half the people voting 1 even saw the movie.
"Gigli" is a horribly misunderstood movie, but far from a horrible one. Had this come out in the pre-megastar phase of the careers of both lead actors then this movie could have been a good word of mouth movie. It's not a marquee movie.
I think it's worth it for the good parts, if only to see just how wrong bad hype can be.
Wait for the video if you want or see a matinee, but give it a chance.
Everyone has been waiting to slam Affleck and Lopez, and here is their chance. Hopefully they'll get it all out of their system now before "Jersey Girl" comes out so everyone will be a little more objective with that one.
Spy Kids (2001)
This movie is such a joy
This is a movie that gets it. For the first time in a long time, I've seen a movie targeted at kids that does what a kids movie should do: be as imaginative and as vibrant and alive as they are. Everyone in this movie looks like they're having a great time, and it definitely rubs off. It's an kinetic thrill ride from start to finish, overflowing with action and wit and special effects.
Instead of totally rehashing the plot, I recommend that everyone (no matter how old you are) see this movie. No matter how cynical you are, if you go in with an open mind you should be entertained. This movie has so many surprises that the less you know going in, the more you'll take from it. (But at the same time, if you know the entire plot, you'll still enjoy it).
With a horrible movie like "See Spot Run" passing for a family film these days, it's great to see a movie that doesn't have to resort to gross out jokes. It doesn't insult your intelligence, it sparks your imagination. Spy Kids only looks all the greater in comparison, because instead of trying to capitalize on the worst type of childlike humor (that move was much more immature than any ten year old I've ever met), it banks on the spirit of imagination.
The film critic in me wants to mention that there are a few flaws to this movie, but nothing that can't and shouldn't be overlooked. The movie has a few pacing problems, and some effects shots could be smoother. But really, who cares besides nit-pickers who don't want to admit that they were entertained?
One of the greatest assets is the dialogue. It's obvious that the writer/director Robert Rodriguez came from a huge family (ten children) because he really has an ear for how siblings talk to each other, and how children react to certain situations. All the performances in the film, especially that of the two children, are just fun to watch.
This film has a great message of family unity and standing up for yourself and believing that you are good enough... and it's a message that kids could really use.
After seeing this movie the audience will be divided into two groups: those who had a good time, and those who felt embarrassed that they had a good time so they'll use words like "cheesy" to describe it. Of course it's "cheesy," I would expect nothing less from a movie that is supposed to capture the minds and hearts of children. And since when is "cheesy" a bad thing? Doesn't it literally mean "innocent" and "child like?"
This film made me feel younger and vibrant. I absolutely loved it. I just wish I had children of my own take to it. Maybe I'll call up my sister and take my nephews to the theatre, just so I can have an excuse to see this again.
I think the greatest mystery is how this movie only cost $36 million to make... Incredible.
Almost Famous (2000)
Amazing Movie
This was definitely the best movie of the year, and how it was robbed of even a best picture nomination is beyond me.
It is just a joy from start to finish, and even my cynical father loved the heck out it.
And to the person who said the movie wasn't good because it wasn't "believable" that's a pretty stupid thing to say. First off, there's something called "suspension of disbelief" that you're supposed to have when you watch movies. Since when is everything supposed to be real? Secondly though, everything you found unbelievable really did happen, in real life, to Cameron Crowe, as this is about 75% true to what happened to him as a young journalist.