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Reviews
I'm Thinking of Ending Things (2020)
After 15 minutes...
...you'll start thinking ah, Jake is in a coma and everyone else is in his head. After 30 minutes you'll get up for a drink and seriously consider the possibility that Jake is a mad scientist who Frankensteined his parents, the dog and his girlfriend using spinach and bellybutton fuzz.
Oh wait, he's a schizophrenic janitor with a fetish for musicals.
And Yule cake.
Is it about the secret life of tiny shoe people?
No?
Damnit.
Have fun watching this pompous, pretentious drivel; but keep in mind that you could have been doing something productive instead, like knitting sweaters for the tiny shoe people.
Open Water 2: Adrift (2006)
Water water everywhere...
...and not a shark in sight.
Not one.
Nada.
Niks.
Boggerol.
You're welcome.
Apparition (2019)
Everytime this trainwreck gets a view...
...an innocent bunny will die. This is how bad this is. It's breakfast cereal with water bad. It's a snowstorm without shoes bad. It's Christmas at your drunk Aunt Hilda's bad.
Just don't and save a bunny.
Fat Chance (2016)
I kept waiting for Kirk Cameron to show up...
...peeling a banana to demonstrate how life works. Instead I got a lead character walking around with a stuffed pillow in her shirt ala Beyoncé to add some bulk and clumsiness. If you want to watch the Christian version of Mean Girls, this movie's for you. And if you like it and recommend it to life-forms other than photosynthesizing plants, we can't be friends.
The Mitchell Tapes (2010)
This movie was shot with a Nokia 3310...
...tied to a three-legged squirrel's back. Government agencies should use this footage to torture persons of interest suspected of high treason.
Dust Devil (1992)
A perfect movie if you have been Boxing Helena'd..
...sitting without arms and legs in a chair on top of a table with nowhere to go. But if Julian Sands isn't around and you are still a functioning member of society, be productive, do your laundry, feed a stray cat and don't watch this.
Anne (2018)
So very, very bad
If you have problems, your hamster died,, your uncle stole your bike and you want to see Robert de Niro in a wig and a dress, eating cereal and dancing with dolls, this movie's for you. Have fun
A Dark Song (2016)
Not a horror, but a creeper...
...which strangles you slowly with great visuals, boredom and ultimately kills you with confusion. Occultists sure have a lot of time on their hands.