(POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD!) God in Heaven, where does one begin? I became an APES freak around 1973 and collected the toys, memorabilia, and all. I even made a fan magazine on PLANET OF THE APES. This franchise was lost in the dust for a few decades and I prayed it would return one day. Well, it FINALLY has - and I'm not so sure it's for the better.
Yes, the kids will love this film, and yes, the toys and Ape Popularity will soar once again. But Lord, what an AWFUL motion picture - heartbreaking, really, after suuuccch a long wait. When I heard that Tim Burton and Rick Baker were involved I had some hopes. As I saw magazine articles, trailers, and makeup shots I said "yeah, this may actually work!" But then I saw the finished product...and my worst fears were confirmed, my few hopes were shot down, and once again I knew that there is no escaping the wrath of today's lousy movies.
As the last 25 years or so passed before my eyes during the movie, I got disgusted, angered, and bored. Now, it's too easy to charge me with being too biased toward the 1968 original; I fully accepted some changes. Too bad every one was for the WORST. Well, enough preliminary stuff; let's get on to the movie, shall we? ---
It's treated as a silly, dumb, stupid, lame joke. It's like watching Looney Tunes on acid or something. Tim Burton reportedly had much fun with this film, even laughing after yelling "Cut!" after each shot - and it shows. Burton has NO respect for this subject and thinks the APES are funny monkeys to be snickered at. And tossing in some lame variations of classic lines from the 1968 version only hinders, and seem forced. Though the unfunny and aching silliness is what peeves me the most, there's more:
Where's the script? What little story there is is full of convoluted and illogical situations. The so-called "story" merely zips in and out of perfunctory APES scenarios: A convenient hunt scene as soon as the astronaut lands, and an obligatory escape attempt, for example.
The characters are totally uninteresting. ALL of the humans, that's the first thing. Michael Clark Duncan looks good, but offers nothing. Marky Mark is by-the-numbers and not much of an actor. People are speaking highly of Helena Bonham Carter as the girl chimp, but her character just squeals a lot and is afraid of her own shadow. Her Animal Activist potential is hinted at but dropped quickly. When she falls for Marky, it's absurd. I mean, she loves animals but does she want to sleep with them?? When she kisses the astronaut at the end of the movie, who cares, it's another loan from the original, except that at least there had been more involvement and caring between Taylor and Zira. THEY seemed to spend weeks and weeks getting to know and understand each other; this time, Carter and Mark seem to have only been introduced an hour or two beforehand. And her makeup (as with the other females) is VERY POOR. John Chambers runs circles around Rick Baker there, with his original Zira makeup from the first version.
Yes, by the way, the other makeup is very good. Particularly Tim Roth's evil-looking Thade. Pity that Roth's idea of portraying a villain here though is to snarl, grunt, hiss, and swing around the room. I was looking forward to Roth's performance most of all, but he blew it.
I don't much care for the beastial savagery and more "primitive" apes of this new feature, either. To me, the Apes were more like spoiled Monkeys, and far too irrational and animalistic to run the planet. And how does this make them so superior to the humans, anyway? These talkative homo sapiens look capable enough to plan their own revolt.
The character of Limbo was an annoying and unfunny Jar Jar Binks-type, and we needed him out of there ASAP. What a stooge. Assasinate him, please.
Charlton Heston's cameo could have been decent, had it not been destroyed by his classic "Damn Them All To Hell!" line that came off as desperate and embarrassing. It could have worked in a skit from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, but in what should be an intense and intelligent sci-fi film.
And the ending? What can you say? It is closer to the book, but comes off as confusing in its execution. It looks Stupid, obligatory, and conveniently sets up for a (gulp) sequel. Man, what a dumb excuse for a movie!!!! Whether there ever was another version or not, this is one limp knee-slapper. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!
Damn You to Hell, Tim Burton!!
Yes, the kids will love this film, and yes, the toys and Ape Popularity will soar once again. But Lord, what an AWFUL motion picture - heartbreaking, really, after suuuccch a long wait. When I heard that Tim Burton and Rick Baker were involved I had some hopes. As I saw magazine articles, trailers, and makeup shots I said "yeah, this may actually work!" But then I saw the finished product...and my worst fears were confirmed, my few hopes were shot down, and once again I knew that there is no escaping the wrath of today's lousy movies.
As the last 25 years or so passed before my eyes during the movie, I got disgusted, angered, and bored. Now, it's too easy to charge me with being too biased toward the 1968 original; I fully accepted some changes. Too bad every one was for the WORST. Well, enough preliminary stuff; let's get on to the movie, shall we? ---
It's treated as a silly, dumb, stupid, lame joke. It's like watching Looney Tunes on acid or something. Tim Burton reportedly had much fun with this film, even laughing after yelling "Cut!" after each shot - and it shows. Burton has NO respect for this subject and thinks the APES are funny monkeys to be snickered at. And tossing in some lame variations of classic lines from the 1968 version only hinders, and seem forced. Though the unfunny and aching silliness is what peeves me the most, there's more:
Where's the script? What little story there is is full of convoluted and illogical situations. The so-called "story" merely zips in and out of perfunctory APES scenarios: A convenient hunt scene as soon as the astronaut lands, and an obligatory escape attempt, for example.
The characters are totally uninteresting. ALL of the humans, that's the first thing. Michael Clark Duncan looks good, but offers nothing. Marky Mark is by-the-numbers and not much of an actor. People are speaking highly of Helena Bonham Carter as the girl chimp, but her character just squeals a lot and is afraid of her own shadow. Her Animal Activist potential is hinted at but dropped quickly. When she falls for Marky, it's absurd. I mean, she loves animals but does she want to sleep with them?? When she kisses the astronaut at the end of the movie, who cares, it's another loan from the original, except that at least there had been more involvement and caring between Taylor and Zira. THEY seemed to spend weeks and weeks getting to know and understand each other; this time, Carter and Mark seem to have only been introduced an hour or two beforehand. And her makeup (as with the other females) is VERY POOR. John Chambers runs circles around Rick Baker there, with his original Zira makeup from the first version.
Yes, by the way, the other makeup is very good. Particularly Tim Roth's evil-looking Thade. Pity that Roth's idea of portraying a villain here though is to snarl, grunt, hiss, and swing around the room. I was looking forward to Roth's performance most of all, but he blew it.
I don't much care for the beastial savagery and more "primitive" apes of this new feature, either. To me, the Apes were more like spoiled Monkeys, and far too irrational and animalistic to run the planet. And how does this make them so superior to the humans, anyway? These talkative homo sapiens look capable enough to plan their own revolt.
The character of Limbo was an annoying and unfunny Jar Jar Binks-type, and we needed him out of there ASAP. What a stooge. Assasinate him, please.
Charlton Heston's cameo could have been decent, had it not been destroyed by his classic "Damn Them All To Hell!" line that came off as desperate and embarrassing. It could have worked in a skit from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, but in what should be an intense and intelligent sci-fi film.
And the ending? What can you say? It is closer to the book, but comes off as confusing in its execution. It looks Stupid, obligatory, and conveniently sets up for a (gulp) sequel. Man, what a dumb excuse for a movie!!!! Whether there ever was another version or not, this is one limp knee-slapper. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!
Damn You to Hell, Tim Burton!!
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