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Reviews
Toolbox Murders (2004)
What's in the toolbox?
I have to admit that Tobe Hooper's career has taken a nosedive. That said, his most recent effort, 2004's Toolbox Murders (not to be confused with the 1978 crap fest of the same name and similar plot) is much more than one would expect. Nell Barrows (the underrated Angela Bettis) and her husband Steven move into a historic Hollywood apartment building, full of old world charm (constant construction, odd symbols, hair and teeth hidden in the walls) and charismatic people (a hippie chick who sings late into the night, a teen who uses his computer skills to spy on women, a pathetic but suspicious handyman). Naturally, tenants begin to disappear without a trace, and Nell (already troubled by the recent death of her father) finds herself in your average "people are being murdered and no one believes me until they get killed" situation. When a trusted friend (Juliet Landau) goes missing, its up to Nell to try and save her.
The acting is top notch, and there are parts that actually made me jump, something few horror movies are able to accomplish anymore. The ending is a ripoff of another, more popular film (I wont say which), but overall, I'd give Toolbox Murders 7/10. USELESS FACTS: Look for Sheri Moon Zombie as Daisy Rain, the first victim; The writers of Toolbox Murders, Jace Anderson and Adam Gierash (who played handyman Ned), were later chosen by none other than Dario Argento to write the screenplay for the long-awaited third installment in the three Mothers trilogy, the recently announced Mater Lachrymarum.
Body Melt (1993)
What a world
The residents of a small housing development in Melbourne, Australia don't know it, but they are the guinea pigs in an experiment conducted by an evil drug company. The drug, Vitavule, causes its user to loose tons of weight...and eventually their lives as their bodies self destruct. One user brings home a battered woman who turns out to be a serial killer (and who may not exist at all). Another has what appears to be a miscarriage, giving birth to a placenta that seems to hold a grudge against the father. One eats food given out by the company and develops what can only be described as "a cold from hell". Oh, and lets not forget the mutant twins with a taste for kangaroo hormones and their proud ex scientist daddy who prefers to be called "Pud".
This is a strange movie. Not scary, unless copious amounts of fake gore makes your flesh crawl. Entertaining, with the main problem being the ending. The problem? There IS NO ENDING. The story just seems to stop, with no real resolution (not that the story really gives us much to resolve-irritating people die in horrible ways, that's it). Not much in the way of nudity, and the women weren't that hot, anyway. But for all its faults it does deliver in terms of getting the audience's attention, albeit in a stomach-churning way. C
Street Trash (1987)
Let's get trashed
Two runaways live in a junkyard, surviving on handouts from a woman who works in the yard's main building. They do what they can to try and survive and keep themselves amused along the way. One day, the local booze hawker puts out several bottles of tenefly viper, a very cheap alcohol that he found in the back of his shop. Apparently its gone bad, because anyone who drinks it melts into a multicolored puddle of slime. For a dollar a bottle, bums from all over flock to get a little taste of liquid death, with messy results.
There's a lot more going on here than it would appear, a lot of stories connected together by the viper. Its fairly well acted (at least, for a b-film), and the special effects are pretty good. But where the film really shines is the cinematography-done by a guy who later worked his way up to films like T2 and Titanic (yes, thats right). Lots of gore and ample amounts of nudity make Street Trash worth checking out. Final score: B+ FUN FACT: Bryan Singer, future director of X-men and Superman Returns, was fired and later re-hired as the production assistant on this film.
13th Child (2002)
Something awful this way comes...
After the unexpected success of the Blair Witch project, many young and aspiring (albeit untalented) directors grabbed their camcorders and began filming whatever they could, in order to capitalize on the country's newfound respect for amateur film. While most thankfully fizzled out, a few made it to the big screen. The 13th Child, based on the popular myth of the Jersey Devil, was going to be a major hit and launch it's creators into stardom...but it didn't. While I have the utmost respect for anyone who has the drive to make their visions a reality, this is an abomination.
First of all, while called "The 13th Child", it completely ignores the story of Mother Leeds and the mysterious visitor who may have fathered her unholy offspring; instead, the jersey devil is now an Indian who shape-shifted into the creature by accident. The main story, if I can remember correctly, involved an investigation into several mysterious deaths that led to a strange old coot living in the woods, who may hold some answers. I don't know that for certain, because my subconscious has tried to block most of it out. What I can recall is that the effects are terrible, the acting sucks, and there's no real story at all. The title, come to think of it, does work on one level-it must have cost thirteen bucks to make, with thirteen people, in thirteen days, and with thirteen pages of pointless script. I want my money back. This flick gets an F.